Wednesday, December 2, 2009

it's all in the details...

Ever have a day where you get up at 6am hoping for some quiet time and a cup of coffee before you hear the pitter patter of little feet, yet there they come? Probably because those little feet were kicking you all night in bed and couldn't help but get up when you did! Then as you kiss your oldest good-bye you hear the crashing of a plate of left-over french toast being pulled down from the counter by one of the dogs...while the other one is peeing and pooping in the other room. Then as you put the dogs out to try and clean up, they get out. Your son can't find his shoes, your other daughter can't find her lunchbox and the garage door won't close. And isn't it fun being a mom?? Gotta love it. Because among and within the organized chaos, you find moments of joy and humor...in the details. Sometimes I just need to slow down enough to notice them...because they make everything worthwhile.

If Becca weren't so cute and funny, she would get in so much more trouble. The other morning Jonathan gave Becca 2 gummy vitamins for herself and then gave her two more and told her to go give them to her brother, "Kikki" (her name for Nicky). She goes into the other room for a few minutes and then comes out and says, "All gone!" Jonathan asked, "Did you give the vitamins to Kikki?" (unfortunately for Nicky, they name has stuck for all of us). Becca replied with a sweet, "Nooooo." Jonathan asks incredulously, "Well, where are they?" Becca's reply? She opens her mouth...And grins.

Since Izzy, or "Sissy", according to Becca, has debunked the whole Tooth Fairy character, she started asking questions about Santa. She asked, "Mommy, do you and daddy buy the presents or does Santa?" I reply, "Well, Mommy and daddy buy you some things, but Santa also brings something. But, we do it because it's Jesus' birthday." Izzy silently ponders this. "Okay...but, Jesus is the best present!" This, after she gave all $20 she had saved and donated it to her school's Turkeys Tackling Hunger because she, "wanted to feel a whole family for Thanksgiving." In fact, the first grade raised more money than any other grade!

This afternoon, while Becca was taking a nap, I put Play Station 3 soccer on for Nicky (his favorite). I got into bed to defrost and thaw out from bible study (brrrr....it is cold for Texas) and to try and get rid of the headache that was coming on. After a few minutes (and after Nicky beat the computer 13-0), he comes in and cuddles up to me. "Mommy, I love soccer...but, I love you more!" He is also a wonderful and caring brother. Becca has been scared of the dark (and of her curtains??) in her room at night. Monday night, as we were putting her to bed, she starts crying for "Kikki!!" She's been sleeping with him ever since. On Tuesday he made his two sisters and me bead bracelets. When he gave it Izzy, she said, "Oh, Nicky, it's beautiful! I love you!" Then she turns to me and says, "That's better than thank you, isn't it mommy?"

Okay, so Becca isn't sleeping in her own bed, Izzy got her guitar taken away last week because of a sassy attitude (and has yet to earn it back) and Nicky gets grounded from PS 3 soccer at least once a week, there are still those precious moments when a light goes on and your heart smiles and you think, "Every thing's going to be Okay."















Thursday, November 19, 2009

give me your eyes for just one second, give me your eyes so I can see, everything that I keep missin', give me your love for humanity...

Do you remember who and where you were before you knew Christ? Are you still tremendously thankful and humbled by how Christ has changed your life? I bet we all are. But, do you get caught up in the day to day and forget? I know I do. Maybe if we were more thoughtful, mindful and consistent to remember His grace in awe, we could see through His eyes and love His humanity. The world could use more love. Crazy good love. You have to read "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and here is why...

"Brooke Bronkowski was a beautiful fourteen-year-old girl who was in love with Jesus. When she was in junior high, she started a Bible study on her campus. She spent her babysitting money on Bibles so she could give them out to her unsaved friends. Youth pastors who heard about this brought her boxes of Bibles to give away. Brooke wrote the following essay when she was about twelve; it will give you an idea of the kind of girl she was.

'Since I Have My Life Before Me' by Brooke Bronkowski

I'll live my life to the fullest. I'll be happy. I'll brighten up. I will be more joyful than I have ever been. I will be kind to others. I will loosen up. I will tell others about Christ. I will go on adventures and change the world. I will be bold and not change who I really am. I will have no troubles but instead help others with their troubles.
You see, I'll be one of those people who love to be history makers at a young age. Oh, I'll have moments, good and bad, but I will wipe away the bad and only remember the good. In fact, that's all I remember, just good moments, nothing in between, just living my life to the fullest. I'll be one of those people who somewhere with a mission, an awesome plan, a world-changing plan, and nothing will hold me back. I'll set an example for others, I will pray for direction.
I have my life before me. I will give others the joy I have and God will give me more joy. I will do everything God tell me to do. I will follow the footsteps of God. I will do my best!!!'

"During her freshman year in high school, Brooke was in a car accident while driving to the movies. Her life on earth ended when she was just fourteen, but her impact didn't. Nearly fifteen hundred people attended Brooke's memorial service. People from her public high school read poems she had written about her love for God. Everyone spoke of her example and joy.

I shared the gospel and invited those who wanted to know Jesus to come up and give their lives to Him. There must have been at least two hundred students on their knees at the front of the church praying for salvation. Ushers gave a Bible to each of them. They were Bibles that Brooke had kept in her garage, hoping to give out to all of her unsaved friends. In one day, Brooke led more people to the Lord than most ever will."

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

crazy...in love...

I have started to read a much talked about book in my circle of church and Facebook friends, "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. I am not too far into the book, but I am already hooked. I can love God more. We all can. I can focus on Him more. We all can. I can be more mindful about His awesomeness and majesty more. We all can. I can listen to Him more. We all can. This life is God's movie. It's all about Him. And I am blessed to have a bit part in His kingdom here on earth to have an eternal one in the ever after with Him.

"We have only our two-fifths-of-a-second-long scene to live. I don't know about you, but I want my two-fifths of a second to be about my making much of God. First Corinthians 10:31 says, 'So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." That is what our each of our two-fifths of a second is about. So what does that mean for you? Frankly, you need to get over yourself. It might sound harsh, but that's seriously what it means."

I love how Francis Chan challenges us, the church, to change. There are serious problems in our church, which is the body of Christ. But, we can't just sit back and point fingers and place the blame on others. We need to look inside. What needs to be changed in us? How can we love more? How can we give God all the glory? We don't need to measure ourselves against the standard of those around us, but against the One who sets the standard.

"I think it's far too easy to blame the American church without acknowledging that we are each part of the church and therefore responsible. But, I think we all feel deeply, even if we haven't voiced it, that the church in many ways is not doing well. I get nervous when I think of how we've missed who we are supposed to be, and sad when I think about how we're missing out on all that God wants for the people He loved enough to die for...We need to stop giving people excuses not to believe in God. You've probably heard the expression 'I believe in God, just not organized religion.' I don't think people would say that if the church truly lived like we are called to live. The expression would change to 'I can't deny what the church does, but I don't believe in their God.' At least then they'd address their rejection of God rather than use the church as a scapegoat. "

I know people who have turned their backs on the church. Hurt by the body of Christ, they have walked away from it, never intending to turn their back on God. I know others that are seeking to fill the void of emptiness and despair with joy, hope, peace and love, seeking everything and everyone other than God. I firmly believe that the church, the body of Christ, should be the very first place someone hurting and broken can go to find hope and healing. And it breaks my heart that often times, it's not. Christianity is growing at rapid rates in countries where it is illegal to be a Christian. People are risking their physical lives for their spiritual ones. But, what about the countries where we are free to worship Christ? Is it that others have a greater need for the gospel? I don't think so. I don't think it matters where or who you are. All of our need for Christ is great. What is the one thing thing that separates Christianity from every other religion? Grace. I know I need grace. What about you? "Crazy Love is the perfect title for this book. When Jesus was asked, 'What is the greatest commandment?' He responded with 'Love.' " I know I need love. What about you? But, I also need to give more grace and more love. What about you?

"There is an epidemic of spiritual amnesia going around, and none of us is immune. No matter how many fascinating details we learn about God's creation, no matter how many pictures we see of His galaxies, and no matter how many sunsets we watch, we still forget. Most of know that we are supposed to love and fear God; that we are supposed to read our Bibles and pray so that we can get to know Him better; that we are supposed to worship Him with our lives. But, actually living it out is challenging. It confuses us when loving God is hard. Shouldn't it be easy to love a God so wonderful? When we love God because we feel we should love Him, instead of genuinely loving out of our true selves, we have forgotten who God really is. Our amnesia is flaring up again. It may sound 'un-Christian' to say that on some mornings I don't feel like loving God, or I just forget to. But I do. In our world, where hundreds of things distract us from God, we have to intentionally and consistently remind ourselves of Him."

