"Grace is the face that love wears, when it meets imperfection." -- Joseph R. Cooke
I am in the midst of two really great books. One is a novel written by a former writer for The David Letterman Show. It is so witty and fun...I laugh out loud at least once in every chapter! I am also reading a book called TrueFaced: trust God and others with who you really are. A friend read an excerpt from this book a while ago and I was intrigued. The above quote comes from this book...a simple, yet profoundly honest book.
To be able to offer others grace, forgiveness and Christ-like love, comes first from us receiving it from God and others. Do I, in meeting imperfection, first offer grace and love? And how can I truly if I haven't received it for myself? And do I offer myself grace in the face of my own imperfections? And do any of us well?? Unfortunately, I have encountered a lot of ungrace in the very place we should experience grace. That saddens me. Fortunately, I have witnessed beautiful examples and aspire to emulate them.
I am trying to focus on the grace God gives and not the grace humans give. Essentially, that's truly the only grace that matters. It's truly the only relationship that matters. If I am right with God, all other relationships will be worked out by Him and through Him. And, essentially, it comes down to focus. Where I choose to focus will be where my thoughts, and subsequently my heart, are.
This is something you think I would have settled long ago along my Christian walk. I became a Christian at 15, but God has done more work in me in the last 3 years than one can possibly imagine. A friend said this exact thing recently and it amazed my how much this summed up my Christian walk. This concept of being willing to receive His gift of grace and perfect love, in order to give grace and love is not lost on me. I get it...intellectually I get it. And I want desperately to receive it...once and for all. Just somewhere from my head to my heart, the message gets fuzzy. I have moments when I get it...heart and soul get it...and receive the very grace from God that I so do not deserve. For this I am forever grateful. But, most of the time, I find that this is my most basic struggle in my faith. From this basic principle and first step of faith stems all of my personal struggles. I have hope that this struggle will get easier on my quest of becoming more like Christ and less like me. And I hope that I am not alone in this struggle of accepting and receiving grace and love. I continue to pray that God will imprint this in my thoughts and engrave this in my heart.
But God is so good and faithful to me. He continues to speak to me and work in me and never gives up on me. He has given me a wonderfully patient and honest husband and encouraging and awesome friends to help me through this journey. They show me grace and love every day. And three amazing children that I want to live by example for.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Thursday, February 12, 2009
ponderings of a tired mind....
I am just wondering....do we ever get to the point where we achieve balance? Or is it always a struggle? Or is it a gray area (where I often like to mingle) and made up of seasons and phases of success mixed with seasons and phases of struggle? Because no sooner do I think that I have a system, a schedule, a routine, my priorities set and prayed over and some semblance of control (do you like how I still hold some sense of denial in thinking that I actually have any control?) that I get off track or distracted or behind. It seems like the littlest thing out of the norm throws me for a loop and I find myself in a state of being overwhelmed and struggling to find (achieve, if you will?)...balance.
I am just wondering....does anyone else allow the tone of their day to be set by the number on their scale? If it's low or within the accepted range...it's a good day. If it's a few pounds higher...it's a terrible day.
I am just wondering...is time going by faster? Is it slipping away? I am 32....My husband is 36. It has been almost 11 years since I graduated from college. It has been almost 15 years since I graduated from high school. Isabelle is about to lose her first tooth, Nicky is almost 5, and Becca is, well, a little crazy.
I am just wondering...does anyone else feel, with time moving at the speed of sound, well, overwhelmed with it all? To plan, but live in and enjoy the moment. To be a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, AND find and fulfill your destiny by following God's will and plan for your life?
I am just wondering....does anyone still struggle with doubt and insecurity? We are in our 30s and are parents ourselves, raising the next generations of warriors and princesses for Christ. Does anyone remember thinking their parents knew everything? Our dads were our heroes and our moms were always there with the perfect answer and cookies and hot chocolate. Does anyone feel like those are pretty big shoes to fill and that, while I can make cookies and hot chocolate, I don't have all the right answers?
I am just wondering...does anyone else feel that we all have our own issues and struggles and we are all doing the best we can? And wouldn't life be easier if we encouraged and accepted everyone as we are and where we are, each acknowleding our own issues? If we did, we all would probably have a lot less issues and reasons for insecurity and self-doubt. Or, at the very least, life, as we know it, would be a little bit easier.
I wonder...why did God make me this way and what does He have planned? How can all of my weaknesses, issues, and ponderings be used for His glory?
Does anyone? Or is it just me?
