Do you remember the time of making mixed tapes? I smile as I write this, because I fondly remember receiving mixed tapes from girlfriends and boyfriends. I recall making them as well. Up late at night, in my bedroom, planning the perfect soundtrack for the landscape of my heart (somehow it always included a little old school Beastie Boys -- it totally fit in, I am sure), trying to hit the pause button at the perfect time on the cassette recorder to diminish the sound of changing out the tapes on the recording. Ah, that sound brings me some comfort as I look back on the years to see how much has changed and look forward to the change ahead. Okay, so perhaps I am feeling slightly nostalgic.
I have been introduced to some really good music through these tapes that my friends so lovingly made for me: Bread, Styx, The Notre Dame Fight Song, They Might Be Giants, Drivin' and Crying', Erasure, Cream, Spin Doctors, Cat Stevens, and the Soup Dragons. There is not a time that I hear one of these songs that I am not immediately transported back in time, recalling the friendship, the laughter, the tears and where God has brought us each today.
One of these tapes had the song, "Wild World" by Cat Stevens. I was about to move from Alabama to Germany the summer before my Junior year in High School and just had the best year of my life (that's how it always was right before you move, right?). But, seriously, there was something really special and pure about that short year spent in Alabama and the friendships I made. Germany is a whole other long story, but like Alabama, was such a unique experience with such unique friendships that I know those two places and the relationships that I had there totally shaped the person I am today. In fact, every place I have lived and the relationships I had along the way has brought me to where and who I am right now.
I think of this Cat Stevens song now as Isabelle is about to start Kindergarten. I know it's not this huge step into the big "Wild World", but it's her first step into it. How much I have been praying for protection and preparation. For God to just put wonderful friendships along her path and to put a desire to love Him and serve Him all of her days. I have been praying for Nicholas and Becca too. For the past year, God has been working on me. And not just for me, but for me to be able to change and pass this change onto my children, by bringing it into my mothering and my marriage. Lately, Jonathan and I both feel that God is preparing us for something. I'm not sure what it is, but I know this whole year has been leading up to it.
As someone so eloquently put it, I am trying to find my true authentic self and feel confident and trust myself enough to present it to the world and not be overly concerned with others think or feel about it. It's a lot harder than it sounds. Mostly, because every time I am feeling strong in who I am and voice my opinion or my "authentic self" there has always been someone to tear it down and belittle it and I end up feeling "not enough and too much at the same time." To let go of being overly concerned with what others think or feel about me is really hard when you have spent most of your life trying to please others. And there is the nagging question, deep down in the depths of my soul...what if no one sees, accepts or wants my "true self?"
And why is it there are people that feel the need or authority to deem your heart, your worth, your identity, not enough...or wrong...or doesn't fit into the ideal or standard of which they think you should be living? This goes back to the "demand thinking." That they shouldn't be acting that way or saying these hurtful things, because I say so. Because, actually, this makes me just as judgemental and putting my standard of behavior on them, right? Hmmmm....How do you find the balance of confidence, but not judgement? Of realizing, within yourself, that their behavior isn't acceptable or right, but not letting it hurt, anger or affect you? To set up boundaries with people that aren't healthy for you, but remain open with Christ like love? Like I said, it's a lot harder than it sounds. But, for the first time in my life, I am at a point where I really want to find and be true to my authentic self that God created me to be and let go of the standards and opinions of others, for truly the only standard and opinion that matters is that of my Heavenly Father.
"Wild World" by Cat Stevens
Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there
[Chorus:]Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl
You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
[Chorus]
Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware
[Chorus]
Friday, May 23, 2008
Thursday, May 22, 2008
We have had a busy time as of late. Dance Team Tryouts, Recital, End of PreSchool Activities, Birthday Parties, Kindergarten Registration (sigh), PreSchool Graduation (bigger sigh), Becca is crawling (it counts even if she is on one knee and up on one foot to push off, right?), Becca is cutting 4 top teeth all at once, Allergies, Financial Peace University (this budget thing is really putting a cramp on my needing new clothes!), Nicky is still struggling with major nighttime separation anxiety...actually separation anxiety all the time (is that even possible at almost 4?), Planning Nicky's Swim-Superman-Batman-Birthday Party, Getting ready for Swim Lessons, Bible Study, Vacation Bible Schools, Vacations and preparing for Kindergarten. And that's just the Summer. I don't think there is actually enough time for everything! Here are some pictures of Recital, the kids and Graduation. 
