my gift is my song...and this one's for you...how wonderful life is with you in the world...

I am reading this book, "Let Go" by Sheila Walsh, a Woman of Faith speaker, and it is wonderful. It's all about letting go and living in God's Grace. His amazing Grace. Breaking free of the shackles and living the life of freedom that God truly meant for us to live when He gave us the gift of Grace through the death and resurrection of Christ. This is my heart. This is my ministry. I'm not perfect at it...in fact most of the time I struggle with feeling like a failure. But, then I have Grace. We all do. The enemy wants to hold us back and lies to us about our progress and our value. God made us. That's our value. It is indisputable. So, why do we let it be disputed? By the enemy or anyone else? If God loves, values and accepts me...that should be enough. If God offers us Grace...shouldn't that be the least of what we offer each other? I want to. I want to love and live like Christ. I want to live it out. I want my life to reflect my faith so much that people see it just by looking and seeing God's light shining through the cracks of my brokenness. And when I'm not perfect at it or plain just messing it up...I still long for and need Grace.

I hope reading this excerpt from "Let Go" changes your heart. When I read this I thought, if I could put into words my heart...this would be it. And Ms. Walsh does it better than I ever could. It's long, but it is so worth it...

"She was sure her bag was heavier today than it was yesterday. Or perhaps, she reasoned, she was just worn it from everything going on in her life. She hadn't slept well the previous night and had awakened with such a headache. She poured coffee into a thermos and head out the door, catching a glimpse of her pale face in the glass. As she stepped outside, the insistent ringing of the phone dragged her back inside her apartment.
'We missed you last night,' a voice said with a definite edge.
'Yes, I'm sorry. I got home late and was so tired, and I hadn't taken the dog for a walk in two days. And I'm not...'
'Oh, we understood,' the voice cut in. 'It's just so easy to get into bad habits. Remember, the believer who tries to stand alone is easy prey for the enemy.'
'Yes, I know, but...'
'You missed the prayer meeting last week as well. It's not enough to pop in on Sunday mornings, you know,' the voice insisted, 'If you want to be a part of the body of Christ, you have to show up and do your part.'
'I'm actually finding it kind of hard to do my part right now.'
'And quite honestly, we feel that. Well, let's see if you can get a couple of early nights in so that you can be back to your best by Sunday.'
'I'll try, it's just that...'
'Good-bye now!'
'It's just that...I have chemotherapy on Wednesday nights now...'
But the voice was gone."

"We all long to be heard. We want to be seen as we really are, not as we at times appear to be. Like the woman in the story, we wish that life would slow down enough for us to be able to talk about what we're dealing with. I'm sure the person on the phone was well-intentioned, but good intentions can often leave us cold and alone.
Have you ever wished your friends, those in your small group, or even your spouse could hear behind what you're saying to what's really going on in your heart? Have you thought, 'Can't they see it in my eyes? Don't they know I'm sinking fast?'
Unfortunately, we live in a very fast-paced world, and all too often we find ourselves at the end of another without having connected to anyone in a meaningful way. Why is that? Is it because others don't want to listen or see our need? Or is it because we are unwilling to reveal that need? Or both?
Most often, I imagine, we don't tell others about our needs because we don't want to be thought less of. Have you ever felt misunderstood or judged by a Christian friend? If so, you know it's one of the most painful hurts the human soul can sustain. Perhaps you once you took a risk and told a friend of your struggles -- and instead of finding comfort, you experienced condemnation. Perhaps it happened at a time when your were already feeling vulnerable, and your friend's response made the pain all the more intense. Instead of feeling more known, you felt more alone. So you learned to just hold it in.
Human hearts are not rule-shaped, and when others try to squeeze us into their version of acceptability, it always causes wounds. We all long to be known, but because we fear others' reactions we have learned to guard ourselves [or, if you're like me, you don't learn that and just continue to share and get hurt!]. It is not always safe to be known. But, what if we're the ones causing the pain? What if we're not the judged but the judges?"

