Ever watched "Groundhog Day?" I feel like I am living that movie...the same day over and over again. It started a couple of weeks ago with Becca having her first ear infection. Then Izzy fell off the swing at school. Then Izzy threw up in the middle of the night last week. Then Becca threw up on Friday. Then Izzy threw up again in the middle of the night. Then Jonathan threw up. Then Becca gets an ear infection in the other ear. Then, just when I thought we were done...Izzy threw up again last night and my husband just texted me from the bathroom at work. Muffin seems to be chewing her way through our house and my pile of laundry is rivaling the height of the Empire State Building.
My friend, Jackie, posted on her blog about "The Killer Hour." (You should check it out...and she just went to Sundance...jealous!). All of you stay at home moms can relate. You know it: the last hour before Dad comes home from work when all the kids are tired and melting down (including Mom), you're trying to get dinner ready with a 3 year old whining about how hungry he is when you know he won't eat once it's time to sit down for dinner and you would like to get the house back into some resemblance of order so that your husband can come home to a 2008 version of a "Leave it to Beaver" home. It's bad when the "Killer Hour" is the last 2 hours of the day. It's really bad when it starts at 10am. It's really, really bad when it has lasted 5 days!
These are the days when I feel like I am treading water and barely keeping my head above it. When I go to bed at night thinking about what I could have done better and only seeing where I am failing. Could this be the enemy? I know he distracts and discourages...but, would he seriously attack the simple things in life? I think so. Because it always starts small and then before I know it, it has spiraled into complete self-loathing and despair. Unfortunately, he doesn't have to work very hard with me. Like Captivating says, some women are more susceptible to believing the lies of the enemy. My dear friend Stephanie says he often speaks to us in first person so that we cannot discern his lies from our own thoughts. And our Pastor Marty has said that God will convict, but never condemn - that is the way to discern where the critical voice is coming from. But, I get to where I cannot tell the lies from the truth. They seem to be much easier for me to believe.
That is why I am so grateful for the GRACE and MERCY of the LORD. And the beautiful FRIENDS -- no, SISTERS -- He has put in my life. And my HUSBAND, who is my best friend of all. Who challenges me to grow and be real and...be better. I know I am on the verge of TRANSFORMATION and the enemy does not want chains to be broken. But, I am BROKEN. Sometimes we have to be broken before we can be beautiful. We have to be truly humbled and bow down before we can be blessed. We have to trade our ASHES in for BEAUTY. I am not there yet, but I hope and believe I am on my way.
"The King is enthralled with your beauty." (Psalms 45:11)
Bethany Dillon, "Beautiful"
"I want to be beautiful
And make you stand in awe
Look inside my heart
And be amazed
I want to hear you say
Who I am is quite enough
I just want to be worthy of love
And beautiful"
4 comments:
You're a blessing to me, Jen...so nice to be reading your blog :-)
Oh Jen -- those days sound familiar to me!!! I've heard the whispers in my head that I'm not good enough, not spiritual enough, not organized enough, not smart enough (etc, etc) to be the wife, mom, teacher, friend that I need to be. And YES -- the great news is that we are not alone. Like the old Caedmon's Call song says, "my faith is like shifting sand, so I'll stand on grace". Grace is the only reason I'm still going. But isn't it great that we are blessed w/ husbands, friends, family who spur us on, give us wonderful examples, and humble us. So glad you are in my life, my friend!
You are wonderful! I hope this week has been smoother... P.S. I promise to take you to Sundance if you come visit ;)
I am loving your writing!!!
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