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
boundaries...
Isn't it amazing when God answers a specific prayer?? I have been praying for something specifically...not even a huge request in the long scheme of life's big picture...but, He heard and He answered. I have to be honest to say it makes me feel significant, visible and loved. And isn't that something we all need to feel from time to time? To feel significant...to feel as though we matter. To be seen and heard...especially by those we love. And to be loved...even when we are unlovable. Praise God!
I also have been praying for preparation and protection for Isabelle and our family as we begin this new journey in her life. For God to just surround us with people and friends that will encourage and lift us up. To place people and friends in our lives that will help set the example of the life we are trying to live. We watched Juno the other night...and although humorous, it scared me to death. The mind of a mother can be a very scary thing and it does not take much for it to go to scary places. I realize the importance of parents in a child's life, but I also realize the influence of the friends in their life. I was so blessed with the friends that God put in my path along my journey. I still am blessed with wonderful and amazing friendships. I pray for the same kind of friends for my children as they start their own journey in life. Good and Godly friendships that will help them keep their path straights and be extensions of how we live at home.
Because for every wonderful relationship I have had, I have had hurtful ones. Mostly by my own poor choices. If I could spare the hurt for Isabelle, for all of my children, I would. I know some hurt in life is inevitable, but it's just unfortunate. However, I am at a place in my life where all of the hurt is really producing positive change...and through change...blessings. Isn't that the point of hurt anyway? If we do nothing with it, then we went through the pain for nothing. When we should be taking our experiences and learning, growing, changing, healing and sharing the grace we received to give hope to others that may face the same hurts. To show people God through our change...to produce fruit.
The fact is there are hurtful people in the world. And not just in the world, but in our churches, in our communities, in our friendships and in our families. And while we need to offer understanding, compassion and Christ-like love, as most often they are hurtful people because they themselves are hurting, we also to need to establish healthy boundaries. Christ-like love does not translate into being a doormat...to accepting unacceptable behavior. This has been a very hard lesson learned for me. I am 31 years old and just now realize that I need to have boundaries with people, especially hurtful people. Especially hurtful people that don't recognize they are hurtful, see no need for them to change, find their problems are always other people's fault and take no responsibility or accountability for their part. The balance I am seeking is offering the compassion without having a relationship that is self-destructive for me.
The week was a good one. The recital was a success. Becca found that she loves to dance and clap to music...all night. Nicky discovered that once his big sister was done dancing that "this is not fun" anymore. I will post pictures later.
Choices Through Recovery:
Choice of attention - to pay attention to this and ignore that - is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, a man is responsible for his choice and must accept the consequences.--W. H. AudenMany of us have said, "I can't help myself!" when we tried to stop our constant thinking about other people or their behavior. "I know it's not good for me, but what can I do when they keep acting that way?"Let us think of ourselves as living in a house with many windows. At each window is a different view, and within each view are many things to catch our attention -- perhaps there are some people, some traffic, some buildings, a horizon, and some trees. If we always go to the same window and focus on the same object, we are not using all our choices. We may have overlooked some things in our lives that need attention. There are many things we are totally powerless over. Our power exists in changing the focus of our attention.
I also have been praying for preparation and protection for Isabelle and our family as we begin this new journey in her life. For God to just surround us with people and friends that will encourage and lift us up. To place people and friends in our lives that will help set the example of the life we are trying to live. We watched Juno the other night...and although humorous, it scared me to death. The mind of a mother can be a very scary thing and it does not take much for it to go to scary places. I realize the importance of parents in a child's life, but I also realize the influence of the friends in their life. I was so blessed with the friends that God put in my path along my journey. I still am blessed with wonderful and amazing friendships. I pray for the same kind of friends for my children as they start their own journey in life. Good and Godly friendships that will help them keep their path straights and be extensions of how we live at home.
Because for every wonderful relationship I have had, I have had hurtful ones. Mostly by my own poor choices. If I could spare the hurt for Isabelle, for all of my children, I would. I know some hurt in life is inevitable, but it's just unfortunate. However, I am at a place in my life where all of the hurt is really producing positive change...and through change...blessings. Isn't that the point of hurt anyway? If we do nothing with it, then we went through the pain for nothing. When we should be taking our experiences and learning, growing, changing, healing and sharing the grace we received to give hope to others that may face the same hurts. To show people God through our change...to produce fruit.
