Tuesday, April 29, 2008

all of this...and more

Isabelle tried our for the Pre-Team Dance Team for 5-7 year olds this past Saturday and she made it! Well, I should say, they all automatically make it for this age group, but still...she is very excited! We went with our friends, The Rices, whose eldest daughter is Izzy's "long lost sister" (in fact, Isabelle informs me at least once a month that she is going to go live with Emma and Mrs. Marla!) to Culver's to celebrate with ice cream.

We moved on from there to our LIFE Group picnic at one of the local parks. We grilled hot dogs, watched the kids run around and play until dusk and even saw a couple of really big lizards. Isabelle and Emma were invited to a sleep over that night with 2 other girls that made the team. The both lasted the whole night -- no 12 am call asking to come pick her up. In fact, they were the last 2 to fall asleep! Mrs. Brandee let them make their own mini pizzas, make a "party" hat and flower pot craft, play the Wii and watch High School Musical. Mrs. Brandee is like so many other of my women friends who are so creative and talented...putting the rest of us slacker moms to shame!

Needless to say we suffered melt down after meltdown on Sunday after church due to lack of sleep, exhaustion and impatience...and the kids were pretty whiny too! :)

Our new washer and dryer come tomorrow! While I am excited to catch up on laundry once again (have I mentioned that I abhor laundry?), I will no longer have an excuse to not do it! My mom is flying in on Saturday to spend a week. My parents just returned from a 3 week Greek cruise (the nice life of retired living, eh?). Isabelle and Nicholas have a Family Fun Night for school Monday night and Isabelle has her dance recital Mother's Day weekend. Not only will we get some quality mom-daughter, Nana-kiddos time, but my Ma also seems to know just what to say and just what to do to help me out. Whether it's a pep talk or a hug or watching the kids or folding clothes (again, I abhor laundry), Ma always knows best. I hope and pray that I can be that and more for my kids when they grow up.

We are doing the Financial Peace University through our church. I would recommend it to everyone and anyone -- no matter where you are with your finances. Very practical and realistic advice on how to manage your money. I have to brag about my husband here for a second. I always want to call that out when I do it, because I probably don't give him the props that he deserves often enough. Organization, scheduling, order, managing money (putting up clothes or lifting the toilet seat...by why go on and on?) are not on the top of his priority list. He usually defers to me on those things. But, he is really trying. He knows that while he is content to be a free spirit and never make a list in his life, that having some structure and order keeps me sane. In fact, I am one of those neurotic list makers that actually adds something to the list if I did it and it wasn't orginally on there...just so I can check it off. Yes, it is a sickness. But, I can only work on one neurosis at a time. He is really trying to be supportive and help me figure out a way to find balance. What a wonderful husband.

A new concept was presented to me: Our outside circumstances or life situations do not cause our feelings. Our thoughts cause our feelings. Wow. I have been trying to get my mind around this for about a week now. In some situations, it makes perfect sense. If you are scared of heights and go up in a tall and open building, you may feel anxious and fearful. However, since everyone does not feel the same way about it...it was not the experience that caused you to feel anxious or fearful...it was your perception of the experience. It's just in how you processed your thoughts about it that lead to your feelings. Okay, I get that.

But, when I try to use it in a personal example, like when somebody says something that really hurt your feelings, it's harder to apply. According to this theory, they didn't hurt your feelings. In fact, people can't hurt your feelings. It is what you thought about what they said that lead to your hurt feelings. "That hurt my feelings because they said or acted in a way that wasn't acceptable to me." So, if you think about it that way, the hurt and the anger should go away. Okay, I have been trying, but I have to be honest...I still feel like they hurt my feelings!

It is a new concept and a whole new way of thinking for me. On one hand, it gives me hope that this will help battle and overcome my struggle with insecurities and anxiety. On the other, learning a whole new way of thinking seems very overwhelming.