"I met her at a women's conference. I had been asked as a speaker to open and close a day filled with seminars and workshops. We bumped into each other in the corridor outside the main hall as we both tried to find our way to a particular room. As we walked together, we talked and discovered we had the most precious thing in common: we are both mothers of a boy. She's further down the road with her son, who is now out of high school. Christian will have turned twelve, God willing, by the time you read this book.
'I wish I had known what I know now when I was son was twelve,' she said.
'What would you have done differently?' I asked, hoping to pick up a few tips.
'I would have opened my eyes to the truth,' she said. 'I would have shaken myself out of denial.'
This was more than I'd seen coming, so I stopped walking and listened as she told me some of her son's story. It was a sad tale of drug and alcohol addiction. She adopted him when he was just a baby and had no idea he had a strong genetic predisposition to addiction. He gave his life to Christ as a young boy and had prayed over and over to be delivered, but the battles is fierce. He has been in and out of treatment programs wrestling with the demons that torment him.
I asked her what her greatest challenge or heartache has been, and her answer surprised me: she said it was watching how others in their church treated her son.
'If he had a brain tumor or cancer, they would be over with casseroles and flowers. But there are no flowers for my boy. People don't understand he is sick. They just think he is weak or a bum,' she said with tears in her eyes.
All she longed for was companionship and understanding on this terrible path she had to walk. Yet, at the time when she needed us - the church - the most, she felt our comfort the least.
I have to admit I had never thought of drug addiction or alcoholism that way. It's easy to put these struggles into the category of weakness or sin, but the reality is those whose brains are wired toward addiction go through tremendous pain if they try to break free. Everything within their bodies and brains craves the next hit the way a man lost in the desert craves water. And as if that isn't enough, those who battle addiction often feel the pain and isolation of our judgment.
As I thought over our conversation, I began to wonder how much alienation goes on in Christian circles - how many times Christians try to shove others into their version of perfection. I was uncomfortably aware that the answer was probably 'a lot.' It doesn't have to be the extremes of this type of abuse. It can be as simple of ridiculing different forms of worship. It can relate to what kind of school you send your children to or what rating of movie or video game you allow them to play."

"Jesus told his friends to go out into the world and share the gospel, not their opinions. It's what we do to one another with our words, our tone, and our body language that can make others feel isolated and judged. Have you felt that? Or have you, like me, been the one to dish it out? Did you feel justified in doing so?"

"I want us to look at what legalism does to our freedom in Christ and to our relationships to one another. As we saw in his letter to the church in Rome, Paul expressed the common cry of every believer who tried to live up to the standards of the law and fails miserably: 'What I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do...O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?' (Romans 7:15; 24) The interesting double standard, though, is that we still try to make others live up to what we cannot. That is legalism, and it is deadly. It is so easy to take the word of the law and miss the heart."

"When you break down the Ten Commandments, all God was asking us to do was to love Him and to love one another...A common thread throughout human history is our inability to live up to God's standards. But another thread can be traced: our desire to squeeze people into a mold of our making - to embrace a dead religion rather than a living truth. Both realities would leave us miserable...if it weren't for Christ. Moses gave us the Law from God, but Christ himself brought and embodied grace and truth to deliver us from ourselves and from the judgment of one another: 'For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ' (John 1:17).
The ground at the foot of the cross if even. There are no podiums for those who feel most worthy. There are no pits for those who feel that they don't belong. The only way to break free from this dead, stale religion is with the glorious gift of fresh-baked grace every morning for the rest of our lives!"

if you want to kiss the sky...you better learn how to kneel

Lately, I have been feeling so unworthy of entering into the Lord's presence and promise of peace. My focus has been so distracted this summer and my spirit desperately in need of renewing and reviving. I seem to be waiting for the time to stop, reflect and renew; constantly battling the internal struggle of negative thoughts and the pace and expectations of this world. But, after Shiloh on Monday night, I was reminded that we are not always just given the time...we have to seek it. It's there, but in this hectic world, so easily missed. And in the process, missing so many precious moments of the present...of being present. So much joy, love, peace, grace and unlimited love is offered by our Savior...but, have I tapped into it? I have been running on dry and empty and wondering why. And how can I be a spring overflowing to others when I am not filled up myself? I can wallow in guilt and shame for not being good enough for God and letting the enemy build upon the failures in my mind or I can cry out to God. Last night, I found myself pouring over the Psalms and feeling, at last, myself being able to claim a little bit of the promise of peace and hope of my Savior against the despair and destruction of the enemy.