The fact is there are hurtful people in the world. And not just in the world, but in our churches, in our communities, in our friendships and in our families. And while we need to offer understanding, compassion and Christ-like love, as most often they are hurtful people because they themselves are hurting, we also to need to establish healthy boundaries. Christ-like love does not translate into being a doormat...to accepting unacceptable behavior. This has been a very hard lesson learned for me. I am 31 years old and just now realize that I need to have boundaries with people, especially hurtful people. Especially hurtful people that don't recognize they are hurtful, see no need for them to change, find their problems are always other people's fault and take no responsibility or accountability for their part. The balance I am seeking is offering the compassion without having a relationship that is self-destructive for me.
The week was a good one. The recital was a success. Becca found that she loves to dance and clap to music...all night. Nicky discovered that once his big sister was done dancing that "this is not fun" anymore. I will post pictures later.
Choices Through Recovery:
Choice of attention - to pay attention to this and ignore that - is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, a man is responsible for his choice and must accept the consequences.--W. H. AudenMany of us have said, "I can't help myself!" when we tried to stop our constant thinking about other people or their behavior. "I know it's not good for me, but what can I do when they keep acting that way?"Let us think of ourselves as living in a house with many windows. At each window is a different view, and within each view are many things to catch our attention -- perhaps there are some people, some traffic, some buildings, a horizon, and some trees. If we always go to the same window and focus on the same object, we are not using all our choices. We may have overlooked some things in our lives that need attention. There are many things we are totally powerless over. Our power exists in changing the focus of our attention.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
tidbits...
I am officially caught up with laundry!! And bless my heart...I even did my husband's!! In fact, everything is washed, folded, hung up and put away. If only all of these people in my family would quit getting their clothes dirty, I could revel in this peace for a little longer.
We have actually finished our budget and have even put it into practice and place. We will see how it goes.
The kids had their Family Fun Night on Monday. Isabelle had a performance with her class and she did great! Wow, she is growing up. She showed me her journal from class and every page is a drawing of her and Emma. What are they going to do next year with so many changes? I pray that their friendship continues and grows. They are such good friends. And I love her parents. Marla is one of my dearest (and sanest) friends. And Nicky's going to marry Audrey, Emma's younger sister, so it would honestly just make things a lot easier...
You know it's getting late in the night when even the kids are saying they are tired and want to go home. We made it home in bed by 9:30 pm. Even Becca stayed awake until the last possible second...and we all are still recovering.
Nicky refuses to sleep in his bed. He is going through some horrible fears of the dark and of werewolves, coyotes and basically anything scary that comes out at night. We even leave his nightstand lamp on and even that is no longer working. Jonathan came up with the great idea of putting those glow in dark stars on his ceiling. He even got him a lamp that puts the solar system and constellations all over the ceiling and walls. Nicholas was so amazed and excited. He and Izzy pretended they were astronauts and made a space station out of pillows and blankets and several lucky stuffed animals in his room. It was a great succes...the first night. We are back to the drawing board...and suffering from the lack of sleep in the process.
Isabelle has her recital this Saturday. It will be a busy weekend. Looking forward to things slowing down...I think that should be in 2026!
Becca is trying to crawl. Oh boy...And I believe she is cutting another tooth.
I will try to remember to be a good mom and bring my camera to the recital this weekend. It will be an even more amazing feat if I actually download them and post them to the blog...but, I will try.
We have actually finished our budget and have even put it into practice and place. We will see how it goes.
The kids had their Family Fun Night on Monday. Isabelle had a performance with her class and she did great! Wow, she is growing up. She showed me her journal from class and every page is a drawing of her and Emma. What are they going to do next year with so many changes? I pray that their friendship continues and grows. They are such good friends. And I love her parents. Marla is one of my dearest (and sanest) friends. And Nicky's going to marry Audrey, Emma's younger sister, so it would honestly just make things a lot easier...
You know it's getting late in the night when even the kids are saying they are tired and want to go home. We made it home in bed by 9:30 pm. Even Becca stayed awake until the last possible second...and we all are still recovering.
