So, Izzy's seventh birthday has come and passed. I can't believe that such a big deal came and went so fast. I have a feeling that time will just keep going by faster and faster. How will I keep up? Because I don't want to miss a thing. I want to slow down and breathe in and take it all in. But, I digress...we had a great and special time. My parents came in town and we went to Sea World. It poured all the way there and we had already decided that if it was still pouring we would just turn around and go home. But, when we got there the rain stopped and...there were no lines to be seen anywhere. The weather was cool in the morning, warm in the afternoon, and cool in the evening.
We were able to make every show, feed and pet the dolphins and ride the Shamu roller coaster several times. I love, LOVE the Shamu show. From the minute they show the Military commercial and ask all military and retired military and their families to stand, I cry. I tear up when I see an old man stand up as people applaud his bravery and sacrifice. I tear up when I see the young soldiers and airmen in uniform walk around the park with their loved ones. I tear up when I see my dad salute them and thank them for their service.
I am an Air Force Brat. I moved 13 times in 18 years. I went to 3 high schools in 4 years. I have lived in 2 other countries than the States and have visited a lot more than that. My parents were in 2 other countries the whole time I was in college. I have always hated the question, "Where are you from?" How do you answer that when your "home" is a state of mind. When you have never felt at home anywhere, but a little bit of everywhere. No one, unless they share in this unique situation and experience, can understand.
One of my dearest and oldest friends and fellow BRAT sent me a link about a movie called "BRATS: Our Journey Home." I sent it to other fellow BRAT friends and my parents. My dad ordered the DVD and brought it with them on this visit. We were given a wonderful day while the kids were at school to watch this unique documentary together. I am blessed by the parents I have and how they raised me. I am blessed with the relationship I still have with them. I would not be who I am without them.
I love hearing people's stories. My favorite part of Celebrate Recovery is hearing testimonies. I love learning about people, their past, their families, their hurts and their triumphs. After watching this movie, I realized how being a BRAT is a big part of my story. Watching this movie made me realize what a special, unique and wonderful group of humanity we are. Our unique childhood experiences have shaped who we have become. I may be flawed and will always have to work through my imperfections and flaws, but watching this movie made me appreciate even my flaws. For they came from an interesting experience and a great price.
So, here's to not just all the military, but also their families that did not sign up for a tour of duty, but served and sacrificed just the same. Here is a summary of the movie...and to be honest, a summary of a little bit of all of us BRATS.
"It's hard to imagine a military BRAT'S childhood. Moving from base to base around the world, they are at home everywhere - and nowhere. There are 1.2 million children being raised in the military today. An estimated 15 million Americans are former BRATS. They include actors Jessica Alba and Robert Duvall, Senator John McCain, and basketball star Shaquille O'Neal.
BRATS is the first cinematic glimpse into a global subculture whose journey to adulthood is a high-octane mixture of incredible excitement and enormous pain. Make no mistake - BRATS is not about the U.S. military - it's about their children, who grow up in a paradox that is idealistic and authoritarian, privileged and perilous, supportive and stifling - all at the same time. Their passports say "United States," but they're really citizens of the world.
Singer/songwriter and Air Force brat Kris Kristofferson leads us through the heart of their experiences, sharing intimate memories with fellow BRATS, including General Norman Schwarzkopf and author Mary Edwards Wertsch, whose ground-breaking book, Military Brats: Legacies of Childhood Inside the Fortress, was one of the seminal inspirations for this film. Their stories reveal the peculiar landscape of their childhood, the culture that binds them together, and the power it exerts over their adult lives.
A seven-year work of passion by independent filmmaker Donna Musil, BRATS features rare archival footage, home movies and private photographs from post-war Japan, Germany, and Vietnam."
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
i was made to love you...
Tomorrow is Izzy's 7th birthday. Seriously. SEVEN. I remember when my friends' kids were turning 7 and I thought that seemed so old. It's the first birthday where they really aren't little kids any more. It's her first "Big Girl" birthday...and it's breaking this mommy's heart. I am so proud (and just a little relieved) that she committed her life to Christ and followed Him in baptism this year. And I am so excited to see her relationship with the Lord grow as she continues to grow in Him. I just pray that she will forever have a heart for God and will follow Him all the days of her life. I pray that her identity and confidence will be found in Christ...and in Christ alone. I pray that I will not fail miserably in this precious job that God entrusted in my care.
We are busy. I wonder how we got here. I always have good intentions to have a slower and simple pace of life and then, before you know it, I am over-committed and stressed. With all good things like dance (seeing Becca in tap shoes and how much Izzy loves it is precious), piano, soccer (seeing my sweet, quiet Nicky shine on the field is awesome!), prayer meetings like Moms in Touch, bible study, Homeroom mom, and Celebrate Recovery. All wonderful things. But, then add cleaning, cooking, laundry, driving, errands, paying bills, volunteering...um, life...and you have stress. And with stress, it seems that the joy - even in the good things - is gone.
Now, I just want to create space and time to breathe...to refresh and renew...for me, my marriage, my family and my ministry. To have joy...in all things. To give God glory for all of these amazing opportunities and blessings He has faithfully lavished on us. All of us. How many times do I just stop and say "Thank you, Lord!" without asking for anything? He tells us to come to Him with gratitude...a thankful heart and spirit. Oh, how we should be so humbled with how He has blessed us. Oh, how selfish we are with His grace. Why do we get so caught up in ourselves and our lives that our thank yous are short and our list of petitions are long?
"Repentance is one of the most wonderful privileges Christ has given us through Hiss cross...we haven't repented, however, until we've experienced what 2 Corinthians 7:10 calls 'godly sorrow.' It's the kind that brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret...the first inappropriate response to the awareness that we've treated holy things as unholy is a lack of repentance. The other extreme is debilitating guilt and an unwillingness to let go of past failure long after repentance. God is looking for the healthy response of godly sorrow that brings repentance, not emotional self-mutilation."
