turn this life around...

Okay. My friend, Kimberly, emailed me impatiently asking where my blog was for this week. I just didn't have anything to say. For those that know me...I know, shocking. Well, let me clarify...I didn't have anything positive to say. It's just been a crazy kind of time lately. With Celebrate Recovery and people knowing Jonathan and my story, we are blessed with hearing the stories and struggles of others. While it is a blessing and a priveledge to pray for and encourage friends and the people God puts in our path, it can also be heart-breaking. It is hard to hear in a week's time of struggles with divorce, alcoholism, addiction, death, infidelity, eating disorders, anxiety and depression.

It weighs so heavy on my heart and I wish so much that there was more I could do. I ask God, "Why?" We are not living out a story line in a movie or soap opera. This is real life. And in real life, people are hurting, suffering and feeling lost. It's so easy to think or say, "Stop it. Just stop it." Especially with Christians...People say, "Go to God. If you have God then you have all you need. Get in the Word." How hard it must be for people, especially Christians, to admit that they are struggling or that they need help. Because we feel, too, that if we are walking with God, that should be enough. It is such a big deal for people to admit that they are having a hard time. It is a bigger deal to take the first step into getting help. It is an even bigger deal to go to your first recovery meeting. In fact, I am of the belief that everyone should be in recovery. And news flash...if you think that you have no reason being in recovery, then you're probably the type of person who needs it most! :) I know that most people hear "recovery" and think of just alcohol or drugs. Our recovery program allows people to address and start to allow God to heal them from all kinds of hurts, hang-ups and habits. If you are alive, breathing and walking around, chances are you've been hurt or hurt someone else that you need to lay it down, ask for forgiveness and be restored. If you are above the age of 18, chances are you have some baggage you are carrying around...that Christ wants to carry for you. There is freedom in being authentic and vulnerable and say, "I don't have it together. I am having a hard time." Whew. I have seen miracles start from just that. Freedom from no longer carrying the burden and the secret all alone.

By the way, I don't have it together and I am having a hard time! Maybe not every day, but I still struggle with things. Right now, lots of things. Right now, more often than not. They may not be alcohol or drugs. But, they can be just as destructive or damaging. Insecurities, worry, anxitey, anger, stress, body image and eating issues, fear and control. Things I think I have dealt with and put behind me. Things that I thought I has hashed out and resolved with God. Yup, some of all of those things still creep back up. Sometimes when I least expect it. For example, I went bathing suit shopping over the weekend. It was such a terrible experience, my husband took the 2 older kiddos to the car so that I could take my time. I spent most of my time in the fitting room looking at Becca through tear-filled eyes telling myself that she was all worth it. All worth having to go to the "Tankini". All worth having to buy a "Mom" bathing suit. (Having to buy extra bra inserts, no less!). It was not my best day.

My kids just had nachos for dinner because I didn't have time to plan ahead. And by "nachos" I mean tortillas chips with some processed cheese on top. We are getting our carpet pulled up and staining our concrete floors because our dog has a weak bladder. All of my furniture is in hallways, piled in the kitchen and all over counters and in bathrooms. The kids and I are sharing one bathroom, Becca's crib is in the guestroom, we are sleeping in the kid's loft on the sofa bed, and I believe Jonathan is shaving in the kitchen sink. My laundry (have I mentioned that I abhor laundry?) is all over the kitchen. You would think that this would be a unique situation because of the work being done on the house. Well, it is. Usually I hide it all in my bedroom, so I can close the door and shut it away.

I cannot live without caffeine. And even with this addiction (that I refuse to go into recovery from), I am still exhausted. For the first time in my life, I feel like...a mom. Not some young, chic, uber-cool mom. Just a tired, can't-keep-it-together, mom. I finally break down in tears from the frustration, stress and realization that yes, I am no longer cool, now am a tired mom and confess this to my husband. He says oh-so-lovingly, "Well, you are getting older and you are a mom." (Have I mentioned before that my love language is affirmations?). He can't seem to understand why I am so upset. I respond, just as lovingly, "You really suck at knowing what to say." (Again, have I mentioned affirmations?).

Isabelle, my 5 year old, is trying out for the Pre-Team Dance Team with her Dance School. Yes, Dance Team. They have auditions and everything. She has been begging for over a year. She starts Kindergarten in the Fall. She is a mature, sweet, polite little girl one minute and a bona-fide sassy, drama queen the next. She is growing up. I am having a hard time with this.

Nicholas, my only son, made a goal in last week's soccer game! He tends to be a shy little guy that I worry about not finding the right thing that will draw our his amazing and silly personality. I don't know if soccer is it, (I mean, he's only 3), but he seems to have come out of his shell and has found confidence on his team.

Becca, my sweet Becca, has two teeth, smiles almost all of time and has the sweetest disposition of any baby. I am blessed.

I keep trying to keep my focus on God. And I know that with my focus on Him, He will bring balance to my life, family, time and priorities. In Him, I will find rest in His grace and mercy. In Him, I will find peace and joy in all my circumstances. I just want to know that I am on His path and living His will in my life. Most of all, I want to please Him and bring Him glory.

Whole Again by Jennifer Knapp

Daddy, daddy do you miss me.
The way I crawled upon your knee.
Those childish games of hide and seek
Seem a million miles away.
Am I lost in some illusion.

Or am I what you thought I'd be.
Now it seems I've found myself
In need to be forgiven.
Is there still room upon that knee?

If I give my Life, If I lay it down
Can you turn this Life around, around
Can I be made clean
By this offering of my soul.
Can I be made whole again?

Have I labored all for nothing.
Trying to make it on my own.
Fear to reach out to the hand
Of one who understands me

Say I'd rather be here all alone.
It's all my fault I sit and wallow in seclusion.
As if I had no hope at all,
I guess truth becomes you
I have seen it all in motion
That Pride comes before the fall.

If I give my Life, If I lay it down
Can you turn this Life around, around
Can I be made clean
By this offering of my soul.
Can I be made whole again?

Can I offer up this simple prayer.
Pray it finds a simple ear.
A scratch in your infinite time.
Not withstanding my fallings
Not withstanding my crime!

If I give my Life, If I lay it down
Can you turn this Life around, around
Can I be made clean,
By this offering of my soul.
Can I be made whole again?