love actually...

"Love is not a feeling, Mr. Burns. It's an ability." Dan in Real Life.

FIREPROOF -- The Movie Preview


I have seen these previews on T.V. and I have been so impressed that networks would run commercials for a movie like this. Not only does it have Kirk Cameron (I so had the poster of him with the blue shirt and white jacket with his hand in the pocket on my wall in junior high!), but it is about something that our culture doesn't always get behind...fighting for your marriage. This movie is playing in select theaters and will only last as long as word of mouth will take it. My friend's sister saw it with her husband and they both said they wished they could call everyone they know to go see it. I hope Jonathan and I get the chance to see this and support something so beautiful... a marriage saved by God's grace.

Oprah had a show last week about why men cheat. She had a doctor that specializes in divorce on her show. He said that the main reason that men cheat is not sex or attraction -- it is appreciation. That another women makes them feel appreciated when they don't feel that way at home. And, couldn't that argument be made for women as well? It's heartbreaking. We all need appreciation...it's a basic human need to feel loved and appreciated. But, what's the balance between selfishness and a basic need? And how often do we take our spouse for granted? I know I do. My husband is a hard worker and a wonderful provider. He is the most intelligent, loyal and honest person I know. That's why I married him. But, how often do I tell him that? How often do I thank him? Sometimes we get so busy with life that we forget why we are here to live. And on those days that I don't do such a great job of letting him know; that does not give him the right or the freedom to seek it else where. Frankly, God tells us that our spouse, our children, our parents...no one can completely fulfill our every need. That is why we need Him. WE NEED HIM. I know several women who have fought for their marriages. Whether it be addiction or adultery, they have stayed and they have fought. Some people sit in judgement and think, "I would never put up with that." But, staying and fighting makes you courageous, not a coward. It would be easier to walk away than stay and work through it. I wish our society gave more credit where credit is due.

Oprah had a show yesterday about the drug epidemic in our nation. Whole families addicted to heroin. Their addiction started with prescription medication...the dirty little secret our nation is carrying around. These addicts are generally predisposed to addiction and don't know that when they start these pills, they are starting a journey that no one can end on their own. In this show, they said that the prescription pills had gotten so expensive on the street, that many people turned to heroin because it was cheaper and easier to come by. They are basically now using just to get by...to function. They are so mentally and physically addicted that they have to use every few hours or they start to go into detox. Detox without proper care could be lethal. It broke my heart to hear these people's stories of struggle. A journey from a nice home and job to stealing and living on the streets. And how desperately they are crying out for help. And how desperately they want everyone to know that they are not bad people...they did not want this or see this for themselves. What if our society saw with love and not with judgement? What if the stereotype for addicts changed? It's not just the homeless person asking for money on the corner anymore. It's educated people. It's your neighbor. It's the mom that comes to your playgroup. It's the dad that coaches little league. What if church became a place where alcoholics, addicts and adulators could come and be honest and not feel judged? Because they are coming for the same reason we all are...to receive the grace we don't deserve and to worship the One who gave it.

And what's so different from those addictions to the problems we all have? Pride, Control, Gossip, Lying, Drinking, Food, Porn, Sex, Perfection...They appear smaller and are easier to justify and hide...but, over time they are just as devastating. They eventually crumble under the strain of denial and hurt not just ourselves, but our children, our families, our communities and the body of Christ. I see people every day and I think, "They so need to come to Celebrate Recovery." Christ offers us the gift of freedom...it is for freedom that He set us free. But, we are walking around anchored to chains. God is not done with me yet...we are working on the freedom together.

I am doing this bible study about sex and purity. I realize our society is extremely tolerant. But, can it be blamed for all of our morality problems? We are people with our own minds...we can't always blame our choices on our culture. Does it make it harder? Yes. But, we were never called to an easy life. And just look, networks are promoting a Christian film. Facing the Giants was a huge success. Chronicles of Narnia couldn't have been any more fantastic. You would think that being in Celebrate Recovery that I would be so negative and hopeless for our nation. But, I get to see and hear success stories every week. I get the opportunity to see lives changed by God's power and grace. We can change things...person by person...little by little.I get to be included in God's work. He has given me so much hope...because through Him anything is possible. We just have to be willing to let Him work. We have to be willing to love. Not love just when it's easy. But, love when it's hard. Love the unlovable. I know He is challenging me in this area. I can't love this way on my own...but, I can when I look through His eyes.

