The Story of Us

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged....while I have had much to say, I haven't found the time nor the words to say it. If I was any kind of good blogger...or mother...I would have tons of pictures to post. Ah, alas, I am not and I do not. As I sit with my 3rd cup of coffee (yes, my 3rd...as my friend says...I am not addicted...I can stop anytime I want to!), I am stunned by how much time has gone by and how fast it has come and gone. We are already in February...2009!! Isabelle is over half way through her first year in grade school, Nicky will be 5 this summer and Becca is a crazy 18 month old! How and when did this happen?

Izzy has her first loose tooth...it is wriggling big time, but has yet to fall out. I am so not ready for this. You know how it is with teeth...when they get them or lose them it changes their whole appearance. I was not ready for Becca to get her first tooth and lose her final stage of babyhood. Nor am I ready for Izzy to lose her first tooth and move into her first stage of being a full-fledged big girl. The big girl attitude is enough to deal with right now...does she have to look like one too? She is still loving kindergarten and especially her sweet and precious blessing of a teacher, Ms. Little. She is reading more and more every day and surprisingly good with numbers (she must have gotten this from daddy). She loves her dance classes and dance team. This week she is doing a dance clinic with the Hays High School Highsteppers Dance Team. As we walked up to the gym yesterday surrounded by high school students, she stopped in her tracks with nerves and I had to coax her in...I had forgotten how intimidating high school could be. Once in the gym, she was fine and ended up having a blast. I told her I was so proud that she went through something she wanted to do even though it was scary for her. As Spring approaches, she will be busy getting ready for their first dance team competition. Seriously.

Izzy is so much like me it is scary and every day I have to remind myself that she is not me...she is her own person. She will not grow up to have my issues...hopefully just her own! A friend gently reminded me, after I agonized over passing all of my issues onto her and worried about the hurt they would bring her, that God created her...perfectly...just as she is. She will have both strength and weaknesses, but He will use them all for good and for His glory. Just like me. It's hard to see the very things in you that you wish you could change and were different about yourself in your child. But, it has actually helped a little. It is so much easier to love and accept them in your child and I am learning to accept them in myself. Another blessing of motherhood...to learn and grow...and worry. But, I am also learning and growing in my worry as I learn to cast all of my fears and worries to Christ in prayer.

Nicky is playing basketball with the YMCA and Jonathan is his coach. I am so ridiculously proud of both of them. Nicky practices daily and never gives up. He even made a basket in last weekend's game! Jonathan is doing great with the kids and making it so much fun for them. He has a gentle and patient way with them full of humor and encouragement. It reminds me of what a wonderful father he is and how blessed I am to have him to lead our family and be so involved and engaged with our kids. Nicky is so excited for the basketball clinic this Saturday and the soccer season that follows in March. He still loves his pre-school and again I reminded by how blessed I am to have such a wonderful Christian pre-school, teachers and directors to influence my kids before they begin public school. He has grown so much this last year...emotionally (yes, he's still a pretty little guy...although he wants to eat every 20 minutes!!). I cannot believe he will be 5 this summer. He is my sweet baby boy...how can be almost 5? He could start kinder in the Fall, but as of right now, I am planning on waiting another year.

Becca is a 18 month old going on 4. She thinks she is a big girl. She follows her older siblings and thinks she is right there with them...anything they can do, she can do. She has given up her booster seat and is now sitting on her knees at the table. She fights to drink out of a big girl cup. She can scale the playscape in the backyard and fly down the slide (seriously, she is so light that she gets air on the slide!). She has fallen off the kitchen table and onto the tile floor. She can say "all done" and "thank you"...even though her family members are the only ones who can decipher it. She still says "mama" as though she is an Italian baby. And at her 18 month well visit (when she had the croup), Dr. Ana tried to remind me that Becca is not the boss of me. This statement followed the conversation of weaning her off of her paci and fruit snacks. She is spunky, independent and a little bit crazy.

Jonathan is my hero...not only did he catch (and sadly kill) a big ole mouse in our garage (all I can think about is every Disney movie I have seen about mice), but he keeps me grounded and balanced. He is an amazing father and wonderful husband. He is not perfect, but He's mine. And I am blessed. God did such an amazing thing with us. And He still is...