I was made for God. I was made to love Him. We all were. There is so much from this week's homework from Daniel that spoke to me that I don't even know where to start. I just feel really blessed. To see how He has worked in my life...how He has delivered and redeemed me. Why is it so easy to forget to have a grateful heart and spirit? I would be a mess without Jesus! And I was. And a lot of times, I still am! That's why I need Him. I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept and believe that I am holy vessel for God. Because He says I am. That should be enough for me to believe it. But, I hold onto old patterns of thinking and lies that I am not. And I find myself thinking how dishonoring that is to Him. Boy, do I want my life to reflect my heart and what God has done in it!
"Beloved, my 'hopeless sorrow' totally missed the meaning of the biblical word redemption. God redeems something by buying it back through the payment of a ransom. He gave the life of His Son as the ransom to buy us back from the clutches of sin. He has also bought back the rights to our past and all its failures. It we cooperate, He'll turn every single one of those failures into something useful for His kingdom."
We all have our past and our failures...our hurts, old habits and patterns of behavior. Beth Moore talked about "keeping our noses clean." Recovery talks about "keeping your side of the street clean." Both mean to deal with your stuff and keep right with God. But, it also means that we are not going around wiping other people's noses or sweeping up their sides of the street. That is up to them to do. I pray that we will all deal with our "stuff" and repent..."to get off repentant knees white as snow, utterly pure and totally restored to fellowship with God." To no longer walk around with gaping wounds, but to walk upright...healed...with just the scars to tell our testimony.
"God isn't looking for perfection. He's looking for purity of heart: our authentic desire to do His will and give Him glory...You and I want God to be able to look on us amid our overindulged, self-absorbed culture, then glance to His right and say, 'She has an extraordinary spirit, doesn't she, Son?' Perhaps Christ will nod His head and, while thinking the thoughts of an anxious bridegroom, lean over and say, 'And isn't she beautiful?'
We are busy. I wonder how we got here. I always have good intentions to have a slower and simple pace of life and then, before you know it, I am over-committed and stressed. With all good things like dance (seeing Becca in tap shoes and how much Izzy loves it is precious), piano, soccer (seeing my sweet, quiet Nicky shine on the field is awesome!), prayer meetings like Moms in Touch, bible study, Homeroom mom, and Celebrate Recovery. All wonderful things. But, then add cleaning, cooking, laundry, driving, errands, paying bills, volunteering...um, life...and you have stress. And with stress, it seems that the joy - even in the good things - is gone.
Now, I just want to create space and time to breathe...to refresh and renew...for me, my marriage, my family and my ministry. To have joy...in all things. To give God glory for all of these amazing opportunities and blessings He has faithfully lavished on us. All of us. How many times do I just stop and say "Thank you, Lord!" without asking for anything? He tells us to come to Him with gratitude...a thankful heart and spirit. Oh, how we should be so humbled with how He has blessed us. Oh, how selfish we are with His grace. Why do we get so caught up in ourselves and our lives that our thank yous are short and our list of petitions are long?
"Repentance is one of the most wonderful privileges Christ has given us through Hiss cross...we haven't repented, however, until we've experienced what 2 Corinthians 7:10 calls 'godly sorrow.' It's the kind that brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret...the first inappropriate response to the awareness that we've treated holy things as unholy is a lack of repentance. The other extreme is debilitating guilt and an unwillingness to let go of past failure long after repentance. God is looking for the healthy response of godly sorrow that brings repentance, not emotional self-mutilation."
I was made for God. I was made to love Him. We all were. There is so much from this week's homework from Daniel that spoke to me that I don't even know where to start. I just feel really blessed. To see how He has worked in my life...how He has delivered and redeemed me. Why is it so easy to forget to have a grateful heart and spirit? I would be a mess without Jesus! And I was. And a lot of times, I still am! That's why I need Him. I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept and believe that I am holy vessel for God. Because He says I am. That should be enough for me to believe it. But, I hold onto old patterns of thinking and lies that I am not. And I find myself thinking how dishonoring that is to Him. Boy, do I want my life to reflect my heart and what God has done in it!
"Beloved, my 'hopeless sorrow' totally missed the meaning of the biblical word redemption. God redeems something by buying it back through the payment of a ransom. He gave the life of His Son as the ransom to buy us back from the clutches of sin. He has also bought back the rights to our past and all its failures. It we cooperate, He'll turn every single one of those failures into something useful for His kingdom."
We all have our past and our failures...our hurts, old habits and patterns of behavior. Beth Moore talked about "keeping our noses clean." Recovery talks about "keeping your side of the street clean." Both mean to deal with your stuff and keep right with God. But, it also means that we are not going around wiping other people's noses or sweeping up their sides of the street. That is up to them to do. I pray that we will all deal with our "stuff" and repent..."to get off repentant knees white as snow, utterly pure and totally restored to fellowship with God." To no longer walk around with gaping wounds, but to walk upright...healed...with just the scars to tell our testimony.
"God isn't looking for perfection. He's looking for purity of heart: our authentic desire to do His will and give Him glory...You and I want God to be able to look on us amid our overindulged, self-absorbed culture, then glance to His right and say, 'She has an extraordinary spirit, doesn't she, Son?' Perhaps Christ will nod His head and, while thinking the thoughts of an anxious bridegroom, lean over and say, 'And isn't she beautiful?'
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
not better...not worse...just different...
Oh. My. Goodness...there are a handful of books and movies that I just think everyone needs to experience for themselves. And you know what it's like. You are so moved, so touched, you can barely stop yourself from annoying everyone around you by sharing it with them. And, I mean actually quoting from it...to everyone. I felt this way when I read "The Diary of Anne Frank, "The Hiding Place," "Redeeming Love," "Dinner With a Perfect Stranger, " "The Notebook," and "The Shack" and when I watched "Crash." Not the easiest to read or watch....some would say gut wrenching, but so worth it. Some would say...life changing. Or you would hope life changing. Like Beth Moore says about Kind Neb, you want to learn it by reading it, not experiencing it for yourself...and you want it to stick.