Two verses are really speaking to me this week:

"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I pray that my heart will desire and take pleasure in the things that the Lord's does. Not for blessing, but to honor Him. For it to become my heart's first and natural desire.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

I should love better and I can with the power of Christ. I have realized that I live in some type of fear all of time. What is worry if not fear? What is insecurity if not fear? God is calling me to change and out of my comfort zone...I need to let go of fear and live in love and power of Christ.

There is a youtube video that I so wish I could find and post on here. It's about a guy who is going through his day and he is getting so frustrated with the woman who cut him off on the road, the guy who is taking forever to order his coffee and is holding up the line, the other guy who he thought was rude. Then someone gives him these glasses. He put them on and suddenly he can see a subtitle under everyone..."just got divorced," "struggling with alcohol," "just lost his job." It poses the question of "What would we see if we saw through God's eyes?"

from tattoos to salvation...from fear to change....

So, once again Izzy and I were walking to school this morning and found ourselves in a very profound conversation about faith, sin, salvation and honoring God. I tell you, I had no idea that these 15 minute walks in the morning would yield to such insight and sharing. What a blessing to have with my first born and sensitive sweet girl. It all started because of a tattoo. Yes, a tattoo. How often does a tattoo lead to discussion of faith and salvation? You just never know when God will give you the opportunity to share...if we just listen.

Well, Jonathan and I celebrate our 8 year anniversary today. 8 years. Who would have known when we moved here 3 years ago that our marriage would be where it is today? 3 years ago, our marriage was in a very fragile and delicate state. I knew that moving would present the opportunity to have hope for change. I didn't know that the future held for us. I could only put my trust, hope and faith in the Lord. I could only give him my heart, my husband and my marriage to work on. He provided a miracle. He provided complete healing, forgiveness and restoration to our marriage. I wouldn't change a thing. It was only through our challenges and struggles that He could bring us to where we are today. And He has not given up on us...He continues to work on us both individually and together as a family. We have come so far in these 3 years...by God's Grace. And to celebrate, we went out to a movie...and to get tattoos on Saturday. He got Rebecca's initial added to the rest of our family's initials and a cross above our family on his back. I got two wedding bands intertwined and three small hearts around it on my left wrist.

This morning, Isabelle asked me again what my tattoo meant. I was able to share with her what God did for our marriage and for our family. And now, ever time I look down, I am reminded of that. This led to our beautiful conversation about walking by faith, not by sight...to our amazing gift of salvation from our Savior. All I know is that her 5-almost-6-year-old's heart loves and knows Jesus. She understands that sins are the bad things we do and that Jesus died for those because of His love for us. She sees Him in the rainbows, flowers and butterflies He sends to us and knows that He lives in our Heart.

Nicholas also understands that God and Jesus are in His heart, but wonders how they can fit in there and why can't he see them? My sweet and curious little monkey. He so takes after Jonathan. Questions and more questions. Izzy is like a mini-me and Nicky is like a mini-Jonathan. At least Jonathan can relate to him and explain things to him in his analytical way. He is doing much better with school...he is having so much fun on Tues. and Thurs. that not only is he not crying, but he barely even says good-bye to me!

Becca is officially walking (and falling down) everywhere. She is also answering questions by nodding yes or no (with her whole body). It is so darn cute that I ask her questions all day long just to see her nod! She is definitely my wild child...easy-going, but with a mind and a spirit all her own. I just pray that God will make His presence known to each of them and that they will know Him, love Him and follow Him all the days of their lives....wherever He takes them. How exciting to think of who they will become!

