under construction...

I am a woman under construction. A work in progress. God is doing some work in me and I have to be honest that it hasn't been easy (that last blog probably didn't give that away, eh?). But, I also don't regret this struggle because I know that as He carries me through it, I will grow to be a more whole person in Him and bring Him glory on the other side of this struggle. There will be other struggles to come and maybe even more of this same one, but I live right now in the hope that as I grow, my walk will become stronger, the struggles easier, the path straighter, and the answers more clear.

Does everyone else struggle like this? Sometimes I feel like I am the only one. Then I have conversations with other women and I realize that I am not alone in this struggle of being and becoming. The struggle for me is and always has been insecurity...being too much and not enough at the same time...that who I am and what I have to offer is not enough or right...I have realized that I am a 31 year old woman that has spent most of her life trying to be who and what I thought others wanted...trying to please. Always measuring myself compared to everyone else. How is it ever possible to measure up? All this does is diminish me, my heart and my confidence of anything I might have to offer. I know as Christians, we should be held to a higher standard...the whole world is watching. I know as Christians, we should be held accountable. Heck, I think everyone should be held accountable. Most people are too busy trying to find something or someone else to blame than to take the time to be held accountable for their own behavior and choices. But, I am my own harshest critic and I usually don't need judgement, criticism or a guilt trip to feel that I should be doing better and more than I am.

I guess what I am trying to say is...as women, shouldn't we be in this thing together? It's hard enough as it is. Being a mom is hard. Being a wife is hard. Most days I wonder if I am doing either one well enough. I think most women don't feel like they have all the answers and have it all together, yet spend so much time pretending that they do. What if we were all just a little more honest...a little more vulnerable...a little more authentic? We could encourage and edify...not judge, compete, compare and tear down. The book, Captiviting, references the "striving woman"...the woman who is always trying harder and working harder...to be and do better. This woman is never at rest and puts her standard on everyone else. She is saying, "I cannot accept you the way you are, you need to work harder and be more. Your heart is not safe here because I am not willing to reveal mine." “Earnestness is not by any means everything; it is very often a subtle form of pious pride because it is obsessed with the method and not with the Master.” (Oswald Chambers). Or we could be the woman with a beauty to unveil...a woman who rests in Christ and offers that beauty and rest to other women...offering the grace to be and the room to become. I know this is the kind of woman I desire to become. I want other women to see my true heart and true beauty that I have to offer...I want to offer the grace and room to other women to do the same. How can we reflect Christ's image when we're too busy trying to present a certain image of perfection? He was perfect, but we are not. Nor will we ever be in this lifetime...no matter how hard we try. And how utterly exhausting and defeating to live our lives trying to attain such a lofty goal that is completely unattainable. We may experience glimpses and moments of feeling like we have it all together or we are exactly who and where we were made to be or that we are at the top of the hill on this roller coaster ride of life. Because we're never going to stay there...if we are growing, learning, changing and being led by the Holy Spirit. But, the best we can offer in these moments is not advice or telling other women how to do it. The best we can offer is a word of encouragement...the Word...hope...love...mercy...a glimpse of God reflected in the heart facing them. The best we can do is reflect who we truly are...who He made us to be. That is what we have to offer.

"Am I lovely? Do you delight in me? Do I have a beauty to offer?" These are questions that Captivating poses that a woman brings into the world, carried in her heart, put there by God. "How have these questions been answered for you?" the book questions and carries you on a journey of self-exploration, observation and realization. Change can only begin with self-observation. I think most people are too busy looking at others and what they need to work on than taking the time to look at themselves...a long, hard, honest look. I realize now that I have looked to everyone else to answer these questions for me. I have received a myriad of answers. Some lovely...others not so much. Why is it I can hear ten nice, encouraging and loving things, but take the one negative comment to heart and carry it with me forever? The only voice I should listen to is the only voice that matters...God. Nobody can fulfill us, but the One who made us. Knowing that...why is it so hard? I have had some friendships in my life that have not been healthy and have been hurtful. But, God is so gracious and so good, because He has always protected me and provided women and friendships that were nurturing, encouraging, inspiring and such an amazing example of who He is. He put these women in my path, both past and present, and I am so thankful and grateful to Him for them. See, women can be amazing! I think God meant for us to be amazing. Life-givers. Life-savers. Nurturers. Merciful. Loving. Relational. Women are heart. And I am so blessed to have women in my life who love the Lord with all of their heart. Women who live with and through their heart and help me to feel safe and accepted to do the same...because from our hearts flows the well spring of life.

We don't know enough about each other's hurts, fears, brokenness and hearts to be so careless. To be anything but gentle and grace-giving. I heard someone say something to the affect that in both our reward and in our lacking that we should find ourselves being the beloved. Wow. You mean, even when I am not good enough...even when I am messing up and lacking, I am still loved? Even more than that...I am still loveable? I don't know why that is so hard for me to get. Because, we should abide in that....I want to abide in that. In good times and bad, He loves us. In our successes and our struggles, He remains the same. In joy and pain, He is the ever constant light and restoration. He never lets go. The fact is that none of us are good enough, deserving enough to receive salvation...redemption. That's exactly what mercy is...getting what we don't deserve or not getting what we deserve. None of us are worthy enough. We shouldn't spend our time here trying to overcome that by trying to prove our worth. That's why there was a cross. We have received grace. So we can offer grace.

My hope is to find my security and identity in Christ alone. My hope is to eventually stop listening to the harsh voices of striving and critical spirits and start listening to my Father's voice of mercy, grace, love and delight. My hope is to have more days where I feel like I am who and where He wants to be than not. My hope is in the Lord.

Only You by David Crowder Band

Take my heart, I Lay it down
At the feet of you whose crowned
Take my life, I’m letting go
I lift it up to You who’s throned

And I will worship You, Lord
Only You, Lord
And I will bow down before You
Only You Lord

Take my fret, take my fear
All I have, I’m leaving here
Be all my hopes, be all my dreams
Be all my delights, be my everything

And It’s just you and me here now
Only you and me here now
You should see the view
When it’s only You