The Story of Us

His mercies are new every morning...thank God!

2010-08-17T05:54:00.000-07:00

Well, it has been a good while since I have written anything. But, as we have ended another summer and are standing at the beginning of another school year facing change all around us, I feel inclined to begin again...as God feels the need to "begin again" and to complete the good work He began in me. My life has been such a journey...a glorious journey of highs of immense joy and lows of deep hurt. I know everyone can relate because we all walk along this journey in this broken world. Life is hard...even when it's good...and it's full of hurting people. But, we have this Treasure in these imperfect jars of clay!

Here's to another year...Izzy is starting the 2nd grade. Nicholas is starting kindergarten. Becca just turned 3. When did this happen? Life is going by...and I don't want to miss a second. And I don't want to miss out on the purpose and passion God graciously gave me. Finding the balance of living in the present...breathing in this moment, but always keeping the big picture in mind. Holding the paradox of we need to lose our life to find it in our hands....and living it. Here's to His promises and to journey of living in His grace and love.

Our summer has been busy. Busier than I had intended and not quite what I expected. Isn't that how it always is? Expect one thing...and God has other plans for you! It began with the death of my grandmother and an unexpected and long trip with the kids to South Carolina. How blessed I was that I could be there with my family and be there for my grandfather. We returned just in time for the girls' recital, the kids' to begin there seemingly endless activities (did we really mean to sign up for Art Camp, Hero's Camp, Soccer Camp, Dance and Swim Lessons??), and me to teach my 6 classes a week (thank goodness the kids love the gym!).

We did get a marvelous reprieve to Hawaii...after an 8 hour flight (the kids were amazingly well behaved) and a 5 hour time difference...we were in Waikiki where we learned that child is "Kiki" in Hawaiian (what Becca calls Nicky and hence all of us do now), Isabelle is "Kili Kili" in Hawaiin (the enormous sea turtle that we got to see first hand in the North Shore was named that also), and Jenny is "Kini Kini" (I learned that from a tattoo parlor...yes, Jonathan and I looked, but didn't get another one!). We went to Pearl Harbor where Nicky, Jonathan and my dad got to meet a former soldier who survived the attack. We went to several different beautiful beaches and when the kids got tired of the salt water and Becca got tired of being knocked over by waves, we went to the pool on the beautiful property of the military hotel, Hale Koa, where we were staying. We went to the Polynesian Culture Center where we tried Poi, learned to Hula, Izzy got on stage and did a coconut dance, we saw man climb a palm tree with nothing but his hands and feet, and attended a Luau where Becca got called on stage so they could sing "Happy Birthday" to her. We created memories. And then came home and tried to recover from so many memories created! I was going to put pictures from Hawaii on here, but Jonathan allegedly uploaded them to our computer, but I can't find them!

I just had a mini-retreat with God and I read "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. I can't even begin to tell you what God revealed and began to heal in me. He is good. So good. He has set my feet upon a rock in this crazy world. "She is clothed in strength and dignity, she will laugh at the days to come." Proverbs 31.

I have a 42 year old woman that comes to my yoga class. I love the people I get to meet when I teach. I teach them, yet I learn so much from them in the process. There isn't a day that I don't walk away with a different perspective or new found wisdom. She is the amazingly honest woman that is further down in the journey of life who is so willing to encourage those coming up behind her. She told me that there was nothing like her 30's and raising children to bring her to her knees and bring her humility. She said it was the most difficult thing she has done so far. Whew! So, it's not just me! And I will get through this season...hopefully better, stronger and closer to God for it. If not for me, for those coming up behind me.

it's all in the details...

2009-12-02T15:14:00.000-08:00

Ever have a day where you get up at 6am hoping for some quiet time and a cup of coffee before you hear the pitter patter of little feet, yet there they come? Probably because those little feet were kicking you all night in bed and couldn't help but get up when you did! Then as you kiss your oldest good-bye you hear the crashing of a plate of left-over french toast being pulled down from the counter by one of the dogs...while the other one is peeing and pooping in the other room. Then as you put the dogs out to try and clean up, they get out. Your son can't find his shoes, your other daughter can't find her lunchbox and the garage door won't close. And isn't it fun being a mom?? Gotta love it. Because among and within the organized chaos, you find moments of joy and humor...in the details. Sometimes I just need to slow down enough to notice them...because they make everything worthwhile.

If Becca weren't so cute and funny, she would get in so much more trouble. The other morning Jonathan gave Becca 2 gummy vitamins for herself and then gave her two more and told her to go give them to her brother, "Kikki" (her name for Nicky). She goes into the other room for a few minutes and then comes out and says, "All gone!" Jonathan asked, "Did you give the vitamins to Kikki?" (unfortunately for Nicky, they name has stuck for all of us). Becca replied with a sweet, "Nooooo." Jonathan asks incredulously, "Well, where are they?" Becca's reply? She opens her mouth...And grins.

Since Izzy, or "Sissy", according to Becca, has debunked the whole Tooth Fairy character, she started asking questions about Santa. She asked, "Mommy, do you and daddy buy the presents or does Santa?" I reply, "Well, Mommy and daddy buy you some things, but Santa also brings something. But, we do it because it's Jesus' birthday." Izzy silently ponders this. "Okay...but, Jesus is the best present!" This, after she gave all $20 she had saved and donated it to her school's Turkeys Tackling Hunger because she, "wanted to feel a whole family for Thanksgiving." In fact, the first grade raised more money than any other grade!

This afternoon, while Becca was taking a nap, I put Play Station 3 soccer on for Nicky (his favorite). I got into bed to defrost and thaw out from bible study (brrrr....it is cold for Texas) and to try and get rid of the headache that was coming on. After a few minutes (and after Nicky beat the computer 13-0), he comes in and cuddles up to me. "Mommy, I love soccer...but, I love you more!" He is also a wonderful and caring brother. Becca has been scared of the dark (and of her curtains??) in her room at night. Monday night, as we were putting her to bed, she starts crying for "Kikki!!" She's been sleeping with him ever since. On Tuesday he made his two sisters and me bead bracelets. When he gave it Izzy, she said, "Oh, Nicky, it's beautiful! I love you!" Then she turns to me and says, "That's better than thank you, isn't it mommy?"

Okay, so Becca isn't sleeping in her own bed, Izzy got her guitar taken away last week because of a sassy attitude (and has yet to earn it back) and Nicky gets grounded from PS 3 soccer at least once a week, there are still those precious moments when a light goes on and your heart smiles and you think, "Every thing's going to be Okay."

give me your eyes for just one second, give me your eyes so I can see, everything that I keep missin', give me your love for humanity...

2009-11-19T10:52:00.000-08:00

Do you remember who and where you were before you knew Christ? Are you still tremendously thankful and humbled by how Christ has changed your life? I bet we all are. But, do you get caught up in the day to day and forget? I know I do. Maybe if we were more thoughtful, mindful and consistent to remember His grace in awe, we could see through His eyes and love His humanity. The world could use more love. Crazy good love. You have to read "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan and here is why...

"Brooke Bronkowski was a beautiful fourteen-year-old girl who was in love with Jesus. When she was in junior high, she started a Bible study on her campus. She spent her babysitting money on Bibles so she could give them out to her unsaved friends. Youth pastors who heard about this brought her boxes of Bibles to give away. Brooke wrote the following essay when she was about twelve; it will give you an idea of the kind of girl she was.

'Since I Have My Life Before Me' by Brooke Bronkowski

I'll live my life to the fullest. I'll be happy. I'll brighten up. I will be more joyful than I have ever been. I will be kind to others. I will loosen up. I will tell others about Christ. I will go on adventures and change the world. I will be bold and not change who I really am. I will have no troubles but instead help others with their troubles.
You see, I'll be one of those people who love to be history makers at a young age. Oh, I'll have moments, good and bad, but I will wipe away the bad and only remember the good. In fact, that's all I remember, just good moments, nothing in between, just living my life to the fullest. I'll be one of those people who somewhere with a mission, an awesome plan, a world-changing plan, and nothing will hold me back. I'll set an example for others, I will pray for direction.
I have my life before me. I will give others the joy I have and God will give me more joy. I will do everything God tell me to do. I will follow the footsteps of God. I will do my best!!!'

"During her freshman year in high school, Brooke was in a car accident while driving to the movies. Her life on earth ended when she was just fourteen, but her impact didn't. Nearly fifteen hundred people attended Brooke's memorial service. People from her public high school read poems she had written about her love for God. Everyone spoke of her example and joy.

I shared the gospel and invited those who wanted to know Jesus to come up and give their lives to Him. There must have been at least two hundred students on their knees at the front of the church praying for salvation. Ushers gave a Bible to each of them. They were Bibles that Brooke had kept in her garage, hoping to give out to all of her unsaved friends. In one day, Brooke led more people to the Lord than most ever will."

crazy...in love...

2009-11-17T15:17:00.000-08:00

I have started to read a much talked about book in my circle of church and Facebook friends, "Crazy Love" by Francis Chan. I am not too far into the book, but I am already hooked. I can love God more. We all can. I can focus on Him more. We all can. I can be more mindful about His awesomeness and majesty more. We all can. I can listen to Him more. We all can. This life is God's movie. It's all about Him. And I am blessed to have a bit part in His kingdom here on earth to have an eternal one in the ever after with Him.

"We have only our two-fifths-of-a-second-long scene to live. I don't know about you, but I want my two-fifths of a second to be about my making much of God. First Corinthians 10:31 says, 'So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." That is what our each of our two-fifths of a second is about. So what does that mean for you? Frankly, you need to get over yourself. It might sound harsh, but that's seriously what it means."

I love how Francis Chan challenges us, the church, to change. There are serious problems in our church, which is the body of Christ. But, we can't just sit back and point fingers and place the blame on others. We need to look inside. What needs to be changed in us? How can we love more? How can we give God all the glory? We don't need to measure ourselves against the standard of those around us, but against the One who sets the standard.

