Remember the scene in Forrest Gump when he tries to help his childhood friend, Jenny (that's pronounced Jen-ny), from her abusive home? She goes running out to the corn fields and little Forrest goes running after her. She says, "If I were a bird, I would have wings and I would fly far...far away from here." In college (being that I went to The University of Alabama...yes, Forrest's Alma Mater), whenever we would get stressed, tired or overwhelmed, we would say that joking around, with the worst southern accent we could muster. Now, it takes on a whole new meaning. Ever have a time in your life when you wish you could just fly...far...far away from where you are?
"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings." - Hodding Carter, Journalist.
Isabelle is growing up so fast. In fact, they all are. But, she starts kindergarten this Fall. I never thought I would be that mom that would have a hard time come kindergarten. But, you know what? I am so that mom. And I feel this unbelievable and overwhelming pressure to deal with my stuff and try to get myself together before that chapter in our lives starts. I feel God pressing this desire onto my heart...not just for me to experience the freedom of His grace, but to be able to pass that along to my children.
I had a great childhood and wonderful parents. And I still have stuff to hash out. I just want to know at the end of the day, that I did the best I could. That the roots of our family are set firmly in the foundation of God. That I am the person God created me to be and honored Him with my thoughts and actions. To bring Him glory, even out of the stuff I have when I finally release it to Him.
The message of Shiloh last night was amazing. Once again, I felt God speaking directly to me. Angela spoke about Sanctification and how it is not what we are or what we do, but who we are. It is not something we earn. Sanctification is peace and blessing that comes from putting our trust in Christ. We are God's treasured possession. We are holy because He says we are. The enemy can't take away our holiness, so he will just try to convince us that we don't have it. Pleasing God is not a means to holiness, but is the fruit of it. Oh, how I wish everyone could hear the message first hand, because I so don't do it justice.
I felt the hint of freedom -- God calling that out to me -- but then immediately the overwhelming sensation of having to start all over again. For someone who has spent her life working, earning and pleasing, I am now having to let that concept go. After 31 years, it feels comfortable to be there. Familiar. It's a little scary to think of who I will be and what my life will be like without it. I know that's sounds incredibly asinine. Why would I balk at freedom? Well, I am trying to figure it out. And I am willing to wrestle with God until the blessing.
"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord." (2 Corin 3:18).
I feel God preparing us for something great. Something so much bigger than us. Only He can take what the enemy means for evil and make it glorious. When I voiced my frustration and brokenness about seeing so many hurting people around me, a friend reminded me that in order for there to be a revival, there must be something to be revived from. In order for there to be redemption and restoration, there must first be something, someone broken. In the meantime, we stand, right now, in the hope of His promises and His character. His redemption, restoration and revival.
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