"Same Kind of Different As Me" is that kind of book. It will move you. It will touch you. And it will make you want to change the world. Even while knowing that perhaps the change you will make will be small...because it will start with you. I have this philosophy that we are not better...not worse than each other. Just different. And I think we are not all that different. We probably have a lot more in common, if we took the time and the change of heart to look through God's eyes. Yet, we focus on all these things that separate and divide us, when we could be looking at maybe the one thing that can unite us. And perhaps we spend entirely too much focusing on what's wrong and what needs to be changed in others, that we completely miss what needs to change in us. "Sometimes we don't recognize ourselves until we judge another and hear the Holy Spirit resound within our hearts, 'You are that person!' " (Beth Moore, Daniel). Ouch. God called us to love one another...not fix one another. Only He is qualified to do that.
"Same Kind of Different As Me" is a tale of "a modern-day slave, an international art dealer, and the unlikely woman who bound them together...gritty with pain and betrayal and brutality, it also shines with an unexpected, life-changing love...without a doubt, in the heart of God." One of the homeless men in the book tells Ron Hall, the rich art dealer, that we aren't all that different. We are all just a few paychecks, an unfortunate circumstance, and our spouse leaving us away from being on the streets. Denver Moore, the modern-day slave, sees the irony in how rich people call raw fish "sushi" and the poor man calls it "bait." Though but for the grace of God, go I.
"I guess we were pretty good at the whole Christian thing - or maybe we were bad at it - because we managed to alienate many of our old college friends. With our new spiritual eyes, we could see they didn't have fish stickers [on their cars] either, and we set about saving them from eternal damnation with all the subtlety of rookie linebakers. Looking back now, I mourn the mutual wounds inflicted in verbal battles with the 'unsaved.' In fact, I have chosen to delete that particular term from my vocabulary as I have learned that even with my $500 European-designer bifocals, I cannot see into a person's heart to know his spiritual condition. All I can do is tell the jagged tale of my own spiritual journey and declare that my life has been the better for having followed Christ." (Ron Hall, "Same Kind of Different As Me," emphasis mine.).
Let us be changed. Forever changed. From the inside out. Let our hearts break for what breaks His heart. Let us begin changing the world by first changing the only one we can...ourselves. Just imagine...
"Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one"
Oh, how love covers a multitude of things. Sometimes, all you need is love. God's love.
"Same Kind of Different As Me" is that kind of book. It will move you. It will touch you. And it will make you want to change the world. Even while knowing that perhaps the change you will make will be small...because it will start with you. I have this philosophy that we are not better...not worse than each other. Just different. And I think we are not all that different. We probably have a lot more in common, if we took the time and the change of heart to look through God's eyes. Yet, we focus on all these things that separate and divide us, when we could be looking at maybe the one thing that can unite us. And perhaps we spend entirely too much focusing on what's wrong and what needs to be changed in others, that we completely miss what needs to change in us. "Sometimes we don't recognize ourselves until we judge another and hear the Holy Spirit resound within our hearts, 'You are that person!' " (Beth Moore, Daniel). Ouch. God called us to love one another...not fix one another. Only He is qualified to do that.
"Same Kind of Different As Me" is a tale of "a modern-day slave, an international art dealer, and the unlikely woman who bound them together...gritty with pain and betrayal and brutality, it also shines with an unexpected, life-changing love...without a doubt, in the heart of God." One of the homeless men in the book tells Ron Hall, the rich art dealer, that we aren't all that different. We are all just a few paychecks, an unfortunate circumstance, and our spouse leaving us away from being on the streets. Denver Moore, the modern-day slave, sees the irony in how rich people call raw fish "sushi" and the poor man calls it "bait." Though but for the grace of God, go I.
"I guess we were pretty good at the whole Christian thing - or maybe we were bad at it - because we managed to alienate many of our old college friends. With our new spiritual eyes, we could see they didn't have fish stickers [on their cars] either, and we set about saving them from eternal damnation with all the subtlety of rookie linebakers. Looking back now, I mourn the mutual wounds inflicted in verbal battles with the 'unsaved.' In fact, I have chosen to delete that particular term from my vocabulary as I have learned that even with my $500 European-designer bifocals, I cannot see into a person's heart to know his spiritual condition. All I can do is tell the jagged tale of my own spiritual journey and declare that my life has been the better for having followed Christ." (Ron Hall, "Same Kind of Different As Me," emphasis mine.).
Let us be changed. Forever changed. From the inside out. Let our hearts break for what breaks His heart. Let us begin changing the world by first changing the only one we can...ourselves. Just imagine...
"Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world
You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one"
Oh, how love covers a multitude of things. Sometimes, all you need is love. God's love.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
have a little faith in me...
I am doing Beth Moore's Daniel bible study for the 2nd time. I did it over 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Becca. I love doing my homework and comparing my current answers with my answers from 2 years ago. Fortunately, I do detect a deeper sense of understanding, a different and fresh perspective and maturity that the past 2 years have brought. Unfortunately, I still see that some of my issues and struggles of insecurity and low-self esteem are the same. I may have made progress, but I still have so far to go. I'm not who I am meant to be yet, but at least I am not who I was. That's the whole point, right? Even Beth (yes, I feel as though we are on a first name basis...after all, she does refer to me as "beloved") says that we will never reach perfection in this lifetime. Of course she says it...scripture says it. It is only when we are called home to our Father...when we run into his arms and see Him face to face will our faith be perfected.
Doing this study is like reading a fabulous book to me. I just want to tell everyone about it. I think my husband and my small group are so annoyed with me because I want to share what I have gleamed and learned...a lot. It's timely and it's God speaking directly into my heart. And it's exciting. I want a firm and resolved faith like Daniel...and I wouldn't mind a heart like David's and a love and devotion like John's to go along with it.
