summer daze...

OK...so my oldest is about to graduate from kindergarten. (sigh...pause...as I wipe my eyes). She is very sad and every time it comes up, she tells me, "Mommy, don't remind me." They had to clean out their kinder room today and she said that she cried. It probably doesn't help that her precious teacher is having a hard time holding back her own tears. While I truly believe she is sad and will greatly miss her wonderful blessing of a teacher, I am a little more concerned for me. When I dropped her off at school this morning I ended up getting caught in the hallway by the National Anthem. As I watched them sing and then Pledge of Allegiance at their little tables, my eyes filled up. We have their kindergarten graduation tomorrow morning and then their last day of school on Friday. When did time start going by so fast? She will be officially a first grader. A FIRST grader. She can read. When did that happen?? Nicholas, my sweet baby boy, will be turning five in June. FIVE. Becca, the baby, will be two. Two going on Twelve.

Nicky could officially start kinder this Fall, but we are waiting a year. He has had his second season of soccer and has turned out to be really great at it, if I must say. Becca is doing her first swim lessons this summer. She seems so little. Then I remember that Nicky was exactly this age when he did his first lessons with Ms. PJ. Seriously? She starts dance in 2 weeks. Yes. Little Becca in pink tights and ballet shoes. She is so excited!

Izzy tried out for dance team again and made level two with all of her friends from level 1. She was very nervous about making a level and what level she would be on. Now she is so excited to start on level 2 classes this summer. She seems to be starting on the journey of balancing being excited about moving forward while sad about leaving things and people behind. I don't think she realizes that yet, but it is a balance we try to strike for the rest of our adult lives. This amazing book I just read said, "A stinging pang of longing shot through me and I found myself of the verge of tears. I wondered if that's what I was up to, if I were doing what so many others have done, upstarts who head off to adventure in the big city only to choose the life their parents had chosen, moving onward and backward at the same time."

Isn't that what life's journey is? Moving onward and backward at the same time? Striving and progress, but never perfection in this lifetime. Isn't the art of understanding and maturing being able to balance two contradictions, two paradoxes, at the same time? That's what someone really smart and grounded told me once. It was after being reminded of this statement that I had a semi-epiphany. I look back into my past and see someone who was so naive, innocent and idealistic. I realized I have been sad and disappointed about losing those characteristics through my years of growing up, being hurt and overcoming. But, perhaps I haven't lost something. Perhaps, I have gained. I have gained experience, maturity, growth and maybe even a little wisdom. Perhaps it's a little of both. In order to gain something, we have to be willing to let go of something else. In order to "put on a new person in Christ" we have to be willing to let go of the old. Maybe we have to be willing not only for God to forgive us, but for us to forgive ourselves. I am not the person I was in high school. But, I am also not the person I was in college. I am not even the person I was yesterday. And by the grace of God I am constantly changing. I just pray that it's for the better...but every once in a while, I go backwards. Thank God for the grace to begin again...

This quote was on my friend's Praying for Kristi Blog...God is doing so many amazing miracles....big and small...I pray that we do not miss out on experiencing or witnessing even one of them...

"Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Grab life by the mane. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away. Chase the lion."
- Mark Batterson

dazed and confused...

There is so much going on right now, that I can't even wrap my head around it or make any sense of it. Life has gotten hectic. Just normal daily things to keep up with now that we are nearing the end of the school year. Then the not-so-normal things like still waiting on the Lord for what's next for Jonathan as far as work and what that means for us as a family. Then the uncertain things like finances, the economy, the nation, and the world. Then the "why" things like a 33-year-old friend and mom of 4 diagnosed with lymphoma cancer and another friend's mom home for hospice care.

I mentioned this to Jonathan the other day...how things seem so uncertain all of a sudden all at the same time. And he reasoned, quite pragmatically I might mention, that things are no different than they were this morning or yesterday or last year. Nothing is ever for certain and we have no guarantees. We have a sovereign God of grace who is mighty to save and overcomes the world. But, our world is a fallen one. Things just seem to be happening all at once around here, but yesterday, last week, last year...it was happening to someone else...we were just wrapped in our own false sense of security. Well.

Then I thought, "That's such a man response." Then I thought, "I just wish I could see things through God's eyes and heart." And then I kept asking, "But, Why?"

I am praying for complete healing for my friend and peace and comfort beyond understanding for my other dear friend. I pray for God's provision and guidance for wisdom and discernment for all of us trying to navigate this life in this world at this time. I pray for unlimited faith and trust...and joy during these uncertain times. I pray that the word of our testimonies will be strengthened and hope for others will grow as a result.

Today is just the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. One day at a time. Let go and let God. God is good...all the time. He is faithful. I don't know what He's up to...but, He does. Let's let God do what He does best.