I am just wondering....does anyone else allow the tone of their day to be set by the number on their scale? If it's low or within the accepted range...it's a good day. If it's a few pounds higher...it's a terrible day.
I am just wondering...is time going by faster? Is it slipping away? I am 32....My husband is 36. It has been almost 11 years since I graduated from college. It has been almost 15 years since I graduated from high school. Isabelle is about to lose her first tooth, Nicky is almost 5, and Becca is, well, a little crazy.
I am just wondering...does anyone else feel, with time moving at the speed of sound, well, overwhelmed with it all? To plan, but live in and enjoy the moment. To be a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, AND find and fulfill your destiny by following God's will and plan for your life?
I am just wondering....does anyone still struggle with doubt and insecurity? We are in our 30s and are parents ourselves, raising the next generations of warriors and princesses for Christ. Does anyone remember thinking their parents knew everything? Our dads were our heroes and our moms were always there with the perfect answer and cookies and hot chocolate. Does anyone feel like those are pretty big shoes to fill and that, while I can make cookies and hot chocolate, I don't have all the right answers?
I am just wondering...does anyone else feel that we all have our own issues and struggles and we are all doing the best we can? And wouldn't life be easier if we encouraged and accepted everyone as we are and where we are, each acknowleding our own issues? If we did, we all would probably have a lot less issues and reasons for insecurity and self-doubt. Or, at the very least, life, as we know it, would be a little bit easier.
I wonder...why did God make me this way and what does He have planned? How can all of my weaknesses, issues, and ponderings be used for His glory?
Does anyone? Or is it just me?
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
time is made up of moments...
Well, it has been a while since I have blogged....while I have had much to say, I haven't found the time nor the words to say it. If I was any kind of good blogger...or mother...I would have tons of pictures to post. Ah, alas, I am not and I do not. As I sit with my 3rd cup of coffee (yes, my 3rd...as my friend says...I am not addicted...I can stop anytime I want to!), I am stunned by how much time has gone by and how fast it has come and gone. We are already in February...2009!! Isabelle is over half way through her first year in grade school, Nicky will be 5 this summer and Becca is a crazy 18 month old! How and when did this happen?
Izzy has her first loose tooth...it is wriggling big time, but has yet to fall out. I am so not ready for this. You know how it is with teeth...when they get them or lose them it changes their whole appearance. I was not ready for Becca to get her first tooth and lose her final stage of babyhood. Nor am I ready for Izzy to lose her first tooth and move into her first stage of being a full-fledged big girl. The big girl attitude is enough to deal with right now...does she have to look like one too? She is still loving kindergarten and especially her sweet and precious blessing of a teacher, Ms. Little. She is reading more and more every day and surprisingly good with numbers (she must have gotten this from daddy). She loves her dance classes and dance team. This week she is doing a dance clinic with the Hays High School Highsteppers Dance Team. As we walked up to the gym yesterday surrounded by high school students, she stopped in her tracks with nerves and I had to coax her in...I had forgotten how intimidating high school could be. Once in the gym, she was fine and ended up having a blast. I told her I was so proud that she went through something she wanted to do even though it was scary for her. As Spring approaches, she will be busy getting ready for their first dance team competition. Seriously.
Izzy is so much like me it is scary and every day I have to remind myself that she is not me...she is her own person. She will not grow up to have my issues...hopefully just her own! A friend gently reminded me, after I agonized over passing all of my issues onto her and worried about the hurt they would bring her, that God created her...perfectly...just as she is. She will have both strength and weaknesses, but He will use them all for good and for His glory. Just like me. It's hard to see the very things in you that you wish you could change and were different about yourself in your child. But, it has actually helped a little. It is so much easier to love and accept them in your child and I am learning to accept them in myself. Another blessing of motherhood...to learn and grow...and worry. But, I am also learning and growing in my worry as I learn to cast all of my fears and worries to Christ in prayer.
Nicky is playing basketball with the YMCA and Jonathan is his coach. I am so ridiculously proud of both of them. Nicky practices daily and never gives up. He even made a basket in last weekend's game! Jonathan is doing great with the kids and making it so much fun for them. He has a gentle and patient way with them full of humor and encouragement. It reminds me of what a wonderful father he is and how blessed I am to have him to lead our family and be so involved and engaged with our kids. Nicky is so excited for the basketball clinic this Saturday and the soccer season that follows in March. He still loves his pre-school and again I reminded by how blessed I am to have such a wonderful Christian pre-school, teachers and directors to influence my kids before they begin public school. He has grown so much this last year...emotionally (yes, he's still a pretty little guy...although he wants to eat every 20 minutes!!). I cannot believe he will be 5 this summer. He is my sweet baby boy...how can be almost 5? He could start kinder in the Fall, but as of right now, I am planning on waiting another year.
