"You are looking at a freewill offering. No one can make you surrender your sufferings to God. Only you can decide how your fires will affect you. Will you be sanctified or scarred? Listen as He says to you, 'My precious child, I bore My scars so that you would not have to!' He has suffered enough for both of you...The key to wearing our new self, rather than allowing our robes of righteousness to hang in the closet, is found in Ephesians 4:23. Are you storing anything of the old self in the new mind? We are new creatures in Christ; but if we still think like the old creature, we will find it impossible to personify the new. Most of our wars are fought on the battlefield of the mind."
-- Beth Moore, A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place
Wow. Conviction. Someone pointed out to me that maybe I still carried a lot of hurt from times past. I have been pondering that. And when I read this, it broke my heart that I may have let my fires scar me, not sanctify me. But, the more I have thought about it, the more I don't think I carry hurt from others, but from myself. I have long forgiven others, but forgiving myself for my part I have yet to do. For most of college and my early 20s, I was so far from who I am at my core and so far from who God created me to be. I guess it just seems like something hard to justify and forget. Why is it so hard? I know in my head that I am forgiven. It's my heart that needs to catch up. Beth (yes, I feel as though we are on first name basis) is so right. Most of our wars are fought on the battlefield of the mind. If I can't forgive and forget parts of my old self, how can I allow Christ to clothe me in the robe of righteousness that He so desperately wants to?
I have realized that I am such a hypocrite. I tell people all the time in Celebrate Recovery how they have new life in Christ. I speak of His miracles and His redemption. I believe it for others, but just not for myself. How do you get past this? I have to be honest, it's not for a lack of trying. I have been trying for months to move past this struggle into the redemption. And it seems like every time I get a bit closer, something pulls me back. Something tells me that I can't. It's for others...just not for me. Is this warfare? Or is this just a battle of my mind? Is my enemy like a lion that prowls or is it me?
I desire freedom, rest, restoration, redemption, sanctification and righteousness. Right now I feel so far away from that. Our pastor said something last Sunday that really resonated with me...or more like punched me in the stomach...Jesus desired His Father's desires before His own. I realize this is not a new revelation. But, I asked myself...how often do I do that? Truly do that. Oh, I always want to do and be in His will. But, how often do I truly DESIRE His desires before my own. If I am totally honest, my prayers are always for His will, but Lord, could you just let me know what that is so I can prepare and plan for it? I would love to become a person who desires God's desires before my own...that His desires would actually be the desire of my heart.
We had Shiloh this past Monday. I cannot tell you how much this women's ministry blesses me. Not only do my dear friends lead it, but it is amazingly and simply powerful. You know God's at work when everyone feels like the message was "just for them."
"Nothing would grieve me more than to get to heaven and see all that God wanted for me."
-- Angela Wheeler, Shiloh
When she said this, the hair on my arms stood up. She was talking about our promised lands. "Your promised land is the place where your theology merges with your reality."
-- Beth Moore, Believing God
Angela explained that this basically meant that our walks matched up with our talks. I remember this saying from high school. But she put it into a new and fresh perspective for me. She said there is a disconnect when God says we are conquerors, but we walk around in defeat. When God has given us gifts through the Spirit, yet we say and feel that we have nothing to offer. You can't be perfect, that would be exhausting and unattainable, but you can be real and authentic. She taught obedience before blessing...how many of us want the blessing and the promised land, but we don't want to do the work to get there.
Guilty again. I can honestly say that I am working hard to get there. But, I still keep waiting for this moment where someone will flick the light switch and something will just click, everything will fall into place and the battle in my mind will be over. I do wish it was like that...easy and in one moment. I think that perhaps part of the work is the acceptance of what He offers and believing it...not just for others, but for myself. But that's that hard part...because it's not something I actually can work at or perfect...it's something I need to surrender...to let go.
