have a little faith in me...

I am doing Beth Moore's Daniel bible study for the 2nd time. I did it over 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Becca. I love doing my homework and comparing my current answers with my answers from 2 years ago. Fortunately, I do detect a deeper sense of understanding, a different and fresh perspective and maturity that the past 2 years have brought. Unfortunately, I still see that some of my issues and struggles of insecurity and low-self esteem are the same. I may have made progress, but I still have so far to go. I'm not who I am meant to be yet, but at least I am not who I was. That's the whole point, right? Even Beth (yes, I feel as though we are on a first name basis...after all, she does refer to me as "beloved") says that we will never reach perfection in this lifetime. Of course she says it...scripture says it. It is only when we are called home to our Father...when we run into his arms and see Him face to face will our faith be perfected.

Doing this study is like reading a fabulous book to me. I just want to tell everyone about it. I think my husband and my small group are so annoyed with me because I want to share what I have gleamed and learned...a lot. It's timely and it's God speaking directly into my heart. And it's exciting. I want a firm and resolved faith like Daniel...and I wouldn't mind a heart like David's and a love and devotion like John's to go along with it.

We are so blessed with Jonathan's job. He got it in God's perfect timing. We learned a lot during that time of waiting. And, he is happy. It's longer hours and half of his previous pay, but he is a man that comes home happy. And that's worth a lot. And I truly believe that God is using this new salary to challenge us to see where our hearts and priorities are. What's truly important? What lasts? Did you know that if you can afford to buy a book and have the education to read a book, you are richer than the majority of the people in the world?

I have also been feeling Him speaking this to me about our schedules and how we spend our time. What are we doing that will be eternal? My relationship with God. Praying for my husband and my children is eternal. My friendships. Ministering to the hurts and emotional wounds of others. Listening to others people's stories. Sharing mine. Giving God all of the glory. I am so excited (when I am not stressed sorting through coupons at the grocery store or wondering where the time went) to see what God will do with our obedience and trust to His will and provisions.

It takes resolve to make it in this "Babylonian" culture. Without resolve, we will lose our identity and integrity in our over-indulgent, self-absorbed and permissible culture, Beth teaches. "Whether or not we are conscious of it, you and I are daily being indoctrinated and 'trained' by our culture...God wants us to recognize the critical priority of deliberate training in godliness." It's also a choice. In a culture where we are given 7-10 different choices just when we order our coffee, it's a choice whose voice we listen to. Is it the magazine rack? Hollywood? Neighbors? Friends? Or the only One whose voice matters? If our relationship is right with the Lord and we are listening to only his voice...no one else's matters. And, just like the three thrown into the fiery furnace, we don't have to defend our choice to anyone. We only have to answer to God. Whew...I know that's not a new concept to anyone, but for someone that worries about what other people think entirely to much, it was such a relief.

Beth talks about how our unresolved sin and untreated weaknesses leave a foothold for the enemy. We can either deal with our "stuff" with God or our "stuff" will deal with us...and the enemy will use it against us...any chance he can get. I am trying to deal with my stuff...for my walk, for God's hand print to be all over me, for my marriage, for my children and for my friendships. Hurt people, hurt people. Because, when we haven't dealt, we are just the walking wounded leaving a trail of hurt in our wake. And, like Celebrate Recovery says, "God never wastes a hurt" (when we deal with it, that is). Beth talks about how grateful she is for her two humble daughters "who will risk people knowing they're imperfect in order to minister." I love that. LOVE it! But, why is it a risk? None of us are perfect, so why is it taking such a gamble to take off the mask and be our vulnerable, imperfect, authentic selves? "What do we do with the grace we've received? We start by ripping off the labels we've placed on others who are different than us. Not just having, but showing mercy."

Who and what would I be without Jesus? I would be a mess. I remember reading "Get Out of the Pit" by Beth. Her husband had been ministering to someone on the phone. When he was done, with a heavy heart, he asked her, "Who would I have been if things had been different? If I had made different choices?" She paused and says the Holy Spirit must have spoken through her because she could never have thought to say it on her own and responded, "You are a much neater person healed than you would have been well."

This is why I would like a little Beth Moore to put in my pocket and carry her around all day.