OK, I am only on page 50 and I am already a little more than crazy in love with this book...and with God!

Friday, November 13, 2009

fyi on the 411

Well, it's Friday and I have had a great week! I have found, after a friend forced me to go work out Monday night, a great workout schedule at my gym. I had an awesome girl-time lunch with my best girlfriends yesterday. I had a wonderful run and Yoga class this morning, got all of my Thanksgiving shopping done and a great day with my kids so far. What more could you ask for? I may be behind in laundry and Sophie continues to poop and pee in the house, but it's all about perspective, right?

My amazing husband of 9 years has his 37th birthday this Tuesday! We are celebrating starting tonight for Family Fun Night. I say "starting" because if it were up to him he would get a "Birthday Month", but we have compromised on a "Birthday Week." I am thankful for him. And I love him more every year...even with each gray hair that grows! (looks so much better on him than it does on me!).

I have been reading this amazing daily devotional, "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. She is a missionary who for years journaled her quiet time with the Lord. She recorded not only her thoughts and prayer requests, but God's quiet voice that spoke to her in her stillness in return. She wrote this devotional from the perspective of God speaking to you. It's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I would encourage anyone to get this!

The best PMS movies: "Under the Tuscan Sun" or "P.S. I Love You." I am assuming "The Time Traveler's Wife" will make it to this list, but I have yet to see it. I will confirm once I do.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving Week. The kids get a whole week off. I look forward to slowing down and being mindful about what we are and have to be so thankful for. God is good! All the time! So, Have a Happy Thanksgiving! Have an attitude of gratitude! Be thankful and thank the One that provides everthing.

"It has taken me many years to understand that God simply wants us to embrace what he has already done for us and rest in that. What I discovered is that when I am trying so hard to live a good life, all the focus is on me. Then all I can see is where I am flawed or failing. When I take my eyes off myself and my performance, and focus instead on the love of God and the companionship of Christ, not only is there amazing joy in that place, but peace too. Jesus wants us to live in his victory. He has already overcome the enemy. He has already paid for our sin...Resting in the love of God means letting go of all the broken pieces we cling to and clinging to him instead. An overcomer is not someone who has never fallen, but rather someone who knows where her true strength lies." ("Let Go" by Shelia Walsh).

P.S. God loves you no matter what...whether you trick or treat or choose not to, public school or homeschool, or put a Christmas tree up in December or choose not to. I hope we all focus on the reason for the season and be thankful and love. God is love. And love makes the world go round. "As you are, right at this moment, God loves you. He knows all that is true about you, and he loves you. Even when you can't forgive yourself, He forgives you. There is nothing you can do to make Him love you more. There is nothing you can do to make Him love you less. This is the promise of Grace." ("Let Go").

Thursday, November 5, 2009

shout out to God's girls...Holla!

Rejection

Lysa TerKeurst

"For the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance."

Psalm 94:14 (NIV)

Devotion:

A few months back I got a phone call I'd been hoping for over 15 years to receive. It was the slightest crack in the doorway of a dream.

I was hesitantly excited. When you have wanted something for a long time and it comes close to becoming a reality, it's thrilling and terrifying all at the same time. Suddenly, your heart shifts from neutral into this vulnerable place where acceptance co-mingles with rejection. And you are all too aware things could go either way.

Following the call, I packaged up my application to send and let my mind prematurely celebrate.

Then I waited.

And waited.

And nothing.

Feeling like a foolish girl who'd bought a prom dress before actually being asked to the dance, I sheepishly called to inquire whether or not my application had been received. I was told it had been and if I hadn't heard anything yet, I should assume it was a "no."

Ouch.

That's when you go sit on your back deck, close your eyes, and decide whether to let the tears slip quietly down your cheeks or blink them back in an act of courageous defiance.

Rejection stinks.

I mean it really stinks.

It stunk when Saxon Palmer didn't ask me to couple skate in the 5th grade. It stunk when my Dad left our family. It stunk when I thought I was getting engaged at the very dinner my college love broke up with me. It stunk when each of my book proposals for years were declined by publishers. And it stunk when I sat on my deck and processed this situation.

Sometimes things like this just simply stink and there's no cheery rainbow or pot of gold around the next corner. The music doesn't crescendo as the hero in the story scoops you onto the side of his horse and the two of you ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

Sometimes it just is what it is. And that's that.

But God's girls have a beautiful promise tucked in our pocket that lets us smile even when tears puddle in the corner of our eyes. Even when there's no rainbow, pot of gold, or galloping prince, we have the promise of redemption.

On the other side of every death there will always be a resurrection of some sort. Maybe not a resurrection of our circumstances. And maybe not a resurrection of things lining up like we thought they should. But there will be a resurrection. Jesus has insured that.

Nothing in this world can permanently strip hope from our lives when we know we do "not follow cleverly invented stories...about the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ" but we follow the reality of the Risen One (2 Peter 1:16, NIV). He is our resurrection.


He is our hope.

He is that beautiful reminder that rejection from man never means rejection from God.

And He is the one who is weaving a story into our life that will one day make sense.

Dear Lord, I know You suffered the sting of rejection in a much more intense way than I ever will. And while this rejection is small in the grand scheme of life, it feels huge in my heart right now. Will You help me process this? Will You help me see past it? Will You let this fragile heart feel the warmth of Your acceptance and love today? In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:

Visit Lysa's blog to talk about keeping our identity secure even when circumstances make us doubt.

Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa TerKeurst

P31 Woman magazine

Application Steps:

The reality is our identity in Christ is always certain even when circumstances are constantly shifting. We must park our mind on the truth of who God says we are. Read Lysa's blog today for more on how to do this.

Reflections:

How can I separate my identity from my circumstance? Spend some time contemplating this today.

Power Verses:

Romans 8:38-39, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (NIV)

Isaiah 54:10, "'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the LORD, who has compassion on you." (NIV)

© 2009 by Lysa TerKeurst. All rights reserved.

Proverbs 31 Ministries

616-G Matthews-Mint Hill Road

Matthews, NC 28105

www.proverbs31.org

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

come together...right now...

So, Izzy's seventh birthday has come and passed. I can't believe that such a big deal came and went so fast. I have a feeling that time will just keep going by faster and faster. How will I keep up? Because I don't want to miss a thing. I want to slow down and breathe in and take it all in. But, I digress...we had a great and special time. My parents came in town and we went to Sea World. It poured all the way there and we had already decided that if it was still pouring we would just turn around and go home. But, when we got there the rain stopped and...there were no lines to be seen anywhere. The weather was cool in the morning, warm in the afternoon, and cool in the evening.

We were able to make every show, feed and pet the dolphins and ride the Shamu roller coaster several times. I love, LOVE the Shamu show. From the minute they show the Military commercial and ask all military and retired military and their families to stand, I cry. I tear up when I see an old man stand up as people applaud his bravery and sacrifice. I tear up when I see the young soldiers and airmen in uniform walk around the park with their loved ones. I tear up when I see my dad salute them and thank them for their service.

I am an Air Force Brat. I moved 13 times in 18 years. I went to 3 high schools in 4 years. I have lived in 2 other countries than the States and have visited a lot more than that. My parents were in 2 other countries the whole time I was in college. I have always hated the question, "Where are you from?" How do you answer that when your "home" is a state of mind. When you have never felt at home anywhere, but a little bit of everywhere. No one, unless they share in this unique situation and experience, can understand.

One of my dearest and oldest friends and fellow BRAT sent me a link about a movie called "BRATS: Our Journey Home." I sent it to other fellow BRAT friends and my parents. My dad ordered the DVD and brought it with them on this visit. We were given a wonderful day while the kids were at school to watch this unique documentary together. I am blessed by the parents I have and how they raised me. I am blessed with the relationship I still have with them. I would not be who I am without them.

I love hearing people's stories. My favorite part of Celebrate Recovery is hearing testimonies. I love learning about people, their past, their families, their hurts and their triumphs. After watching this movie, I realized how being a BRAT is a big part of my story. Watching this movie made me realize what a special, unique and wonderful group of humanity we are. Our unique childhood experiences have shaped who we have become. I may be flawed and will always have to work through my imperfections and flaws, but watching this movie made me appreciate even my flaws. For they came from an interesting experience and a great price.