I wonder if there is a theory about "PMS" (Post-Mommy Syndrome). Okay, I just made that up...but I think it's worthy of consideration. I think my hormones changed drastically after I had Isabelle, my first. And honestly, I think they have changed drastically after each child...and have never gone back to normal!! After each pregnancy, my hair has gotten less and less curly. After each pregnancy, I have become more tired, worried, impatient and emotional. After each pregnancy, I PMS worse and have worse cycles (sorry if that is TMI!). In fact, just the other day I told my husband that I was having a hard time with PMS this time. My wonderful, supportive husband responded lovingly and honestly that the whole family was having a hard time with my PMS! But, he also sent me this:

The Key that Unlocks the Door to Happiness
By Buddy T from the Big Book of AA

It seems almost too simple to be true, but acceptance -- accepting things exactly as they are -- can be the key that unlocks the door to happiness.It may be one of the most referenced passages in recovery literature. It's from Page 449 of Alcoholics Anonymous or as it is widely known:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance! The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact. Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior."

Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey. I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse. I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were. Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

baby steps...

I looked at my calendar yesterday and noticed that there are only 6 weeks left of school. SIX weeks! That means summer will be here and then...kindergarten. I realize that kindergarten may not sound like such a big deal, but it seems like that way to me right now. I feel like it is going to be a big life change for not only my first born (Could I possibly have a child in kindergarten? When did that happen?), but for me.

Even Jonathan seems to be a little overwhelmed by the prospect. He was asking me the other day, "So she goes to school from 7:40 to 2:40?" Pause. "Every day?" Exactly.

I have no doubt that Isabelle is ready and will do great in kindergarten. I am expecting the usual transition issues, but I know she will end up loving it. However, my daughter seems to bounce back and forth between being excited to refusing to go. Oh dear. I love her, God is so not calling me to homeschooling.

Yesterday she kept following me around saying that she was going to go where ever I go. We had to make a run to Home Depot last night (all that catching up on laundry that the washer and dryer went out!) and on the way home she was asking why I lived away from Nana and Papa and if everyone that got married had to move away from their mommy and daddy and if so, she didn't want to get married. Jonathan informed her that she could live with us forever. Oh my heart.

I have read that being a good parent is raising your child to not need you when they grow up. What they neglect to add is how hard that is. I know I shouldn't be looking too far into the future, but it seems like we are taking the first steps into independence and our first big change. It is all very overwhelming to me right now.

Not to mention there seems to be some of what I refer to as "crazy moms" out there. I have encountered "crazy moms" even before the kindergarten world and it seems to get worse once they are actually in school. I am so not ready or at a place in my life where I can handle "crazy mom syndrome" in a healthy way right now. I am working on it and hope to make some progress before Izzy starts school to have more confidence and security in my identity in Christ that the "crazy mom syndrome" won't affect me so much...cause me to falter, doubt and not trust myself. To have complete righteous confidence in who God created me to be and the path He has set before me. To trust that and not waver from it.

I am really bad about "comparing every one's outsides to my insides" as they say in recovery. After 3 years you would think I would have stopped it. "Just Stop It!" But, I have to remind myself...progress, not perfection. It's just that I look at everyone else and they seem to have it all together...to "get it" while I still continue to struggle. In fact, it's an endless cycle...as the more "put together" someone else appears to be, the more I question myself. I forget, in the moment, to remind myself that I don't know "their insides" or to give it to God and remember what He says about me. I just end up feeling confused, insecure and inadequate.

And you know what really makes me angry? Are the woman, maybe even out of their own insecurity, that have such a hard time being "real and authentic" that they have to put on this "perfect appearance" (even though I have to remind myself there is no such thing as perfection in the world or even a healthy pursuit of perfection). In fact, in my recovery experience, the more "perfect" a person appears, the more problems they probably have. But, alas, I forget about this in the moment and the confident, striving, perfect woman leaves me feeling less than worthy and unsettled. I realize this is not their fault...this is my issue to deal with. I just wish we could all be authentic and vulnerable, so no one is left to ever feel unworthy. What a horrible feeling. And how many women feel like that. I know. I know from person experience and from the stories I hear every Thursday night at Celebrate Recovery.

I keep hearing God speak to me. I am reflecting on what He is revealing to me:

Simplifying will lead to Balance. Trusting in God and myself and Accepting how and who He made me will lead to healthy Boundaries and Righteous Confidence. Setting and establishing Realistic expectations for myself and from others will lead to Acceptance. What I am hoping for is Rest and Peace in the Grace of God.