We are so blessed with Jonathan's job. He got it in God's perfect timing. We learned a lot during that time of waiting. And, he is happy. It's longer hours and half of his previous pay, but he is a man that comes home happy. And that's worth a lot. And I truly believe that God is using this new salary to challenge us to see where our hearts and priorities are. What's truly important? What lasts? Did you know that if you can afford to buy a book and have the education to read a book, you are richer than the majority of the people in the world?
I have also been feeling Him speaking this to me about our schedules and how we spend our time. What are we doing that will be eternal? My relationship with God. Praying for my husband and my children is eternal. My friendships. Ministering to the hurts and emotional wounds of others. Listening to others people's stories. Sharing mine. Giving God all of the glory. I am so excited (when I am not stressed sorting through coupons at the grocery store or wondering where the time went) to see what God will do with our obedience and trust to His will and provisions.
It takes resolve to make it in this "Babylonian" culture. Without resolve, we will lose our identity and integrity in our over-indulgent, self-absorbed and permissible culture, Beth teaches. "Whether or not we are conscious of it, you and I are daily being indoctrinated and 'trained' by our culture...God wants us to recognize the critical priority of deliberate training in godliness." It's also a choice. In a culture where we are given 7-10 different choices just when we order our coffee, it's a choice whose voice we listen to. Is it the magazine rack? Hollywood? Neighbors? Friends? Or the only One whose voice matters? If our relationship is right with the Lord and we are listening to only his voice...no one else's matters. And, just like the three thrown into the fiery furnace, we don't have to defend our choice to anyone. We only have to answer to God. Whew...I know that's not a new concept to anyone, but for someone that worries about what other people think entirely to much, it was such a relief.
Beth talks about how our unresolved sin and untreated weaknesses leave a foothold for the enemy. We can either deal with our "stuff" with God or our "stuff" will deal with us...and the enemy will use it against us...any chance he can get. I am trying to deal with my stuff...for my walk, for God's hand print to be all over me, for my marriage, for my children and for my friendships. Hurt people, hurt people. Because, when we haven't dealt, we are just the walking wounded leaving a trail of hurt in our wake. And, like Celebrate Recovery says, "God never wastes a hurt" (when we deal with it, that is). Beth talks about how grateful she is for her two humble daughters "who will risk people knowing they're imperfect in order to minister." I love that. LOVE it! But, why is it a risk? None of us are perfect, so why is it taking such a gamble to take off the mask and be our vulnerable, imperfect, authentic selves? "What do we do with the grace we've received? We start by ripping off the labels we've placed on others who are different than us. Not just having, but showing mercy."
Who and what would I be without Jesus? I would be a mess. I remember reading "Get Out of the Pit" by Beth. Her husband had been ministering to someone on the phone. When he was done, with a heavy heart, he asked her, "Who would I have been if things had been different? If I had made different choices?" She paused and says the Holy Spirit must have spoken through her because she could never have thought to say it on her own and responded, "You are a much neater person healed than you would have been well."
This is why I would like a little Beth Moore to put in my pocket and carry her around all day.
Doing this study is like reading a fabulous book to me. I just want to tell everyone about it. I think my husband and my small group are so annoyed with me because I want to share what I have gleamed and learned...a lot. It's timely and it's God speaking directly into my heart. And it's exciting. I want a firm and resolved faith like Daniel...and I wouldn't mind a heart like David's and a love and devotion like John's to go along with it.
We are so blessed with Jonathan's job. He got it in God's perfect timing. We learned a lot during that time of waiting. And, he is happy. It's longer hours and half of his previous pay, but he is a man that comes home happy. And that's worth a lot. And I truly believe that God is using this new salary to challenge us to see where our hearts and priorities are. What's truly important? What lasts? Did you know that if you can afford to buy a book and have the education to read a book, you are richer than the majority of the people in the world?
I have also been feeling Him speaking this to me about our schedules and how we spend our time. What are we doing that will be eternal? My relationship with God. Praying for my husband and my children is eternal. My friendships. Ministering to the hurts and emotional wounds of others. Listening to others people's stories. Sharing mine. Giving God all of the glory. I am so excited (when I am not stressed sorting through coupons at the grocery store or wondering where the time went) to see what God will do with our obedience and trust to His will and provisions.
It takes resolve to make it in this "Babylonian" culture. Without resolve, we will lose our identity and integrity in our over-indulgent, self-absorbed and permissible culture, Beth teaches. "Whether or not we are conscious of it, you and I are daily being indoctrinated and 'trained' by our culture...God wants us to recognize the critical priority of deliberate training in godliness." It's also a choice. In a culture where we are given 7-10 different choices just when we order our coffee, it's a choice whose voice we listen to. Is it the magazine rack? Hollywood? Neighbors? Friends? Or the only One whose voice matters? If our relationship is right with the Lord and we are listening to only his voice...no one else's matters. And, just like the three thrown into the fiery furnace, we don't have to defend our choice to anyone. We only have to answer to God. Whew...I know that's not a new concept to anyone, but for someone that worries about what other people think entirely to much, it was such a relief.
Beth talks about how our unresolved sin and untreated weaknesses leave a foothold for the enemy. We can either deal with our "stuff" with God or our "stuff" will deal with us...and the enemy will use it against us...any chance he can get. I am trying to deal with my stuff...for my walk, for God's hand print to be all over me, for my marriage, for my children and for my friendships. Hurt people, hurt people. Because, when we haven't dealt, we are just the walking wounded leaving a trail of hurt in our wake. And, like Celebrate Recovery says, "God never wastes a hurt" (when we deal with it, that is). Beth talks about how grateful she is for her two humble daughters "who will risk people knowing they're imperfect in order to minister." I love that. LOVE it! But, why is it a risk? None of us are perfect, so why is it taking such a gamble to take off the mask and be our vulnerable, imperfect, authentic selves? "What do we do with the grace we've received? We start by ripping off the labels we've placed on others who are different than us. Not just having, but showing mercy."
