just different...tidbits...

So we have made it through the second week of school! Isabelle is still loving it. I see so much of myself in her. She may look like the spitting image of Jonathan, but she is a reflection of my heart. Needless to say, I pray for her tender and sensitive spirit every day. I loved school. I loved everything about it. And it is so exciting to see her excitement when she retells stories of her day..."Mommy, I did not have to move my apple!"...."Mommy, the chicken nuggets are so good!"..."Mommy, we chased the gingerbread man all over school!". To see her learning to read and her growing love for it. While she loves school, she gets nervous with change and is tired by this last day of the week. She has been in bed by 7:00 every night. And I hear her bound out of bed every morning to turn off her alarm at 6:30 and start getting ready...barely able to contain her excitement and energy. I am constantly asking her to whisper so she doesn't wake up her siblings.

As we walked to school this morning, she said, "Mommy, I miss you too much during the day. Can you home school me?" Thus began a very detailed discussion about homeschooling. I never knew that our walks to school in the mornings would produce such in depth and insightful conversations. It is fascinating. I explained to her how there is no right or wrong answer... just different ways of doing things. How each family needs to pray and make the best decision between them and God on how to educate their children. I told her that I knew that no one could love her as well as I could, but I did believe that there are others who are called and gifted to be excellent, nurturing and loving teachers. And, oh, how grateful I am for them! While it is my job to teach her everything she needs to know, I may not be the best one to teach her....well, let's say, algebra...for those of you that know me! I told her that she will learn the most important thing of all in school...how to make good and right decisions when she is not with her mom and dad. When it is just her and God...faced with a choice. I cannot be with her every minute as she grows...I think it's important to teach and equip our children to make the right choices when no one is around. It's like that quote...that breaks my heart every time I think of it, "A good parent raises their children to not need them when they grow up." How heartbreaking and humbling, but how true. She gets the opportunity to show Christ by her words and her actions every day to children, to teachers, to custodians...who may not know Him. What a privilege. I have the most important job in the world...I am raising Saints and Warriors for the Kingdom of God. I am raising them to follow God's will and path for their lives...not mine. I am privileged to be called to love and serve my children and family...so they can grow to love and serve in the future, in what ever calling they may have. Right now, Isabelle feels her calling is to be a "Artist, Teacher, Dance Teacher, Mommy." She will have three baby girls...no boys. Nicholas is fascinated with Police Officers. Becca, my wild child, will probably end up in a traveling circus somewhere.

Nicholas and Becca are going to our wonderful 2 day a week Mother's Day out where I do my Women's Bible Study. I am so blessed by Ms. Becky and Ms. Mitzi and their wonderful teachers that sacrifice and dedicate their lives to love and care for our children...to teach them their letters...and teach them about God. Nicholas is finally old enough to go to Chapel...he is so excited. He cannot wait to be Prayer Leader. However, my shy little guy is still a wreck when I drop him off in the morning. I never knew my cuddlebug clown at home would be such a shy, introverted child everywhere else. I am so glad that we have had the opportunity to see this side of him and know that he struggles with change and new people before he goes off to school.

Becca is officially walking. Everywhere. With her pacifier and blankie. All the time. We have got to buy her a second blankie. We have almost lost her blankie twice...and that's not a good situation. She has so much personality in such a little body. I am amazed by each of my children and so excited to see what God has in store for them.

I had a few amazing talks with my counselor (working on stress reduction), girlfriends and my amazing Celebrate Recovery Group. Did you know that there is no such thing as necessary worry? Concern for others is a form of compassion, but worry produces nothing productive. Worry is a thought process that leads to anxiety. We worry when we have no control to do anything. I have realized that I spend a lot of time and energy worrying...and I want to stop. I want to breathe and slow down. I want to simplify and be in the present. I want to walk and talk with God every moment of the day and see Him wherever I look...and whoever I look at. God has never set eyes on someone He doesn't love. We are all imperfect people loved by a perfect God. If it wasn't for His grace, forgiveness and Christ on the Cross, Heaven would be empty. None of us are good enough on our own. And none of us have all the answers, have it all together, or have it all figured out. I look at my mistakes or my hurts and I wouldn't change a thing. We can't go back to "normal" or to the way things were...but, we wouldn't want to. If we knew the outcome and what only God can do...work ALL things for good for those called according to His purpose...we would choose God's Will every time. It's a Perfect Will. When we forgive ourselves, we don't change our past, but we allow God to change our future. We are all in this together...yet, I rarely feel like we are One in the Body of Christ. We are all separated...usually by small hurtful things. Too separated to have healing. Forgiveness is all about letting go. It's like Tug of War. As long as both sides are pulling, it's a war. Once you let go, the war is over...even if the other side continues to pull. I can't...We can't...But...God Can.