Nicky as "Go, Diego!
with the Easter goodies he won at the Easter Egg Hunt.
Isabelle before church.

One happy family...all getting along...for now!

a heart like his

I am doing a Beth Moore bible study right now on David, called A Heart Like His. In my homework this week is talked about David listening to the conviction of the Holy Spirit and not acting on the opportunity and taking Saul's, his king, father-in-law, and persecutor, life. She says, "Remember, the same Holy Spirit who anointed David with His presence also dwells in New Testament believers. As we draw nearer and nearer to God, our sensitivity to conviction and our discernment of wrongdoing will increase. If we are filled by the His Spirit, conviction will be met with a change of behavior."

Wow! You mean the very Holy Spirit that inhabited and dwelled in a man like David, a man after God's own heart, a man anointed by the Lord to lead His people, a man with a heart like His, is the same Holy Spirit that lives and abides in me? I tell you, the most simple and basic concepts are the most awe-striking, amazing, and "light-bulb" moments for me lately. I am in awe and jealous for the type of intimate, deep and personal relationship that David had with the Lord. No, he wasn't perfect. Yes, he struggled in his desperate want to do the right and godly thing. Yes, he made mistakes. But, his relationship with the Lord was so strong. He could give all and everything to Him. His Psalms are so wrought with emotions that I never thought to say out loud to God (like, He doesn't already know!). That it was okay to admit that you are angry or hurt or want justice or mercy. To be yourself with the One who knows and loves you best.

I was reading a devotional book to Isabelle and Nicholas, Why is There a Cross?, the night before Easter. Yes, I cried. But, Isabelle -- with her child-like heart and faith -- said, "Mommy, it's okay. He is risen. He is alive!" Again, the most simple and basic concepts...He is risen! He is alive! And He abides in me. And He abides in you. And we can Stand in His Grace. And Rest in His Peace.

The More I Seek You

The More I seek You
The More I find youthe more I find you
The more I love you
I want to sit at you feet
drink from the cup in your hands
lay back against you and breath
feel your heartbeat
this love is so deep
it's more than I can stand
I melt in your peace
it's overwhelming

under construction...

I am a woman under construction. A work in progress. God is doing some work in me and I have to be honest that it hasn't been easy (that last blog probably didn't give that away, eh?). But, I also don't regret this struggle because I know that as He carries me through it, I will grow to be a more whole person in Him and bring Him glory on the other side of this struggle. There will be other struggles to come and maybe even more of this same one, but I live right now in the hope that as I grow, my walk will become stronger, the struggles easier, the path straighter, and the answers more clear.

Does everyone else struggle like this? Sometimes I feel like I am the only one. Then I have conversations with other women and I realize that I am not alone in this struggle of being and becoming. The struggle for me is and always has been insecurity...being too much and not enough at the same time...that who I am and what I have to offer is not enough or right...I have realized that I am a 31 year old woman that has spent most of her life trying to be who and what I thought others wanted...trying to please. Always measuring myself compared to everyone else. How is it ever possible to measure up? All this does is diminish me, my heart and my confidence of anything I might have to offer. I know as Christians, we should be held to a higher standard...the whole world is watching. I know as Christians, we should be held accountable. Heck, I think everyone should be held accountable. Most people are too busy trying to find something or someone else to blame than to take the time to be held accountable for their own behavior and choices. But, I am my own harshest critic and I usually don't need judgement, criticism or a guilt trip to feel that I should be doing better and more than I am.

I guess what I am trying to say is...as women, shouldn't we be in this thing together? It's hard enough as it is. Being a mom is hard. Being a wife is hard. Most days I wonder if I am doing either one well enough. I think most women don't feel like they have all the answers and have it all together, yet spend so much time pretending that they do. What if we were all just a little more honest...a little more vulnerable...a little more authentic? We could encourage and edify...not judge, compete, compare and tear down. The book, Captiviting, references the "striving woman"...the woman who is always trying harder and working harder...to be and do better. This woman is never at rest and puts her standard on everyone else. She is saying, "I cannot accept you the way you are, you need to work harder and be more. Your heart is not safe here because I am not willing to reveal mine." “Earnestness is not by any means everything; it is very often a subtle form of pious pride because it is obsessed with the method and not with the Master.” (Oswald Chambers). Or we could be the woman with a beauty to unveil...a woman who rests in Christ and offers that beauty and rest to other women...offering the grace to be and the room to become. I know this is the kind of woman I desire to become. I want other women to see my true heart and true beauty that I have to offer...I want to offer the grace and room to other women to do the same. How can we reflect Christ's image when we're too busy trying to present a certain image of perfection? He was perfect, but we are not. Nor will we ever be in this lifetime...no matter how hard we try. And how utterly exhausting and defeating to live our lives trying to attain such a lofty goal that is completely unattainable. We may experience glimpses and moments of feeling like we have it all together or we are exactly who and where we were made to be or that we are at the top of the hill on this roller coaster ride of life. Because we're never going to stay there...if we are growing, learning, changing and being led by the Holy Spirit. But, the best we can offer in these moments is not advice or telling other women how to do it. The best we can offer is a word of encouragement...the Word...hope...love...mercy...a glimpse of God reflected in the heart facing them. The best we can do is reflect who we truly are...who He made us to be. That is what we have to offer.