I want my attitude to be positive and my perspective to change. I want my heart and my life to reflect what God has done in it. And not just so I am changed and blessed, but for the transformations and blessings of my family and the generations to come after I am gone. For others, who I encounter in my journey through this life, to see a little bit of Christ in me and come to know Him. I am no where near where I need or want to be. But, I am not where I was. And I will probably need to start over again tomorrow. But, at least for today I am moving forward.

This daily devotional was in my inbox this morning. I love how God is so timely and speaks to each of our hearts and our circumstances individually. Beth Moore says that life is hard...no matter your circumstances. Whether it's an illness, a loss, marital problems or raising children...life is hard...and it's not always fair. We were never promised an easy life...but, we are promised a peaceful life when we tap into the only true source of Peace.

"Several months back, my daughter Ashley had a gymnastics meet that didn't go so well. She fell on almost every event. She scored well below her expectations and I thought there would be lots of tears at the awards ceremony. But, much to my surprise, she bounced up to me and exclaimed, "Mom, did you see I landed my vault on my feet. That's a good thing about today."

She then flitted off with her teammates to get ice cream. One of the other moms grabbed my arm and complimented Ashley's good attitude. Though I did feel sad for Ashley - after all she had worked so hard to prepare for this meet, my heart still swelled with joy. That compliment meant more than seeing my daughter with a neck full of gold medals. Do I want Ashley to win? Yes, of course. But seeing a good attitude displayed in the face of adversity - well that's simply priceless.

Ashley's outlook challenged me. How many times do I have something bad happen in my day and it just seems to turn my whole attitude south? Instead of just resigning myself to being emotional or sensitive, I've decided to see this as a call to action. I've started making the choice to say a simple statement that often diverts a bad attitude. And the statement is this, "If this is the worst thing that happens to me today, it's still a pretty good day."

Boy does this statement put things into perspective. I guess it's an everyday way to do a little heart check up. The Bible tells us that we should intentionally make our minds think of things that are good, true, excellent, and praiseworthy. The more I think about things like these, the more my perspective seems to stay in check. In Colossians 3:15 we are instructed to, "Let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts... and be thankful." Verse 16 goes on to say that we should also, "Let the word of God dwell in us richly..." Finally, verse 17 says, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus..."

Letting the peace of Christ rule in our hearts and letting the Word of God dwell in us richly doesn't just happen naturally. We have to intentionally make those choices. And we have to challenge ourselves to deal with the bad while focusing on all the good that is there as well.

So, what aggravation or disappointment are you facing today? If that's the worst thing that happens - I bet you could say it's still a pretty good day too."

paved with good intentions...

Have you ever felt like you are going backwards?? I find myself at my parents feeling more overwhelmed with what's coming up than relaxed on a semi-vacation. I got so much done while the kids stayed with them for a week. I purged and organized, decluttered and got ready for a new school year of paperwork and activities to come. I am shamelessly and ridiculously proud of my laundry room where all things school and cleaning are kept (I so wish I could call it a mud room....does anyone actually have a mud room? I keep seeing them in magazines and hope to meet someone that actually has one). I went through all of the clothes and closets, 2 bins and 6 bags of trash. And I now realize and accept that it is impossible to do that kind of cleaning and normal day to day cleaning. I went to the gym in the morning and I worked on organizing from 12-7 every day...and did nothing else. No wonder only one type of cleaning gets done at a time. I was able to save one day for total top to bottom house cleaning and one day for me.

