i don't know...

My mind is overflowing with thoughts and contradictions too overwhelming to put into words. With all of the questions darting around through my mind...the single answer that keeps rising up is...I don't know...I just don't know.

People amaze me and surprise me. In one day I can encounter people with amazing and godly gifts and talents that use them to edify and grow the Kingdom of God, people with Courage and Faith willing to step out and be authentic and vulnerable in order to grow in the Kingdom of God, and people that manipulate, judge and hurt those people that God calls His children and Heirs to His Kingdom. And yet, we are all one and the same because we are all God's children, cherished by the same Father who created us Fearfully and Wonderfully, loved dearly just because He wants to.

The bane of my existence right now is finding a way to feel worthy of that kind of love, to find fulfillment in the grace of that perfect love, accepting who I am and where I am, as I am, in this moment, knowing it's exactly who and where God wants me to be, and letting go of the perception of perfection of imperfect people. Something I have noticed is that I tend to put people up on a pedastal...think of them definitely higher and better than myself, even higher and better than they are. And I think of myself definitely less than others and probaby less than I am. Paralyzed by what people think...wanting to be better...to be more. Feeling "too much and not enough at the same time." How? Why? I don't know. I just don't know.

"What happened is that um, I kinda got this arcane glimpse of the universe and the best thing I can say about that is... I don't know."

-- Reality Bites

Lelaina: I just don’t understand why things just can’t go back to normal at the end of the half hour like on the Brady Bunch or something.
Troy: Well, ‘cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS. Things don’t turn out like that.
Lelaina: I was really gonna be something by the age of 23.
Troy: Honey, the only thing you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself.
Lelaina: I don’t know who that is anymore.
Troy: I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again but I love her.

-- Reality Bites

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."

-- Hope Floats

"Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come."

-- Under The Tuscan Sun

"Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me hear joy and gladness,
that the bones You have broken may
rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities...
For you do not desire sacrifice, or else I
would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
And broken and contrite heart --
These, O God, You will not despise."

-- Psalm 51

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us...For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But, if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance...And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

-- Romans 8