my heart...on my sleeve...

At Celebrate Recovery last week, we watched an amazing testimony. This young mom, who is now married and home schools her 3 children, was a child growing up in the foster care system after being taken away from her mom at the age of 6. At the age of 14, her mom's addiction had gotten so out of control that she moved in with her boyfriend. At the age of 17, she found out that her mom had been murdered by a user-friend and that her boyfriend had been cheating on her with her best friend. She felt like there was a God, but that she didn't feel that God knew there was a her. She decided that she had had enough and moved out. With no where to go, she went to the streets. Could you imagine? I have never been in a situation where the better option would be to live on the streets. No matter how hurt, how disappointed, have I ever felt so alone, so isolated, so unloved, that I thought my life would be better on the streets with no food, no home, no family, no security. Of course she endured all sorts of horrifying things on the streets and ended up an addict herself. However, after coming out of jail with a newborn, she had the opportunity to turn her life around. She went into a home that helped women like herself, got into recovery and started going to church. After several steps forward and a few steps backwards, she is now married, a mother, forgiven, redeemed and saved. She has beauty for ashes. And she shared her story, not only with her Celebrate Recovery Group, but on video for all to see. What is she doing for God's Kingdom? She is raising up a next generation of believers. She is sharing her heart, her pain, her victory, what God has done in her life with others. She is giving hope to so many without. She is giving glory to the only Father who will never let her down.

If I had a story like hers and God turned my life around, would I be willing to share it? The good, the bad, the ugly? I would hope so. My story is not hers. All of our stories are different and unique, but if God has done something fabulous in our lives...we should share it. I know God has called me to share my story. Not just in Celebrate Recovery, but to anyone who has struggled with feeling unworthy and insecure. With any wife who is living with an alcoholic or addict. With any mom that feels that she isn't good enough. With any woman who isn't perfect. Because that's O.K. We're not meant to be perfect in this lifetime and if we, as women, could all be a little more vulnerable...a little more authentic...a little more willing to show our weaknesses...we could learn to encourage each other and edify the Body of Christ...together.

I had the pleasure of folding laundry for an hour by myself yesterday while Becca was napping and Nicky was having some quiet time. I was watching Martian Child on HBO. I didn't get to finish it, but it was a quirky and heartwarming movie. It had John Cusack (ahhh...Say Anything is when our movie relationship began) as an adoptive father of a young boy who thinks he is from Mars. At one point the little boy takes pictures of John while he is sleeping. John asks him why he is doing that. The little boy tells him that he learning to be part of a family and to be human. John replies, aren't we all doing that or something to the affect. And isn't it true? Aren't we all just learning, growing, practicing, trying to figure it out?

It breaks my heart when women come to Celebrate Recovery and say that it is the only place they feel safe and free of judgement of their sins and struggles...their hurts, hang-ups and habits. These are Christian women. Shouldn't we feel safe and free of judgement in the church? With other women? Especially Christian women? There is no condemnation in Christ. So why do we, do I, feel that way so much of the time? I know that there is an enemy at work. And I also know that no one can make me feel a certain way. I guess what I am saying is, it is so much work on my part to overcome how I feel around a lot of women, that wouldn't it just be lovely if we could all just be nice, kind, loving and for pete's sake...all get along? Unified in the Body of Christ. And the saddest thing is that most women, most people for that matter, get it. It's the 5% that don't that make it so much work.

And I am working. I am working on myself. On caring less about what people think and caring more about what God thinks. About having confidence, because my confidence in Christ. But, I will be honest. That is work for me. And where I am right now is struggling with boundaries. How do I continue to share my heart and be vulnerable, as I know God has called me to be, but not get hurt? I always thought it was a good thing that no matter how many times I got hurt in the past, it didn't harden my heart or stop me from being vulnerable and wearing my heart on my sleeve. Now, however, I feel this need to be more guarded with most people. And this does not come natural to me. How do I remain vulnerable with boundaries? Open, but guarded? And is this O.K? I mean, the bible does say to guard our hearts for it is the well spring of life. Does this mean that we need to also guard our hearts from people?

I guess I am full of questions today...as I was walking home from walking Izzy to school this morning, I spent some time talking with God. I found myself asking Him for strength...to do everything in His strength, not my own. Asking Him to help me love like Him. To love my children and my husband like He does and for them to know it and feel it. To feel humbled and honored to serve them and to especially show my husband how much I appreciate him. When every day is the same, sometimes I tend to get into a rut. And they deserve more than a rut. To love others like Him...even the ones...especially the ones I feel the need to be guarded with. To lay His path before me, because I will follow Him. But, then I thought I am asking Him for so much. I shouldn't just ask, should I? So, I asked Him that. And I heard Him gently remind me that confusion does not come from Him. I guess He could sense that I have been struggling and feeling a bit confused lately (He's pretty amazing, isn't he?). I heard Him suggest that I needed to go back to what I know of Him to be true. That He is faithful, that He is good. That He is truth. And that He wants to fulfill me. He wants me to look to Him for fulfillment; not others, not my husband, my children or my friends. Just Him. When I worry about my children, I hear Him say, "They are mine. Give them to me and I will take care of them." Stop worrying, Jen. Just stop it!

I know our prayers with God should be just that...with God, not to Him. That it should be a conversation and a relationship, not just a wish list of things we want from Him. But, we should also ask to receive. And look to Him for complete fulfillment. Look to Him for our strength. This morning, I was struggling with if I am asking Him for things that will equip me to do His calling for my life, is that O.K? If I am asking for strength...for help...to know Him better...am I just being selfish? I think this is another example of the paradoxes of life. Finding the balance.

Balance. Boundaries. Worry. Confidence. All things that I am not that great at. But, I am trying to not to beat myself up. I am a work in progress. An imperfect human loved by a perfect God. At least my eyes are open. I am not walking around in denial thinking everyone else is the problem. I am working on the only part that I can...mine.