from tattoos to salvation...from fear to change....

So, once again Izzy and I were walking to school this morning and found ourselves in a very profound conversation about faith, sin, salvation and honoring God. I tell you, I had no idea that these 15 minute walks in the morning would yield to such insight and sharing. What a blessing to have with my first born and sensitive sweet girl. It all started because of a tattoo. Yes, a tattoo. How often does a tattoo lead to discussion of faith and salvation? You just never know when God will give you the opportunity to share...if we just listen.

Well, Jonathan and I celebrate our 8 year anniversary today. 8 years. Who would have known when we moved here 3 years ago that our marriage would be where it is today? 3 years ago, our marriage was in a very fragile and delicate state. I knew that moving would present the opportunity to have hope for change. I didn't know that the future held for us. I could only put my trust, hope and faith in the Lord. I could only give him my heart, my husband and my marriage to work on. He provided a miracle. He provided complete healing, forgiveness and restoration to our marriage. I wouldn't change a thing. It was only through our challenges and struggles that He could bring us to where we are today. And He has not given up on us...He continues to work on us both individually and together as a family. We have come so far in these 3 years...by God's Grace. And to celebrate, we went out to a movie...and to get tattoos on Saturday. He got Rebecca's initial added to the rest of our family's initials and a cross above our family on his back. I got two wedding bands intertwined and three small hearts around it on my left wrist.

This morning, Isabelle asked me again what my tattoo meant. I was able to share with her what God did for our marriage and for our family. And now, ever time I look down, I am reminded of that. This led to our beautiful conversation about walking by faith, not by sight...to our amazing gift of salvation from our Savior. All I know is that her 5-almost-6-year-old's heart loves and knows Jesus. She understands that sins are the bad things we do and that Jesus died for those because of His love for us. She sees Him in the rainbows, flowers and butterflies He sends to us and knows that He lives in our Heart.

Nicholas also understands that God and Jesus are in His heart, but wonders how they can fit in there and why can't he see them? My sweet and curious little monkey. He so takes after Jonathan. Questions and more questions. Izzy is like a mini-me and Nicky is like a mini-Jonathan. At least Jonathan can relate to him and explain things to him in his analytical way. He is doing much better with school...he is having so much fun on Tues. and Thurs. that not only is he not crying, but he barely even says good-bye to me!

Becca is officially walking (and falling down) everywhere. She is also answering questions by nodding yes or no (with her whole body). It is so darn cute that I ask her questions all day long just to see her nod! She is definitely my wild child...easy-going, but with a mind and a spirit all her own. I just pray that God will make His presence known to each of them and that they will know Him, love Him and follow Him all the days of their lives....wherever He takes them. How exciting to think of who they will become!

God is just speaking and working in me lately. I am doing a Kay Arthur study called Return to the Garden. It's about s-e-x (yes, I am whispering that in my head). But, it's about so much more than that to me. This study has taken me in such a different direction than I had expected. It really has spoken to me about how much God loves us. About His covenant with us. With me. I have always had a hard time wrapping my head around being the Bride of Christ, but this study has really taken me to a place where it's coming together.

At Celebrate Recovery a while ago, Jonathan taught that often times the space between recognition for the need for change and the willingness to allow it to occur is often filled with fear. It resonated so much with me that I wrote it down in my journal. What's funny is that I read it just the other day and it just clicked. I never thought I was fearful...but, then I thought about how I worry so much. What is worry, but the fear of "what if"? What is worry, but thinking of the past or the future and ignoring the gift of the present? I so need to stand in the present and live in the moment. God has been working so hard with me, especially this past year. There have been times that I am frustrated for not being further along. That I am still stuck in worry...in insecurity. But, then I realized that maybe the barrier is...me. Perhaps what I am fearful of is the very thing of which I desire. To change. Because, even though I recognize the need and desire to change...change is scary...even for the better, it's different. What would I be like...who would I be...different? I know I need to take the big leap...but, I am not sure how. And what is change? Is it complete change and freedom from the things with which I struggle? Or is it baby steps and growth, recognition and progress, but never complete freedom? Something that God and I will always work on?

And I have another question...God's greatest desire and purpose for creating us was for relationship...relationship with Him and with others. So, please tell me, why are relationships so complicated? And sometimes, temporary? I have learned something from every relationship, but sometimes the lessons have been painful. And it seems it doesn't matter what stage of life you are in...high school, 20's, 30's, 40's...(sometimes it even seems like high school in your 20's, 30's and 40's!)...relationships are complicated. Is it because God is the only everlasting and never changing constant in our lives? That we are supposed to keep our eyes on the things above...of the things not seen and not on the world...on the temporary? And if so, why are human relationships so important to Him? I feel like He is telling me that they are important, but they shouldn't replace Him. I should not look to relationships here on earth to fulfill or meet needs of mine nor can I be that for someone else. But, then what exactly are they for? Hmm...

I will press on...secure in the knowledge that the work He is working in me is not complete yet.