So, here's to not just all the military, but also their families that did not sign up for a tour of duty, but served and sacrificed just the same. Here is a summary of the movie...and to be honest, a summary of a little bit of all of us BRATS.

"It's hard to imagine a military BRAT'S childhood. Moving from base to base around the world, they are at home everywhere - and nowhere. There are 1.2 million children being raised in the military today. An estimated 15 million Americans are former BRATS. They include actors Jessica Alba and Robert Duvall, Senator John McCain, and basketball star Shaquille O'Neal.

BRATS is the first cinematic glimpse into a global subculture whose journey to adulthood is a high-octane mixture of incredible excitement and enormous pain. Make no mistake - BRATS is not about the U.S. military - it's about their children, who grow up in a paradox that is idealistic and authoritarian, privileged and perilous, supportive and stifling - all at the same time. Their passports say "United States," but they're really citizens of the world.

Singer/songwriter and Air Force brat Kris Kristofferson leads us through the heart of their experiences, sharing intimate memories with fellow BRATS, including General Norman Schwarzkopf and author Mary Edwards Wertsch, whose ground-breaking book, Military Brats: Legacies of Childhood Inside the Fortress, was one of the seminal inspirations for this film. Their stories reveal the peculiar landscape of their childhood, the culture that binds them together, and the power it exerts over their adult lives.

A seven-year work of passion by independent filmmaker Donna Musil, BRATS features rare archival footage, home movies and private photographs from post-war Japan, Germany, and Vietnam.
"

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

i was made to love you...

Tomorrow is Izzy's 7th birthday. Seriously. SEVEN. I remember when my friends' kids were turning 7 and I thought that seemed so old. It's the first birthday where they really aren't little kids any more. It's her first "Big Girl" birthday...and it's breaking this mommy's heart. I am so proud (and just a little relieved) that she committed her life to Christ and followed Him in baptism this year. And I am so excited to see her relationship with the Lord grow as she continues to grow in Him. I just pray that she will forever have a heart for God and will follow Him all the days of her life. I pray that her identity and confidence will be found in Christ...and in Christ alone. I pray that I will not fail miserably in this precious job that God entrusted in my care.

We are busy. I wonder how we got here. I always have good intentions to have a slower and simple pace of life and then, before you know it, I am over-committed and stressed. With all good things like dance (seeing Becca in tap shoes and how much Izzy loves it is precious), piano, soccer (seeing my sweet, quiet Nicky shine on the field is awesome!), prayer meetings like Moms in Touch, bible study, Homeroom mom, and Celebrate Recovery. All wonderful things. But, then add cleaning, cooking, laundry, driving, errands, paying bills, volunteering...um, life...and you have stress. And with stress, it seems that the joy - even in the good things - is gone.

Now, I just want to create space and time to breathe...to refresh and renew...for me, my marriage, my family and my ministry. To have joy...in all things. To give God glory for all of these amazing opportunities and blessings He has faithfully lavished on us. All of us. How many times do I just stop and say "Thank you, Lord!" without asking for anything? He tells us to come to Him with gratitude...a thankful heart and spirit. Oh, how we should be so humbled with how He has blessed us. Oh, how selfish we are with His grace. Why do we get so caught up in ourselves and our lives that our thank yous are short and our list of petitions are long?

"Repentance is one of the most wonderful privileges Christ has given us through Hiss cross...we haven't repented, however, until we've experienced what 2 Corinthians 7:10 calls 'godly sorrow.' It's the kind that brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret...the first inappropriate response to the awareness that we've treated holy things as unholy is a lack of repentance. The other extreme is debilitating guilt and an unwillingness to let go of past failure long after repentance. God is looking for the healthy response of godly sorrow that brings repentance, not emotional self-mutilation."

I was made for God. I was made to love Him. We all were. There is so much from this week's homework from Daniel that spoke to me that I don't even know where to start. I just feel really blessed. To see how He has worked in my life...how He has delivered and redeemed me. Why is it so easy to forget to have a grateful heart and spirit? I would be a mess without Jesus! And I was. And a lot of times, I still am! That's why I need Him. I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept and believe that I am holy vessel for God. Because He says I am. That should be enough for me to believe it. But, I hold onto old patterns of thinking and lies that I am not. And I find myself thinking how dishonoring that is to Him. Boy, do I want my life to reflect my heart and what God has done in it!

"Beloved, my 'hopeless sorrow' totally missed the meaning of the biblical word redemption. God redeems something by buying it back through the payment of a ransom. He gave the life of His Son as the ransom to buy us back from the clutches of sin. He has also bought back the rights to our past and all its failures. It we cooperate, He'll turn every single one of those failures into something useful for His kingdom."

We all have our past and our failures...our hurts, old habits and patterns of behavior. Beth Moore talked about "keeping our noses clean." Recovery talks about "keeping your side of the street clean." Both mean to deal with your stuff and keep right with God. But, it also means that we are not going around wiping other people's noses or sweeping up their sides of the street. That is up to them to do. I pray that we will all deal with our "stuff" and repent..."to get off repentant knees white as snow, utterly pure and totally restored to fellowship with God." To no longer walk around with gaping wounds, but to walk upright...healed...with just the scars to tell our testimony.

"God isn't looking for perfection. He's looking for purity of heart: our authentic desire to do His will and give Him glory...You and I want God to be able to look on us amid our overindulged, self-absorbed culture, then glance to His right and say, 'She has an extraordinary spirit, doesn't she, Son?' Perhaps Christ will nod His head and, while thinking the thoughts of an anxious bridegroom, lean over and say, 'And isn't she beautiful?'

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

not better...not worse...just different...

Oh. My. Goodness...there are a handful of books and movies that I just think everyone needs to experience for themselves. And you know what it's like. You are so moved, so touched, you can barely stop yourself from annoying everyone around you by sharing it with them. And, I mean actually quoting from it...to everyone. I felt this way when I read "The Diary of Anne Frank, "The Hiding Place," "Redeeming Love," "Dinner With a Perfect Stranger, " "The Notebook," and "The Shack" and when I watched "Crash." Not the easiest to read or watch....some would say gut wrenching, but so worth it. Some would say...life changing. Or you would hope life changing. Like Beth Moore says about Kind Neb, you want to learn it by reading it, not experiencing it for yourself...and you want it to stick.

"Same Kind of Different As Me" is that kind of book. It will move you. It will touch you. And it will make you want to change the world. Even while knowing that perhaps the change you will make will be small...because it will start with you. I have this philosophy that we are not better...not worse than each other. Just different. And I think we are not all that different. We probably have a lot more in common, if we took the time and the change of heart to look through God's eyes. Yet, we focus on all these things that separate and divide us, when we could be looking at maybe the one thing that can unite us. And perhaps we spend entirely too much focusing on what's wrong and what needs to be changed in others, that we completely miss what needs to change in us. "Sometimes we don't recognize ourselves until we judge another and hear the Holy Spirit resound within our hearts, 'You are that person!' " (Beth Moore, Daniel). Ouch. God called us to love one another...not fix one another. Only He is qualified to do that.

"Same Kind of Different As Me" is a tale of "a modern-day slave, an international art dealer, and the unlikely woman who bound them together...gritty with pain and betrayal and brutality, it also shines with an unexpected, life-changing love...without a doubt, in the heart of God." One of the homeless men in the book tells Ron Hall, the rich art dealer, that we aren't all that different. We are all just a few paychecks, an unfortunate circumstance, and our spouse leaving us away from being on the streets. Denver Moore, the modern-day slave, sees the irony in how rich people call raw fish "sushi" and the poor man calls it "bait." Though but for the grace of God, go I.

"I guess we were pretty good at the whole Christian thing - or maybe we were bad at it - because we managed to alienate many of our old college friends. With our new spiritual eyes, we could see they didn't have fish stickers [on their cars] either, and we set about saving them from eternal damnation with all the subtlety of rookie linebakers. Looking back now, I mourn the mutual wounds inflicted in verbal battles with the 'unsaved.' In fact, I have chosen to delete that particular term from my vocabulary as I have learned that even with my $500 European-designer bifocals, I cannot see into a person's heart to know his spiritual condition. All I can do is tell the jagged tale of my own spiritual journey and declare that my life has been the better for having followed Christ." (Ron Hall, "Same Kind of Different As Me," emphasis mine.).

Let us be changed. Forever changed. From the inside out. Let our hearts break for what breaks His heart. Let us begin changing the world by first changing the only one we can...ourselves. Just imagine...

"Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one"

Oh, how love covers a multitude of things. Sometimes, all you need is love. God's love.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

have a little faith in me...

I am doing Beth Moore's Daniel bible study for the 2nd time. I did it over 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Becca. I love doing my homework and comparing my current answers with my answers from 2 years ago. Fortunately, I do detect a deeper sense of understanding, a different and fresh perspective and maturity that the past 2 years have brought. Unfortunately, I still see that some of my issues and struggles of insecurity and low-self esteem are the same. I may have made progress, but I still have so far to go. I'm not who I am meant to be yet, but at least I am not who I was. That's the whole point, right? Even Beth (yes, I feel as though we are on a first name basis...after all, she does refer to me as "beloved") says that we will never reach perfection in this lifetime. Of course she says it...scripture says it. It is only when we are called home to our Father...when we run into his arms and see Him face to face will our faith be perfected.

Doing this study is like reading a fabulous book to me. I just want to tell everyone about it. I think my husband and my small group are so annoyed with me because I want to share what I have gleamed and learned...a lot. It's timely and it's God speaking directly into my heart. And it's exciting. I want a firm and resolved faith like Daniel...and I wouldn't mind a heart like David's and a love and devotion like John's to go along with it.

We are so blessed with Jonathan's job. He got it in God's perfect timing. We learned a lot during that time of waiting. And, he is happy. It's longer hours and half of his previous pay, but he is a man that comes home happy. And that's worth a lot. And I truly believe that God is using this new salary to challenge us to see where our hearts and priorities are. What's truly important? What lasts? Did you know that if you can afford to buy a book and have the education to read a book, you are richer than the majority of the people in the world?

I have also been feeling Him speaking this to me about our schedules and how we spend our time. What are we doing that will be eternal? My relationship with God. Praying for my husband and my children is eternal. My friendships. Ministering to the hurts and emotional wounds of others. Listening to others people's stories. Sharing mine. Giving God all of the glory. I am so excited (when I am not stressed sorting through coupons at the grocery store or wondering where the time went) to see what God will do with our obedience and trust to His will and provisions.

It takes resolve to make it in this "Babylonian" culture. Without resolve, we will lose our identity and integrity in our over-indulgent, self-absorbed and permissible culture, Beth teaches. "Whether or not we are conscious of it, you and I are daily being indoctrinated and 'trained' by our culture...God wants us to recognize the critical priority of deliberate training in godliness." It's also a choice. In a culture where we are given 7-10 different choices just when we order our coffee, it's a choice whose voice we listen to. Is it the magazine rack? Hollywood? Neighbors? Friends? Or the only One whose voice matters? If our relationship is right with the Lord and we are listening to only his voice...no one else's matters. And, just like the three thrown into the fiery furnace, we don't have to defend our choice to anyone. We only have to answer to God. Whew...I know that's not a new concept to anyone, but for someone that worries about what other people think entirely to much, it was such a relief.

Beth talks about how our unresolved sin and untreated weaknesses leave a foothold for the enemy. We can either deal with our "stuff" with God or our "stuff" will deal with us...and the enemy will use it against us...any chance he can get. I am trying to deal with my stuff...for my walk, for God's hand print to be all over me, for my marriage, for my children and for my friendships. Hurt people, hurt people. Because, when we haven't dealt, we are just the walking wounded leaving a trail of hurt in our wake. And, like Celebrate Recovery says, "God never wastes a hurt" (when we deal with it, that is). Beth talks about how grateful she is for her two humble daughters "who will risk people knowing they're imperfect in order to minister." I love that. LOVE it! But, why is it a risk? None of us are perfect, so why is it taking such a gamble to take off the mask and be our vulnerable, imperfect, authentic selves? "What do we do with the grace we've received? We start by ripping off the labels we've placed on others who are different than us. Not just having, but showing mercy."

Who and what would I be without Jesus? I would be a mess. I remember reading "Get Out of the Pit" by Beth. Her husband had been ministering to someone on the phone. When he was done, with a heavy heart, he asked her, "Who would I have been if things had been different? If I had made different choices?" She paused and says the Holy Spirit must have spoken through her because she could never have thought to say it on her own and responded, "You are a much neater person healed than you would have been well."

This is why I would like a little Beth Moore to put in my pocket and carry her around all day.

Friday, September 4, 2009

my gift is my song...and this one's for you...how wonderful life is with you in the world...

I am reading this book, "Let Go" by Sheila Walsh, a Woman of Faith speaker, and it is wonderful. It's all about letting go and living in God's Grace. His amazing Grace. Breaking free of the shackles and living the life of freedom that God truly meant for us to live when He gave us the gift of Grace through the death and resurrection of Christ. This is my heart. This is my ministry. I'm not perfect at it...in fact most of the time I struggle with feeling like a failure. But, then I have Grace. We all do. The enemy wants to hold us back and lies to us about our progress and our value. God made us. That's our value. It is indisputable. So, why do we let it be disputed? By the enemy or anyone else? If God loves, values and accepts me...that should be enough. If God offers us Grace...shouldn't that be the least of what we offer each other? I want to. I want to love and live like Christ. I want to live it out. I want my life to reflect my faith so much that people see it just by looking and seeing God's light shining through the cracks of my brokenness. And when I'm not perfect at it or plain just messing it up...I still long for and need Grace.

I hope reading this excerpt from "Let Go" changes your heart. When I read this I thought, if I could put into words my heart...this would be it. And Ms. Walsh does it better than I ever could. It's long, but it is so worth it...

"She was sure her bag was heavier today than it was yesterday. Or perhaps, she reasoned, she was just worn it from everything going on in her life. She hadn't slept well the previous night and had awakened with such a headache. She poured coffee into a thermos and head out the door, catching a glimpse of her pale face in the glass. As she stepped outside, the insistent ringing of the phone dragged her back inside her apartment.
'We missed you last night,' a voice said with a definite edge.
'Yes, I'm sorry. I got home late and was so tired, and I hadn't taken the dog for a walk in two days. And I'm not...'
'Oh, we understood,' the voice cut in. 'It's just so easy to get into bad habits. Remember, the believer who tries to stand alone is easy prey for the enemy.'
'Yes, I know, but...'
'You missed the prayer meeting last week as well. It's not enough to pop in on Sunday mornings, you know,' the voice insisted, 'If you want to be a part of the body of Christ, you have to show up and do your part.'
'I'm actually finding it kind of hard to do my part right now.'
'And quite honestly, we feel that. Well, let's see if you can get a couple of early nights in so that you can be back to your best by Sunday.'
'I'll try, it's just that...'
'Good-bye now!'
'It's just that...I have chemotherapy on Wednesday nights now...'
But the voice was gone."

"We all long to be heard. We want to be seen as we really are, not as we at times appear to be. Like the woman in the story, we wish that life would slow down enough for us to be able to talk about what we're dealing with. I'm sure the person on the phone was well-intentioned, but good intentions can often leave us cold and alone.
Have you ever wished your friends, those in your small group, or even your spouse could hear behind what you're saying to what's really going on in your heart? Have you thought, 'Can't they see it in my eyes? Don't they know I'm sinking fast?'
Unfortunately, we live in a very fast-paced world, and all too often we find ourselves at the end of another without having connected to anyone in a meaningful way. Why is that? Is it because others don't want to listen or see our need? Or is it because we are unwilling to reveal that need? Or both?
Most often, I imagine, we don't tell others about our needs because we don't want to be thought less of. Have you ever felt misunderstood or judged by a Christian friend? If so, you know it's one of the most painful hurts the human soul can sustain. Perhaps you once you took a risk and told a friend of your struggles -- and instead of finding comfort, you experienced condemnation. Perhaps it happened at a time when your were already feeling vulnerable, and your friend's response made the pain all the more intense. Instead of feeling more known, you felt more alone. So you learned to just hold it in.
Human hearts are not rule-shaped, and when others try to squeeze us into their version of acceptability, it always causes wounds. We all long to be known, but because we fear others' reactions we have learned to guard ourselves [or, if you're like me, you don't learn that and just continue to share and get hurt!]. It is not always safe to be known. But, what if we're the ones causing the pain? What if we're not the judged but the judges?"