So, I have the visual of the big picture...just how to get there keeps eluding me.

"You, O Lord, I put my trust;
Let me never be ashamed.
Deliver me in Your righteousness."

Psalm 31:1

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

give peace a chance...

I came across this blog and it really resonated with me. I thought everyone would get something out of reading it. Who couldn't use a little piece of peace? Sometimes I get so busy with bible studies and ministries, that in all the good things, the peace I am seeking gets lost. This reminded me that it's in the simplest and most quiet times with Jesus where we encounter it. Embrace it.

Why is Quiet Time With Jesus So Important?
When Jesus rose from the grave and appeared in the midst of the disciples meeting behind locked doors, I imagine they were stunned- shocked- overjoyed.With great intentionality Jesus chose the words he would use to greet his beloved disciples. Of all the themes he could have chosen in the moment, he picked what they needed most. What was it?Joy?Hope?Love?While all of these would have certainly been appropriate, Jesus didn't touch on any of the above. He simply said over and over again, "Peace be with you!" According to John 20, it is the first thing He said. He said it again before breathing on them to receive the Holy Spirit. Then when addressing Thomas and his doubts, he said it again, "Peace be with you!"And isn't it interesting that each time Jesus is recorded as saying this, it ends with an exclamation point. This tells me that not only was Jesus intentional with saying this, He was also emphatic. He said it with great emphasis and urgency.Why Peace?And Why did Jesus say it with that particular phrasing "Peace be with you!"?I have a theory. The world is really good at conjuring up facades. Temporary moments of worldly happiness can appear joyful. The world takes hope and mistakes it for wishful thinking. And the world has made love a dime store word used to describe a feeling that can change with the wind.You see, the world can appear to offer joy, hope, and love. The world's offering of these is fleeting, temporary, and dangerously unstable... but it can put on a good show in the short term."I got that promotion- Joy!""I think we can afford this expensive house- hope!""He likes spending time with me- I think I'm in love!"However, jobs can be lost in an instant, houses can be foreclosed on, and feelings of love go as quickly as they come.So for a moment or two the world can offer fake joy, hope, and love.But it can not offer fake peace. It can offer peaceful settings and rituals to conjure up peaceful thoughts... but not true soul contentedness peace. The peace that flows despite circumstances can only be found through Jesus being with us. That's why Jesus phrased it the way he did, "Peace be with you!" In other words, you can walk through anything my sweet follower, if you realize that I am peace and I am with you."So, why is it so important to spend time with Jesus everyday? He will give you the exact instruction and comfort you will need to handle all He sees coming your way today. It is the perfect measure of His peace, packaged up just for you. You can stick it in your pocket and carry it with you throughout your day.Then with great expectation we can face the day and everything in it. Jesus has already whispered to us how to act and even more challenging how to react in every situation. So, instead of being a slave to our emotions and reacting based on feelings, we can remain victoriously peaceful no matter what.Last night we had dinner with a couple who were asking lots of questions about how Art and I handle all that is on our plate... 5 kids, a growing ministry, a restaurant business. We assured them that some days we handle it well but honestly other days it gets a little wacky.Then the husband paused and said, "yes, but through it all you just seem to have such peace."And with that I stuck my hand in my pocket and smiled.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

i would fly far away...

Remember the scene in Forrest Gump when he tries to help his childhood friend, Jenny (that's pronounced Jen-ny), from her abusive home? She goes running out to the corn fields and little Forrest goes running after her. She says, "If I were a bird, I would have wings and I would fly far...far away from here." In college (being that I went to The University of Alabama...yes, Forrest's Alma Mater), whenever we would get stressed, tired or overwhelmed, we would say that joking around, with the worst southern accent we could muster. Now, it takes on a whole new meaning. Ever have a time in your life when you wish you could just fly...far...far away from where you are?

"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings." - Hodding Carter, Journalist.