I spent delicious time with my husband. We had evenings to ourselves and a terrific date. I think we ran the dishwasher once and the only reason I had more than one load of laundry to do was to do the sheets. Wow....but, as much as I accomplished and loved time with my sweet hubby...I desperately missed my kids. You know the quote, "Being a mother is like having your heart walk outside of your body for the rest of your life." How to strike the balance.....no seriously, how??

I read a book, "Breathe: Creating Space for God in a Hectic Life" that my sister in law gave my last summer as I panicked and obsessed before Izzy started kinder. I found myself drawn to this book again as I picked reading material for my parents lake house. As I started reading it, I thought, "Wow...this is so me...I really need to apply this...why didn't I remember this from last time?" Now, do you know what I mean about going backwards? This book talks about the Hurried Woman's Syndrome (seriously) and how hurry and stress effects our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. It stresses how imperative it is to live from the Center and how to keep God as the Center in order to slow down, simplify and live intentionally for Simplistic Sabbath. How we need to say "NO" as much as we say "YES". All things that we know and that we actually desire...so why is it so hard? And why do some women seen to be able to strike and achieve that balance better than others? Why do I seem to worry and obsess more than others? All things that I am sure Sam and I will discuss in depth more...

So, while I try to focus my thoughts more on gratitude and thankfulness...try to live in the spirit of joy, patience, kindness, love and self-control...try to slow down, simplify and have intentional Sabbath, I have several appointments for the kids and me, dance classes for Izzy and Becca, piano for Nicky and Izzy, soccer for Nicky, Back to School Night, Women's Ministry and Celebrate Recovery....oh and 5 pounds to lose that don't seem to be wanting to go anywhere...no matter how many times I wake up at 5 am to go workout...waiting for me when I return. Paved with good intentions...isn't that what they say? To be in the world, but not of it. To have a full life, but not get lost in the hurry of it. Paradoxes and contradictions. As Sam would say, life is all about holding these two things...contradictions and paradoxes in your hands at the same time....Balance.

If anyone has any insight, please feel free to share. I think we all need to know we are not alone in figuring out this thing called life. To not feel judged, but to know we are doing the best we can. To not be faced with criticism...goodness knows I provide enough for myself that I don't need it from anyone else. But, to be faced with compassion and understanding and maybe even relating. And perhaps when we make strides and grow in understanding and achievement of these things, we should remember from whence we came to get there. I am so lucky to have my amazing husband and family and women that in my life that I admire and that I can learn from. God has been so good to me. We are renewed and refined to bring glory to Him and to share it with others...to give Hope.

keeping the faith...

Jonathan's job is going well. He is happy and without a laptop and blackberry from the company, he is not expected to work from home. I didn't realize how much time he spent working at home before. He's coming home later, which makes for a long day for mama, but when he's home he is 100% home. It's such a blessing! He is making less than half of what he was making before. It's going to be a huge adjustment for us. It's worth the sacrifice and I know that God will use this time as a valuable lesson for us to refocus on what's truly important and truly be grateful for what we have been given. We are still luckier than most...all of us are.

I am going on my 6th week straight of working out hard. WHEW! I just want props for keeping up with it...because I am tired! I am getting my lab work done next week to check my iron and thyroid levels again to make sure they are still in the normal range. I'm back to feeling fatigued and sluggish, which has been a struggle this summer with 3 kids (sick on and off), this ridiculous heatwave and just trying to keep up. That's how I feel....just trying to keep up...and it's exhausting. But, enough of my pity party, right? But, I will say, old school Bon Jovi is great to run to! When we come back from Dallas, I am planning on doing the Body for Life plan. Jonathan did it years ago and it was fabulous...perhaps after a 6 year break he might be willing to try again! :) Hmmm....we will see...

The kids and I will be leaving for Dallas tomorrow. We will be going to American Girl for Becca's birthday lunch and spending time with Nana and Papa both in Dallas and at the lake house. I am hoping for a break and some relaxation. My kids, without much of a structured schedule, have been up late this summer and Becca has all of a sudden decided not to sleep. I can't believe I am actually looking forward to school so that we can get back into a routine and schedule!