God is just speaking and working in me lately. I am doing a Kay Arthur study called Return to the Garden. It's about s-e-x (yes, I am whispering that in my head). But, it's about so much more than that to me. This study has taken me in such a different direction than I had expected. It really has spoken to me about how much God loves us. About His covenant with us. With me. I have always had a hard time wrapping my head around being the Bride of Christ, but this study has really taken me to a place where it's coming together.

At Celebrate Recovery a while ago, Jonathan taught that often times the space between recognition for the need for change and the willingness to allow it to occur is often filled with fear. It resonated so much with me that I wrote it down in my journal. What's funny is that I read it just the other day and it just clicked. I never thought I was fearful...but, then I thought about how I worry so much. What is worry, but the fear of "what if"? What is worry, but thinking of the past or the future and ignoring the gift of the present? I so need to stand in the present and live in the moment. God has been working so hard with me, especially this past year. There have been times that I am frustrated for not being further along. That I am still stuck in worry...in insecurity. But, then I realized that maybe the barrier is...me. Perhaps what I am fearful of is the very thing of which I desire. To change. Because, even though I recognize the need and desire to change...change is scary...even for the better, it's different. What would I be like...who would I be...different? I know I need to take the big leap...but, I am not sure how. And what is change? Is it complete change and freedom from the things with which I struggle? Or is it baby steps and growth, recognition and progress, but never complete freedom? Something that God and I will always work on?

And I have another question...God's greatest desire and purpose for creating us was for relationship...relationship with Him and with others. So, please tell me, why are relationships so complicated? And sometimes, temporary? I have learned something from every relationship, but sometimes the lessons have been painful. And it seems it doesn't matter what stage of life you are in...high school, 20's, 30's, 40's...(sometimes it even seems like high school in your 20's, 30's and 40's!)...relationships are complicated. Is it because God is the only everlasting and never changing constant in our lives? That we are supposed to keep our eyes on the things above...of the things not seen and not on the world...on the temporary? And if so, why are human relationships so important to Him? I feel like He is telling me that they are important, but they shouldn't replace Him. I should not look to relationships here on earth to fulfill or meet needs of mine nor can I be that for someone else. But, then what exactly are they for? Hmm...

I will press on...secure in the knowledge that the work He is working in me is not complete yet.

my heart...on my sleeve...

At Celebrate Recovery last week, we watched an amazing testimony. This young mom, who is now married and home schools her 3 children, was a child growing up in the foster care system after being taken away from her mom at the age of 6. At the age of 14, her mom's addiction had gotten so out of control that she moved in with her boyfriend. At the age of 17, she found out that her mom had been murdered by a user-friend and that her boyfriend had been cheating on her with her best friend. She felt like there was a God, but that she didn't feel that God knew there was a her. She decided that she had had enough and moved out. With no where to go, she went to the streets. Could you imagine? I have never been in a situation where the better option would be to live on the streets. No matter how hurt, how disappointed, have I ever felt so alone, so isolated, so unloved, that I thought my life would be better on the streets with no food, no home, no family, no security. Of course she endured all sorts of horrifying things on the streets and ended up an addict herself. However, after coming out of jail with a newborn, she had the opportunity to turn her life around. She went into a home that helped women like herself, got into recovery and started going to church. After several steps forward and a few steps backwards, she is now married, a mother, forgiven, redeemed and saved. She has beauty for ashes. And she shared her story, not only with her Celebrate Recovery Group, but on video for all to see. What is she doing for God's Kingdom? She is raising up a next generation of believers. She is sharing her heart, her pain, her victory, what God has done in her life with others. She is giving hope to so many without. She is giving glory to the only Father who will never let her down.

If I had a story like hers and God turned my life around, would I be willing to share it? The good, the bad, the ugly? I would hope so. My story is not hers. All of our stories are different and unique, but if God has done something fabulous in our lives...we should share it. I know God has called me to share my story. Not just in Celebrate Recovery, but to anyone who has struggled with feeling unworthy and insecure. With any wife who is living with an alcoholic or addict. With any mom that feels that she isn't good enough. With any woman who isn't perfect. Because that's O.K. We're not meant to be perfect in this lifetime and if we, as women, could all be a little more vulnerable...a little more authentic...a little more willing to show our weaknesses...we could learn to encourage each other and edify the Body of Christ...together.