Who and what would I be without Jesus? I would be a mess. I remember reading "Get Out of the Pit" by Beth. Her husband had been ministering to someone on the phone. When he was done, with a heavy heart, he asked her, "Who would I have been if things had been different? If I had made different choices?" She paused and says the Holy Spirit must have spoken through her because she could never have thought to say it on her own and responded, "You are a much neater person healed than you would have been well."
This is why I would like a little Beth Moore to put in my pocket and carry her around all day.
Friday, September 4, 2009
my gift is my song...and this one's for you...how wonderful life is with you in the world...
I am reading this book, "Let Go" by Sheila Walsh, a Woman of Faith speaker, and it is wonderful. It's all about letting go and living in God's Grace. His amazing Grace. Breaking free of the shackles and living the life of freedom that God truly meant for us to live when He gave us the gift of Grace through the death and resurrection of Christ. This is my heart. This is my ministry. I'm not perfect at it...in fact most of the time I struggle with feeling like a failure. But, then I have Grace. We all do. The enemy wants to hold us back and lies to us about our progress and our value. God made us. That's our value. It is indisputable. So, why do we let it be disputed? By the enemy or anyone else? If God loves, values and accepts me...that should be enough. If God offers us Grace...shouldn't that be the least of what we offer each other? I want to. I want to love and live like Christ. I want to live it out. I want my life to reflect my faith so much that people see it just by looking and seeing God's light shining through the cracks of my brokenness. And when I'm not perfect at it or plain just messing it up...I still long for and need Grace.
I hope reading this excerpt from "Let Go" changes your heart. When I read this I thought, if I could put into words my heart...this would be it. And Ms. Walsh does it better than I ever could. It's long, but it is so worth it...
"She was sure her bag was heavier today than it was yesterday. Or perhaps, she reasoned, she was just worn it from everything going on in her life. She hadn't slept well the previous night and had awakened with such a headache. She poured coffee into a thermos and head out the door, catching a glimpse of her pale face in the glass. As she stepped outside, the insistent ringing of the phone dragged her back inside her apartment.
'We missed you last night,' a voice said with a definite edge.
'Yes, I'm sorry. I got home late and was so tired, and I hadn't taken the dog for a walk in two days. And I'm not...'
'Oh, we understood,' the voice cut in. 'It's just so easy to get into bad habits. Remember, the believer who tries to stand alone is easy prey for the enemy.'
'Yes, I know, but...'
'You missed the prayer meeting last week as well. It's not enough to pop in on Sunday mornings, you know,' the voice insisted, 'If you want to be a part of the body of Christ, you have to show up and do your part.'
'I'm actually finding it kind of hard to do my part right now.'
'And quite honestly, we feel that. Well, let's see if you can get a couple of early nights in so that you can be back to your best by Sunday.'
'I'll try, it's just that...'
'Good-bye now!'
'It's just that...I have chemotherapy on Wednesday nights now...'
But the voice was gone."
"We all long to be heard. We want to be seen as we really are, not as we at times appear to be. Like the woman in the story, we wish that life would slow down enough for us to be able to talk about what we're dealing with. I'm sure the person on the phone was well-intentioned, but good intentions can often leave us cold and alone.
Have you ever wished your friends, those in your small group, or even your spouse could hear behind what you're saying to what's really going on in your heart? Have you thought, 'Can't they see it in my eyes? Don't they know I'm sinking fast?'
Unfortunately, we live in a very fast-paced world, and all too often we find ourselves at the end of another without having connected to anyone in a meaningful way. Why is that? Is it because others don't want to listen or see our need? Or is it because we are unwilling to reveal that need? Or both?
Most often, I imagine, we don't tell others about our needs because we don't want to be thought less of. Have you ever felt misunderstood or judged by a Christian friend? If so, you know it's one of the most painful hurts the human soul can sustain. Perhaps you once you took a risk and told a friend of your struggles -- and instead of finding comfort, you experienced condemnation. Perhaps it happened at a time when your were already feeling vulnerable, and your friend's response made the pain all the more intense. Instead of feeling more known, you felt more alone. So you learned to just hold it in.
Human hearts are not rule-shaped, and when others try to squeeze us into their version of acceptability, it always causes wounds. We all long to be known, but because we fear others' reactions we have learned to guard ourselves [or, if you're like me, you don't learn that and just continue to share and get hurt!]. It is not always safe to be known. But, what if we're the ones causing the pain? What if we're not the judged but the judges?"
"I met her at a women's conference. I had been asked as a speaker to open and close a day filled with seminars and workshops. We bumped into each other in the corridor outside the main hall as we both tried to find our way to a particular room. As we walked together, we talked and discovered we had the most precious thing in common: we are both mothers of a boy. She's further down the road with her son, who is now out of high school. Christian will have turned twelve, God willing, by the time you read this book.
'I wish I had known what I know now when I was son was twelve,' she said.
'What would you have done differently?' I asked, hoping to pick up a few tips.
'I would have opened my eyes to the truth,' she said. 'I would have shaken myself out of denial.'
This was more than I'd seen coming, so I stopped walking and listened as she told me some of her son's story. It was a sad tale of drug and alcohol addiction. She adopted him when he was just a baby and had no idea he had a strong genetic predisposition to addiction. He gave his life to Christ as a young boy and had prayed over and over to be delivered, but the battles is fierce. He has been in and out of treatment programs wrestling with the demons that torment him.
I asked her what her greatest challenge or heartache has been, and her answer surprised me: she said it was watching how others in their church treated her son.
'If he had a brain tumor or cancer, they would be over with casseroles and flowers. But there are no flowers for my boy. People don't understand he is sick. They just think he is weak or a bum,' she said with tears in her eyes.
All she longed for was companionship and understanding on this terrible path she had to walk. Yet, at the time when she needed us - the church - the most, she felt our comfort the least.
I have to admit I had never thought of drug addiction or alcoholism that way. It's easy to put these struggles into the category of weakness or sin, but the reality is those whose brains are wired toward addiction go through tremendous pain if they try to break free. Everything within their bodies and brains craves the next hit the way a man lost in the desert craves water. And as if that isn't enough, those who battle addiction often feel the pain and isolation of our judgment.