Izzy is loving dance team again and she and Nicky are going to start piano lessons when we get back from Dallas. Nicky is signed up for Fall soccer again and is so excited for Jonathan to coach his team again. Becca loves her dance class and dances to every song or commercial she hears...especially my cell phone Black Eyed Peas ring tone. It was very entertaining at the dentist office.

It's hard to believe that when we come back from Dallas, we will only have 3 weeks left until school...another year.

It's been a while...

Ok....first of all, I would like major props for my new blog. For those that know me, know that I am not a crafty person. I leave the scrapbooking, card making and cake decorating to those friends of mine that do it well...and Martha Stewart. And that fact that I have updated my blog at all is an achievement in itself!

Well, it has been quite a summer...Izzy finished kindergarten...and I survived. Nicholas turned five last week. Becca is as crazy as ever...and has finally started talking a little. Even if she is the only one who can truly understand what she is saying. She will be 2 at the end of this month. That and her starting her dance class has made her seem less like a baby and more like a big girl. Jonathan started a new job...right after his 3 month contract with Grande ended. And it seems to be the perfect job for him that kept us here in this place that has become home. In God's perfect timing and his many blessings that we never seem to deserve. It has also been a summer of ear infections and viruses and we are finally healthy -- all at once!

I witnessed a dear friend say good-bye to her mother after a long battle with cancer. I missed out on being there with an old friend who said to good-bye to her mother after a long battle with cancer. I am witnessing a dear friend dealing with her father's recent cancer diagnosis. And I am witnessing a dear friend fighting cancer. All three of them with grace, honesty, strength and much, much faith. They have been such an inspiration and a reminder of God's power and love. And I ask...with real life and real problems is it really necessary that we are seriously on a week of Michael Jackson news coverage?

I have started a new work out program with a friend that does private Pilate's sessions. It has been amazing. I finally realized with 3 kids, a husband that doesn't get home until 7pm and a home and life to take care of, the only way I would get it fit in would be to get up at 5:15 every morning to work out. I am proud to say that I am on my 4th week. I am past the exhaustion part and now looking forward to seeing results! Or, rather, I am trying to keep a positive attitude that I will see results after all this hard work!

I am also looking forward to some down time this summer...visiting my parents, leaving the kids with them to be spoiled for a few days while my hubby and I get spoiled by having alone time together for the first time in a long time. I am looking forward to my "retreat" before school starts again...heading to the lake house alone for a short weekend to spend time with God...to refocus, refresh and renew.

Izzy will be baptized right before school starts (I can't believe she will be starting 1st grade and turning 7)...she asked Jesus into her heart this summer after VBS. God is so good and I pray that she continues to follow Him all the days of her life. We have decided we will not be having any more birthdays in the Baker home. I don't mean parties...I mean birthdays. Izzy cannot ever turn 8, Nicky 6 or Becca 3...that's just too old and it would mean they are growing up. I just realized that in 11 short years or so Izzy will be leaving home. Ouch. Time is just moving too fast! At least Nicky will have one more year before heading off to kindergarten. And Becca, well, she loves her dance class, make up and shoes...I think we are in trouble! :)

I feel like I have fallen behind on keeping in touch...facebook, blogging, emails...they can consume so much time. I have taken a huge step back from keeping up with those in the last few months. But, I realized I have missed the family updates of my far away friends. I hope you all are well and feeling blessed!

summer daze...

OK...so my oldest is about to graduate from kindergarten. (sigh...pause...as I wipe my eyes). She is very sad and every time it comes up, she tells me, "Mommy, don't remind me." They had to clean out their kinder room today and she said that she cried. It probably doesn't help that her precious teacher is having a hard time holding back her own tears. While I truly believe she is sad and will greatly miss her wonderful blessing of a teacher, I am a little more concerned for me. When I dropped her off at school this morning I ended up getting caught in the hallway by the National Anthem. As I watched them sing and then Pledge of Allegiance at their little tables, my eyes filled up. We have their kindergarten graduation tomorrow morning and then their last day of school on Friday. When did time start going by so fast? She will be officially a first grader. A FIRST grader. She can read. When did that happen?? Nicholas, my sweet baby boy, will be turning five in June. FIVE. Becca, the baby, will be two. Two going on Twelve.