I had the pleasure of folding laundry for an hour by myself yesterday while Becca was napping and Nicky was having some quiet time. I was watching Martian Child on HBO. I didn't get to finish it, but it was a quirky and heartwarming movie. It had John Cusack (ahhh...Say Anything is when our movie relationship began) as an adoptive father of a young boy who thinks he is from Mars. At one point the little boy takes pictures of John while he is sleeping. John asks him why he is doing that. The little boy tells him that he learning to be part of a family and to be human. John replies, aren't we all doing that or something to the affect. And isn't it true? Aren't we all just learning, growing, practicing, trying to figure it out?

It breaks my heart when women come to Celebrate Recovery and say that it is the only place they feel safe and free of judgement of their sins and struggles...their hurts, hang-ups and habits. These are Christian women. Shouldn't we feel safe and free of judgement in the church? With other women? Especially Christian women? There is no condemnation in Christ. So why do we, do I, feel that way so much of the time? I know that there is an enemy at work. And I also know that no one can make me feel a certain way. I guess what I am saying is, it is so much work on my part to overcome how I feel around a lot of women, that wouldn't it just be lovely if we could all just be nice, kind, loving and for pete's sake...all get along? Unified in the Body of Christ. And the saddest thing is that most women, most people for that matter, get it. It's the 5% that don't that make it so much work.

And I am working. I am working on myself. On caring less about what people think and caring more about what God thinks. About having confidence, because my confidence in Christ. But, I will be honest. That is work for me. And where I am right now is struggling with boundaries. How do I continue to share my heart and be vulnerable, as I know God has called me to be, but not get hurt? I always thought it was a good thing that no matter how many times I got hurt in the past, it didn't harden my heart or stop me from being vulnerable and wearing my heart on my sleeve. Now, however, I feel this need to be more guarded with most people. And this does not come natural to me. How do I remain vulnerable with boundaries? Open, but guarded? And is this O.K? I mean, the bible does say to guard our hearts for it is the well spring of life. Does this mean that we need to also guard our hearts from people?

I guess I am full of questions today...as I was walking home from walking Izzy to school this morning, I spent some time talking with God. I found myself asking Him for strength...to do everything in His strength, not my own. Asking Him to help me love like Him. To love my children and my husband like He does and for them to know it and feel it. To feel humbled and honored to serve them and to especially show my husband how much I appreciate him. When every day is the same, sometimes I tend to get into a rut. And they deserve more than a rut. To love others like Him...even the ones...especially the ones I feel the need to be guarded with. To lay His path before me, because I will follow Him. But, then I thought I am asking Him for so much. I shouldn't just ask, should I? So, I asked Him that. And I heard Him gently remind me that confusion does not come from Him. I guess He could sense that I have been struggling and feeling a bit confused lately (He's pretty amazing, isn't he?). I heard Him suggest that I needed to go back to what I know of Him to be true. That He is faithful, that He is good. That He is truth. And that He wants to fulfill me. He wants me to look to Him for fulfillment; not others, not my husband, my children or my friends. Just Him. When I worry about my children, I hear Him say, "They are mine. Give them to me and I will take care of them." Stop worrying, Jen. Just stop it!

I know our prayers with God should be just that...with God, not to Him. That it should be a conversation and a relationship, not just a wish list of things we want from Him. But, we should also ask to receive. And look to Him for complete fulfillment. Look to Him for our strength. This morning, I was struggling with if I am asking Him for things that will equip me to do His calling for my life, is that O.K? If I am asking for strength...for help...to know Him better...am I just being selfish? I think this is another example of the paradoxes of life. Finding the balance.

Balance. Boundaries. Worry. Confidence. All things that I am not that great at. But, I am trying to not to beat myself up. I am a work in progress. An imperfect human loved by a perfect God. At least my eyes are open. I am not walking around in denial thinking everyone else is the problem. I am working on the only part that I can...mine.

getting stuck...part 1...