"I met her at a women's conference. I had been asked as a speaker to open and close a day filled with seminars and workshops. We bumped into each other in the corridor outside the main hall as we both tried to find our way to a particular room. As we walked together, we talked and discovered we had the most precious thing in common: we are both mothers of a boy. She's further down the road with her son, who is now out of high school. Christian will have turned twelve, God willing, by the time you read this book.
'I wish I had known what I know now when I was son was twelve,' she said.
'What would you have done differently?' I asked, hoping to pick up a few tips.
'I would have opened my eyes to the truth,' she said. 'I would have shaken myself out of denial.'
This was more than I'd seen coming, so I stopped walking and listened as she told me some of her son's story. It was a sad tale of drug and alcohol addiction. She adopted him when he was just a baby and had no idea he had a strong genetic predisposition to addiction. He gave his life to Christ as a young boy and had prayed over and over to be delivered, but the battles is fierce. He has been in and out of treatment programs wrestling with the demons that torment him.
I asked her what her greatest challenge or heartache has been, and her answer surprised me: she said it was watching how others in their church treated her son.
'If he had a brain tumor or cancer, they would be over with casseroles and flowers. But there are no flowers for my boy. People don't understand he is sick. They just think he is weak or a bum,' she said with tears in her eyes.
All she longed for was companionship and understanding on this terrible path she had to walk. Yet, at the time when she needed us - the church - the most, she felt our comfort the least.
I have to admit I had never thought of drug addiction or alcoholism that way. It's easy to put these struggles into the category of weakness or sin, but the reality is those whose brains are wired toward addiction go through tremendous pain if they try to break free. Everything within their bodies and brains craves the next hit the way a man lost in the desert craves water. And as if that isn't enough, those who battle addiction often feel the pain and isolation of our judgment.
As I thought over our conversation, I began to wonder how much alienation goes on in Christian circles - how many times Christians try to shove others into their version of perfection. I was uncomfortably aware that the answer was probably 'a lot.' It doesn't have to be the extremes of this type of abuse. It can be as simple of ridiculing different forms of worship. It can relate to what kind of school you send your children to or what rating of movie or video game you allow them to play."

"Jesus told his friends to go out into the world and share the gospel, not their opinions. It's what we do to one another with our words, our tone, and our body language that can make others feel isolated and judged. Have you felt that? Or have you, like me, been the one to dish it out? Did you feel justified in doing so?"

"I want us to look at what legalism does to our freedom in Christ and to our relationships to one another. As we saw in his letter to the church in Rome, Paul expressed the common cry of every believer who tried to live up to the standards of the law and fails miserably: 'What I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do...O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?' (Romans 7:15; 24) The interesting double standard, though, is that we still try to make others live up to what we cannot. That is legalism, and it is deadly. It is so easy to take the word of the law and miss the heart."

"When you break down the Ten Commandments, all God was asking us to do was to love Him and to love one another...A common thread throughout human history is our inability to live up to God's standards. But another thread can be traced: our desire to squeeze people into a mold of our making - to embrace a dead religion rather than a living truth. Both realities would leave us miserable...if it weren't for Christ. Moses gave us the Law from God, but Christ himself brought and embodied grace and truth to deliver us from ourselves and from the judgment of one another: 'For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ' (John 1:17).
The ground at the foot of the cross if even. There are no podiums for those who feel most worthy. There are no pits for those who feel that they don't belong. The only way to break free from this dead, stale religion is with the glorious gift of fresh-baked grace every morning for the rest of our lives!"

Thursday, August 6, 2009

if you want to kiss the sky...you better learn how to kneel

Lately, I have been feeling so unworthy of entering into the Lord's presence and promise of peace. My focus has been so distracted this summer and my spirit desperately in need of renewing and reviving. I seem to be waiting for the time to stop, reflect and renew; constantly battling the internal struggle of negative thoughts and the pace and expectations of this world. But, after Shiloh on Monday night, I was reminded that we are not always just given the time...we have to seek it. It's there, but in this hectic world, so easily missed. And in the process, missing so many precious moments of the present...of being present. So much joy, love, peace, grace and unlimited love is offered by our Savior...but, have I tapped into it? I have been running on dry and empty and wondering why. And how can I be a spring overflowing to others when I am not filled up myself? I can wallow in guilt and shame for not being good enough for God and letting the enemy build upon the failures in my mind or I can cry out to God. Last night, I found myself pouring over the Psalms and feeling, at last, myself being able to claim a little bit of the promise of peace and hope of my Savior against the despair and destruction of the enemy.

I want my attitude to be positive and my perspective to change. I want my heart and my life to reflect what God has done in it. And not just so I am changed and blessed, but for the transformations and blessings of my family and the generations to come after I am gone. For others, who I encounter in my journey through this life, to see a little bit of Christ in me and come to know Him. I am no where near where I need or want to be. But, I am not where I was. And I will probably need to start over again tomorrow. But, at least for today I am moving forward.

This daily devotional was in my inbox this morning. I love how God is so timely and speaks to each of our hearts and our circumstances individually. Beth Moore says that life is hard...no matter your circumstances. Whether it's an illness, a loss, marital problems or raising children...life is hard...and it's not always fair. We were never promised an easy life...but, we are promised a peaceful life when we tap into the only true source of Peace.


"Several months back, my daughter Ashley had a gymnastics meet that didn't go so well. She fell on almost every event. She scored well below her expectations and I thought there would be lots of tears at the awards ceremony. But, much to my surprise, she bounced up to me and exclaimed, "Mom, did you see I landed my vault on my feet. That's a good thing about today."

She then flitted off with her teammates to get ice cream. One of the other moms grabbed my arm and complimented Ashley's good attitude. Though I did feel sad for Ashley - after all she had worked so hard to prepare for this meet, my heart still swelled with joy. That compliment meant more than seeing my daughter with a neck full of gold medals. Do I want Ashley to win? Yes, of course. But seeing a good attitude displayed in the face of adversity - well that's simply priceless.

Ashley's outlook challenged me. How many times do I have something bad happen in my day and it just seems to turn my whole attitude south? Instead of just resigning myself to being emotional or sensitive, I've decided to see this as a call to action. I've started making the choice to say a simple statement that often diverts a bad attitude. And the statement is this, "If this is the worst thing that happens to me today, it's still a pretty good day."

Boy does this statement put things into perspective. I guess it's an everyday way to do a little heart check up. The Bible tells us that we should intentionally make our minds think of things that are good, true, excellent, and praiseworthy. The more I think about things like these, the more my perspective seems to stay in check. In Colossians 3:15 we are instructed to, "Let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts... and be thankful." Verse 16 goes on to say that we should also, "Let the word of God dwell in us richly..." Finally, verse 17 says, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus..."

Letting the peace of Christ rule in our hearts and letting the Word of God dwell in us richly doesn't just happen naturally. We have to intentionally make those choices. And we have to challenge ourselves to deal with the bad while focusing on all the good that is there as well.

So, what aggravation or disappointment are you facing today? If that's the worst thing that happens - I bet you could say it's still a pretty good day too."

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

paved with good intentions...

Have you ever felt like you are going backwards?? I find myself at my parents feeling more overwhelmed with what's coming up than relaxed on a semi-vacation. I got so much done while the kids stayed with them for a week. I purged and organized, decluttered and got ready for a new school year of paperwork and activities to come. I am shamelessly and ridiculously proud of my laundry room where all things school and cleaning are kept (I so wish I could call it a mud room....does anyone actually have a mud room? I keep seeing them in magazines and hope to meet someone that actually has one). I went through all of the clothes and closets, 2 bins and 6 bags of trash. And I now realize and accept that it is impossible to do that kind of cleaning and normal day to day cleaning. I went to the gym in the morning and I worked on organizing from 12-7 every day...and did nothing else. No wonder only one type of cleaning gets done at a time. I was able to save one day for total top to bottom house cleaning and one day for me.

I spent delicious time with my husband. We had evenings to ourselves and a terrific date. I think we ran the dishwasher once and the only reason I had more than one load of laundry to do was to do the sheets. Wow....but, as much as I accomplished and loved time with my sweet hubby...I desperately missed my kids. You know the quote, "Being a mother is like having your heart walk outside of your body for the rest of your life." How to strike the balance.....no seriously, how??

I read a book, "Breathe: Creating Space for God in a Hectic Life" that my sister in law gave my last summer as I panicked and obsessed before Izzy started kinder. I found myself drawn to this book again as I picked reading material for my parents lake house. As I started reading it, I thought, "Wow...this is so me...I really need to apply this...why didn't I remember this from last time?" Now, do you know what I mean about going backwards? This book talks about the Hurried Woman's Syndrome (seriously) and how hurry and stress effects our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. It stresses how imperative it is to live from the Center and how to keep God as the Center in order to slow down, simplify and live intentionally for Simplistic Sabbath. How we need to say "NO" as much as we say "YES". All things that we know and that we actually desire...so why is it so hard? And why do some women seen to be able to strike and achieve that balance better than others? Why do I seem to worry and obsess more than others? All things that I am sure Sam and I will discuss in depth more...