"Am I lovely? Do you delight in me? Do I have a beauty to offer?" These are questions that Captivating poses that a woman brings into the world, carried in her heart, put there by God. "How have these questions been answered for you?" the book questions and carries you on a journey of self-exploration, observation and realization. Change can only begin with self-observation. I think most people are too busy looking at others and what they need to work on than taking the time to look at themselves...a long, hard, honest look. I realize now that I have looked to everyone else to answer these questions for me. I have received a myriad of answers. Some lovely...others not so much. Why is it I can hear ten nice, encouraging and loving things, but take the one negative comment to heart and carry it with me forever? The only voice I should listen to is the only voice that matters...God. Nobody can fulfill us, but the One who made us. Knowing that...why is it so hard? I have had some friendships in my life that have not been healthy and have been hurtful. But, God is so gracious and so good, because He has always protected me and provided women and friendships that were nurturing, encouraging, inspiring and such an amazing example of who He is. He put these women in my path, both past and present, and I am so thankful and grateful to Him for them. See, women can be amazing! I think God meant for us to be amazing. Life-givers. Life-savers. Nurturers. Merciful. Loving. Relational. Women are heart. And I am so blessed to have women in my life who love the Lord with all of their heart. Women who live with and through their heart and help me to feel safe and accepted to do the same...because from our hearts flows the well spring of life.

We don't know enough about each other's hurts, fears, brokenness and hearts to be so careless. To be anything but gentle and grace-giving. I heard someone say something to the affect that in both our reward and in our lacking that we should find ourselves being the beloved. Wow. You mean, even when I am not good enough...even when I am messing up and lacking, I am still loved? Even more than that...I am still loveable? I don't know why that is so hard for me to get. Because, we should abide in that....I want to abide in that. In good times and bad, He loves us. In our successes and our struggles, He remains the same. In joy and pain, He is the ever constant light and restoration. He never lets go. The fact is that none of us are good enough, deserving enough to receive salvation...redemption. That's exactly what mercy is...getting what we don't deserve or not getting what we deserve. None of us are worthy enough. We shouldn't spend our time here trying to overcome that by trying to prove our worth. That's why there was a cross. We have received grace. So we can offer grace.

My hope is to find my security and identity in Christ alone. My hope is to eventually stop listening to the harsh voices of striving and critical spirits and start listening to my Father's voice of mercy, grace, love and delight. My hope is to have more days where I feel like I am who and where He wants to be than not. My hope is in the Lord.

Only You by David Crowder Band

Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it up to You who’s throned

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything

And It’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now
You should see the view
When it’s only You

my 2 cents

Forgive me in advance for these rantings from my soapbox. But, I delight in one of the many freedoms men and women have died to allow me to have and that is the freedom of speech. And because it's my blog, I can say what I want. And you have the freedom to disagree...Isn't that great?

One of my best friends has been listening to a Christian talk radio station in Dallas. She usually finds it interesting, insightful and sometimes even uplifting. But, then there are other times...Like when they bashed yoga and called it anti-Christian. She thought it was a ridiculous argument and could understand why people turn away from organized religion and God when faced with judgement in unimportant and unnecessary arguments.

The fact is that yoga is not a religion...it is a philosophy. And for most people it is...(dramatic pause for this shocking revelation) EXERCISE. And actually can be quite a Christian experience when you couple it with prayer and praise and worship music.

Let me pose a question...when did me demote Christianity to merely a dissection of how we dress, how we exercise, what we watch on TV, what books we read, who we vote for, if we breastfeed, if we home school, or what church we attend? When did we start putting God into a box of who WE think He is? Especially if it matches our opinions. Opinion: o·pin·ion /əˈpɪnyən/ –noun
1.
a belief or judgment that rests on grounds insufficient to produce complete certainty.
2.
a personal view, attitude, or appraisal.