Nicky refuses to sleep in his bed. He is going through some horrible fears of the dark and of werewolves, coyotes and basically anything scary that comes out at night. We even leave his nightstand lamp on and even that is no longer working. Jonathan came up with the great idea of putting those glow in dark stars on his ceiling. He even got him a lamp that puts the solar system and constellations all over the ceiling and walls. Nicholas was so amazed and excited. He and Izzy pretended they were astronauts and made a space station out of pillows and blankets and several lucky stuffed animals in his room. It was a great succes...the first night. We are back to the drawing board...and suffering from the lack of sleep in the process.
Isabelle has her recital this Saturday. It will be a busy weekend. Looking forward to things slowing down...I think that should be in 2026!
Becca is trying to crawl. Oh boy...And I believe she is cutting another tooth.
I will try to remember to be a good mom and bring my camera to the recital this weekend. It will be an even more amazing feat if I actually download them and post them to the blog...but, I will try.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
all of this...and more
Isabelle tried our for the Pre-Team Dance Team for 5-7 year olds this past Saturday and she made it! Well, I should say, they all automatically make it for this age group, but still...she is very excited! We went with our friends, The Rices, whose eldest daughter is Izzy's "long lost sister" (in fact, Isabelle informs me at least once a month that she is going to go live with Emma and Mrs. Marla!) to Culver's to celebrate with ice cream.
We moved on from there to our LIFE Group picnic at one of the local parks. We grilled hot dogs, watched the kids run around and play until dusk and even saw a couple of really big lizards. Isabelle and Emma were invited to a sleep over that night with 2 other girls that made the team. The both lasted the whole night -- no 12 am call asking to come pick her up. In fact, they were the last 2 to fall asleep! Mrs. Brandee let them make their own mini pizzas, make a "party" hat and flower pot craft, play the Wii and watch High School Musical. Mrs. Brandee is like so many other of my women friends who are so creative and talented...putting the rest of us slacker moms to shame!
Needless to say we suffered melt down after meltdown on Sunday after church due to lack of sleep, exhaustion and impatience...and the kids were pretty whiny too! :)
Our new washer and dryer come tomorrow! While I am excited to catch up on laundry once again (have I mentioned that I abhor laundry?), I will no longer have an excuse to not do it! My mom is flying in on Saturday to spend a week. My parents just returned from a 3 week Greek cruise (the nice life of retired living, eh?). Isabelle and Nicholas have a Family Fun Night for school Monday night and Isabelle has her dance recital Mother's Day weekend. Not only will we get some quality mom-daughter, Nana-kiddos time, but my Ma also seems to know just what to say and just what to do to help me out. Whether it's a pep talk or a hug or watching the kids or folding clothes (again, I abhor laundry), Ma always knows best. I hope and pray that I can be that and more for my kids when they grow up.
We are doing the Financial Peace University through our church. I would recommend it to everyone and anyone -- no matter where you are with your finances. Very practical and realistic advice on how to manage your money. I have to brag about my husband here for a second. I always want to call that out when I do it, because I probably don't give him the props that he deserves often enough. Organization, scheduling, order, managing money (putting up clothes or lifting the toilet seat...by why go on and on?) are not on the top of his priority list. He usually defers to me on those things. But, he is really trying. He knows that while he is content to be a free spirit and never make a list in his life, that having some structure and order keeps me sane. In fact, I am one of those neurotic list makers that actually adds something to the list if I did it and it wasn't orginally on there...just so I can check it off. Yes, it is a sickness. But, I can only work on one neurosis at a time. He is really trying to be supportive and help me figure out a way to find balance. What a wonderful husband.
A new concept was presented to me: Our outside circumstances or life situations do not cause our feelings. Our thoughts cause our feelings. Wow. I have been trying to get my mind around this for about a week now. In some situations, it makes perfect sense. If you are scared of heights and go up in a tall and open building, you may feel anxious and fearful. However, since everyone does not feel the same way about it...it was not the experience that caused you to feel anxious or fearful...it was your perception of the experience. It's just in how you processed your thoughts about it that lead to your feelings. Okay, I get that.
But, when I try to use it in a personal example, like when somebody says something that really hurt your feelings, it's harder to apply. According to this theory, they didn't hurt your feelings. In fact, people can't hurt your feelings. It is what you thought about what they said that lead to your hurt feelings. "That hurt my feelings because they said or acted in a way that wasn't acceptable to me." So, if you think about it that way, the hurt and the anger should go away. Okay, I have been trying, but I have to be honest...I still feel like they hurt my feelings!