"I think it's far too easy to blame the American church without acknowledging that we are each part of the church and therefore responsible. But, I think we all feel deeply, even if we haven't voiced it, that the church in many ways is not doing well. I get nervous when I think of how we've missed who we are supposed to be, and sad when I think about how we're missing out on all that God wants for the people He loved enough to die for...We need to stop giving people excuses not to believe in God. You've probably heard the expression 'I believe in God, just not organized religion.' I don't think people would say that if the church truly lived like we are called to live. The expression would change to 'I can't deny what the church does, but I don't believe in their God.' At least then they'd address their rejection of God rather than use the church as a scapegoat. "

I know people who have turned their backs on the church. Hurt by the body of Christ, they have walked away from it, never intending to turn their back on God. I know others that are seeking to fill the void of emptiness and despair with joy, hope, peace and love, seeking everything and everyone other than God. I firmly believe that the church, the body of Christ, should be the very first place someone hurting and broken can go to find hope and healing. And it breaks my heart that often times, it's not. Christianity is growing at rapid rates in countries where it is illegal to be a Christian. People are risking their physical lives for their spiritual ones. But, what about the countries where we are free to worship Christ? Is it that others have a greater need for the gospel? I don't think so. I don't think it matters where or who you are. All of our need for Christ is great. What is the one thing thing that separates Christianity from every other religion? Grace. I know I need grace. What about you? "Crazy Love is the perfect title for this book. When Jesus was asked, 'What is the greatest commandment?' He responded with 'Love.' " I know I need love. What about you? But, I also need to give more grace and more love. What about you?

"There is an epidemic of spiritual amnesia going around, and none of us is immune. No matter how many fascinating details we learn about God's creation, no matter how many pictures we see of His galaxies, and no matter how many sunsets we watch, we still forget. Most of know that we are supposed to love and fear God; that we are supposed to read our Bibles and pray so that we can get to know Him better; that we are supposed to worship Him with our lives. But, actually living it out is challenging. It confuses us when loving God is hard. Shouldn't it be easy to love a God so wonderful? When we love God because we feel we should love Him, instead of genuinely loving out of our true selves, we have forgotten who God really is. Our amnesia is flaring up again. It may sound 'un-Christian' to say that on some mornings I don't feel like loving God, or I just forget to. But I do. In our world, where hundreds of things distract us from God, we have to intentionally and consistently remind ourselves of Him."

OK, I am only on page 50 and I am already a little more than crazy in love with this book...and with God!

fyi on the 411

2009-11-13T11:56:00.000-08:00

Well, it's Friday and I have had a great week! I have found, after a friend forced me to go work out Monday night, a great workout schedule at my gym. I had an awesome girl-time lunch with my best girlfriends yesterday. I had a wonderful run and Yoga class this morning, got all of my Thanksgiving shopping done and a great day with my kids so far. What more could you ask for? I may be behind in laundry and Sophie continues to poop and pee in the house, but it's all about perspective, right?

My amazing husband of 9 years has his 37th birthday this Tuesday! We are celebrating starting tonight for Family Fun Night. I say "starting" because if it were up to him he would get a "Birthday Month", but we have compromised on a "Birthday Week." I am thankful for him. And I love him more every year...even with each gray hair that grows! (looks so much better on him than it does on me!).

I have been reading this amazing daily devotional, "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. She is a missionary who for years journaled her quiet time with the Lord. She recorded not only her thoughts and prayer requests, but God's quiet voice that spoke to her in her stillness in return. She wrote this devotional from the perspective of God speaking to you. It's beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. I would encourage anyone to get this!

The best PMS movies: "Under the Tuscan Sun" or "P.S. I Love You." I am assuming "The Time Traveler's Wife" will make it to this list, but I have yet to see it. I will confirm once I do.

I can't wait for Thanksgiving Week. The kids get a whole week off. I look forward to slowing down and being mindful about what we are and have to be so thankful for. God is good! All the time! So, Have a Happy Thanksgiving! Have an attitude of gratitude! Be thankful and thank the One that provides everthing.

"It has taken me many years to understand that God simply wants us to embrace what he has already done for us and rest in that. What I discovered is that when I am trying so hard to live a good life, all the focus is on me. Then all I can see is where I am flawed or failing. When I take my eyes off myself and my performance, and focus instead on the love of God and the companionship of Christ, not only is there amazing joy in that place, but peace too. Jesus wants us to live in his victory. He has already overcome the enemy. He has already paid for our sin...Resting in the love of God means letting go of all the broken pieces we cling to and clinging to him instead. An overcomer is not someone who has never fallen, but rather someone who knows where her true strength lies." ("Let Go" by Shelia Walsh).

P.S. God loves you no matter what...whether you trick or treat or choose not to, public school or homeschool, or put a Christmas tree up in December or choose not to. I hope we all focus on the reason for the season and be thankful and love. God is love. And love makes the world go round. "As you are, right at this moment, God loves you. He knows all that is true about you, and he loves you. Even when you can't forgive yourself, He forgives you. There is nothing you can do to make Him love you more. There is nothing you can do to make Him love you less. This is the promise of Grace." ("Let Go").

shout out to God's girls...Holla!

2009-11-05T07:32:00.000-08:00

Rejection

Lysa TerKeurst

"For the LORD will not reject his people; he will never forsake his inheritance."

Psalm 94:14 (NIV)

Devotion:

A few months back I got a phone call I'd been hoping for over 15 years to receive. It was the slightest crack in the doorway of a dream.

I was hesitantly excited. When you have wanted something for a long time and it comes close to becoming a reality, it's thrilling and terrifying all at the same time. Suddenly, your heart shifts from neutral into this vulnerable place where acceptance co-mingles with rejection. And you are all too aware things could go either way.

Following the call, I packaged up my application to send and let my mind prematurely celebrate.

Then I waited.

And waited.

And nothing.

Feeling like a foolish girl who'd bought a prom dress before actually being asked to the dance, I sheepishly called to inquire whether or not my application had been received. I was told it had been and if I hadn't heard anything yet, I should assume it was a "no."

Ouch.

That's when you go sit on your back deck, close your eyes, and decide whether to let the tears slip quietly down your cheeks or blink them back in an act of courageous defiance.

Rejection stinks.

I mean it really stinks.

It stunk when Saxon Palmer didn't ask me to couple skate in the 5th grade. It stunk when my Dad left our family. It stunk when I thought I was getting engaged at the very dinner my college love broke up with me. It stunk when each of my book proposals for years were declined by publishers. And it stunk when I sat on my deck and processed this situation.

Sometimes things like this just simply stink and there's no cheery rainbow or pot of gold around the next corner. The music doesn't crescendo as the hero in the story scoops you onto the side of his horse and the two of you ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

Sometimes it just is what it is. And that's that.

But God's girls have a beautiful promise tucked in our pocket that lets us smile even when tears puddle in the corner of our eyes. Even when there's no rainbow, pot of gold, or galloping prince, we have the promise of redemption.

On the other side of every death there will always be a resurrection of some sort. Maybe not a resurrection of our circumstances. And maybe not a resurrection of things lining up like we thought they should. But there will be a resurrection. Jesus has insured that.

Nothing in this world can permanently strip hope from our lives when we know we do "not follow cleverly invented stories...about the power and coming of our Lord Jesus Christ" but we follow the reality of the Risen One (2 Peter 1:16, NIV). He is our resurrection.

He is our hope.

He is that beautiful reminder that rejection from man never means rejection from God.

And He is the one who is weaving a story into our life that will one day make sense.

Dear Lord, I know You suffered the sting of rejection in a much more intense way than I ever will. And while this rejection is small in the grand scheme of life, it feels huge in my heart right now. Will You help me process this? Will You help me see past it? Will You let this fragile heart feel the warmth of Your acceptance and love today? In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Related Resources:

Visit Lysa's blog to talk about keeping our identity secure even when circumstances make us doubt.

Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl by Lysa TerKeurst

P31 Woman magazine

Application Steps:

The reality is our identity in Christ is always certain even when circumstances are constantly shifting. We must park our mind on the truth of who God says we are. Read Lysa's blog today for more on how to do this.

Reflections:

How can I separate my identity from my circumstance? Spend some time contemplating this today.

Power Verses:

Romans 8:38-39, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." (NIV)

Isaiah 54:10, "'Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,' says the LORD, who has compassion on you." (NIV)

Proverbs 31 Ministries

616-G Matthews-Mint Hill Road

Matthews, NC 28105

www.proverbs31.org

come together...right now...

2009-10-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

So, Izzy's seventh birthday has come and passed. I can't believe that such a big deal came and went so fast. I have a feeling that time will just keep going by faster and faster. How will I keep up? Because I don't want to miss a thing. I want to slow down and breathe in and take it all in. But, I digress...we had a great and special time. My parents came in town and we went to Sea World. It poured all the way there and we had already decided that if it was still pouring we would just turn around and go home. But, when we got there the rain stopped and...there were no lines to be seen anywhere. The weather was cool in the morning, warm in the afternoon, and cool in the evening.

We were able to make every show, feed and pet the dolphins and ride the Shamu roller coaster several times. I love, LOVE the Shamu show. From the minute they show the Military commercial and ask all military and retired military and their families to stand, I cry. I tear up when I see an old man stand up as people applaud his bravery and sacrifice. I tear up when I see the young soldiers and airmen in uniform walk around the park with their loved ones. I tear up when I see my dad salute them and thank them for their service.

I am an Air Force Brat. I moved 13 times in 18 years. I went to 3 high schools in 4 years. I have lived in 2 other countries than the States and have visited a lot more than that. My parents were in 2 other countries the whole time I was in college. I have always hated the question, "Where are you from?" How do you answer that when your "home" is a state of mind. When you have never felt at home anywhere, but a little bit of everywhere. No one, unless they share in this unique situation and experience, can understand.

One of my dearest and oldest friends and fellow BRAT sent me a link about a movie called "BRATS: Our Journey Home." I sent it to other fellow BRAT friends and my parents. My dad ordered the DVD and brought it with them on this visit. We were given a wonderful day while the kids were at school to watch this unique documentary together. I am blessed by the parents I have and how they raised me. I am blessed with the relationship I still have with them. I would not be who I am without them.

I love hearing people's stories. My favorite part of Celebrate Recovery is hearing testimonies. I love learning about people, their past, their families, their hurts and their triumphs. After watching this movie, I realized how being a BRAT is a big part of my story. Watching this movie made me realize what a special, unique and wonderful group of humanity we are. Our unique childhood experiences have shaped who we have become. I may be flawed and will always have to work through my imperfections and flaws, but watching this movie made me appreciate even my flaws. For they came from an interesting experience and a great price.

So, here's to not just all the military, but also their families that did not sign up for a tour of duty, but served and sacrificed just the same. Here is a summary of the movie...and to be honest, a summary of a little bit of all of us BRATS.

"It's hard to imagine a military BRAT'S childhood. Moving from base to base around the world, they are at home everywhere - and nowhere. There are 1.2 million children being raised in the military today. An estimated 15 million Americans are former BRATS. They include actors Jessica Alba and Robert Duvall, Senator John McCain, and basketball star Shaquille O'Neal.