As I thought over our conversation, I began to wonder how much alienation goes on in Christian circles - how many times Christians try to shove others into their version of perfection. I was uncomfortably aware that the answer was probably 'a lot.' It doesn't have to be the extremes of this type of abuse. It can be as simple of ridiculing different forms of worship. It can relate to what kind of school you send your children to or what rating of movie or video game you allow them to play."
"Jesus told his friends to go out into the world and share the gospel, not their opinions. It's what we do to one another with our words, our tone, and our body language that can make others feel isolated and judged. Have you felt that? Or have you, like me, been the one to dish it out? Did you feel justified in doing so?"
"I want us to look at what legalism does to our freedom in Christ and to our relationships to one another. As we saw in his letter to the church in Rome, Paul expressed the common cry of every believer who tried to live up to the standards of the law and fails miserably: 'What I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do...O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?' (Romans 7:15; 24) The interesting double standard, though, is that we still try to make others live up to what we cannot. That is legalism, and it is deadly. It is so easy to take the word of the law and miss the heart."
"When you break down the Ten Commandments, all God was asking us to do was to love Him and to love one another...A common thread throughout human history is our inability to live up to God's standards. But another thread can be traced: our desire to squeeze people into a mold of our making - to embrace a dead religion rather than a living truth. Both realities would leave us miserable...if it weren't for Christ. Moses gave us the Law from God, but Christ himself brought and embodied grace and truth to deliver us from ourselves and from the judgment of one another: 'For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ' (John 1:17).
The ground at the foot of the cross if even. There are no podiums for those who feel most worthy. There are no pits for those who feel that they don't belong. The only way to break free from this dead, stale religion is with the glorious gift of fresh-baked grace every morning for the rest of our lives!"
I hope reading this excerpt from "Let Go" changes your heart. When I read this I thought, if I could put into words my heart...this would be it. And Ms. Walsh does it better than I ever could. It's long, but it is so worth it...
"She was sure her bag was heavier today than it was yesterday. Or perhaps, she reasoned, she was just worn it from everything going on in her life. She hadn't slept well the previous night and had awakened with such a headache. She poured coffee into a thermos and head out the door, catching a glimpse of her pale face in the glass. As she stepped outside, the insistent ringing of the phone dragged her back inside her apartment.
'We missed you last night,' a voice said with a definite edge.
'Yes, I'm sorry. I got home late and was so tired, and I hadn't taken the dog for a walk in two days. And I'm not...'
'Oh, we understood,' the voice cut in. 'It's just so easy to get into bad habits. Remember, the believer who tries to stand alone is easy prey for the enemy.'
'Yes, I know, but...'
'You missed the prayer meeting last week as well. It's not enough to pop in on Sunday mornings, you know,' the voice insisted, 'If you want to be a part of the body of Christ, you have to show up and do your part.'
'I'm actually finding it kind of hard to do my part right now.'
'And quite honestly, we feel that. Well, let's see if you can get a couple of early nights in so that you can be back to your best by Sunday.'
'I'll try, it's just that...'
'Good-bye now!'
'It's just that...I have chemotherapy on Wednesday nights now...'
But the voice was gone."
"We all long to be heard. We want to be seen as we really are, not as we at times appear to be. Like the woman in the story, we wish that life would slow down enough for us to be able to talk about what we're dealing with. I'm sure the person on the phone was well-intentioned, but good intentions can often leave us cold and alone.
Have you ever wished your friends, those in your small group, or even your spouse could hear behind what you're saying to what's really going on in your heart? Have you thought, 'Can't they see it in my eyes? Don't they know I'm sinking fast?'
Unfortunately, we live in a very fast-paced world, and all too often we find ourselves at the end of another without having connected to anyone in a meaningful way. Why is that? Is it because others don't want to listen or see our need? Or is it because we are unwilling to reveal that need? Or both?
Most often, I imagine, we don't tell others about our needs because we don't want to be thought less of. Have you ever felt misunderstood or judged by a Christian friend? If so, you know it's one of the most painful hurts the human soul can sustain. Perhaps you once you took a risk and told a friend of your struggles -- and instead of finding comfort, you experienced condemnation. Perhaps it happened at a time when your were already feeling vulnerable, and your friend's response made the pain all the more intense. Instead of feeling more known, you felt more alone. So you learned to just hold it in.
Human hearts are not rule-shaped, and when others try to squeeze us into their version of acceptability, it always causes wounds. We all long to be known, but because we fear others' reactions we have learned to guard ourselves [or, if you're like me, you don't learn that and just continue to share and get hurt!]. It is not always safe to be known. But, what if we're the ones causing the pain? What if we're not the judged but the judges?"
"I met her at a women's conference. I had been asked as a speaker to open and close a day filled with seminars and workshops. We bumped into each other in the corridor outside the main hall as we both tried to find our way to a particular room. As we walked together, we talked and discovered we had the most precious thing in common: we are both mothers of a boy. She's further down the road with her son, who is now out of high school. Christian will have turned twelve, God willing, by the time you read this book.
'I wish I had known what I know now when I was son was twelve,' she said.
'What would you have done differently?' I asked, hoping to pick up a few tips.
'I would have opened my eyes to the truth,' she said. 'I would have shaken myself out of denial.'
This was more than I'd seen coming, so I stopped walking and listened as she told me some of her son's story. It was a sad tale of drug and alcohol addiction. She adopted him when he was just a baby and had no idea he had a strong genetic predisposition to addiction. He gave his life to Christ as a young boy and had prayed over and over to be delivered, but the battles is fierce. He has been in and out of treatment programs wrestling with the demons that torment him.
I asked her what her greatest challenge or heartache has been, and her answer surprised me: she said it was watching how others in their church treated her son.