We had a wonderful Shiloh last night...a blessing of a women's community ministry that was birthed by the vision of one of our pastor's wives and friend, Stephanie. It is also taught by my dear friend, Angela, who has been given the wonderful gift of teaching. She is like our own personal Beth Moore, but better because I can call her my friend...and it's true! The music is led by my other dear friends, Janet and Marla (you will hear about Marla one day, probably touring with The David Crowder Band, if I had my say so...she sounds like a cross between Bethany Dillon, Lisa Loeb and Jewel). In the candlelight, the women look like precious jewels and sound like angels. And why shouldn't they? For we are, in God's eyes. There is so much that was shared that spoke directly to my heart. I have been meditating and reflecting on it ever since. I have such a desire to share the message with others and search deeper for what it means for me. I have a renewed thirst for the Lord. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good...and I have been reminded of it yet again. I will probably not relay the message as eloquently or do it justice, but I will try...
Angela continued and elaborated on Beth Moore's teaching at her Living Proof Live Event in San Antonio last month. She spoke on Complete Victory in Christ. "The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." (Psalm 16:5-6). God gave the promise to His chosen children, the Israelites, of the Promised Land after he faithfully delivered them from Egypt. Even after all of His miracles, faithfulness and promises, they still doubted and disobeyed. They were told to destroy their enemies in order to take possession of the land that was promised to them. If they obeyed, He would hand it over to them. But, they didn't do what He said. They inhabited the land and attempted to leave peaceably with their enemy that appeared to be so kind. They started worshiping idols when they felt God wasn't enough to help them. Why do we do this? Why do I do this? Over and over again, God shows up. He promises and He delivers. And yet, I find myself stuck...stuck in worry...stuck in the past...stuck in the future...just stuck. Hasn't He proved Himself to me time and again? So, why do I spend unnecessary time and energy worrying? Hasn't He brought me this far? I tend to worry a lot. I worry about my kids, my husband, our finances, my past, our future, what other people think. Angela said a few Shiloh's back that fearing God is caring more about what God thinks than what others think. Beth Moore said, "Quit trying to be someone else...God wants to show what the Holy Spirit looks like on the uniqueness of you." Wow. I am the only one with my exact, unique story. I might be the only one to share a unique message from God through my past, life experience, faith , gifting and relationship with Him. Because no one else's past, like experience, faith, gifting and relationship with Him is the same. And we are all needed in the Kingdom of God to share Him...to reflect Him...in the only unique way that we can.
We can have our Promised Land, but we have to go in and take it. It requires work on our part. We have to obey. Failure to obey gives the enemy a foothold. We have to give up our excuses and oftentimes our comfort zones. And that's why it's work. Christ called us to a simple life, but He never said it would be an easy life. Angela asked the question, "Why do we settle for less than what God has for us?" He has promised and desires for us our promised land. Yet, we let our enemy squat on it. We let him squat on our areas of past, life experience, faith, gifts and/or intimacy with God. And when we let him squat and have possession in those areas, we are not letting ourselves have Complete Victory in Christ. When we do not have Complete Victory, we are oppressed in some area; in some way. We are not fully experiencing the promises of God. If ordinary people are to become mighty warriors for God, we need to lay it all at the altar. Ordinary People. Mighty Warriors. Complete Victory. Doesn't that sound sweet?

getting victory...part 2...