Becca is a 18 month old going on 4. She thinks she is a big girl. She follows her older siblings and thinks she is right there with them...anything they can do, she can do. She has given up her booster seat and is now sitting on her knees at the table. She fights to drink out of a big girl cup. She can scale the playscape in the backyard and fly down the slide (seriously, she is so light that she gets air on the slide!). She has fallen off the kitchen table and onto the tile floor. She can say "all done" and "thank you"...even though her family members are the only ones who can decipher it. She still says "mama" as though she is an Italian baby. And at her 18 month well visit (when she had the croup), Dr. Ana tried to remind me that Becca is not the boss of me. This statement followed the conversation of weaning her off of her paci and fruit snacks. She is spunky, independent and a little bit crazy.
Jonathan is my hero...not only did he catch (and sadly kill) a big ole mouse in our garage (all I can think about is every Disney movie I have seen about mice), but he keeps me grounded and balanced. He is an amazing father and wonderful husband. He is not perfect, but He's mine. And I am blessed. God did such an amazing thing with us. And He still is...
We have painted the guest bedroom and moved Nicky to it. Izzy got a new bed. And Becca is moving upstairs to Nicky's old room. I will be working on painting Becca's new room today. All of the kids will be upstairs and Izzy's daybed is moving downstairs to Becca's old room which will now be the guest room. The upstairs is a disaster right now as we work on this. Between the chaos in our home, our schedule, and the unsteady economy I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed. I am praying for precious moments of peace and clarity. I am doing Beth Moore's Esther bible study..."For such a time as this." I am having a hard time seeing my destiny. What do I have to offer that would change and affect many people? Where in my life is my destiny, my purpose...am I meeting it or missing it? Again, it's so much easier to believe, accept and see it in others...Beth Moore says that our testimony will have no affect if we're not transparent. "Sometimes our most important moments come hand-in-hand with our willingness to reveal that we aren't really who we've seemed to be." It's hard finding the balance of being transparent. This has been the very thing that has brought me pain in the past. Transparency combined with insecurity, seeking acceptance and fear has brought me to where I am today. Not such a bad thing...I have learned and grown from it through God's grace. But, can you be transparent without being hurt? Is it ever okay to be guarded with certain people? And how do you know? How can you be your true self, the woman God created you to be, transparent and vulnerable to be used for God's glory without being wounded? And if this is the calling to Christians, why is there so much judgement and hurt? Why aren't we all transparent...with our successes...and failures? With our growth and our junk?
Time is flying by. My kids are growing too fast. And I feel a sense of struggle and urgency of balance, priority and trying to figure it out. But, I digress...and reverting back to worry. Or is this just a phase? All I know is that I can spend so much time worrying, that I am missing out...of the blessings...and the moments...
"There's only One who knows
What's really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is HE'S OUT THERE WAITING
To Him the future's history
And He has given us a treasure called RIGHT NOW
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let the soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go
YOU GOTTA LET IT GO
Listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss
THE MIRACLE OF THE MOMENT"
--Steve Curtis Chapman
Izzy has her first loose tooth...it is wriggling big time, but has yet to fall out. I am so not ready for this. You know how it is with teeth...when they get them or lose them it changes their whole appearance. I was not ready for Becca to get her first tooth and lose her final stage of babyhood. Nor am I ready for Izzy to lose her first tooth and move into her first stage of being a full-fledged big girl. The big girl attitude is enough to deal with right now...does she have to look like one too? She is still loving kindergarten and especially her sweet and precious blessing of a teacher, Ms. Little. She is reading more and more every day and surprisingly good with numbers (she must have gotten this from daddy). She loves her dance classes and dance team. This week she is doing a dance clinic with the Hays High School Highsteppers Dance Team. As we walked up to the gym yesterday surrounded by high school students, she stopped in her tracks with nerves and I had to coax her in...I had forgotten how intimidating high school could be. Once in the gym, she was fine and ended up having a blast. I told her I was so proud that she went through something she wanted to do even though it was scary for her. As Spring approaches, she will be busy getting ready for their first dance team competition. Seriously.
