Well, I am having a hard time putting my thoughts together...there are so many and I am so tired. And while I feel a bit melancholy in spirit and pondering in thought, I will be brief and hopefully make some sense. I read the book Breathe this summer and was so fired up about it. Now, it is mid-November and once again my calendar is full, my husband is frustrated with my inability to say no, and I am not sure how it happened. I feel overwhelmed with how much we have going on, but I don't see another way around it...everything seems like a yes. So, I bought the book Boundaries. This is a book that has been brought up to me several time...finally, I thought....hmmm...maybe I should read it. I am only into the 2nd chapter, but it's supposed to answer the question of how can I be a loving Christ like person and set boundaries or say no to someone? How do I handle the feelings of guilt or fear? I am beginning to realize that my saying yes isn't always Christlike. Sometimes it's out of fear or out of pride. A fear of being left out or forgotten. A pride of being needed or being wanted. Perhaps even accepted or loved.
This also connects with the bible study that I am loving right now...No Other Gods. This week's homework was on having people as idols. I so do that. My security, my identity is found in my relationships and what I think others think of me. That makes me really sad. No wonder I have had so many unhealthy relationships and still struggle with my worth in them. I don't think other people struggle like I do. They all seem to have it figured out. They are comfortable with who they are and don't need anyone's approval. Perhaps that is me being prideful and negatively self-focused (I do have a tendency to do that, you know). I can't imagine what goes through my mind or what makes my hurt ache, makes others respond the same way. But, I am working on it. However, it's hard not to feel defective, broken, when you realize you have so many things to work on.
I read Philippians last night. I am trying to remember where my focus needs to be...on God. On a perfect God that loves me. He loves me so much that He gave me new life that should be free of shame and worry. I am trying to remember that I can have joy in all circumstances. And I am not there yet...I have not arrived, as Paul said. It is a process that we have to work through and keep our eyes focused on the One who will get us there. He invites us to make ourselves at home in His love. Wow...at home in His love...His perfect love. "Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." Phil 4:6-7 (The Message).
So, while I never feel good enough for others, and my laundry is done but I will have to do it again tomorrow, and my baby girl is sick with the croup, and our schedule continues to get more and more out of control, I will choose. I will choose joy. I will choose to pray instead of worry. I will choose the love and acceptance that I have instead of striving and seeking for the ones that I think I need. I will choose the Voice of Truth in the midst of the noise. I will choose Him.
2 comments:
I know how you feel, Jenn! As I read your post, I thought I'd share something my friend Tarah said at Bible study tonight.
In the context of studying Jehovah-Shalom ("The Lord Is Peace"), we read Philippians 4:6-7. Tarah pointed out that "Be anxious for nothing" is not merely something we hope will happen to us someday (as in, "Maybe if I pray hard enough I'll eventually stop worrying so much…"); it's a command. “Stop being anxious.” Or as the CEV puts it, “Don’t worry about anything.” It’s something we either choose to obey—or not. And the result of our choice is either peace (rest, wholeness) or anxiety (extreme unease).
Life seems to offer endless opportunities to obey this command, doesn’t it? Every day, I have to choose not to worry about our kids. Choose not to be anxious about our finances. Choose not to fret when our oldest child goes off to school. Choose not to worry about what others think about us as we passionately pursue God’s call on our lives.
It’s certainly not easy. And I admit to giving in to worry (what Chuck Swindoll dubs “the most socially acceptable sin”) at times, especially when it comes to my kids. But when I do make that choice, as you talked about in your blog, then I am finally able to experience the peace, wholeness, and rest that come from trusting God—the peace that truly passes understanding.
Praying for you and sweet Becca tonight!
Love your last paragraph. Life is hard and although we live it, it's actually not about us... it's about Him. Many times when we feel the need to say yes it's mearly just a human feeling, like you stated, to feel accepted or loved etc. but when our lives are about Him and saying yes (no matter the ministry focus) takes away from our relationship with God, family, etc. it then becomes about us. I love to say no (now...not always!!!) and I'm surging the adrenaline rush that comes with it towards you to TX. It's a great word :)
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