Nicky could officially start kinder this Fall, but we are waiting a year. He has had his second season of soccer and has turned out to be really great at it, if I must say. Becca is doing her first swim lessons this summer. She seems so little. Then I remember that Nicky was exactly this age when he did his first lessons with Ms. PJ. Seriously? She starts dance in 2 weeks. Yes. Little Becca in pink tights and ballet shoes. She is so excited!

Izzy tried out for dance team again and made level two with all of her friends from level 1. She was very nervous about making a level and what level she would be on. Now she is so excited to start on level 2 classes this summer. She seems to be starting on the journey of balancing being excited about moving forward while sad about leaving things and people behind. I don't think she realizes that yet, but it is a balance we try to strike for the rest of our adult lives. This amazing book I just read said, "A stinging pang of longing shot through me and I found myself of the verge of tears. I wondered if that's what I was up to, if I were doing what so many others have done, upstarts who head off to adventure in the big city only to choose the life their parents had chosen, moving onward and backward at the same time."

Isn't that what life's journey is? Moving onward and backward at the same time? Striving and progress, but never perfection in this lifetime. Isn't the art of understanding and maturing being able to balance two contradictions, two paradoxes, at the same time? That's what someone really smart and grounded told me once. It was after being reminded of this statement that I had a semi-epiphany. I look back into my past and see someone who was so naive, innocent and idealistic. I realized I have been sad and disappointed about losing those characteristics through my years of growing up, being hurt and overcoming. But, perhaps I haven't lost something. Perhaps, I have gained. I have gained experience, maturity, growth and maybe even a little wisdom. Perhaps it's a little of both. In order to gain something, we have to be willing to let go of something else. In order to "put on a new person in Christ" we have to be willing to let go of the old. Maybe we have to be willing not only for God to forgive us, but for us to forgive ourselves. I am not the person I was in high school. But, I am also not the person I was in college. I am not even the person I was yesterday. And by the grace of God I am constantly changing. I just pray that it's for the better...but every once in a while, I go backwards. Thank God for the grace to begin again...

This quote was on my friend's Praying for Kristi Blog...God is doing so many amazing miracles....big and small...I pray that we do not miss out on experiencing or witnessing even one of them...

"Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Grab life by the mane. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away. Chase the lion."
- Mark Batterson

dazed and confused...

There is so much going on right now, that I can't even wrap my head around it or make any sense of it. Life has gotten hectic. Just normal daily things to keep up with now that we are nearing the end of the school year. Then the not-so-normal things like still waiting on the Lord for what's next for Jonathan as far as work and what that means for us as a family. Then the uncertain things like finances, the economy, the nation, and the world. Then the "why" things like a 33-year-old friend and mom of 4 diagnosed with lymphoma cancer and another friend's mom home for hospice care.

I mentioned this to Jonathan the other day...how things seem so uncertain all of a sudden all at the same time. And he reasoned, quite pragmatically I might mention, that things are no different than they were this morning or yesterday or last year. Nothing is ever for certain and we have no guarantees. We have a sovereign God of grace who is mighty to save and overcomes the world. But, our world is a fallen one. Things just seem to be happening all at once around here, but yesterday, last week, last year...it was happening to someone else...we were just wrapped in our own false sense of security. Well.

Then I thought, "That's such a man response." Then I thought, "I just wish I could see things through God's eyes and heart." And then I kept asking, "But, Why?"

I am praying for complete healing for my friend and peace and comfort beyond understanding for my other dear friend. I pray for God's provision and guidance for wisdom and discernment for all of us trying to navigate this life in this world at this time. I pray for unlimited faith and trust...and joy during these uncertain times. I pray that the word of our testimonies will be strengthened and hope for others will grow as a result.

Today is just the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. One day at a time. Let go and let God. God is good...all the time. He is faithful. I don't know what He's up to...but, He does. Let's let God do what He does best.