Not only do I think these pictures of Becca are adorable, but after Shiloh last night, I started to see them as a story. How often do I get stuck in something I got myself into (like, how in the world did she get herself into a little basket and a small shelf??) Sometimes I am frustrated and see immediately that I need to repent, give it to God and allow Him to work in me, change me and use it for His Kingdom and Glory. Other times (like Becca in the cabinet), I am just happy and oblivious that I am in a mess. A cycle of messes and struggle. This past year has been work for me. Work of getting out of a cycle of messes. Unhealthy relationships with others. Unhealthy relationship with myself. Worry. Hurt. Unforgiveness. Cycles that I have repeated and the past the I carried with me and allowed to define me. I was letting the enemy squat on all of my areas...my boundary lines..of past, life experience, gifts, faith and intimacy with God.
Angela described the cycle that so many of us find ourselves in (whether we realize it, acknowledge it or not). Through our bad choices, sin (no matter how big or how small), or rebellion we experience a loss of blessing. We then repent (where we will weep, but not change) and then we get to experience the deliverance that only God can bring. But, we will continue in this cycle until when we repent, we are truly broken...truly humbled and get out of the way and let God work in us to change us...transform us. What's in the gap in this cycle is obedience, walking in faith and a willing and humble heart. Brokenness. This is when we are the most beautiful to God, our Father. When He can trade our Ashes in for Beauty. When He can do it for the Glory of it All. Not by might, nor by power, but by His Spirit.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come." (2 Corinthians 5:17). We can be a new person. We don't have to let our past define us. We don't have to be stuck in a cycle. We can changed. Transformed. Victorious. And we should be. We have the Spirit of Christ IN US. The same Holy Spirit that God poured out on Moses, on Gideon, on David, is the same one He has put in us. In me. That just blows my mind. And only God can use our cycles, our past, our life experience, our faith and our relationship with God for good and for His glory. If we take the risk to be real...to be vulnerable. To share our story...the good, the bad and the ugly...with others. We overcome the enemy by the Blood of the Lamb and through the Word of our Testimony. "But, we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord." (2 Corinthians 3:18). To take off our masks of perfection and share our hearts; reflecting the love and image of Christ, but in the way only we can do it...imperfectly. We will not attain this perfect image of Christ in this lifetime. But, we can grow in it each and every day. We are a work in progress...pressing on...with Him.
I came home last night and Jonathan wanted me to watch a couple of Celebrate Recovery testimonies that he found on line. One of them was a man that was a recovering addict, 3 years sober. He talked about how the church sometimes focuses on that we are sinners...we are all sinners. And we are. None better, none worse. We are all sinners. But, he said that he couldn't just define himself by his past and his sin anymore. Yes, he was a sinner. But, he wasn't just a sinner. He was a new creation in Christ. He also talked about how in the middle of his addiction, he thought he was just hurting himself and why couldn't people just leave him alone. As he worked his recovery, he started looking at all the people that were touched, affected and hurt by his addiction. He said it looked like a giant pyramid. But, the further away he grew from his addiction and the closer he grew to Christ, he saw that pyramid differently. It was a pyramid of hope and potential. Not just a pyramid of people hurt by his addiction, but people he could help with his recovery. By the word of our testimony...transformation...obedience. Complete Victory. God is Good. The conclusion of Shiloh was with Gideon and how He was commissioned by God Himself to take back the land. The battle was fought and he was victorious with weapons of light, clay jars, and trumpets because God is always victorious. She said, "Jesus is the Light, We are the Clay Jars, Our Testimonies are our Trumpets." We are also the light of the world, because Christ is in us. We are the fragile vessels in which His light can shine and reflect. We are fragile and we have cracks. Our cracks are from our past, our hurts and our struggles. But they are needed and necessary. How else would the light shine through?

just different...tidbits...

So we have made it through the second week of school! Isabelle is still loving it. I see so much of myself in her. She may look like the spitting image of Jonathan, but she is a reflection of my heart. Needless to say, I pray for her tender and sensitive spirit every day. I loved school. I loved everything about it. And it is so exciting to see her excitement when she retells stories of her day..."Mommy, I did not have to move my apple!"...."Mommy, the chicken nuggets are so good!"..."Mommy, we chased the gingerbread man all over school!". To see her learning to read and her growing love for it. While she loves school, she gets nervous with change and is tired by this last day of the week. She has been in bed by 7:00 every night. And I hear her bound out of bed every morning to turn off her alarm at 6:30 and start getting ready...barely able to contain her excitement and energy. I am constantly asking her to whisper so she doesn't wake up her siblings.