It is a new concept and a whole new way of thinking for me. On one hand, it gives me hope that this will help battle and overcome my struggle with insecurities and anxiety. On the other, learning a whole new way of thinking seems very overwhelming.
I wonder if there is a theory about "PMS" (Post-Mommy Syndrome). Okay, I just made that up...but I think it's worthy of consideration. I think my hormones changed drastically after I had Isabelle, my first. And honestly, I think they have changed drastically after each child...and have never gone back to normal!! After each pregnancy, my hair has gotten less and less curly. After each pregnancy, I have become more tired, worried, impatient and emotional. After each pregnancy, I PMS worse and have worse cycles (sorry if that is TMI!). In fact, just the other day I told my husband that I was having a hard time with PMS this time. My wonderful, supportive husband responded lovingly and honestly that the whole family was having a hard time with my PMS! But, he also sent me this:
The Key that Unlocks the Door to Happiness
By Buddy T from the Big Book of AA
It seems almost too simple to be true, but acceptance -- accepting things exactly as they are -- can be the key that unlocks the door to happiness.It may be one of the most referenced passages in recovery literature. It's from Page 449 of Alcoholics Anonymous or as it is widely known:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance! The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact. Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior."
Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey. I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse. I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were. Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.
We moved on from there to our LIFE Group picnic at one of the local parks. We grilled hot dogs, watched the kids run around and play until dusk and even saw a couple of really big lizards. Isabelle and Emma were invited to a sleep over that night with 2 other girls that made the team. The both lasted the whole night -- no 12 am call asking to come pick her up. In fact, they were the last 2 to fall asleep! Mrs. Brandee let them make their own mini pizzas, make a "party" hat and flower pot craft, play the Wii and watch High School Musical. Mrs. Brandee is like so many other of my women friends who are so creative and talented...putting the rest of us slacker moms to shame!
Needless to say we suffered melt down after meltdown on Sunday after church due to lack of sleep, exhaustion and impatience...and the kids were pretty whiny too! :)
Our new washer and dryer come tomorrow! While I am excited to catch up on laundry once again (have I mentioned that I abhor laundry?), I will no longer have an excuse to not do it! My mom is flying in on Saturday to spend a week. My parents just returned from a 3 week Greek cruise (the nice life of retired living, eh?). Isabelle and Nicholas have a Family Fun Night for school Monday night and Isabelle has her dance recital Mother's Day weekend. Not only will we get some quality mom-daughter, Nana-kiddos time, but my Ma also seems to know just what to say and just what to do to help me out. Whether it's a pep talk or a hug or watching the kids or folding clothes (again, I abhor laundry), Ma always knows best. I hope and pray that I can be that and more for my kids when they grow up.
We are doing the Financial Peace University through our church. I would recommend it to everyone and anyone -- no matter where you are with your finances. Very practical and realistic advice on how to manage your money. I have to brag about my husband here for a second. I always want to call that out when I do it, because I probably don't give him the props that he deserves often enough. Organization, scheduling, order, managing money (putting up clothes or lifting the toilet seat...by why go on and on?) are not on the top of his priority list. He usually defers to me on those things. But, he is really trying. He knows that while he is content to be a free spirit and never make a list in his life, that having some structure and order keeps me sane. In fact, I am one of those neurotic list makers that actually adds something to the list if I did it and it wasn't orginally on there...just so I can check it off. Yes, it is a sickness. But, I can only work on one neurosis at a time. He is really trying to be supportive and help me figure out a way to find balance. What a wonderful husband.
A new concept was presented to me: Our outside circumstances or life situations do not cause our feelings. Our thoughts cause our feelings. Wow. I have been trying to get my mind around this for about a week now. In some situations, it makes perfect sense. If you are scared of heights and go up in a tall and open building, you may feel anxious and fearful. However, since everyone does not feel the same way about it...it was not the experience that caused you to feel anxious or fearful...it was your perception of the experience. It's just in how you processed your thoughts about it that lead to your feelings. Okay, I get that.