Izzy is so much like me it is scary and every day I have to remind myself that she is not me...she is her own person. She will not grow up to have my issues...hopefully just her own! A friend gently reminded me, after I agonized over passing all of my issues onto her and worried about the hurt they would bring her, that God created her...perfectly...just as she is. She will have both strength and weaknesses, but He will use them all for good and for His glory. Just like me. It's hard to see the very things in you that you wish you could change and were different about yourself in your child. But, it has actually helped a little. It is so much easier to love and accept them in your child and I am learning to accept them in myself. Another blessing of motherhood...to learn and grow...and worry. But, I am also learning and growing in my worry as I learn to cast all of my fears and worries to Christ in prayer.
Nicky is playing basketball with the YMCA and Jonathan is his coach. I am so ridiculously proud of both of them. Nicky practices daily and never gives up. He even made a basket in last weekend's game! Jonathan is doing great with the kids and making it so much fun for them. He has a gentle and patient way with them full of humor and encouragement. It reminds me of what a wonderful father he is and how blessed I am to have him to lead our family and be so involved and engaged with our kids. Nicky is so excited for the basketball clinic this Saturday and the soccer season that follows in March. He still loves his pre-school and again I reminded by how blessed I am to have such a wonderful Christian pre-school, teachers and directors to influence my kids before they begin public school. He has grown so much this last year...emotionally (yes, he's still a pretty little guy...although he wants to eat every 20 minutes!!). I cannot believe he will be 5 this summer. He is my sweet baby boy...how can be almost 5? He could start kinder in the Fall, but as of right now, I am planning on waiting another year.
Becca is a 18 month old going on 4. She thinks she is a big girl. She follows her older siblings and thinks she is right there with them...anything they can do, she can do. She has given up her booster seat and is now sitting on her knees at the table. She fights to drink out of a big girl cup. She can scale the playscape in the backyard and fly down the slide (seriously, she is so light that she gets air on the slide!). She has fallen off the kitchen table and onto the tile floor. She can say "all done" and "thank you"...even though her family members are the only ones who can decipher it. She still says "mama" as though she is an Italian baby. And at her 18 month well visit (when she had the croup), Dr. Ana tried to remind me that Becca is not the boss of me. This statement followed the conversation of weaning her off of her paci and fruit snacks. She is spunky, independent and a little bit crazy.
Jonathan is my hero...not only did he catch (and sadly kill) a big ole mouse in our garage (all I can think about is every Disney movie I have seen about mice), but he keeps me grounded and balanced. He is an amazing father and wonderful husband. He is not perfect, but He's mine. And I am blessed. God did such an amazing thing with us. And He still is...
We have painted the guest bedroom and moved Nicky to it. Izzy got a new bed. And Becca is moving upstairs to Nicky's old room. I will be working on painting Becca's new room today. All of the kids will be upstairs and Izzy's daybed is moving downstairs to Becca's old room which will now be the guest room. The upstairs is a disaster right now as we work on this. Between the chaos in our home, our schedule, and the unsteady economy I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed. I am praying for precious moments of peace and clarity. I am doing Beth Moore's Esther bible study..."For such a time as this." I am having a hard time seeing my destiny. What do I have to offer that would change and affect many people? Where in my life is my destiny, my purpose...am I meeting it or missing it? Again, it's so much easier to believe, accept and see it in others...Beth Moore says that our testimony will have no affect if we're not transparent. "Sometimes our most important moments come hand-in-hand with our willingness to reveal that we aren't really who we've seemed to be." It's hard finding the balance of being transparent. This has been the very thing that has brought me pain in the past. Transparency combined with insecurity, seeking acceptance and fear has brought me to where I am today. Not such a bad thing...I have learned and grown from it through God's grace. But, can you be transparent without being hurt? Is it ever okay to be guarded with certain people? And how do you know? How can you be your true self, the woman God created you to be, transparent and vulnerable to be used for God's glory without being wounded? And if this is the calling to Christians, why is there so much judgement and hurt? Why aren't we all transparent...with our successes...and failures? With our growth and our junk?
Time is flying by. My kids are growing too fast. And I feel a sense of struggle and urgency of balance, priority and trying to figure it out. But, I digress...and reverting back to worry. Or is this just a phase? All I know is that I can spend so much time worrying, that I am missing out...of the blessings...and the moments...
"There's only One who knows
What's really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is HE'S OUT THERE WAITING
To Him the future's history
And He has given us a treasure called RIGHT NOW
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let the soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go
YOU GOTTA LET IT GO
Listen to your heartbeat
There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss
THE MIRACLE OF THE MOMENT"
--Steve Curtis Chapman
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