Isabelle is growing up so fast. In fact, they all are. But, she starts kindergarten this Fall. I never thought I would be that mom that would have a hard time come kindergarten. But, you know what? I am so that mom. And I feel this unbelievable and overwhelming pressure to deal with my stuff and try to get myself together before that chapter in our lives starts. I feel God pressing this desire onto my heart...not just for me to experience the freedom of His grace, but to be able to pass that along to my children.

I had a great childhood and wonderful parents. And I still have stuff to hash out. I just want to know at the end of the day, that I did the best I could. That the roots of our family are set firmly in the foundation of God. That I am the person God created me to be and honored Him with my thoughts and actions. To bring Him glory, even out of the stuff I have when I finally release it to Him.

The message of Shiloh last night was amazing. Once again, I felt God speaking directly to me. Angela spoke about Sanctification and how it is not what we are or what we do, but who we are. It is not something we earn. Sanctification is peace and blessing that comes from putting our trust in Christ. We are God's treasured possession. We are holy because He says we are. The enemy can't take away our holiness, so he will just try to convince us that we don't have it. Pleasing God is not a means to holiness, but is the fruit of it. Oh, how I wish everyone could hear the message first hand, because I so don't do it justice.

I felt the hint of freedom -- God calling that out to me -- but then immediately the overwhelming sensation of having to start all over again. For someone who has spent her life working, earning and pleasing, I am now having to let that concept go. After 31 years, it feels comfortable to be there. Familiar. It's a little scary to think of who I will be and what my life will be like without it. I know that's sounds incredibly asinine. Why would I balk at freedom? Well, I am trying to figure it out. And I am willing to wrestle with God until the blessing.

"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord." (2 Corin 3:18).

I feel God preparing us for something great. Something so much bigger than us. Only He can take what the enemy means for evil and make it glorious. When I voiced my frustration and brokenness about seeing so many hurting people around me, a friend reminded me that in order for there to be a revival, there must be something to be revived from. In order for there to be redemption and restoration, there must first be something, someone broken. In the meantime, we stand, right now, in the hope of His promises and His character. His redemption, restoration and revival.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

turn this life around...

Okay. My friend, Kimberly, emailed me impatiently asking where my blog was for this week. I just didn't have anything to say. For those that know me...I know, shocking. Well, let me clarify...I didn't have anything positive to say. It's just been a crazy kind of time lately. With Celebrate Recovery and people knowing Jonathan and my story, we are blessed with hearing the stories and struggles of others. While it is a blessing and a priveledge to pray for and encourage friends and the people God puts in our path, it can also be heart-breaking. It is hard to hear in a week's time of struggles with divorce, alcoholism, addiction, death, infidelity, eating disorders, anxiety and depression.

It weighs so heavy on my heart and I wish so much that there was more I could do. I ask God, "Why?" We are not living out a story line in a movie or soap opera. This is real life. And in real life, people are hurting, suffering and feeling lost. It's so easy to think or say, "Stop it. Just stop it." Especially with Christians...People say, "Go to God. If you have God then you have all you need. Get in the Word." How hard it must be for people, especially Christians, to admit that they are struggling or that they need help. Because we feel, too, that if we are walking with God, that should be enough. It is such a big deal for people to admit that they are having a hard time. It is a bigger deal to take the first step into getting help. It is an even bigger deal to go to your first recovery meeting. In fact, I am of the belief that everyone should be in recovery. And news flash...if you think that you have no reason being in recovery, then you're probably the type of person who needs it most! :) I know that most people hear "recovery" and think of just alcohol or drugs. Our recovery program allows people to address and start to allow God to heal them from all kinds of hurts, hang-ups and habits. If you are alive, breathing and walking around, chances are you've been hurt or hurt someone else that you need to lay it down, ask for forgiveness and be restored. If you are above the age of 18, chances are you have some baggage you are carrying around...that Christ wants to carry for you. There is freedom in being authentic and vulnerable and say, "I don't have it together. I am having a hard time." Whew. I have seen miracles start from just that. Freedom from no longer carrying the burden and the secret all alone.