Everyone has an opinion and is entitled to their opinion. But, it doesn't necessarily make them right. There is a lot of scripture that offers guidelines on non-essential issues in a Christian life. I don't think there are always black and white answers to every issue. There are many shades of gray when opinions are involved. This is where prayer, discernment and the Holy Spirit comes in. And it works differently in every Christian's life. We cannot be other people's Holy Spirit. We are each convicted and called to live in different areas, in different ways, at different times. Different. Not better, not worse. Just Different. And we are on a journey...constantly changing and growing - hopefully - if we are being led by the Holy Spirit. It's like my dad says in one of his many "Dadisms..." "If we both agree on everything, then one of us isn't necessary."

And isn't that what is so amazing about God? That He made us all different, but STILL in His own image. And when we receive the Holy Spirit through our salvation through faith, we receive unique, different and special spiritual gifts to go along with our unique, different and special talents, personalities and life experiences to do...what?...to edify and unite the body of Christ. So why is it that we spend so much time focusing on the very non-essential issues that cause division and separation, when we could focus on the core issues that unite and bring us together for a greater purpose? I believe there are more important things that we have in common than the semantics and logistics that make us different. Like, "Do you believe in your heart that Christ is the Savior?" Isn't that the important question? So, why do we spend so much time looking at the outward appearance and obedience of a Christian, when we should be looking at what's in the heart? "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not look at his appearance or at his physical stature, because I have refused him. For the Lord does not see as man sees; for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." (1 Samuel 16:7).

C.S. Lewis makes a point in his book, Mere Christianity. We do not have to argue Christ's existence. We know He existed. We even know that He died on the cross. It's why He died on the cross that we need to argue. We have a choice to make. Christ is either who He says He is or He is a liar. He is either the Savior or He is a crazy person.

Sometimes a tv show is just a tv show. Sometimes a book is just a book. Sometimes yoga is just exercise. God is not Baptist or Catholic or Methodist or Lutheran. He is not a Republican or a Democrat. He doesn't live in a building...or a box. So why do we let all the other little things matter? It's like a bad stand-up comedy routine..."You might be a Christian if..." I find that I am the most insecure and self-doubting when I am in a bible study with opinionated Christian women. Isn't that sad? Didn't Christ come to bring a new covenant and do away with the legalism? My dad has another "Dadism..." "You are working under the assumption that I care about what you think." And why do I care so much about what other people think? Why have I spent so much of my life trying to be what and who others want be to be? The only One who can judge is the One who can stand perfect in judgement. The only One whose opinion should count is the only One whose opinion matters. "Am I now trying to win the approval of men or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Galatians 1:10).

When did we, as Christians, start to offer judgement instead of grace? No wonder people have issues with organized religion and the concept with a loving and merciful God. It's like the saying, "You can catch more bees with honey." Well, you can reach more unbelievers with grace. Why do we think people come to church in the first place? They come because they are looking for a different answer. They come because they are tired of filling a void and want to finally fulfill it. They come because they want to know and feel that they can still be a good Christian and struggle...to not have it all together...to not be perfect. And isn't that what God says?? Come to me, you broken children...come to me with your mess...as you are...for it is in your brokenness that I see your beauty...it is in your mess that I can heal and redeem you...if you let me. How many Christians do you think struggle with depression, addiction, eating disorders, anger, pride, pornography, alcohol, and codependency? How many people do you think never start on the road to recovery and continue to live in denial because it is so hard to say, "I AM a believer who struggles with..." Because of the fear of judgement...of rejection...of being a Christian, but not being good enough...of being too much and not enough at the same time.

"In fact, the only thing getting in the way of our being fully captivating and enjoyed is our STRIVING...'He will quiet you with his love.' (Zeph 3:17). A woman of true beauty offers other the GRACE TO BE and the room TO BECOME." (Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge).


Some people try to listen to the bottom of a bottle
Some people try to listen to a needle in their arm
Some people try to listen to the money in their pocket
Some people try to listen to another's arms

You and I are not that different
We got a void and we're just trying to fill it up
With something that will give just a little peace
All we want is a hand to reach to
Open arms that say I love you
We'd give anything to hear
The voice of a Savior

Some people try to find it with blind ambition
Some people try to find it where no one else has gone
Some people try to find it in the crowns of victory
Some people get defeated and lose the strength to carry on

You and I are not that different
We got a void and we're just trying to fill it up
With something that will give just a little peace
All we want is a hand to reach to
Open arms that say I love you
We'd give anything to hear
The voice of a Savior

Some people try to find it in the shadow of a steeple
Some people try to find it in the back row pew
Some people try to find it in the arms of Jesus
That's where I found it, how about you?

(The Voice of a Savior - Mandissa)