BRATS is the first cinematic glimpse into a global subculture whose journey to adulthood is a high-octane mixture of incredible excitement and enormous pain. Make no mistake - BRATS is not about the U.S. military - it's about their children, who grow up in a paradox that is idealistic and authoritarian, privileged and perilous, supportive and stifling - all at the same time. Their passports say "United States," but they're really citizens of the world.

Singer/songwriter and Air Force brat Kris Kristofferson leads us through the heart of their experiences, sharing intimate memories with fellow BRATS, including General Norman Schwarzkopf and author Mary Edwards Wertsch, whose ground-breaking book, Military Brats: Legacies of Childhood Inside the Fortress, was one of the seminal inspirations for this film. Their stories reveal the peculiar landscape of their childhood, the culture that binds them together, and the power it exerts over their adult lives.

A seven-year work of passion by independent filmmaker Donna Musil, BRATS features rare archival footage, home movies and private photographs from post-war Japan, Germany, and Vietnam."

i was made to love you...

2009-10-07T10:29:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is Izzy's 7th birthday. Seriously. SEVEN. I remember when my friends' kids were turning 7 and I thought that seemed so old. It's the first birthday where they really aren't little kids any more. It's her first "Big Girl" birthday...and it's breaking this mommy's heart. I am so proud (and just a little relieved) that she committed her life to Christ and followed Him in baptism this year. And I am so excited to see her relationship with the Lord grow as she continues to grow in Him. I just pray that she will forever have a heart for God and will follow Him all the days of her life. I pray that her identity and confidence will be found in Christ...and in Christ alone. I pray that I will not fail miserably in this precious job that God entrusted in my care.

We are busy. I wonder how we got here. I always have good intentions to have a slower and simple pace of life and then, before you know it, I am over-committed and stressed. With all good things like dance (seeing Becca in tap shoes and how much Izzy loves it is precious), piano, soccer (seeing my sweet, quiet Nicky shine on the field is awesome!), prayer meetings like Moms in Touch, bible study, Homeroom mom, and Celebrate Recovery. All wonderful things. But, then add cleaning, cooking, laundry, driving, errands, paying bills, volunteering...um, life...and you have stress. And with stress, it seems that the joy - even in the good things - is gone.

Now, I just want to create space and time to breathe...to refresh and renew...for me, my marriage, my family and my ministry. To have joy...in all things. To give God glory for all of these amazing opportunities and blessings He has faithfully lavished on us. All of us. How many times do I just stop and say "Thank you, Lord!" without asking for anything? He tells us to come to Him with gratitude...a thankful heart and spirit. Oh, how we should be so humbled with how He has blessed us. Oh, how selfish we are with His grace. Why do we get so caught up in ourselves and our lives that our thank yous are short and our list of petitions are long?

"Repentance is one of the most wonderful privileges Christ has given us through Hiss cross...we haven't repented, however, until we've experienced what 2 Corinthians 7:10 calls 'godly sorrow.' It's the kind that brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret...the first inappropriate response to the awareness that we've treated holy things as unholy is a lack of repentance. The other extreme is debilitating guilt and an unwillingness to let go of past failure long after repentance. God is looking for the healthy response of godly sorrow that brings repentance, not emotional self-mutilation."

I was made for God. I was made to love Him. We all were. There is so much from this week's homework from Daniel that spoke to me that I don't even know where to start. I just feel really blessed. To see how He has worked in my life...how He has delivered and redeemed me. Why is it so easy to forget to have a grateful heart and spirit? I would be a mess without Jesus! And I was. And a lot of times, I still am! That's why I need Him. I don't know why it's so hard for me to accept and believe that I am holy vessel for God. Because He says I am. That should be enough for me to believe it. But, I hold onto old patterns of thinking and lies that I am not. And I find myself thinking how dishonoring that is to Him. Boy, do I want my life to reflect my heart and what God has done in it!

"Beloved, my 'hopeless sorrow' totally missed the meaning of the biblical word redemption. God redeems something by buying it back through the payment of a ransom. He gave the life of His Son as the ransom to buy us back from the clutches of sin. He has also bought back the rights to our past and all its failures. It we cooperate, He'll turn every single one of those failures into something useful for His kingdom."

We all have our past and our failures...our hurts, old habits and patterns of behavior. Beth Moore talked about "keeping our noses clean." Recovery talks about "keeping your side of the street clean." Both mean to deal with your stuff and keep right with God. But, it also means that we are not going around wiping other people's noses or sweeping up their sides of the street. That is up to them to do. I pray that we will all deal with our "stuff" and repent..."to get off repentant knees white as snow, utterly pure and totally restored to fellowship with God." To no longer walk around with gaping wounds, but to walk upright...healed...with just the scars to tell our testimony.

"God isn't looking for perfection. He's looking for purity of heart: our authentic desire to do His will and give Him glory...You and I want God to be able to look on us amid our overindulged, self-absorbed culture, then glance to His right and say, 'She has an extraordinary spirit, doesn't she, Son?' Perhaps Christ will nod His head and, while thinking the thoughts of an anxious bridegroom, lean over and say, 'And isn't she beautiful?'

not better...not worse...just different...

2009-09-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

Oh. My. Goodness...there are a handful of books and movies that I just think everyone needs to experience for themselves. And you know what it's like. You are so moved, so touched, you can barely stop yourself from annoying everyone around you by sharing it with them. And, I mean actually quoting from it...to everyone. I felt this way when I read "The Diary of Anne Frank, "The Hiding Place," "Redeeming Love," "Dinner With a Perfect Stranger, " "The Notebook," and "The Shack" and when I watched "Crash." Not the easiest to read or watch....some would say gut wrenching, but so worth it. Some would say...life changing. Or you would hope life changing. Like Beth Moore says about Kind Neb, you want to learn it by reading it, not experiencing it for yourself...and you want it to stick.

"Same Kind of Different As Me" is that kind of book. It will move you. It will touch you. And it will make you want to change the world. Even while knowing that perhaps the change you will make will be small...because it will start with you. I have this philosophy that we are not better...not worse than each other. Just different. And I think we are not all that different. We probably have a lot more in common, if we took the time and the change of heart to look through God's eyes. Yet, we focus on all these things that separate and divide us, when we could be looking at maybe the one thing that can unite us. And perhaps we spend entirely too much focusing on what's wrong and what needs to be changed in others, that we completely miss what needs to change in us. "Sometimes we don't recognize ourselves until we judge another and hear the Holy Spirit resound within our hearts, 'You are that person!' " (Beth Moore, Daniel). Ouch. God called us to love one another...not fix one another. Only He is qualified to do that.

"Same Kind of Different As Me" is a tale of "a modern-day slave, an international art dealer, and the unlikely woman who bound them together...gritty with pain and betrayal and brutality, it also shines with an unexpected, life-changing love...without a doubt, in the heart of God." One of the homeless men in the book tells Ron Hall, the rich art dealer, that we aren't all that different. We are all just a few paychecks, an unfortunate circumstance, and our spouse leaving us away from being on the streets. Denver Moore, the modern-day slave, sees the irony in how rich people call raw fish "sushi" and the poor man calls it "bait." Though but for the grace of God, go I.

"I guess we were pretty good at the whole Christian thing - or maybe we were bad at it - because we managed to alienate many of our old college friends. With our new spiritual eyes, we could see they didn't have fish stickers [on their cars] either, and we set about saving them from eternal damnation with all the subtlety of rookie linebakers. Looking back now, I mourn the mutual wounds inflicted in verbal battles with the 'unsaved.' In fact, I have chosen to delete that particular term from my vocabulary as I have learned that even with my $500 European-designer bifocals, I cannot see into a person's heart to know his spiritual condition. All I can do is tell the jagged tale of my own spiritual journey and declare that my life has been the better for having followed Christ." (Ron Hall, "Same Kind of Different As Me," emphasis mine.).

Let us be changed. Forever changed. From the inside out. Let our hearts break for what breaks His heart. Let us begin changing the world by first changing the only one we can...ourselves. Just imagine...

"Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one"

Oh, how love covers a multitude of things. Sometimes, all you need is love. God's love.

have a little faith in me...

2009-09-23T14:56:00.000-07:00

I am doing Beth Moore's Daniel bible study for the 2nd time. I did it over 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Becca. I love doing my homework and comparing my current answers with my answers from 2 years ago. Fortunately, I do detect a deeper sense of understanding, a different and fresh perspective and maturity that the past 2 years have brought. Unfortunately, I still see that some of my issues and struggles of insecurity and low-self esteem are the same. I may have made progress, but I still have so far to go. I'm not who I am meant to be yet, but at least I am not who I was. That's the whole point, right? Even Beth (yes, I feel as though we are on a first name basis...after all, she does refer to me as "beloved") says that we will never reach perfection in this lifetime. Of course she says it...scripture says it. It is only when we are called home to our Father...when we run into his arms and see Him face to face will our faith be perfected.

Doing this study is like reading a fabulous book to me. I just want to tell everyone about it. I think my husband and my small group are so annoyed with me because I want to share what I have gleamed and learned...a lot. It's timely and it's God speaking directly into my heart. And it's exciting. I want a firm and resolved faith like Daniel...and I wouldn't mind a heart like David's and a love and devotion like John's to go along with it.

We are so blessed with Jonathan's job. He got it in God's perfect timing. We learned a lot during that time of waiting. And, he is happy. It's longer hours and half of his previous pay, but he is a man that comes home happy. And that's worth a lot. And I truly believe that God is using this new salary to challenge us to see where our hearts and priorities are. What's truly important? What lasts? Did you know that if you can afford to buy a book and have the education to read a book, you are richer than the majority of the people in the world?

I have also been feeling Him speaking this to me about our schedules and how we spend our time. What are we doing that will be eternal? My relationship with God. Praying for my husband and my children is eternal. My friendships. Ministering to the hurts and emotional wounds of others. Listening to others people's stories. Sharing mine. Giving God all of the glory. I am so excited (when I am not stressed sorting through coupons at the grocery store or wondering where the time went) to see what God will do with our obedience and trust to His will and provisions.