'If he had a brain tumor or cancer, they would be over with casseroles and flowers. But there are no flowers for my boy. People don't understand he is sick. They just think he is weak or a bum,' she said with tears in her eyes.
All she longed for was companionship and understanding on this terrible path she had to walk. Yet, at the time when she needed us - the church - the most, she felt our comfort the least.
I have to admit I had never thought of drug addiction or alcoholism that way. It's easy to put these struggles into the category of weakness or sin, but the reality is those whose brains are wired toward addiction go through tremendous pain if they try to break free. Everything within their bodies and brains craves the next hit the way a man lost in the desert craves water. And as if that isn't enough, those who battle addiction often feel the pain and isolation of our judgment.
As I thought over our conversation, I began to wonder how much alienation goes on in Christian circles - how many times Christians try to shove others into their version of perfection. I was uncomfortably aware that the answer was probably 'a lot.' It doesn't have to be the extremes of this type of abuse. It can be as simple of ridiculing different forms of worship. It can relate to what kind of school you send your children to or what rating of movie or video game you allow them to play."
"Jesus told his friends to go out into the world and share the gospel, not their opinions. It's what we do to one another with our words, our tone, and our body language that can make others feel isolated and judged. Have you felt that? Or have you, like me, been the one to dish it out? Did you feel justified in doing so?"
"I want us to look at what legalism does to our freedom in Christ and to our relationships to one another. As we saw in his letter to the church in Rome, Paul expressed the common cry of every believer who tried to live up to the standards of the law and fails miserably: 'What I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do...O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?' (Romans 7:15; 24) The interesting double standard, though, is that we still try to make others live up to what we cannot. That is legalism, and it is deadly. It is so easy to take the word of the law and miss the heart."
"When you break down the Ten Commandments, all God was asking us to do was to love Him and to love one another...A common thread throughout human history is our inability to live up to God's standards. But another thread can be traced: our desire to squeeze people into a mold of our making - to embrace a dead religion rather than a living truth. Both realities would leave us miserable...if it weren't for Christ. Moses gave us the Law from God, but Christ himself brought and embodied grace and truth to deliver us from ourselves and from the judgment of one another: 'For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ' (John 1:17).
The ground at the foot of the cross if even. There are no podiums for those who feel most worthy. There are no pits for those who feel that they don't belong. The only way to break free from this dead, stale religion is with the glorious gift of fresh-baked grace every morning for the rest of our lives!"
Thursday, August 6, 2009
if you want to kiss the sky...you better learn how to kneel
Lately, I have been feeling so unworthy of entering into the Lord's presence and promise of peace. My focus has been so distracted this summer and my spirit desperately in need of renewing and reviving. I seem to be waiting for the time to stop, reflect and renew; constantly battling the internal struggle of negative thoughts and the pace and expectations of this world. But, after Shiloh on Monday night, I was reminded that we are not always just given the time...we have to seek it. It's there, but in this hectic world, so easily missed. And in the process, missing so many precious moments of the present...of being present. So much joy, love, peace, grace and unlimited love is offered by our Savior...but, have I tapped into it? I have been running on dry and empty and wondering why. And how can I be a spring overflowing to others when I am not filled up myself? I can wallow in guilt and shame for not being good enough for God and letting the enemy build upon the failures in my mind or I can cry out to God. Last night, I found myself pouring over the Psalms and feeling, at last, myself being able to claim a little bit of the promise of peace and hope of my Savior against the despair and destruction of the enemy.
I want my attitude to be positive and my perspective to change. I want my heart and my life to reflect what God has done in it. And not just so I am changed and blessed, but for the transformations and blessings of my family and the generations to come after I am gone. For others, who I encounter in my journey through this life, to see a little bit of Christ in me and come to know Him. I am no where near where I need or want to be. But, I am not where I was. And I will probably need to start over again tomorrow. But, at least for today I am moving forward.
This daily devotional was in my inbox this morning. I love how God is so timely and speaks to each of our hearts and our circumstances individually. Beth Moore says that life is hard...no matter your circumstances. Whether it's an illness, a loss, marital problems or raising children...life is hard...and it's not always fair. We were never promised an easy life...but, we are promised a peaceful life when we tap into the only true source of Peace.
"Several months back, my daughter Ashley had a gymnastics meet that didn't go so well. She fell on almost every event. She scored well below her expectations and I thought there would be lots of tears at the awards ceremony. But, much to my surprise, she bounced up to me and exclaimed, "Mom, did you see I landed my vault on my feet. That's a good thing about today."
She then flitted off with her teammates to get ice cream. One of the other moms grabbed my arm and complimented Ashley's good attitude. Though I did feel sad for Ashley - after all she had worked so hard to prepare for this meet, my heart still swelled with joy. That compliment meant more than seeing my daughter with a neck full of gold medals. Do I want Ashley to win? Yes, of course. But seeing a good attitude displayed in the face of adversity - well that's simply priceless.
Ashley's outlook challenged me. How many times do I have something bad happen in my day and it just seems to turn my whole attitude south? Instead of just resigning myself to being emotional or sensitive, I've decided to see this as a call to action. I've started making the choice to say a simple statement that often diverts a bad attitude. And the statement is this, "If this is the worst thing that happens to me today, it's still a pretty good day."
Boy does this statement put things into perspective. I guess it's an everyday way to do a little heart check up. The Bible tells us that we should intentionally make our minds think of things that are good, true, excellent, and praiseworthy. The more I think about things like these, the more my perspective seems to stay in check. In Colossians 3:15 we are instructed to, "Let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts... and be thankful." Verse 16 goes on to say that we should also, "Let the word of God dwell in us richly..." Finally, verse 17 says, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus..."
Letting the peace of Christ rule in our hearts and letting the Word of God dwell in us richly doesn't just happen naturally. We have to intentionally make those choices. And we have to challenge ourselves to deal with the bad while focusing on all the good that is there as well.
So, what aggravation or disappointment are you facing today? If that's the worst thing that happens - I bet you could say it's still a pretty good day too."