We have painted the guest bedroom and moved Nicky to it. Izzy got a new bed. And Becca is moving upstairs to Nicky's old room. I will be working on painting Becca's new room today. All of the kids will be upstairs and Izzy's daybed is moving downstairs to Becca's old room which will now be the guest room. The upstairs is a disaster right now as we work on this. Between the chaos in our home, our schedule, and the unsteady economy I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed. I am praying for precious moments of peace and clarity. I am doing Beth Moore's Esther bible study..."For such a time as this." I am having a hard time seeing my destiny. What do I have to offer that would change and affect many people? Where in my life is my destiny, my purpose...am I meeting it or missing it? Again, it's so much easier to believe, accept and see it in others...Beth Moore says that our testimony will have no affect if we're not transparent. "Sometimes our most important moments come hand-in-hand with our willingness to reveal that we aren't really who we've seemed to be." It's hard finding the balance of being transparent. This has been the very thing that has brought me pain in the past. Transparency combined with insecurity, seeking acceptance and fear has brought me to where I am today. Not such a bad thing...I have learned and grown from it through God's grace. But, can you be transparent without being hurt? Is it ever okay to be guarded with certain people? And how do you know? How can you be your true self, the woman God created you to be, transparent and vulnerable to be used for God's glory without being wounded? And if this is the calling to Christians, why is there so much judgement and hurt? Why aren't we all transparent...with our successes...and failures? With our growth and our junk?

Time is flying by. My kids are growing too fast. And I feel a sense of struggle and urgency of balance, priority and trying to figure it out. But, I digress...and reverting back to worry. Or is this just a phase? All I know is that I can spend so much time worrying, that I am missing out...of the blessings...and the moments...

"There's only One who knows
What's really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is HE'S OUT THERE WAITING

To Him the future's history
And He has given us a treasure called RIGHT NOW
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let the soften your heart

And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go

YOU GOTTA LET IT GO

Listen to your heartbeat

There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss
THE MIRACLE OF THE MOMENT"

--Steve Curtis Chapman

I am in a season of so much thankfulness, gratefulness and faith right now. Jonathan, as of tomorrow, will be 3 years sober. With three little ones in the house and me, that is a pretty serious feat! I am so proud of him, my wonderful husband, and the work he has allowed God to work in him and through him. I am so proud of the way he has grown as a man...and as a godly man. He is a fabulous father...the best I can think of. And he is a wonderful husband and an amazing provider. He is the smartest, hardest working, most honest and loyal person I know. And I am so thankful that God brought us together....and didn't give up on us. I am even thankful for the years where things weren't so great and the future didn't look so promising. For we wouldn't be where we are today without them. I am proud to see him as the leader of our home...and in Celebrate Recovery. I am humbled and honored to see the way he loves our family and the way he ministers to those hurting and in need.

I am grateful for the work God is doing in my life. It has been a season of refining, challenges and growth for me in 2008. I am living in the blessings and looking forward to the fruit. I remember in a Shiloh a long time ago, my friend teaching that a healthy fear of God is caring more about what He thinks than what others think. I think, perhaps, I finally get that. And it all comes back to what God has been whispering and screaming at me (the whispering wasn't working)...it's a choice. I have to choose to care more about what God thinks than others think. I have to choose because it goes against my flawed and insecure nature. I have to choose joy in all circumstances. I have to choose to forgive. I have to choose to be obedient. I have to choose to trust His miraculous work that I could never do on my own when my fears cause my faith to shake. For that and more, I am so grateful.

Our Christmas was wonderful. We spent some quality time as a family and then the kids and I went up to Dallas to visit with my parents and my grandparents and aunt and uncle who were also visiting. Having 4 generations in one house proved to be challenging and precious all at the same time. Seeing my kids with their great-grandparents and great-aunt and uncle is something I will hold dear forever. We were able to go to American Girl for lunch and get Izzy the Kitt doll. Nothing sweeter than seeing your little girls all dressed up and excited for a big girl date at a place that is so special for little girls. Nicky was able to have a big boy day with his Papa and my uncle. This included going to Build A Bear...and now we have a Cheetah named batman wearing a batman costume. Becca is waving (means means "I love you" unless she is waving good-bye) and blowing kisses. The way you tell if it's "I love you" is if it's followed by a blown kiss. Adorable, if I do say so myself.

The kids are back in school. Isabelle is so excited to be back in kinder with her friends and her favorite teacher, Ms. Little. Nicky and Becca are back into their preschool. We are officially back into a normal routine and regular schedule. Busy...but, so full of moments of peace, grace, thankfulness, laughter and joy when I slow down to take notice of them. And that's a choice.