It takes resolve to make it in this "Babylonian" culture. Without resolve, we will lose our identity and integrity in our over-indulgent, self-absorbed and permissible culture, Beth teaches. "Whether or not we are conscious of it, you and I are daily being indoctrinated and 'trained' by our culture...God wants us to recognize the critical priority of deliberate training in godliness." It's also a choice. In a culture where we are given 7-10 different choices just when we order our coffee, it's a choice whose voice we listen to. Is it the magazine rack? Hollywood? Neighbors? Friends? Or the only One whose voice matters? If our relationship is right with the Lord and we are listening to only his voice...no one else's matters. And, just like the three thrown into the fiery furnace, we don't have to defend our choice to anyone. We only have to answer to God. Whew...I know that's not a new concept to anyone, but for someone that worries about what other people think entirely to much, it was such a relief.

Beth talks about how our unresolved sin and untreated weaknesses leave a foothold for the enemy. We can either deal with our "stuff" with God or our "stuff" will deal with us...and the enemy will use it against us...any chance he can get. I am trying to deal with my stuff...for my walk, for God's hand print to be all over me, for my marriage, for my children and for my friendships. Hurt people, hurt people. Because, when we haven't dealt, we are just the walking wounded leaving a trail of hurt in our wake. And, like Celebrate Recovery says, "God never wastes a hurt" (when we deal with it, that is). Beth talks about how grateful she is for her two humble daughters "who will risk people knowing they're imperfect in order to minister." I love that. LOVE it! But, why is it a risk? None of us are perfect, so why is it taking such a gamble to take off the mask and be our vulnerable, imperfect, authentic selves? "What do we do with the grace we've received? We start by ripping off the labels we've placed on others who are different than us. Not just having, but showing mercy."

Who and what would I be without Jesus? I would be a mess. I remember reading "Get Out of the Pit" by Beth. Her husband had been ministering to someone on the phone. When he was done, with a heavy heart, he asked her, "Who would I have been if things had been different? If I had made different choices?" She paused and says the Holy Spirit must have spoken through her because she could never have thought to say it on her own and responded, "You are a much neater person healed than you would have been well."

This is why I would like a little Beth Moore to put in my pocket and carry her around all day.

my gift is my song...and this one's for you...how wonderful life is with you in the world...

2009-09-04T07:04:00.000-07:00

I am reading this book, "Let Go" by Sheila Walsh, a Woman of Faith speaker, and it is wonderful. It's all about letting go and living in God's Grace. His amazing Grace. Breaking free of the shackles and living the life of freedom that God truly meant for us to live when He gave us the gift of Grace through the death and resurrection of Christ. This is my heart. This is my ministry. I'm not perfect at it...in fact most of the time I struggle with feeling like a failure. But, then I have Grace. We all do. The enemy wants to hold us back and lies to us about our progress and our value. God made us. That's our value. It is indisputable. So, why do we let it be disputed? By the enemy or anyone else? If God loves, values and accepts me...that should be enough. If God offers us Grace...shouldn't that be the least of what we offer each other? I want to. I want to love and live like Christ. I want to live it out. I want my life to reflect my faith so much that people see it just by looking and seeing God's light shining through the cracks of my brokenness. And when I'm not perfect at it or plain just messing it up...I still long for and need Grace.

I hope reading this excerpt from "Let Go" changes your heart. When I read this I thought, if I could put into words my heart...this would be it. And Ms. Walsh does it better than I ever could. It's long, but it is so worth it...

"She was sure her bag was heavier today than it was yesterday. Or perhaps, she reasoned, she was just worn it from everything going on in her life. She hadn't slept well the previous night and had awakened with such a headache. She poured coffee into a thermos and head out the door, catching a glimpse of her pale face in the glass. As she stepped outside, the insistent ringing of the phone dragged her back inside her apartment.
'We missed you last night,' a voice said with a definite edge.
'Yes, I'm sorry. I got home late and was so tired, and I hadn't taken the dog for a walk in two days. And I'm not...'
'Oh, we understood,' the voice cut in. 'It's just so easy to get into bad habits. Remember, the believer who tries to stand alone is easy prey for the enemy.'
'Yes, I know, but...'
'You missed the prayer meeting last week as well. It's not enough to pop in on Sunday mornings, you know,' the voice insisted, 'If you want to be a part of the body of Christ, you have to show up and do your part.'
'I'm actually finding it kind of hard to do my part right now.'
'And quite honestly, we feel that. Well, let's see if you can get a couple of early nights in so that you can be back to your best by Sunday.'
'I'll try, it's just that...'
'Good-bye now!'
'It's just that...I have chemotherapy on Wednesday nights now...'
But the voice was gone."

"We all long to be heard. We want to be seen as we really are, not as we at times appear to be. Like the woman in the story, we wish that life would slow down enough for us to be able to talk about what we're dealing with. I'm sure the person on the phone was well-intentioned, but good intentions can often leave us cold and alone.
Have you ever wished your friends, those in your small group, or even your spouse could hear behind what you're saying to what's really going on in your heart? Have you thought, 'Can't they see it in my eyes? Don't they know I'm sinking fast?'
Unfortunately, we live in a very fast-paced world, and all too often we find ourselves at the end of another without having connected to anyone in a meaningful way. Why is that? Is it because others don't want to listen or see our need? Or is it because we are unwilling to reveal that need? Or both?
Most often, I imagine, we don't tell others about our needs because we don't want to be thought less of. Have you ever felt misunderstood or judged by a Christian friend? If so, you know it's one of the most painful hurts the human soul can sustain. Perhaps you once you took a risk and told a friend of your struggles -- and instead of finding comfort, you experienced condemnation. Perhaps it happened at a time when your were already feeling vulnerable, and your friend's response made the pain all the more intense. Instead of feeling more known, you felt more alone. So you learned to just hold it in.
Human hearts are not rule-shaped, and when others try to squeeze us into their version of acceptability, it always causes wounds. We all long to be known, but because we fear others' reactions we have learned to guard ourselves [or, if you're like me, you don't learn that and just continue to share and get hurt!]. It is not always safe to be known. But, what if we're the ones causing the pain? What if we're not the judged but the judges?"

"I met her at a women's conference. I had been asked as a speaker to open and close a day filled with seminars and workshops. We bumped into each other in the corridor outside the main hall as we both tried to find our way to a particular room. As we walked together, we talked and discovered we had the most precious thing in common: we are both mothers of a boy. She's further down the road with her son, who is now out of high school. Christian will have turned twelve, God willing, by the time you read this book.
'I wish I had known what I know now when I was son was twelve,' she said.
'What would you have done differently?' I asked, hoping to pick up a few tips.
'I would have opened my eyes to the truth,' she said. 'I would have shaken myself out of denial.'
This was more than I'd seen coming, so I stopped walking and listened as she told me some of her son's story. It was a sad tale of drug and alcohol addiction. She adopted him when he was just a baby and had no idea he had a strong genetic predisposition to addiction. He gave his life to Christ as a young boy and had prayed over and over to be delivered, but the battles is fierce. He has been in and out of treatment programs wrestling with the demons that torment him.
I asked her what her greatest challenge or heartache has been, and her answer surprised me: she said it was watching how others in their church treated her son.
'If he had a brain tumor or cancer, they would be over with casseroles and flowers. But there are no flowers for my boy. People don't understand he is sick. They just think he is weak or a bum,' she said with tears in her eyes.
All she longed for was companionship and understanding on this terrible path she had to walk. Yet, at the time when she needed us - the church - the most, she felt our comfort the least.
I have to admit I had never thought of drug addiction or alcoholism that way. It's easy to put these struggles into the category of weakness or sin, but the reality is those whose brains are wired toward addiction go through tremendous pain if they try to break free. Everything within their bodies and brains craves the next hit the way a man lost in the desert craves water. And as if that isn't enough, those who battle addiction often feel the pain and isolation of our judgment.
As I thought over our conversation, I began to wonder how much alienation goes on in Christian circles - how many times Christians try to shove others into their version of perfection. I was uncomfortably aware that the answer was probably 'a lot.' It doesn't have to be the extremes of this type of abuse. It can be as simple of ridiculing different forms of worship. It can relate to what kind of school you send your children to or what rating of movie or video game you allow them to play."

"Jesus told his friends to go out into the world and share the gospel, not their opinions. It's what we do to one another with our words, our tone, and our body language that can make others feel isolated and judged. Have you felt that? Or have you, like me, been the one to dish it out? Did you feel justified in doing so?"

"I want us to look at what legalism does to our freedom in Christ and to our relationships to one another. As we saw in his letter to the church in Rome, Paul expressed the common cry of every believer who tried to live up to the standards of the law and fails miserably: 'What I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do...O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?' (Romans 7:15; 24) The interesting double standard, though, is that we still try to make others live up to what we cannot. That is legalism, and it is deadly. It is so easy to take the word of the law and miss the heart."

"When you break down the Ten Commandments, all God was asking us to do was to love Him and to love one another...A common thread throughout human history is our inability to live up to God's standards. But another thread can be traced: our desire to squeeze people into a mold of our making - to embrace a dead religion rather than a living truth. Both realities would leave us miserable...if it weren't for Christ. Moses gave us the Law from God, but Christ himself brought and embodied grace and truth to deliver us from ourselves and from the judgment of one another: 'For the law was given through Moses, but grace and truth came through Jesus Christ' (John 1:17).
The ground at the foot of the cross if even. There are no podiums for those who feel most worthy. There are no pits for those who feel that they don't belong. The only way to break free from this dead, stale religion is with the glorious gift of fresh-baked grace every morning for the rest of our lives!"

if you want to kiss the sky...you better learn how to kneel

2009-08-06T05:24:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been feeling so unworthy of entering into the Lord's presence and promise of peace. My focus has been so distracted this summer and my spirit desperately in need of renewing and reviving. I seem to be waiting for the time to stop, reflect and renew; constantly battling the internal struggle of negative thoughts and the pace and expectations of this world. But, after Shiloh on Monday night, I was reminded that we are not always just given the time...we have to seek it. It's there, but in this hectic world, so easily missed. And in the process, missing so many precious moments of the present...of being present. So much joy, love, peace, grace and unlimited love is offered by our Savior...but, have I tapped into it? I have been running on dry and empty and wondering why. And how can I be a spring overflowing to others when I am not filled up myself? I can wallow in guilt and shame for not being good enough for God and letting the enemy build upon the failures in my mind or I can cry out to God. Last night, I found myself pouring over the Psalms and feeling, at last, myself being able to claim a little bit of the promise of peace and hope of my Savior against the despair and destruction of the enemy.

I want my attitude to be positive and my perspective to change. I want my heart and my life to reflect what God has done in it. And not just so I am changed and blessed, but for the transformations and blessings of my family and the generations to come after I am gone. For others, who I encounter in my journey through this life, to see a little bit of Christ in me and come to know Him. I am no where near where I need or want to be. But, I am not where I was. And I will probably need to start over again tomorrow. But, at least for today I am moving forward.