But, when I try to use it in a personal example, like when somebody says something that really hurt your feelings, it's harder to apply. According to this theory, they didn't hurt your feelings. In fact, people can't hurt your feelings. It is what you thought about what they said that lead to your hurt feelings. "That hurt my feelings because they said or acted in a way that wasn't acceptable to me." So, if you think about it that way, the hurt and the anger should go away. Okay, I have been trying, but I have to be honest...I still feel like they hurt my feelings!
It is a new concept and a whole new way of thinking for me. On one hand, it gives me hope that this will help battle and overcome my struggle with insecurities and anxiety. On the other, learning a whole new way of thinking seems very overwhelming.
I wonder if there is a theory about "PMS" (Post-Mommy Syndrome). Okay, I just made that up...but I think it's worthy of consideration. I think my hormones changed drastically after I had Isabelle, my first. And honestly, I think they have changed drastically after each child...and have never gone back to normal!! After each pregnancy, my hair has gotten less and less curly. After each pregnancy, I have become more tired, worried, impatient and emotional. After each pregnancy, I PMS worse and have worse cycles (sorry if that is TMI!). In fact, just the other day I told my husband that I was having a hard time with PMS this time. My wonderful, supportive husband responded lovingly and honestly that the whole family was having a hard time with my PMS! But, he also sent me this:
The Key that Unlocks the Door to Happiness
By Buddy T from the Big Book of AA
It seems almost too simple to be true, but acceptance -- accepting things exactly as they are -- can be the key that unlocks the door to happiness.It may be one of the most referenced passages in recovery literature. It's from Page 449 of Alcoholics Anonymous or as it is widely known:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance! The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact. Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior."
Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey. I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse. I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were. Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
baby steps...
I looked at my calendar yesterday and noticed that there are only 6 weeks left of school. SIX weeks! That means summer will be here and then...kindergarten. I realize that kindergarten may not sound like such a big deal, but it seems like that way to me right now. I feel like it is going to be a big life change for not only my first born (Could I possibly have a child in kindergarten? When did that happen?), but for me.
Even Jonathan seems to be a little overwhelmed by the prospect. He was asking me the other day, "So she goes to school from 7:40 to 2:40?" Pause. "Every day?" Exactly.
I have no doubt that Isabelle is ready and will do great in kindergarten. I am expecting the usual transition issues, but I know she will end up loving it. However, my daughter seems to bounce back and forth between being excited to refusing to go. Oh dear. I love her, God is so not calling me to homeschooling.
Yesterday she kept following me around saying that she was going to go where ever I go. We had to make a run to Home Depot last night (all that catching up on laundry that the washer and dryer went out!) and on the way home she was asking why I lived away from Nana and Papa and if everyone that got married had to move away from their mommy and daddy and if so, she didn't want to get married. Jonathan informed her that she could live with us forever. Oh my heart.
I have read that being a good parent is raising your child to not need you when they grow up. What they neglect to add is how hard that is. I know I shouldn't be looking too far into the future, but it seems like we are taking the first steps into independence and our first big change. It is all very overwhelming to me right now.
Not to mention there seems to be some of what I refer to as "crazy moms" out there. I have encountered "crazy moms" even before the kindergarten world and it seems to get worse once they are actually in school. I am so not ready or at a place in my life where I can handle "crazy mom syndrome" in a healthy way right now. I am working on it and hope to make some progress before Izzy starts school to have more confidence and security in my identity in Christ that the "crazy mom syndrome" won't affect me so much...cause me to falter, doubt and not trust myself. To have complete righteous confidence in who God created me to be and the path He has set before me. To trust that and not waver from it.
I am really bad about "comparing every one's outsides to my insides" as they say in recovery. After 3 years you would think I would have stopped it. "Just Stop It!" But, I have to remind myself...progress, not perfection. It's just that I look at everyone else and they seem to have it all together...to "get it" while I still continue to struggle. In fact, it's an endless cycle...as the more "put together" someone else appears to be, the more I question myself. I forget, in the moment, to remind myself that I don't know "their insides" or to give it to God and remember what He says about me. I just end up feeling confused, insecure and inadequate.