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
paved with good intentions...
Have you ever felt like you are going backwards?? I find myself at my parents feeling more overwhelmed with what's coming up than relaxed on a semi-vacation. I got so much done while the kids stayed with them for a week. I purged and organized, decluttered and got ready for a new school year of paperwork and activities to come. I am shamelessly and ridiculously proud of my laundry room where all things school and cleaning are kept (I so wish I could call it a mud room....does anyone actually have a mud room? I keep seeing them in magazines and hope to meet someone that actually has one). I went through all of the clothes and closets, 2 bins and 6 bags of trash. And I now realize and accept that it is impossible to do that kind of cleaning and normal day to day cleaning. I went to the gym in the morning and I worked on organizing from 12-7 every day...and did nothing else. No wonder only one type of cleaning gets done at a time. I was able to save one day for total top to bottom house cleaning and one day for me.
I spent delicious time with my husband. We had evenings to ourselves and a terrific date. I think we ran the dishwasher once and the only reason I had more than one load of laundry to do was to do the sheets. Wow....but, as much as I accomplished and loved time with my sweet hubby...I desperately missed my kids. You know the quote, "Being a mother is like having your heart walk outside of your body for the rest of your life." How to strike the balance.....no seriously, how??
I read a book, "Breathe: Creating Space for God in a Hectic Life" that my sister in law gave my last summer as I panicked and obsessed before Izzy started kinder. I found myself drawn to this book again as I picked reading material for my parents lake house. As I started reading it, I thought, "Wow...this is so me...I really need to apply this...why didn't I remember this from last time?" Now, do you know what I mean about going backwards? This book talks about the Hurried Woman's Syndrome (seriously) and how hurry and stress effects our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. It stresses how imperative it is to live from the Center and how to keep God as the Center in order to slow down, simplify and live intentionally for Simplistic Sabbath. How we need to say "NO" as much as we say "YES". All things that we know and that we actually desire...so why is it so hard? And why do some women seen to be able to strike and achieve that balance better than others? Why do I seem to worry and obsess more than others? All things that I am sure Sam and I will discuss in depth more...
So, while I try to focus my thoughts more on gratitude and thankfulness...try to live in the spirit of joy, patience, kindness, love and self-control...try to slow down, simplify and have intentional Sabbath, I have several appointments for the kids and me, dance classes for Izzy and Becca, piano for Nicky and Izzy, soccer for Nicky, Back to School Night, Women's Ministry and Celebrate Recovery....oh and 5 pounds to lose that don't seem to be wanting to go anywhere...no matter how many times I wake up at 5 am to go workout...waiting for me when I return. Paved with good intentions...isn't that what they say? To be in the world, but not of it. To have a full life, but not get lost in the hurry of it. Paradoxes and contradictions. As Sam would say, life is all about holding these two things...contradictions and paradoxes in your hands at the same time....Balance.
If anyone has any insight, please feel free to share. I think we all need to know we are not alone in figuring out this thing called life. To not feel judged, but to know we are doing the best we can. To not be faced with criticism...goodness knows I provide enough for myself that I don't need it from anyone else. But, to be faced with compassion and understanding and maybe even relating. And perhaps when we make strides and grow in understanding and achievement of these things, we should remember from whence we came to get there. I am so lucky to have my amazing husband and family and women that in my life that I admire and that I can learn from. God has been so good to me. We are renewed and refined to bring glory to Him and to share it with others...to give Hope.
I spent delicious time with my husband. We had evenings to ourselves and a terrific date. I think we ran the dishwasher once and the only reason I had more than one load of laundry to do was to do the sheets. Wow....but, as much as I accomplished and loved time with my sweet hubby...I desperately missed my kids. You know the quote, "Being a mother is like having your heart walk outside of your body for the rest of your life." How to strike the balance.....no seriously, how??
I read a book, "Breathe: Creating Space for God in a Hectic Life" that my sister in law gave my last summer as I panicked and obsessed before Izzy started kinder. I found myself drawn to this book again as I picked reading material for my parents lake house. As I started reading it, I thought, "Wow...this is so me...I really need to apply this...why didn't I remember this from last time?" Now, do you know what I mean about going backwards? This book talks about the Hurried Woman's Syndrome (seriously) and how hurry and stress effects our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. It stresses how imperative it is to live from the Center and how to keep God as the Center in order to slow down, simplify and live intentionally for Simplistic Sabbath. How we need to say "NO" as much as we say "YES". All things that we know and that we actually desire...so why is it so hard? And why do some women seen to be able to strike and achieve that balance better than others? Why do I seem to worry and obsess more than others? All things that I am sure Sam and I will discuss in depth more...
So, while I try to focus my thoughts more on gratitude and thankfulness...try to live in the spirit of joy, patience, kindness, love and self-control...try to slow down, simplify and have intentional Sabbath, I have several appointments for the kids and me, dance classes for Izzy and Becca, piano for Nicky and Izzy, soccer for Nicky, Back to School Night, Women's Ministry and Celebrate Recovery....oh and 5 pounds to lose that don't seem to be wanting to go anywhere...no matter how many times I wake up at 5 am to go workout...waiting for me when I return. Paved with good intentions...isn't that what they say? To be in the world, but not of it. To have a full life, but not get lost in the hurry of it. Paradoxes and contradictions. As Sam would say, life is all about holding these two things...contradictions and paradoxes in your hands at the same time....Balance.
If anyone has any insight, please feel free to share. I think we all need to know we are not alone in figuring out this thing called life. To not feel judged, but to know we are doing the best we can. To not be faced with criticism...goodness knows I provide enough for myself that I don't need it from anyone else. But, to be faced with compassion and understanding and maybe even relating. And perhaps when we make strides and grow in understanding and achievement of these things, we should remember from whence we came to get there. I am so lucky to have my amazing husband and family and women that in my life that I admire and that I can learn from. God has been so good to me. We are renewed and refined to bring glory to Him and to share it with others...to give Hope.
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