This daily devotional was in my inbox this morning. I love how God is so timely and speaks to each of our hearts and our circumstances individually. Beth Moore says that life is hard...no matter your circumstances. Whether it's an illness, a loss, marital problems or raising children...life is hard...and it's not always fair. We were never promised an easy life...but, we are promised a peaceful life when we tap into the only true source of Peace.

"Several months back, my daughter Ashley had a gymnastics meet that didn't go so well. She fell on almost every event. She scored well below her expectations and I thought there would be lots of tears at the awards ceremony. But, much to my surprise, she bounced up to me and exclaimed, "Mom, did you see I landed my vault on my feet. That's a good thing about today."

She then flitted off with her teammates to get ice cream. One of the other moms grabbed my arm and complimented Ashley's good attitude. Though I did feel sad for Ashley - after all she had worked so hard to prepare for this meet, my heart still swelled with joy. That compliment meant more than seeing my daughter with a neck full of gold medals. Do I want Ashley to win? Yes, of course. But seeing a good attitude displayed in the face of adversity - well that's simply priceless.

Ashley's outlook challenged me. How many times do I have something bad happen in my day and it just seems to turn my whole attitude south? Instead of just resigning myself to being emotional or sensitive, I've decided to see this as a call to action. I've started making the choice to say a simple statement that often diverts a bad attitude. And the statement is this, "If this is the worst thing that happens to me today, it's still a pretty good day."

Boy does this statement put things into perspective. I guess it's an everyday way to do a little heart check up. The Bible tells us that we should intentionally make our minds think of things that are good, true, excellent, and praiseworthy. The more I think about things like these, the more my perspective seems to stay in check. In Colossians 3:15 we are instructed to, "Let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts... and be thankful." Verse 16 goes on to say that we should also, "Let the word of God dwell in us richly..." Finally, verse 17 says, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus..."

Letting the peace of Christ rule in our hearts and letting the Word of God dwell in us richly doesn't just happen naturally. We have to intentionally make those choices. And we have to challenge ourselves to deal with the bad while focusing on all the good that is there as well.

So, what aggravation or disappointment are you facing today? If that's the worst thing that happens - I bet you could say it's still a pretty good day too."

paved with good intentions...

2009-07-29T06:42:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt like you are going backwards?? I find myself at my parents feeling more overwhelmed with what's coming up than relaxed on a semi-vacation. I got so much done while the kids stayed with them for a week. I purged and organized, decluttered and got ready for a new school year of paperwork and activities to come. I am shamelessly and ridiculously proud of my laundry room where all things school and cleaning are kept (I so wish I could call it a mud room....does anyone actually have a mud room? I keep seeing them in magazines and hope to meet someone that actually has one). I went through all of the clothes and closets, 2 bins and 6 bags of trash. And I now realize and accept that it is impossible to do that kind of cleaning and normal day to day cleaning. I went to the gym in the morning and I worked on organizing from 12-7 every day...and did nothing else. No wonder only one type of cleaning gets done at a time. I was able to save one day for total top to bottom house cleaning and one day for me.

I spent delicious time with my husband. We had evenings to ourselves and a terrific date. I think we ran the dishwasher once and the only reason I had more than one load of laundry to do was to do the sheets. Wow....but, as much as I accomplished and loved time with my sweet hubby...I desperately missed my kids. You know the quote, "Being a mother is like having your heart walk outside of your body for the rest of your life." How to strike the balance.....no seriously, how??

I read a book, "Breathe: Creating Space for God in a Hectic Life" that my sister in law gave my last summer as I panicked and obsessed before Izzy started kinder. I found myself drawn to this book again as I picked reading material for my parents lake house. As I started reading it, I thought, "Wow...this is so me...I really need to apply this...why didn't I remember this from last time?" Now, do you know what I mean about going backwards? This book talks about the Hurried Woman's Syndrome (seriously) and how hurry and stress effects our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. It stresses how imperative it is to live from the Center and how to keep God as the Center in order to slow down, simplify and live intentionally for Simplistic Sabbath. How we need to say "NO" as much as we say "YES". All things that we know and that we actually desire...so why is it so hard? And why do some women seen to be able to strike and achieve that balance better than others? Why do I seem to worry and obsess more than others? All things that I am sure Sam and I will discuss in depth more...

So, while I try to focus my thoughts more on gratitude and thankfulness...try to live in the spirit of joy, patience, kindness, love and self-control...try to slow down, simplify and have intentional Sabbath, I have several appointments for the kids and me, dance classes for Izzy and Becca, piano for Nicky and Izzy, soccer for Nicky, Back to School Night, Women's Ministry and Celebrate Recovery....oh and 5 pounds to lose that don't seem to be wanting to go anywhere...no matter how many times I wake up at 5 am to go workout...waiting for me when I return. Paved with good intentions...isn't that what they say? To be in the world, but not of it. To have a full life, but not get lost in the hurry of it. Paradoxes and contradictions. As Sam would say, life is all about holding these two things...contradictions and paradoxes in your hands at the same time....Balance.

If anyone has any insight, please feel free to share. I think we all need to know we are not alone in figuring out this thing called life. To not feel judged, but to know we are doing the best we can. To not be faced with criticism...goodness knows I provide enough for myself that I don't need it from anyone else. But, to be faced with compassion and understanding and maybe even relating. And perhaps when we make strides and grow in understanding and achievement of these things, we should remember from whence we came to get there. I am so lucky to have my amazing husband and family and women that in my life that I admire and that I can learn from. God has been so good to me. We are renewed and refined to bring glory to Him and to share it with others...to give Hope.

keeping the faith...

2009-07-16T05:35:00.000-07:00

Jonathan's job is going well. He is happy and without a laptop and blackberry from the company, he is not expected to work from home. I didn't realize how much time he spent working at home before. He's coming home later, which makes for a long day for mama, but when he's home he is 100% home. It's such a blessing! He is making less than half of what he was making before. It's going to be a huge adjustment for us. It's worth the sacrifice and I know that God will use this time as a valuable lesson for us to refocus on what's truly important and truly be grateful for what we have been given. We are still luckier than most...all of us are.

I am going on my 6th week straight of working out hard. WHEW! I just want props for keeping up with it...because I am tired! I am getting my lab work done next week to check my iron and thyroid levels again to make sure they are still in the normal range. I'm back to feeling fatigued and sluggish, which has been a struggle this summer with 3 kids (sick on and off), this ridiculous heatwave and just trying to keep up. That's how I feel....just trying to keep up...and it's exhausting. But, enough of my pity party, right? But, I will say, old school Bon Jovi is great to run to! When we come back from Dallas, I am planning on doing the Body for Life plan. Jonathan did it years ago and it was fabulous...perhaps after a 6 year break he might be willing to try again! :) Hmmm....we will see...

The kids and I will be leaving for Dallas tomorrow. We will be going to American Girl for Becca's birthday lunch and spending time with Nana and Papa both in Dallas and at the lake house. I am hoping for a break and some relaxation. My kids, without much of a structured schedule, have been up late this summer and Becca has all of a sudden decided not to sleep. I can't believe I am actually looking forward to school so that we can get back into a routine and schedule!

Izzy is loving dance team again and she and Nicky are going to start piano lessons when we get back from Dallas. Nicky is signed up for Fall soccer again and is so excited for Jonathan to coach his team again. Becca loves her dance class and dances to every song or commercial she hears...especially my cell phone Black Eyed Peas ring tone. It was very entertaining at the dentist office.

It's hard to believe that when we come back from Dallas, we will only have 3 weeks left until school...another year.

It's been a while...

2009-07-02T05:58:00.000-07:00

Ok....first of all, I would like major props for my new blog. For those that know me, know that I am not a crafty person. I leave the scrapbooking, card making and cake decorating to those friends of mine that do it well...and Martha Stewart. And that fact that I have updated my blog at all is an achievement in itself!

Well, it has been quite a summer...Izzy finished kindergarten...and I survived. Nicholas turned five last week. Becca is as crazy as ever...and has finally started talking a little. Even if she is the only one who can truly understand what she is saying. She will be 2 at the end of this month. That and her starting her dance class has made her seem less like a baby and more like a big girl. Jonathan started a new job...right after his 3 month contract with Grande ended. And it seems to be the perfect job for him that kept us here in this place that has become home. In God's perfect timing and his many blessings that we never seem to deserve. It has also been a summer of ear infections and viruses and we are finally healthy -- all at once!

I witnessed a dear friend say good-bye to her mother after a long battle with cancer. I missed out on being there with an old friend who said to good-bye to her mother after a long battle with cancer. I am witnessing a dear friend dealing with her father's recent cancer diagnosis. And I am witnessing a dear friend fighting cancer. All three of them with grace, honesty, strength and much, much faith. They have been such an inspiration and a reminder of God's power and love. And I ask...with real life and real problems is it really necessary that we are seriously on a week of Michael Jackson news coverage?

I have started a new work out program with a friend that does private Pilate's sessions. It has been amazing. I finally realized with 3 kids, a husband that doesn't get home until 7pm and a home and life to take care of, the only way I would get it fit in would be to get up at 5:15 every morning to work out. I am proud to say that I am on my 4th week. I am past the exhaustion part and now looking forward to seeing results! Or, rather, I am trying to keep a positive attitude that I will see results after all this hard work!

I am also looking forward to some down time this summer...visiting my parents, leaving the kids with them to be spoiled for a few days while my hubby and I get spoiled by having alone time together for the first time in a long time. I am looking forward to my "retreat" before school starts again...heading to the lake house alone for a short weekend to spend time with God...to refocus, refresh and renew.

Izzy will be baptized right before school starts (I can't believe she will be starting 1st grade and turning 7)...she asked Jesus into her heart this summer after VBS. God is so good and I pray that she continues to follow Him all the days of her life. We have decided we will not be having any more birthdays in the Baker home. I don't mean parties...I mean birthdays. Izzy cannot ever turn 8, Nicky 6 or Becca 3...that's just too old and it would mean they are growing up. I just realized that in 11 short years or so Izzy will be leaving home. Ouch. Time is just moving too fast! At least Nicky will have one more year before heading off to kindergarten. And Becca, well, she loves her dance class, make up and shoes...I think we are in trouble! :)

I feel like I have fallen behind on keeping in touch...facebook, blogging, emails...they can consume so much time. I have taken a huge step back from keeping up with those in the last few months. But, I realized I have missed the family updates of my far away friends. I hope you all are well and feeling blessed!

summer daze...