And you know what really makes me angry? Are the woman, maybe even out of their own insecurity, that have such a hard time being "real and authentic" that they have to put on this "perfect appearance" (even though I have to remind myself there is no such thing as perfection in the world or even a healthy pursuit of perfection). In fact, in my recovery experience, the more "perfect" a person appears, the more problems they probably have. But, alas, I forget about this in the moment and the confident, striving, perfect woman leaves me feeling less than worthy and unsettled. I realize this is not their fault...this is my issue to deal with. I just wish we could all be authentic and vulnerable, so no one is left to ever feel unworthy. What a horrible feeling. And how many women feel like that. I know. I know from person experience and from the stories I hear every Thursday night at Celebrate Recovery.
I keep hearing God speak to me. I am reflecting on what He is revealing to me:
Simplifying will lead to Balance. Trusting in God and myself and Accepting how and who He made me will lead to healthy Boundaries and Righteous Confidence. Setting and establishing Realistic expectations for myself and from others will lead to Acceptance. What I am hoping for is Rest and Peace in the Grace of God.
So, I have the visual of the big picture...just how to get there keeps eluding me.
"You, O Lord, I put my trust;
Let me never be ashamed.
Deliver me in Your righteousness."
Psalm 31:1
Even Jonathan seems to be a little overwhelmed by the prospect. He was asking me the other day, "So she goes to school from 7:40 to 2:40?" Pause. "Every day?" Exactly.
I have no doubt that Isabelle is ready and will do great in kindergarten. I am expecting the usual transition issues, but I know she will end up loving it. However, my daughter seems to bounce back and forth between being excited to refusing to go. Oh dear. I love her, God is so not calling me to homeschooling.
Yesterday she kept following me around saying that she was going to go where ever I go. We had to make a run to Home Depot last night (all that catching up on laundry that the washer and dryer went out!) and on the way home she was asking why I lived away from Nana and Papa and if everyone that got married had to move away from their mommy and daddy and if so, she didn't want to get married. Jonathan informed her that she could live with us forever. Oh my heart.
I have read that being a good parent is raising your child to not need you when they grow up. What they neglect to add is how hard that is. I know I shouldn't be looking too far into the future, but it seems like we are taking the first steps into independence and our first big change. It is all very overwhelming to me right now.
Not to mention there seems to be some of what I refer to as "crazy moms" out there. I have encountered "crazy moms" even before the kindergarten world and it seems to get worse once they are actually in school. I am so not ready or at a place in my life where I can handle "crazy mom syndrome" in a healthy way right now. I am working on it and hope to make some progress before Izzy starts school to have more confidence and security in my identity in Christ that the "crazy mom syndrome" won't affect me so much...cause me to falter, doubt and not trust myself. To have complete righteous confidence in who God created me to be and the path He has set before me. To trust that and not waver from it.
I am really bad about "comparing every one's outsides to my insides" as they say in recovery. After 3 years you would think I would have stopped it. "Just Stop It!" But, I have to remind myself...progress, not perfection. It's just that I look at everyone else and they seem to have it all together...to "get it" while I still continue to struggle. In fact, it's an endless cycle...as the more "put together" someone else appears to be, the more I question myself. I forget, in the moment, to remind myself that I don't know "their insides" or to give it to God and remember what He says about me. I just end up feeling confused, insecure and inadequate.
And you know what really makes me angry? Are the woman, maybe even out of their own insecurity, that have such a hard time being "real and authentic" that they have to put on this "perfect appearance" (even though I have to remind myself there is no such thing as perfection in the world or even a healthy pursuit of perfection). In fact, in my recovery experience, the more "perfect" a person appears, the more problems they probably have. But, alas, I forget about this in the moment and the confident, striving, perfect woman leaves me feeling less than worthy and unsettled. I realize this is not their fault...this is my issue to deal with. I just wish we could all be authentic and vulnerable, so no one is left to ever feel unworthy. What a horrible feeling. And how many women feel like that. I know. I know from person experience and from the stories I hear every Thursday night at Celebrate Recovery.
I keep hearing God speak to me. I am reflecting on what He is revealing to me:
Simplifying will lead to Balance. Trusting in God and myself and Accepting how and who He made me will lead to healthy Boundaries and Righteous Confidence. Setting and establishing Realistic expectations for myself and from others will lead to Acceptance. What I am hoping for is Rest and Peace in the Grace of God.
So, I have the visual of the big picture...just how to get there keeps eluding me.
"You, O Lord, I put my trust;
Let me never be ashamed.
Deliver me in Your righteousness."
Psalm 31:1
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