So, while I try to focus my thoughts more on gratitude and thankfulness...try to live in the spirit of joy, patience, kindness, love and self-control...try to slow down, simplify and have intentional Sabbath, I have several appointments for the kids and me, dance classes for Izzy and Becca, piano for Nicky and Izzy, soccer for Nicky, Back to School Night, Women's Ministry and Celebrate Recovery....oh and 5 pounds to lose that don't seem to be wanting to go anywhere...no matter how many times I wake up at 5 am to go workout...waiting for me when I return. Paved with good intentions...isn't that what they say? To be in the world, but not of it. To have a full life, but not get lost in the hurry of it. Paradoxes and contradictions. As Sam would say, life is all about holding these two things...contradictions and paradoxes in your hands at the same time....Balance.

If anyone has any insight, please feel free to share. I think we all need to know we are not alone in figuring out this thing called life. To not feel judged, but to know we are doing the best we can. To not be faced with criticism...goodness knows I provide enough for myself that I don't need it from anyone else. But, to be faced with compassion and understanding and maybe even relating. And perhaps when we make strides and grow in understanding and achievement of these things, we should remember from whence we came to get there. I am so lucky to have my amazing husband and family and women that in my life that I admire and that I can learn from. God has been so good to me. We are renewed and refined to bring glory to Him and to share it with others...to give Hope.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

keeping the faith...

Jonathan's job is going well. He is happy and without a laptop and blackberry from the company, he is not expected to work from home. I didn't realize how much time he spent working at home before. He's coming home later, which makes for a long day for mama, but when he's home he is 100% home. It's such a blessing! He is making less than half of what he was making before. It's going to be a huge adjustment for us. It's worth the sacrifice and I know that God will use this time as a valuable lesson for us to refocus on what's truly important and truly be grateful for what we have been given. We are still luckier than most...all of us are.

I am going on my 6th week straight of working out hard. WHEW! I just want props for keeping up with it...because I am tired! I am getting my lab work done next week to check my iron and thyroid levels again to make sure they are still in the normal range. I'm back to feeling fatigued and sluggish, which has been a struggle this summer with 3 kids (sick on and off), this ridiculous heatwave and just trying to keep up. That's how I feel....just trying to keep up...and it's exhausting. But, enough of my pity party, right? But, I will say, old school Bon Jovi is great to run to! When we come back from Dallas, I am planning on doing the Body for Life plan. Jonathan did it years ago and it was fabulous...perhaps after a 6 year break he might be willing to try again! :) Hmmm....we will see...

The kids and I will be leaving for Dallas tomorrow. We will be going to American Girl for Becca's birthday lunch and spending time with Nana and Papa both in Dallas and at the lake house. I am hoping for a break and some relaxation. My kids, without much of a structured schedule, have been up late this summer and Becca has all of a sudden decided not to sleep. I can't believe I am actually looking forward to school so that we can get back into a routine and schedule!

Izzy is loving dance team again and she and Nicky are going to start piano lessons when we get back from Dallas. Nicky is signed up for Fall soccer again and is so excited for Jonathan to coach his team again. Becca loves her dance class and dances to every song or commercial she hears...especially my cell phone Black Eyed Peas ring tone. It was very entertaining at the dentist office.

It's hard to believe that when we come back from Dallas, we will only have 3 weeks left until school...another year.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

It's been a while...

Ok....first of all, I would like major props for my new blog. For those that know me, know that I am not a crafty person. I leave the scrapbooking, card making and cake decorating to those friends of mine that do it well...and Martha Stewart. And that fact that I have updated my blog at all is an achievement in itself!

Well, it has been quite a summer...Izzy finished kindergarten...and I survived. Nicholas turned five last week. Becca is as crazy as ever...and has finally started talking a little. Even if she is the only one who can truly understand what she is saying. She will be 2 at the end of this month. That and her starting her dance class has made her seem less like a baby and more like a big girl. Jonathan started a new job...right after his 3 month contract with Grande ended. And it seems to be the perfect job for him that kept us here in this place that has become home. In God's perfect timing and his many blessings that we never seem to deserve. It has also been a summer of ear infections and viruses and we are finally healthy -- all at once!

I witnessed a dear friend say good-bye to her mother after a long battle with cancer. I missed out on being there with an old friend who said to good-bye to her mother after a long battle with cancer. I am witnessing a dear friend dealing with her father's recent cancer diagnosis. And I am witnessing a dear friend fighting cancer. All three of them with grace, honesty, strength and much, much faith. They have been such an inspiration and a reminder of God's power and love. And I ask...with real life and real problems is it really necessary that we are seriously on a week of Michael Jackson news coverage?

I have started a new work out program with a friend that does private Pilate's sessions. It has been amazing. I finally realized with 3 kids, a husband that doesn't get home until 7pm and a home and life to take care of, the only way I would get it fit in would be to get up at 5:15 every morning to work out. I am proud to say that I am on my 4th week. I am past the exhaustion part and now looking forward to seeing results! Or, rather, I am trying to keep a positive attitude that I will see results after all this hard work!

I am also looking forward to some down time this summer...visiting my parents, leaving the kids with them to be spoiled for a few days while my hubby and I get spoiled by having alone time together for the first time in a long time. I am looking forward to my "retreat" before school starts again...heading to the lake house alone for a short weekend to spend time with God...to refocus, refresh and renew.

Izzy will be baptized right before school starts (I can't believe she will be starting 1st grade and turning 7)...she asked Jesus into her heart this summer after VBS. God is so good and I pray that she continues to follow Him all the days of her life. We have decided we will not be having any more birthdays in the Baker home. I don't mean parties...I mean birthdays. Izzy cannot ever turn 8, Nicky 6 or Becca 3...that's just too old and it would mean they are growing up. I just realized that in 11 short years or so Izzy will be leaving home. Ouch. Time is just moving too fast! At least Nicky will have one more year before heading off to kindergarten. And Becca, well, she loves her dance class, make up and shoes...I think we are in trouble! :)

I feel like I have fallen behind on keeping in touch...facebook, blogging, emails...they can consume so much time. I have taken a huge step back from keeping up with those in the last few months. But, I realized I have missed the family updates of my far away friends. I hope you all are well and feeling blessed!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

summer daze...

OK...so my oldest is about to graduate from kindergarten. (sigh...pause...as I wipe my eyes). She is very sad and every time it comes up, she tells me, "Mommy, don't remind me." They had to clean out their kinder room today and she said that she cried. It probably doesn't help that her precious teacher is having a hard time holding back her own tears. While I truly believe she is sad and will greatly miss her wonderful blessing of a teacher, I am a little more concerned for me. When I dropped her off at school this morning I ended up getting caught in the hallway by the National Anthem. As I watched them sing and then Pledge of Allegiance at their little tables, my eyes filled up. We have their kindergarten graduation tomorrow morning and then their last day of school on Friday. When did time start going by so fast? She will be officially a first grader. A FIRST grader. She can read. When did that happen?? Nicholas, my sweet baby boy, will be turning five in June. FIVE. Becca, the baby, will be two. Two going on Twelve.

Nicky could officially start kinder this Fall, but we are waiting a year. He has had his second season of soccer and has turned out to be really great at it, if I must say. Becca is doing her first swim lessons this summer. She seems so little. Then I remember that Nicky was exactly this age when he did his first lessons with Ms. PJ. Seriously? She starts dance in 2 weeks. Yes. Little Becca in pink tights and ballet shoes. She is so excited!

Izzy tried out for dance team again and made level two with all of her friends from level 1. She was very nervous about making a level and what level she would be on. Now she is so excited to start on level 2 classes this summer. She seems to be starting on the journey of balancing being excited about moving forward while sad about leaving things and people behind. I don't think she realizes that yet, but it is a balance we try to strike for the rest of our adult lives. This amazing book I just read said, "A stinging pang of longing shot through me and I found myself of the verge of tears. I wondered if that's what I was up to, if I were doing what so many others have done, upstarts who head off to adventure in the big city only to choose the life their parents had chosen, moving onward and backward at the same time."