2009-05-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

OK...so my oldest is about to graduate from kindergarten. (sigh...pause...as I wipe my eyes). She is very sad and every time it comes up, she tells me, "Mommy, don't remind me." They had to clean out their kinder room today and she said that she cried. It probably doesn't help that her precious teacher is having a hard time holding back her own tears. While I truly believe she is sad and will greatly miss her wonderful blessing of a teacher, I am a little more concerned for me. When I dropped her off at school this morning I ended up getting caught in the hallway by the National Anthem. As I watched them sing and then Pledge of Allegiance at their little tables, my eyes filled up. We have their kindergarten graduation tomorrow morning and then their last day of school on Friday. When did time start going by so fast? She will be officially a first grader. A FIRST grader. She can read. When did that happen?? Nicholas, my sweet baby boy, will be turning five in June. FIVE. Becca, the baby, will be two. Two going on Twelve.

Nicky could officially start kinder this Fall, but we are waiting a year. He has had his second season of soccer and has turned out to be really great at it, if I must say. Becca is doing her first swim lessons this summer. She seems so little. Then I remember that Nicky was exactly this age when he did his first lessons with Ms. PJ. Seriously? She starts dance in 2 weeks. Yes. Little Becca in pink tights and ballet shoes. She is so excited!

Izzy tried out for dance team again and made level two with all of her friends from level 1. She was very nervous about making a level and what level she would be on. Now she is so excited to start on level 2 classes this summer. She seems to be starting on the journey of balancing being excited about moving forward while sad about leaving things and people behind. I don't think she realizes that yet, but it is a balance we try to strike for the rest of our adult lives. This amazing book I just read said, "A stinging pang of longing shot through me and I found myself of the verge of tears. I wondered if that's what I was up to, if I were doing what so many others have done, upstarts who head off to adventure in the big city only to choose the life their parents had chosen, moving onward and backward at the same time."

Isn't that what life's journey is? Moving onward and backward at the same time? Striving and progress, but never perfection in this lifetime. Isn't the art of understanding and maturing being able to balance two contradictions, two paradoxes, at the same time? That's what someone really smart and grounded told me once. It was after being reminded of this statement that I had a semi-epiphany. I look back into my past and see someone who was so naive, innocent and idealistic. I realized I have been sad and disappointed about losing those characteristics through my years of growing up, being hurt and overcoming. But, perhaps I haven't lost something. Perhaps, I have gained. I have gained experience, maturity, growth and maybe even a little wisdom. Perhaps it's a little of both. In order to gain something, we have to be willing to let go of something else. In order to "put on a new person in Christ" we have to be willing to let go of the old. Maybe we have to be willing not only for God to forgive us, but for us to forgive ourselves. I am not the person I was in high school. But, I am also not the person I was in college. I am not even the person I was yesterday. And by the grace of God I am constantly changing. I just pray that it's for the better...but every once in a while, I go backwards. Thank God for the grace to begin again...

This quote was on my friend's Praying for Kristi Blog...God is doing so many amazing miracles....big and small...I pray that we do not miss out on experiencing or witnessing even one of them...

"Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Grab life by the mane. Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes. Keep seeking God. Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences. Consider the lilies. Enjoy the journey. Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshipping what's right with God. Burn sinful bridges. Blaze a new trail. Criticize by creating. Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. Don't try to be who you're not. Be yourself. Laugh at yourself. Quit holding out. Quit holding back. Quit running away. Chase the lion."
- Mark Batterson

dazed and confused...

2009-05-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

There is so much going on right now, that I can't even wrap my head around it or make any sense of it. Life has gotten hectic. Just normal daily things to keep up with now that we are nearing the end of the school year. Then the not-so-normal things like still waiting on the Lord for what's next for Jonathan as far as work and what that means for us as a family. Then the uncertain things like finances, the economy, the nation, and the world. Then the "why" things like a 33-year-old friend and mom of 4 diagnosed with lymphoma cancer and another friend's mom home for hospice care.

I mentioned this to Jonathan the other day...how things seem so uncertain all of a sudden all at the same time. And he reasoned, quite pragmatically I might mention, that things are no different than they were this morning or yesterday or last year. Nothing is ever for certain and we have no guarantees. We have a sovereign God of grace who is mighty to save and overcomes the world. But, our world is a fallen one. Things just seem to be happening all at once around here, but yesterday, last week, last year...it was happening to someone else...we were just wrapped in our own false sense of security. Well.

Then I thought, "That's such a man response." Then I thought, "I just wish I could see things through God's eyes and heart." And then I kept asking, "But, Why?"

I am praying for complete healing for my friend and peace and comfort beyond understanding for my other dear friend. I pray for God's provision and guidance for wisdom and discernment for all of us trying to navigate this life in this world at this time. I pray for unlimited faith and trust...and joy during these uncertain times. I pray that the word of our testimonies will be strengthened and hope for others will grow as a result.

Today is just the tomorrow we worried about yesterday. One day at a time. Let go and let God. God is good...all the time. He is faithful. I don't know what He's up to...but, He does. Let's let God do what He does best.

baby, it's cold outside...

2009-04-21T11:26:00.001-07:00

Well, Jonathan has a 2nd interview on Thursday morning here in Austin. It seems like the perfect next step for him and he is very excited and has been working so hard to prepare for this 2nd interview. I am so ridiculously proud of him.

After with praying with friends, church family and our pastor, I finally realized that it's okay to ask God for what we want. Chances are, He knows already! So, while I have had to intentionally and diligently prepare and open my heart to whatever the Lord has next for us and trust Him in the meantime, I am now fervently praying that He will keep us here. Home.

One of the precious things I have taken from this journey is that this is home. Being an Air Force Brat, I have never felt "from" somewhere. I never felt like I had a "home" or "roots." But, I have realized I am home. If I moved, I would tell people I was from here...little Kyle, Texas! My children are from Texas. And it's Okay to ask the Lord for our hearts desires. And be open to the answer He has prepared for us.

There have also been other phone interviews and interest in places such as Colorado, California, New York and Minnesota. Seriously. This is how I see that going:

On Friday it was a steady stream of rain and sporadic thunder rolls in the background. The temperature was low 70s, maybe high 60s. Isabelle comes home from school and wants hot chocolate. After Izzy and Nicky are cradling their steaming cups of hot chocolate, Nicky asks me if we have any firewood because, "it's so freezing outside!" I told Jonathan, "I don't think God is calling us to Minnesota."

intentionally content....

2009-04-17T06:00:00.000-07:00

As I work to refocus my thoughts that have a tendency to be negative toward myself, I am intentionally looking for things to be thankful for and to see the blessings from my faithful God in even the smallest things. So instead of constantly beating myself down for the 5 pounds I want to lose (okay, 10 pounds if I really had my way) or my constant frustration with how the floor gets dirty 5 minutes after I vacuum, I choose to thank Him for a functioning body that produced 3 beautiful children and praise Him for having a floor under a roof to clean and a healthy family to make it dirty.

Every woman I know abhors laundry...no sooner are you done that there is more to do. And dare you skip one day and all of a sudden you are 2 days behind! But, now as I fold clothes, I thank Him for providing clothing for us. And that I have a washing machine and dryer that does most of the work for me.

We watched a Nooma video (you should check it out at nooma.com) last night about how we, as Americans, are rich. "God Bless America." Well, He already has. Now, how can America bless Him and bless others? We have homes, cars, shoes for our feet, food (a lot) to eat, and even clean drinking water. The States makes up 6% of the world's population, yet we consume 40% of its resources. And, I am not talking about living green or reuse and recycle. I am talking about being intentional, being thankful to Him who provides everything we need and often more, and giving back...passing it on.

Rob Bell talked about when he and his wife were first married and if they stayed on their very tight and little budget they could go out to eat once a month. That one night in a restaurant was so special that they cherished each delicious bite. Now, when they go out to eat, it's no big deal. In so many ways, our success just makes us poor. That makes my heart so sad...how much we have taken for granted. Do my kids think that going to McDonalds is a huge treat like I did growing up? He spoke about some friends that went to Europe and met so many wonderful people. People that in our American standards were poor. But, they came home to find that instead of helping and ministering to these people, they received more than they could ever give. They saw that these poor people who had nothing had the one thing we don't...Contentment.

We have to be intentional about being content. In our culture, it is so easy to focus on what else we need...more...bigger...better. No sooner do I paint one room that I am thinking about what else to do in my home. In the last few months God has really challenged me and my family to see and to look for (yes, be intentional to look for it because sadly, we could miss it...and miss His blessing that comes along with it) what is truly important in our life. And it has been an amazing journey in trusting Him.

Yes, we are rich. We are all rich. But, I think I would rather be content.

Thank you, Lord....

2009-04-07T04:49:00.000-07:00

Well, we are back from our trips and yes, I took pictures, and yes, they are still on my camera. In fact, I can't even find my camera, so there will be no pictures for you to view...once again...to this, I am sure you are acclimated and come to expect.

We had a Easter Egg Hunt with our LIFE group on Sunday. Isabelle was going through her eggs (in her room by herself, lest some greedy hand tried to take any of her eggs), when she comes running downstairs yelling, "Mommy, Mommy!" As I hear this thousands of times a day, I warily stop doing laundry to see what the commotion is. She says with wonder, "I have an egg that is empty! It was empty the whole time. That means Jesus is risen!" If you have never seen the Resurrection eggs craft, you need to. It is a really neat craft that we did last year with the kids in our LIFE group. She remembered that the last egg was empty to represent that Jesus indeed is risen! Thank you, Lord! This weary mom heart was blessed and taught by the wonder and excitement for You in 6 year old.

Nicky made TWO goals in his first soccer game of the season. Of course I did not have a camera with me and even if I did, you would still not have pictures to look at...but, I wish I had! He did great! I am one proud mama!! Jonathan is coaching is team and again I am amazed with how well he does with the kids and how patient and fair he is. I guess I shouldn't be amazed...that's just who he is. But, I guess seeing it as a bystander with others is a refreshing look...and one I am thankful for.

Becca is talking more...if we could just get her to give up her paci more often -- she is an addict! She constantly keeps me on my toes and keeps me laughing. Thank you, Lord!

