oh baby, it's a wild world...

Do you remember the time of making mixed tapes? I smile as I write this, because I fondly remember receiving mixed tapes from girlfriends and boyfriends. I recall making them as well. Up late at night, in my bedroom, planning the perfect soundtrack for the landscape of my heart (somehow it always included a little old school Beastie Boys -- it totally fit in, I am sure), trying to hit the pause button at the perfect time on the cassette recorder to diminish the sound of changing out the tapes on the recording. Ah, that sound brings me some comfort as I look back on the years to see how much has changed and look forward to the change ahead. Okay, so perhaps I am feeling slightly nostalgic.

I have been introduced to some really good music through these tapes that my friends so lovingly made for me: Bread, Styx, The Notre Dame Fight Song, They Might Be Giants, Drivin' and Crying', Erasure, Cream, Spin Doctors, Cat Stevens, and the Soup Dragons. There is not a time that I hear one of these songs that I am not immediately transported back in time, recalling the friendship, the laughter, the tears and where God has brought us each today.

One of these tapes had the song, "Wild World" by Cat Stevens. I was about to move from Alabama to Germany the summer before my Junior year in High School and just had the best year of my life (that's how it always was right before you move, right?). But, seriously, there was something really special and pure about that short year spent in Alabama and the friendships I made. Germany is a whole other long story, but like Alabama, was such a unique experience with such unique friendships that I know those two places and the relationships that I had there totally shaped the person I am today. In fact, every place I have lived and the relationships I had along the way has brought me to where and who I am right now.

I think of this Cat Stevens song now as Isabelle is about to start Kindergarten. I know it's not this huge step into the big "Wild World", but it's her first step into it. How much I have been praying for protection and preparation. For God to just put wonderful friendships along her path and to put a desire to love Him and serve Him all of her days. I have been praying for Nicholas and Becca too. For the past year, God has been working on me. And not just for me, but for me to be able to change and pass this change onto my children, by bringing it into my mothering and my marriage. Lately, Jonathan and I both feel that God is preparing us for something. I'm not sure what it is, but I know this whole year has been leading up to it.

As someone so eloquently put it, I am trying to find my true authentic self and feel confident and trust myself enough to present it to the world and not be overly concerned with others think or feel about it. It's a lot harder than it sounds. Mostly, because every time I am feeling strong in who I am and voice my opinion or my "authentic self" there has always been someone to tear it down and belittle it and I end up feeling "not enough and too much at the same time." To let go of being overly concerned with what others think or feel about me is really hard when you have spent most of your life trying to please others. And there is the nagging question, deep down in the depths of my soul...what if no one sees, accepts or wants my "true self?"

And why is it there are people that feel the need or authority to deem your heart, your worth, your identity, not enough...or wrong...or doesn't fit into the ideal or standard of which they think you should be living? This goes back to the "demand thinking." That they shouldn't be acting that way or saying these hurtful things, because I say so. Because, actually, this makes me just as judgemental and putting my standard of behavior on them, right? Hmmmm....How do you find the balance of confidence, but not judgement? Of realizing, within yourself, that their behavior isn't acceptable or right, but not letting it hurt, anger or affect you? To set up boundaries with people that aren't healthy for you, but remain open with Christ like love? Like I said, it's a lot harder than it sounds. But, for the first time in my life, I am at a point where I really want to find and be true to my authentic self that God created me to be and let go of the standards and opinions of others, for truly the only standard and opinion that matters is that of my Heavenly Father.

"Wild World" by Cat Stevens

Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

[Chorus:]Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

[Chorus]

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

[Chorus]