As we walked to school this morning, she said, "Mommy, I miss you too much during the day. Can you home school me?" Thus began a very detailed discussion about homeschooling. I never knew that our walks to school in the mornings would produce such in depth and insightful conversations. It is fascinating. I explained to her how there is no right or wrong answer... just different ways of doing things. How each family needs to pray and make the best decision between them and God on how to educate their children. I told her that I knew that no one could love her as well as I could, but I did believe that there are others who are called and gifted to be excellent, nurturing and loving teachers. And, oh, how grateful I am for them! While it is my job to teach her everything she needs to know, I may not be the best one to teach her....well, let's say, algebra...for those of you that know me! I told her that she will learn the most important thing of all in school...how to make good and right decisions when she is not with her mom and dad. When it is just her and God...faced with a choice. I cannot be with her every minute as she grows...I think it's important to teach and equip our children to make the right choices when no one is around. It's like that quote...that breaks my heart every time I think of it, "A good parent raises their children to not need them when they grow up." How heartbreaking and humbling, but how true. She gets the opportunity to show Christ by her words and her actions every day to children, to teachers, to custodians...who may not know Him. What a privilege. I have the most important job in the world...I am raising Saints and Warriors for the Kingdom of God. I am raising them to follow God's will and path for their lives...not mine. I am privileged to be called to love and serve my children and family...so they can grow to love and serve in the future, in what ever calling they may have. Right now, Isabelle feels her calling is to be a "Artist, Teacher, Dance Teacher, Mommy." She will have three baby girls...no boys. Nicholas is fascinated with Police Officers. Becca, my wild child, will probably end up in a traveling circus somewhere.

Nicholas and Becca are going to our wonderful 2 day a week Mother's Day out where I do my Women's Bible Study. I am so blessed by Ms. Becky and Ms. Mitzi and their wonderful teachers that sacrifice and dedicate their lives to love and care for our children...to teach them their letters...and teach them about God. Nicholas is finally old enough to go to Chapel...he is so excited. He cannot wait to be Prayer Leader. However, my shy little guy is still a wreck when I drop him off in the morning. I never knew my cuddlebug clown at home would be such a shy, introverted child everywhere else. I am so glad that we have had the opportunity to see this side of him and know that he struggles with change and new people before he goes off to school.

Becca is officially walking. Everywhere. With her pacifier and blankie. All the time. We have got to buy her a second blankie. We have almost lost her blankie twice...and that's not a good situation. She has so much personality in such a little body. I am amazed by each of my children and so excited to see what God has in store for them.

I had a few amazing talks with my counselor (working on stress reduction), girlfriends and my amazing Celebrate Recovery Group. Did you know that there is no such thing as necessary worry? Concern for others is a form of compassion, but worry produces nothing productive. Worry is a thought process that leads to anxiety. We worry when we have no control to do anything. I have realized that I spend a lot of time and energy worrying...and I want to stop. I want to breathe and slow down. I want to simplify and be in the present. I want to walk and talk with God every moment of the day and see Him wherever I look...and whoever I look at. God has never set eyes on someone He doesn't love. We are all imperfect people loved by a perfect God. If it wasn't for His grace, forgiveness and Christ on the Cross, Heaven would be empty. None of us are good enough on our own. And none of us have all the answers, have it all together, or have it all figured out. I look at my mistakes or my hurts and I wouldn't change a thing. We can't go back to "normal" or to the way things were...but, we wouldn't want to. If we knew the outcome and what only God can do...work ALL things for good for those called according to His purpose...we would choose God's Will every time. It's a Perfect Will. When we forgive ourselves, we don't change our past, but we allow God to change our future. We are all in this together...yet, I rarely feel like we are One in the Body of Christ. We are all separated...usually by small hurtful things. Too separated to have healing. Forgiveness is all about letting go. It's like Tug of War. As long as both sides are pulling, it's a war. Once you let go, the war is over...even if the other side continues to pull. I can't...We can't...But...God Can.