Jonathan has had several interviews and more to come this week. We don't know what the Lord has in store, but we are trying to prepare ourselves for anything. It has been only a month and already it's a process and lesson in faith, trust, peace and patience. But, He has been speaking to me and to my heart. I so do not want to miss out on His blessing and purpose for this for me, for Jonathan and for our family. I would rather and so desire to be in His will than to be comfortable where I am...no matter what. It has made me realize how far I have to go, but He is showing me how far I have come. He is faithful. And He loves us. He loves me. He is reminding me constantly of what He has done for us. Why do I even worry? What He could want for us is so much better than what I can come up with. Thank you, Lord!

spring has sprung...

2009-03-15T05:36:00.000-07:00

Spring Break...When I think of Spring, I think of renewal and growth. When I think of Break, I think of breathing, pausing, resting and refreshing. I so need a Spring Break right now! Who doesn't, right? I am choosing to look at this time in our lives as an opportunity from God for renewal and to focus on breathing and pausing.

Izzy just had her first dance competition on Saturday. Her little team did so great - they placed in the top 10 - and she had so much fun. I am so proud of their effort and sweet smiles and spirits. However, it was a long day for her and after a couple of weeks of the flu and pink eye, she could use some rest and pause and renewing of her sweet, if not dramatic, spirit.

Nicky is,well, Nicky. Sweet. He will be looking forward to looking for deer on Spring Break and starting soccer when we return.

Becca has been sick. Croup, ear infection and pink eye. We officially need to go to the ENT for both her ears and throat. I pray for healing for her little body.

Jon has been working as a contractor with his former employer. He has a 3-month contract and has been so committed to looking for a job. I love having him work from home. And while we have moments of fear, we look forward to what God is doing in our lives. What an opportunity to trust Him and serve Him. I pray that we will bring Him glory through this.

I go back and forth between peace and overwhelming anxiety with trying to keep up with everything in this thing called life. But, I am surrounded by a wonderful husband, amazing children, awesome parents, friends that are like family, and a home found in my church. Above all, I have peace in the mighty name of Christ and love and acceptance in the sovereign name of my God.

I thank all the beautiful friends that have reached out to us during these last few drama-filled weeks. We are overwhelmed and grateful for the prayers, kind words and support. How blessed we are! God is so good to us! How humbling it is to face such uncertain times and to know we are so blessed. We will be going to my parents lake house and then a Baker family reunion in Fort Meyers, Florida (the kids' first time at the beach) for Spring Break. I will post pictures from Izzy's dance competition and our Spring Break when we return. I am sure everyone is tired of my ramblings and really just wants to see pictures....of which I am hopelessly forgetful about! I hope and pray you all have some renewal and rest during your Spring Break...and maybe even a little fun!

chaos in color...

2009-03-04T05:10:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been an eventful week....I will keep it brief to spare you all of the boring little details. For starters, I read The Shack. My review: You HAVE to read it. Not only is it a beautiful story of why bad things happen in God's world, but it is beautifully written. It is prose in poetry and a touching, heartwarming story of God's perfect love and grace. It is certainly unconventional, but that's what makes it so special.

Then I went into the doctor's office for a simple outpatient procedure. In the middle of it (with my legs in stirrups no less...seriously) my heart stopped and I went into cardiac arrest. They bagged me, did CPR and after a minute gave me epinephrine in my IV. I woke up to 10 people staring at me in shock. Questions came flying at me..."How do you feel?", "Are you OK?", "Does your chest hurt?", "Your heart stopped.". My response: "What?", "I'm so sorry!", "Where's my husband?", "Where are my pants?"

After an eventful ambulance ride and a few hours in the ER (where, after The Shack, I realized that God sent me an angel in the form of a kind and beautiful black woman), they kept me over night for observation. It was a freaky reaction to the anesthesia and maybe even a combination of the kind of procedure.

My doctor said that the stars were aligned for me that day. I say it was God. The nurse in the room was a former ICU nurse and immediately started CPR. The anesthesiologist knew exactly what to do in an unusual, not often seen, experience in the OBGYN offices.

I have never felt more blessed and loved...and humbled. Not only do I feel like God isn't through with me yet, but through this chaos, He has shown us beautiful friends, neighbors and church that have felt more like family. My friend, Marla, spent the night with me in the hospital so Jonathan could be with the kids. Friends watched the kids all afternoon and evening for us. Dinner offers poured in. And most importantly...concern, love, support and prayers. God is so good!

I'm still sore and still processing it all. I hope I can honor Him through this and show others the same love that was shown to me. If only I could put my gratefulness in words.

That's not all...yesterday, my dear and wonderful husband lost his job. It is a scary time right now, but we are choosing to trust God. He is our provider and all good things come from Him. Not only that, He works all things for good! I know He is working something in and out and through us that is so big, it's bound to be beautiful.

I ask you for your prayers as we follow and obey our AMAZING God.

grace like rain....

2009-02-18T14:03:00.001-08:00

"Grace is the face that love wears, when it meets imperfection." -- Joseph R. Cooke

I am in the midst of two really great books. One is a novel written by a former writer for The David Letterman Show. It is so witty and fun...I laugh out loud at least once in every chapter! I am also reading a book called TrueFaced: trust God and others with who you really are. A friend read an excerpt from this book a while ago and I was intrigued. The above quote comes from this book...a simple, yet profoundly honest book.

To be able to offer others grace, forgiveness and Christ-like love, comes first from us receiving it from God and others. Do I, in meeting imperfection, first offer grace and love? And how can I truly if I haven't received it for myself? And do I offer myself grace in the face of my own imperfections? And do any of us well?? Unfortunately, I have encountered a lot of ungrace in the very place we should experience grace. That saddens me. Fortunately, I have witnessed beautiful examples and aspire to emulate them.

I am trying to focus on the grace God gives and not the grace humans give. Essentially, that's truly the only grace that matters. It's truly the only relationship that matters. If I am right with God, all other relationships will be worked out by Him and through Him. And, essentially, it comes down to focus. Where I choose to focus will be where my thoughts, and subsequently my heart, are.

This is something you think I would have settled long ago along my Christian walk. I became a Christian at 15, but God has done more work in me in the last 3 years than one can possibly imagine. A friend said this exact thing recently and it amazed my how much this summed up my Christian walk. This concept of being willing to receive His gift of grace and perfect love, in order to give grace and love is not lost on me. I get it...intellectually I get it. And I want desperately to receive it...once and for all. Just somewhere from my head to my heart, the message gets fuzzy. I have moments when I get it...heart and soul get it...and receive the very grace from God that I so do not deserve. For this I am forever grateful. But, most of the time, I find that this is my most basic struggle in my faith. From this basic principle and first step of faith stems all of my personal struggles. I have hope that this struggle will get easier on my quest of becoming more like Christ and less like me. And I hope that I am not alone in this struggle of accepting and receiving grace and love. I continue to pray that God will imprint this in my thoughts and engrave this in my heart.

But God is so good and faithful to me. He continues to speak to me and work in me and never gives up on me. He has given me a wonderfully patient and honest husband and encouraging and awesome friends to help me through this journey. They show me grace and love every day. And three amazing children that I want to live by example for.

ponderings of a tired mind....

2009-02-12T10:21:00.000-08:00

I am just wondering....do we ever get to the point where we achieve balance? Or is it always a struggle? Or is it a gray area (where I often like to mingle) and made up of seasons and phases of success mixed with seasons and phases of struggle? Because no sooner do I think that I have a system, a schedule, a routine, my priorities set and prayed over and some semblance of control (do you like how I still hold some sense of denial in thinking that I actually have any control?) that I get off track or distracted or behind. It seems like the littlest thing out of the norm throws me for a loop and I find myself in a state of being overwhelmed and struggling to find (achieve, if you will?)...balance.

I am just wondering....does anyone else allow the tone of their day to be set by the number on their scale? If it's low or within the accepted range...it's a good day. If it's a few pounds higher...it's a terrible day.

I am just wondering...is time going by faster? Is it slipping away? I am 32....My husband is 36. It has been almost 11 years since I graduated from college. It has been almost 15 years since I graduated from high school. Isabelle is about to lose her first tooth, Nicky is almost 5, and Becca is, well, a little crazy.

I am just wondering...does anyone else feel, with time moving at the speed of sound, well, overwhelmed with it all? To plan, but live in and enjoy the moment. To be a mom, a wife, a friend, a daughter, AND find and fulfill your destiny by following God's will and plan for your life?

I am just wondering....does anyone still struggle with doubt and insecurity? We are in our 30s and are parents ourselves, raising the next generations of warriors and princesses for Christ. Does anyone remember thinking their parents knew everything? Our dads were our heroes and our moms were always there with the perfect answer and cookies and hot chocolate. Does anyone feel like those are pretty big shoes to fill and that, while I can make cookies and hot chocolate, I don't have all the right answers?

I am just wondering...does anyone else feel that we all have our own issues and struggles and we are all doing the best we can? And wouldn't life be easier if we encouraged and accepted everyone as we are and where we are, each acknowleding our own issues? If we did, we all would probably have a lot less issues and reasons for insecurity and self-doubt. Or, at the very least, life, as we know it, would be a little bit easier.

I wonder...why did God make me this way and what does He have planned? How can all of my weaknesses, issues, and ponderings be used for His glory?

Does anyone? Or is it just me?

time is made up of moments...

2009-02-04T07:14:00.000-08:00

Well, it has been a while since I have blogged....while I have had much to say, I haven't found the time nor the words to say it. If I was any kind of good blogger...or mother...I would have tons of pictures to post. Ah, alas, I am not and I do not. As I sit with my 3rd cup of coffee (yes, my 3rd...as my friend says...I am not addicted...I can stop anytime I want to!), I am stunned by how much time has gone by and how fast it has come and gone. We are already in February...2009!! Isabelle is over half way through her first year in grade school, Nicky will be 5 this summer and Becca is a crazy 18 month old! How and when did this happen?

Izzy has her first loose tooth...it is wriggling big time, but has yet to fall out. I am so not ready for this. You know how it is with teeth...when they get them or lose them it changes their whole appearance. I was not ready for Becca to get her first tooth and lose her final stage of babyhood. Nor am I ready for Izzy to lose her first tooth and move into her first stage of being a full-fledged big girl. The big girl attitude is enough to deal with right now...does she have to look like one too? She is still loving kindergarten and especially her sweet and precious blessing of a teacher, Ms. Little. She is reading more and more every day and surprisingly good with numbers (she must have gotten this from daddy). She loves her dance classes and dance team. This week she is doing a dance clinic with the Hays High School Highsteppers Dance Team. As we walked up to the gym yesterday surrounded by high school students, she stopped in her tracks with nerves and I had to coax her in...I had forgotten how intimidating high school could be. Once in the gym, she was fine and ended up having a blast. I told her I was so proud that she went through something she wanted to do even though it was scary for her. As Spring approaches, she will be busy getting ready for their first dance team competition. Seriously.