By the way, I don't have it together and I am having a hard time! Maybe not every day, but I still struggle with things. Right now, lots of things. Right now, more often than not. They may not be alcohol or drugs. But, they can be just as destructive or damaging. Insecurities, worry, anxitey, anger, stress, body image and eating issues, fear and control. Things I think I have dealt with and put behind me. Things that I thought I has hashed out and resolved with God. Yup, some of all of those things still creep back up. Sometimes when I least expect it. For example, I went bathing suit shopping over the weekend. It was such a terrible experience, my husband took the 2 older kiddos to the car so that I could take my time. I spent most of my time in the fitting room looking at Becca through tear-filled eyes telling myself that she was all worth it. All worth having to go to the "Tankini". All worth having to buy a "Mom" bathing suit. (Having to buy extra bra inserts, no less!). It was not my best day.

My kids just had nachos for dinner because I didn't have time to plan ahead. And by "nachos" I mean tortillas chips with some processed cheese on top. We are getting our carpet pulled up and staining our concrete floors because our dog has a weak bladder. All of my furniture is in hallways, piled in the kitchen and all over counters and in bathrooms. The kids and I are sharing one bathroom, Becca's crib is in the guestroom, we are sleeping in the kid's loft on the sofa bed, and I believe Jonathan is shaving in the kitchen sink. My laundry (have I mentioned that I abhor laundry?) is all over the kitchen. You would think that this would be a unique situation because of the work being done on the house. Well, it is. Usually I hide it all in my bedroom, so I can close the door and shut it away.

I cannot live without caffeine. And even with this addiction (that I refuse to go into recovery from), I am still exhausted. For the first time in my life, I feel like...a mom. Not some young, chic, uber-cool mom. Just a tired, can't-keep-it-together, mom. I finally break down in tears from the frustration, stress and realization that yes, I am no longer cool, now am a tired mom and confess this to my husband. He says oh-so-lovingly, "Well, you are getting older and you are a mom." (Have I mentioned before that my love language is affirmations?). He can't seem to understand why I am so upset. I respond, just as lovingly, "You really suck at knowing what to say." (Again, have I mentioned affirmations?).

Isabelle, my 5 year old, is trying out for the Pre-Team Dance Team with her Dance School. Yes, Dance Team. They have auditions and everything. She has been begging for over a year. She starts Kindergarten in the Fall. She is a mature, sweet, polite little girl one minute and a bona-fide sassy, drama queen the next. She is growing up. I am having a hard time with this.

Nicholas, my only son, made a goal in last week's soccer game! He tends to be a shy little guy that I worry about not finding the right thing that will draw our his amazing and silly personality. I don't know if soccer is it, (I mean, he's only 3), but he seems to have come out of his shell and has found confidence on his team.

Becca, my sweet Becca, has two teeth, smiles almost all of time and has the sweetest disposition of any baby. I am blessed.

I keep trying to keep my focus on God. And I know that with my focus on Him, He will bring balance to my life, family, time and priorities. In Him, I will find rest in His grace and mercy. In Him, I will find peace and joy in all my circumstances. I just want to know that I am on His path and living His will in my life. Most of all, I want to please Him and bring Him glory.

Whole Again by Jennifer Knapp

Daddy, daddy do you miss me.
The way I crawled upon your knee.
Those childish games of hide and seek
Seem a million miles away.
Am I lost in some illusion.


Or am I what you thought I'd be.
Now it seems I've found myself
In need to be forgiven.
Is there still room upon that knee?


If I give my Life, If I lay it down
Can you turn this Life around, around
Can I be made clean
By this offering of my soul.
Can I be made whole again?


Have I labored all for nothing.
Trying to make it on my own.
Fear to reach out to the hand
Of one who understands me


Say I'd rather be here all alone.
It's all my fault I sit and wallow in seclusion.
As if I had no hope at all,
I guess truth becomes you
I have seen it all in motion
That Pride comes before the fall.


If I give my Life, If I lay it down
Can you turn this Life around, around
Can I be made clean
By this offering of my soul.
Can I be made whole again?


Can I offer up this simple prayer.
Pray it finds a simple ear.
A scratch in your infinite time.
Not withstanding my fallings
Not withstanding my crime!


If I give my Life, If I lay it down
Can you turn this Life around, around
Can I be made clean,
By this offering of my soul.
Can I be made whole again?