baby steps...

I looked at my calendar yesterday and noticed that there are only 6 weeks left of school. SIX weeks! That means summer will be here and then...kindergarten. I realize that kindergarten may not sound like such a big deal, but it seems like that way to me right now. I feel like it is going to be a big life change for not only my first born (Could I possibly have a child in kindergarten? When did that happen?), but for me.

Even Jonathan seems to be a little overwhelmed by the prospect. He was asking me the other day, "So she goes to school from 7:40 to 2:40?" Pause. "Every day?" Exactly.

I have no doubt that Isabelle is ready and will do great in kindergarten. I am expecting the usual transition issues, but I know she will end up loving it. However, my daughter seems to bounce back and forth between being excited to refusing to go. Oh dear. I love her, God is so not calling me to homeschooling.

Yesterday she kept following me around saying that she was going to go where ever I go. We had to make a run to Home Depot last night (all that catching up on laundry that the washer and dryer went out!) and on the way home she was asking why I lived away from Nana and Papa and if everyone that got married had to move away from their mommy and daddy and if so, she didn't want to get married. Jonathan informed her that she could live with us forever. Oh my heart.

I have read that being a good parent is raising your child to not need you when they grow up. What they neglect to add is how hard that is. I know I shouldn't be looking too far into the future, but it seems like we are taking the first steps into independence and our first big change. It is all very overwhelming to me right now.

Not to mention there seems to be some of what I refer to as "crazy moms" out there. I have encountered "crazy moms" even before the kindergarten world and it seems to get worse once they are actually in school. I am so not ready or at a place in my life where I can handle "crazy mom syndrome" in a healthy way right now. I am working on it and hope to make some progress before Izzy starts school to have more confidence and security in my identity in Christ that the "crazy mom syndrome" won't affect me so much...cause me to falter, doubt and not trust myself. To have complete righteous confidence in who God created me to be and the path He has set before me. To trust that and not waver from it.

I am really bad about "comparing every one's outsides to my insides" as they say in recovery. After 3 years you would think I would have stopped it. "Just Stop It!" But, I have to remind myself...progress, not perfection. It's just that I look at everyone else and they seem to have it all together...to "get it" while I still continue to struggle. In fact, it's an endless cycle...as the more "put together" someone else appears to be, the more I question myself. I forget, in the moment, to remind myself that I don't know "their insides" or to give it to God and remember what He says about me. I just end up feeling confused, insecure and inadequate.

And you know what really makes me angry? Are the woman, maybe even out of their own insecurity, that have such a hard time being "real and authentic" that they have to put on this "perfect appearance" (even though I have to remind myself there is no such thing as perfection in the world or even a healthy pursuit of perfection). In fact, in my recovery experience, the more "perfect" a person appears, the more problems they probably have. But, alas, I forget about this in the moment and the confident, striving, perfect woman leaves me feeling less than worthy and unsettled. I realize this is not their fault...this is my issue to deal with. I just wish we could all be authentic and vulnerable, so no one is left to ever feel unworthy. What a horrible feeling. And how many women feel like that. I know. I know from person experience and from the stories I hear every Thursday night at Celebrate Recovery.

I keep hearing God speak to me. I am reflecting on what He is revealing to me:

Simplifying will lead to Balance. Trusting in God and myself and Accepting how and who He made me will lead to healthy Boundaries and Righteous Confidence. Setting and establishing Realistic expectations for myself and from others will lead to Acceptance. What I am hoping for is Rest and Peace in the Grace of God.

So, I have the visual of the big picture...just how to get there keeps eluding me.

"You, O Lord, I put my trust;
Let me never be ashamed.
Deliver me in Your righteousness."
Psalm 31:1