Isn't that what life's journey is? Moving onward and backward at the same time? Striving and progress, but never perfection in this lifetime. Isn't the art of understanding and maturing being able to balance two contradictions, two paradoxes, at the same time? That's what someone really smart and grounded told me once. It was after being reminded of this statement that I had a semi-epiphany. I look back into my past and see someone who was so naive, innocent and idealistic. I realized I have been sad and disappointed about losing those characteristics through my years of growing up, being hurt and overcoming. But, perhaps I haven't lost something. Perhaps, I have gained. I have gained experience, maturity, growth and maybe even a little wisdom. Perhaps it's a little of both. In order to gain something, we have to be willing to let go of something else. In order to "put on a new person in Christ" we have to be willing to let go of the old. Maybe we have to be willing not only for God to forgive us, but for us to forgive ourselves. I am not the person I was in high school. But, I am also not the person I was in college. I am not even the person I was yesterday. And by the grace of God I am constantly changing. I just pray that it's for the better...but every once in a while, I go backwards. Thank God for the grace to begin again...

This quote was on my friend's Praying for Kristi Blog...God is doing so many amazing miracles....big and small...I pray that we do not miss out on experiencing or witnessing even one of them...

"Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Grab life by the mane. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away. Chase the lion."
- Mark Batterson

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

dazed and confused...

There is so much going on right now, that I can't even wrap my head around it or make any sense of it. Life has gotten hectic. Just normal daily things to keep up with now that we are nearing the end of the school year. Then the not-so-normal things like still waiting on the Lord for what's next for Jonathan as far as work and what that means for us as a family. Then the uncertain things like finances, the economy, the nation, and the world. Then the "why" things like a 33-year-old friend and mom of 4 diagnosed with lymphoma cancer and another friend's mom home for hospice care.

I mentioned this to Jonathan the other day...how things seem so uncertain all of a sudden all at the same time. And he reasoned, quite pragmatically I might mention, that things are no different than they were this morning or yesterday or last year. Nothing is ever for certain and we have no guarantees. We have a sovereign God of grace who is mighty to save and overcomes the world. But, our world is a fallen one. Things just seem to be happening all at once around here, but yesterday, last week, last year...it was happening to someone else...we were just wrapped in our own false sense of security. Well.

Then I thought, "That's such a man response." Then I thought, "I just wish I could see things through God's eyes and heart." And then I kept asking, "But, Why?"

I am praying for complete healing for my friend and peace and comfort beyond understanding for my other dear friend. I pray for God's provision and guidance for wisdom and discernment for all of us trying to navigate this life in this world at this time. I pray for unlimited faith and trust...and joy during these uncertain times. I pray that the word of our testimonies will be strengthened and hope for others will grow as a result.

Today is just the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. One day at a time. Let go and let God. God is good...all the time. He is faithful. I don't know what He's up to...but, He does. Let's let God do what He does best.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

baby, it's cold outside...

Well, Jonathan has a 2nd interview on Thursday morning here in Austin. It seems like the perfect next step for him and he is very excited and has been working so hard to prepare for this 2nd interview. I am so ridiculously proud of him.

After with praying with friends, church family and our pastor, I finally realized that it's okay to ask God for what we want. Chances are, He knows already! So, while I have had to intentionally and diligently prepare and open my heart to whatever the Lord has next for us and trust Him in the meantime, I am now fervently praying that He will keep us here. Home.

One of the precious things I have taken from this journey is that this is home. Being an Air Force Brat, I have never felt "from" somewhere. I never felt like I had a "home" or "roots." But, I have realized I am home. If I moved, I would tell people I was from here...little Kyle, Texas! My children are from Texas. And it's Okay to ask the Lord for our hearts desires. And be open to the answer He has prepared for us.

There have also been other phone interviews and interest in places such as Colorado, California, New York and Minnesota. Seriously. This is how I see that going:

On Friday it was a steady stream of rain and sporadic thunder rolls in the background. The temperature was low 70s, maybe high 60s. Isabelle comes home from school and wants hot chocolate. After Izzy and Nicky are cradling their steaming cups of hot chocolate, Nicky asks me if we have any firewood because, "it's so freezing outside!" I told Jonathan, "I don't think God is calling us to Minnesota."

Friday, April 17, 2009

intentionally content....

As I work to refocus my thoughts that have a tendency to be negative toward myself, I am intentionally looking for things to be thankful for and to see the blessings from my faithful God in even the smallest things. So instead of constantly beating myself down for the 5 pounds I want to lose (okay, 10 pounds if I really had my way) or my constant frustration with how the floor gets dirty 5 minutes after I vacuum, I choose to thank Him for a functioning body that produced 3 beautiful children and praise Him for having a floor under a roof to clean and a healthy family to make it dirty.

Every woman I know abhors laundry...no sooner are you done that there is more to do. And dare you skip one day and all of a sudden you are 2 days behind! But, now as I fold clothes, I thank Him for providing clothing for us. And that I have a washing machine and dryer that does most of the work for me.

We watched a Nooma video (you should check it out at nooma.com) last night about how we, as Americans, are rich. "God Bless America." Well, He already has. Now, how can America bless Him and bless others? We have homes, cars, shoes for our feet, food (a lot) to eat, and even clean drinking water. The States makes up 6% of the world's population, yet we consume 40% of its resources. And, I am not talking about living green or reuse and recycle. I am talking about being intentional, being thankful to Him who provides everything we need and often more, and giving back...passing it on.

Rob Bell talked about when he and his wife were first married and if they stayed on their very tight and little budget they could go out to eat once a month. That one night in a restaurant was so special that they cherished each delicious bite. Now, when they go out to eat, it's no big deal. In so many ways, our success just makes us poor. That makes my heart so sad...how much we have taken for granted. Do my kids think that going to McDonalds is a huge treat like I did growing up? He spoke about some friends that went to Europe and met so many wonderful people. People that in our American standards were poor. But, they came home to find that instead of helping and ministering to these people, they received more than they could ever give. They saw that these poor people who had nothing had the one thing we don't...Contentment.

We have to be intentional about being content. In our culture, it is so easy to focus on what else we need...more...bigger...better. No sooner do I paint one room that I am thinking about what else to do in my home. In the last few months God has really challenged me and my family to see and to look for (yes, be intentional to look for it because sadly, we could miss it...and miss His blessing that comes along with it) what is truly important in our life. And it has been an amazing journey in trusting Him.

Yes, we are rich. We are all rich. But, I think I would rather be content.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Thank you, Lord....

Well, we are back from our trips and yes, I took pictures, and yes, they are still on my camera. In fact, I can't even find my camera, so there will be no pictures for you to view...once again...to this, I am sure you are acclimated and come to expect.

We had a Easter Egg Hunt with our LIFE group on Sunday. Isabelle was going through her eggs (in her room by herself, lest some greedy hand tried to take any of her eggs), when she comes running downstairs yelling, "Mommy, Mommy!" As I hear this thousands of times a day, I warily stop doing laundry to see what the commotion is. She says with wonder, "I have an egg that is empty! It was empty the whole time. That means Jesus is risen!" If you have never seen the Resurrection eggs craft, you need to. It is a really neat craft that we did last year with the kids in our LIFE group. She remembered that the last egg was empty to represent that Jesus indeed is risen! Thank you, Lord! This weary mom heart was blessed and taught by the wonder and excitement for You in 6 year old.

Nicky made TWO goals in his first soccer game of the season. Of course I did not have a camera with me and even if I did, you would still not have pictures to look at...but, I wish I had! He did great! I am one proud mama!! Jonathan is coaching is team and again I am amazed with how well he does with the kids and how patient and fair he is. I guess I shouldn't be amazed...that's just who he is. But, I guess seeing it as a bystander with others is a refreshing look...and one I am thankful for.

Becca is talking more...if we could just get her to give up her paci more often -- she is an addict! She constantly keeps me on my toes and keeps me laughing. Thank you, Lord!

Jonathan has had several interviews and more to come this week. We don't know what the Lord has in store, but we are trying to prepare ourselves for anything. It has been only a month and already it's a process and lesson in faith, trust, peace and patience. But, He has been speaking to me and to my heart. I so do not want to miss out on His blessing and purpose for this for me, for Jonathan and for our family. I would rather and so desire to be in His will than to be comfortable where I am...no matter what. It has made me realize how far I have to go, but He is showing me how far I have come. He is faithful. And He loves us. He loves me. He is reminding me constantly of what He has done for us. Why do I even worry? What He could want for us is so much better than what I can come up with. Thank you, Lord!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

spring has sprung...

Spring Break...When I think of Spring, I think of renewal and growth. When I think of Break, I think of breathing, pausing, resting and refreshing. I so need a Spring Break right now! Who doesn't, right? I am choosing to look at this time in our lives as an opportunity from God for renewal and to focus on breathing and pausing.

Izzy just had her first dance competition on Saturday. Her little team did so great - they placed in the top 10 - and she had so much fun. I am so proud of their effort and sweet smiles and spirits. However, it was a long day for her and after a couple of weeks of the flu and pink eye, she could use some rest and pause and renewing of her sweet, if not dramatic, spirit.

Nicky is,well, Nicky. Sweet. He will be looking forward to looking for deer on Spring Break and starting soccer when we return.

Becca has been sick. Croup, ear infection and pink eye. We officially need to go to the ENT for both her ears and throat. I pray for healing for her little body.

Jon has been working as a contractor with his former employer. He has a 3-month contract and has been so committed to looking for a job. I love having him work from home. And while we have moments of fear, we look forward to what God is doing in our lives. What an opportunity to trust Him and serve Him. I pray that we will bring Him glory through this.

I go back and forth between peace and overwhelming anxiety with trying to keep up with everything in this thing called life. But, I am surrounded by a wonderful husband, amazing children, awesome parents, friends that are like family, and a home found in my church. Above all, I have peace in the mighty name of Christ and love and acceptance in the sovereign name of my God.

I thank all the beautiful friends that have reached out to us during these last few drama-filled weeks. We are overwhelmed and grateful for the prayers, kind words and support. How blessed we are! God is so good to us! How humbling it is to face such uncertain times and to know we are so blessed. We will be going to my parents lake house and then a Baker family reunion in Fort Meyers, Florida (the kids' first time at the beach) for Spring Break. I will post pictures from Izzy's dance competition and our Spring Break when we return. I am sure everyone is tired of my ramblings and really just wants to see pictures....of which I am hopelessly forgetful about! I hope and pray you all have some renewal and rest during your Spring Break...and maybe even a little fun!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

chaos in color...

Well, it has been an eventful week....I will keep it brief to spare you all of the boring little details. For starters, I read The Shack. My review: You HAVE to read it. Not only is it a beautiful story of why bad things happen in God's world, but it is beautifully written. It is prose in poetry and a touching, heartwarming story of God's perfect love and grace. It is certainly unconventional, but that's what makes it so special.

Then I went into the doctor's office for a simple outpatient procedure. In the middle of it (with my legs in stirrups no less...seriously) my heart stopped and I went into cardiac arrest. They bagged me, did CPR and after a minute gave me epinephrine in my IV. I woke up to 10 people staring at me in shock. Questions came flying at me..."How do you feel?", "Are you OK?", "Does your chest hurt?", "Your heart stopped.". My response: "What?", "I'm so sorry!", "Where's my husband?", "Where are my pants?"

After an eventful ambulance ride and a few hours in the ER (where, after The Shack, I realized that God sent me an angel in the form of a kind and beautiful black woman), they kept me over night for observation. It was a freaky reaction to the anesthesia and maybe even a combination of the kind of procedure.

My doctor said that the stars were aligned for me that day. I say it was God. The nurse in the room was a former ICU nurse and immediately started CPR. The anesthesiologist knew exactly what to do in an unusual, not often seen, experience in the OBGYN offices.

I have never felt more blessed and loved...and humbled. Not only do I feel like God isn't through with me yet, but through this chaos, He has shown us beautiful friends, neighbors and church that have felt more like family. My friend, Marla, spent the night with me in the hospital so Jonathan could be with the kids. Friends watched the kids all afternoon and evening for us. Dinner offers poured in. And most importantly...concern, love, support and prayers. God is so good!

I'm still sore and still processing it all. I hope I can honor Him through this and show others the same love that was shown to me. If only I could put my gratefulness in words.

That's not all...yesterday, my dear and wonderful husband lost his job. It is a scary time right now, but we are choosing to trust God. He is our provider and all good things come from Him. Not only that, He works all things for good! I know He is working something in and out and through us that is so big, it's bound to be beautiful.

I ask you for your prayers as we follow and obey our AMAZING God.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

grace like rain....

"Grace is the face that love wears, when it meets imperfection." -- Joseph R. Cooke


I am in the midst of two really great books. One is a novel written by a former writer for The David Letterman Show. It is so witty and fun...I laugh out loud at least once in every chapter! I am also reading a book called TrueFaced: trust God and others with who you really are. A friend read an excerpt from this book a while ago and I was intrigued. The above quote comes from this book...a simple, yet profoundly honest book.


To be able to offer others grace, forgiveness and Christ-like love, comes first from us receiving it from God and others. Do I, in meeting imperfection, first offer grace and love? And how can I truly if I haven't received it for myself? And do I offer myself grace in the face of my own imperfections? And do any of us well?? Unfortunately, I have encountered a lot of ungrace in the very place we should experience grace. That saddens me. Fortunately, I have witnessed beautiful examples and aspire to emulate them.

I am trying to focus on the grace God gives and not the grace humans give. Essentially, that's truly the only grace that matters. It's truly the only relationship that matters. If I am right with God, all other relationships will be worked out by Him and through Him. And, essentially, it comes down to focus. Where I choose to focus will be where my thoughts, and subsequently my heart, are.

This is something you think I would have settled long ago along my Christian walk. I became a Christian at 15, but God has done more work in me in the last 3 years than one can possibly imagine. A friend said this exact thing recently and it amazed my how much this summed up my Christian walk. This concept of being willing to receive His gift of grace and perfect love, in order to give grace and love is not lost on me. I get it...intellectually I get it. And I want desperately to receive it...once and for all. Just somewhere from my head to my heart, the message gets fuzzy. I have moments when I get it...heart and soul get it...and receive the very grace from God that I so do not deserve. For this I am forever grateful. But, most of the time, I find that this is my most basic struggle in my faith. From this basic principle and first step of faith stems all of my personal struggles. I have hope that this struggle will get easier on my quest of becoming more like Christ and less like me. And I hope that I am not alone in this struggle of accepting and receiving grace and love. I continue to pray that God will imprint this in my thoughts and engrave this in my heart.

But God is so good and faithful to me. He continues to speak to me and work in me and never gives up on me. He has given me a wonderfully patient and honest husband and encouraging and awesome friends to help me through this journey. They show me grace and love every day. And three amazing children that I want to live by example for.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

ponderings of a tired mind....

I am just wondering....do we ever get to the point where we achieve balance? Or is it always a struggle? Or is it a gray area (where I often like to mingle) and made up of seasons and phases of success mixed with seasons and phases of struggle? Because no sooner do I think that I have a system, a schedule, a routine, my priorities set and prayed over and some semblance of control (do you like how I still hold some sense of denial in thinking that I actually have any control?) that I get off track or distracted or behind. It seems like the littlest thing out of the norm throws me for a loop and I find myself in a state of being overwhelmed and struggling to find (achieve, if you will?)...balance.

I am just wondering....does anyone else allow the tone of their day to be set by the number on their scale? If it's low or within the accepted range...it's a good day. If it's a few pounds higher...it's a terrible day.

I am just wondering...is time going by faster? Is it slipping away? I am 32....My husband is 36. It has been almost 11 years since I graduated from college. It has been almost 15 years since I graduated from high school. Isabelle is about to lose her first tooth, Nicky is almost 5, and Becca is, well, a little crazy.

I am just wondering...does anyone else feel, with time moving at the speed of sound, well, overwhelmed with it all? To plan, but live in and enjoy the moment. To be a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, AND find and fulfill your destiny by following God's will and plan for your life?

I am just wondering....does anyone still struggle with doubt and insecurity? We are in our 30s and are parents ourselves, raising the next generations of warriors and princesses for Christ. Does anyone remember thinking their parents knew everything? Our dads were our heroes and our moms were always there with the perfect answer and cookies and hot chocolate. Does anyone feel like those are pretty big shoes to fill and that, while I can make cookies and hot chocolate, I don't have all the right answers?

I am just wondering...does anyone else feel that we all have our own issues and struggles and we are all doing the best we can? And wouldn't life be easier if we encouraged and accepted everyone as we are and where we are, each acknowleding our own issues? If we did, we all would probably have a lot less issues and reasons for insecurity and self-doubt. Or, at the very least, life, as we know it, would be a little bit easier.

I wonder...why did God make me this way and what does He have planned? How can all of my weaknesses, issues, and ponderings be used for His glory?

Does anyone? Or is it just me?