Izzy is so much like me it is scary and every day I have to remind myself that she is not me...she is her own person. She will not grow up to have my issues...hopefully just her own! A friend gently reminded me, after I agonized over passing all of my issues onto her and worried about the hurt they would bring her, that God created her...perfectly...just as she is. She will have both strength and weaknesses, but He will use them all for good and for His glory. Just like me. It's hard to see the very things in you that you wish you could change and were different about yourself in your child. But, it has actually helped a little. It is so much easier to love and accept them in your child and I am learning to accept them in myself. Another blessing of motherhood...to learn and grow...and worry. But, I am also learning and growing in my worry as I learn to cast all of my fears and worries to Christ in prayer.

Nicky is playing basketball with the YMCA and Jonathan is his coach. I am so ridiculously proud of both of them. Nicky practices daily and never gives up. He even made a basket in last weekend's game! Jonathan is doing great with the kids and making it so much fun for them. He has a gentle and patient way with them full of humor and encouragement. It reminds me of what a wonderful father he is and how blessed I am to have him to lead our family and be so involved and engaged with our kids. Nicky is so excited for the basketball clinic this Saturday and the soccer season that follows in March. He still loves his pre-school and again I reminded by how blessed I am to have such a wonderful Christian pre-school, teachers and directors to influence my kids before they begin public school. He has grown so much this last year...emotionally (yes, he's still a pretty little guy...although he wants to eat every 20 minutes!!). I cannot believe he will be 5 this summer. He is my sweet baby boy...how can be almost 5? He could start kinder in the Fall, but as of right now, I am planning on waiting another year.

Becca is a 18 month old going on 4. She thinks she is a big girl. She follows her older siblings and thinks she is right there with them...anything they can do, she can do. She has given up her booster seat and is now sitting on her knees at the table. She fights to drink out of a big girl cup. She can scale the playscape in the backyard and fly down the slide (seriously, she is so light that she gets air on the slide!). She has fallen off the kitchen table and onto the tile floor. She can say "all done" and "thank you"...even though her family members are the only ones who can decipher it. She still says "mama" as though she is an Italian baby. And at her 18 month well visit (when she had the croup), Dr. Ana tried to remind me that Becca is not the boss of me. This statement followed the conversation of weaning her off of her paci and fruit snacks. She is spunky, independent and a little bit crazy.

Jonathan is my hero...not only did he catch (and sadly kill) a big ole mouse in our garage (all I can think about is every Disney movie I have seen about mice), but he keeps me grounded and balanced. He is an amazing father and wonderful husband. He is not perfect, but He's mine. And I am blessed. God did such an amazing thing with us. And He still is...

We have painted the guest bedroom and moved Nicky to it. Izzy got a new bed. And Becca is moving upstairs to Nicky's old room. I will be working on painting Becca's new room today. All of the kids will be upstairs and Izzy's daybed is moving downstairs to Becca's old room which will now be the guest room. The upstairs is a disaster right now as we work on this. Between the chaos in our home, our schedule, and the unsteady economy I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed. I am praying for precious moments of peace and clarity. I am doing Beth Moore's Esther bible study..."For such a time as this." I am having a hard time seeing my destiny. What do I have to offer that would change and affect many people? Where in my life is my destiny, my purpose...am I meeting it or missing it? Again, it's so much easier to believe, accept and see it in others...Beth Moore says that our testimony will have no affect if we're not transparent. "Sometimes our most important moments come hand-in-hand with our willingness to reveal that we aren't really who we've seemed to be." It's hard finding the balance of being transparent. This has been the very thing that has brought me pain in the past. Transparency combined with insecurity, seeking acceptance and fear has brought me to where I am today. Not such a bad thing...I have learned and grown from it through God's grace. But, can you be transparent without being hurt? Is it ever okay to be guarded with certain people? And how do you know? How can you be your true self, the woman God created you to be, transparent and vulnerable to be used for God's glory without being wounded? And if this is the calling to Christians, why is there so much judgement and hurt? Why aren't we all transparent...with our successes...and failures? With our growth and our junk?

Time is flying by. My kids are growing too fast. And I feel a sense of struggle and urgency of balance, priority and trying to figure it out. But, I digress...and reverting back to worry. Or is this just a phase? All I know is that I can spend so much time worrying, that I am missing out...of the blessings...and the moments...

"There's only One who knows
What's really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is HE'S OUT THERE WAITING

To Him the future's history
And He has given us a treasure called RIGHT NOW
And this is the only moment we can do anything about

And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let the soften your heart

And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go

YOU GOTTA LET IT GO

Listen to your heartbeat

There's a wonder in the here and now
It's right there in front of you
And I don't want you to miss
THE MIRACLE OF THE MOMENT"

--Steve Curtis Chapman

God is good....God is great...

2009-01-07T10:45:00.001-08:00

I am in a season of so much thankfulness, gratefulness and faith right now. Jonathan, as of tomorrow, will be 3 years sober. With three little ones in the house and me, that is a pretty serious feat! I am so proud of him, my wonderful husband, and the work he has allowed God to work in him and through him. I am so proud of the way he has grown as a man...and as a godly man. He is a fabulous father...the best I can think of. And he is a wonderful husband and an amazing provider. He is the smartest, hardest working, most honest and loyal person I know. And I am so thankful that God brought us together....and didn't give up on us. I am even thankful for the years where things weren't so great and the future didn't look so promising. For we wouldn't be where we are today without them. I am proud to see him as the leader of our home...and in Celebrate Recovery. I am humbled and honored to see the way he loves our family and the way he ministers to those hurting and in need.

I am grateful for the work God is doing in my life. It has been a season of refining, challenges and growth for me in 2008. I am living in the blessings and looking forward to the fruit. I remember in a Shiloh a long time ago, my friend teaching that a healthy fear of God is caring more about what He thinks than what others think. I think, perhaps, I finally get that. And it all comes back to what God has been whispering and screaming at me (the whispering wasn't working)...it's a choice. I have to choose to care more about what God thinks than others think. I have to choose because it goes against my flawed and insecure nature. I have to choose joy in all circumstances. I have to choose to forgive. I have to choose to be obedient. I have to choose to trust His miraculous work that I could never do on my own when my fears cause my faith to shake. For that and more, I am so grateful.

Our Christmas was wonderful. We spent some quality time as a family and then the kids and I went up to Dallas to visit with my parents and my grandparents and aunt and uncle who were also visiting. Having 4 generations in one house proved to be challenging and precious all at the same time. Seeing my kids with their great-grandparents and great-aunt and uncle is something I will hold dear forever. We were able to go to American Girl for lunch and get Izzy the Kitt doll. Nothing sweeter than seeing your little girls all dressed up and excited for a big girl date at a place that is so special for little girls. Nicky was able to have a big boy day with his Papa and my uncle. This included going to Build A Bear...and now we have a Cheetah named batman wearing a batman costume. Becca is waving (means means "I love you" unless she is waving good-bye) and blowing kisses. The way you tell if it's "I love you" is if it's followed by a blown kiss. Adorable, if I do say so myself.

The kids are back in school. Isabelle is so excited to be back in kinder with her friends and her favorite teacher, Ms. Little. Nicky and Becca are back into their preschool. We are officially back into a normal routine and regular schedule. Busy...but, so full of moments of peace, grace, thankfulness, laughter and joy when I slow down to take notice of them. And that's a choice.

simply having a wonderful Christmas time...

2008-12-17T06:39:00.000-08:00

We have had a wonderfully busy couple of weeks with decorating, cooking, Christmas shopping, gift wrapping, BudaFest, Christmas parties, Trail of Lights and getting ready for our church's First Annual A Night at Bethlehem.

trail of lights...

2008-12-17T06:37:00.000-08:00

baby, it's cold outside...

2008-12-17T06:34:00.000-08:00

little babes on parade...

2008-12-17T06:32:00.000-08:00

three little monkeys...

2008-12-17T06:30:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas...

2008-12-17T06:26:00.000-08:00

May God bless you and keep you...may His face shine upon you. May we make room for Him and keep our eyes on Him throughout the season and the new year.

a heavy heart...

2008-12-05T09:22:00.000-08:00

My heart is heavy from Celebrate Recovery last night. The joy of being able to celebrate our growth and recovery is such a beautiful blessing. The Shadow of our struggles...heartbreaking. It was a heavy night last night. I am nursing a hurting heart today. For the lost. For the broken. For the hurting, the angry, the lonely. However, I trust in the Lord and give it all to Him. I praise Him through this...He is Jehovah Rapha...the God who Heals...He is Emmanuel...God with Us. He is our Refuge, our Strength, our very present help in time of need. He is my Shield and my Song. My reason for this season.

My Grown Up Christmas List

Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up Christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal the heart
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end oh,
This is my grown up Christmas list

As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath the tree
But heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
Oh, This is my grown up Christmas list

What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth

No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end, oh

This is my grown up Christmas list
This is my only life long wish
This is my grown up Christmas list

tis the season...

2008-12-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

I read this post today and thought it was wonderful...especially during this season...not just the season of shopping, gift giving, lights, sweets and garland, but of our Savior's birth. The beginning of the life that was sent to give life through death. Thank you, Lord, for loving me. And help me be a walking testimony to the modern day miracles you still do...not just by my actions but by the word of my testimony.

"This past Saturday, I got to spend some time with my friend Ruth Graham. She is the third daughter of Billy Graham but you would never know she is part of a world renowned family. Ruth is so very humble and unassuming. She's also a fun girlfriend who loves to shop and laugh. During our time together, we toured the Billy Graham Library located here in Charlotte. To be honest, I wasn't that excited about touring a library. I had pictured in my mind rows of dusty books surrounded by a few black and white photos from years gone by. Boy was I wrong! The Billy Graham Library tour is one of the most fascinating journeys through modern day history that I've ever taken. If I could describe the experience in one word- moving! In one part of the tour, there was a large sign with a story printed on it hanging on the wall. As I stood there and read it, my eyes filled with tears. I was once again reminded of the great importance for us to be obedient and share Jesus with others. Even when we are in everyday situations where it may be a little uncomfortable to do so. Now, I'm not talking about being obnoxious and throwing out some hell fire and brimstone in the middle of the grocery store. I'm talking about telling God I am willing and then following through when he leads me to share. As I read the following story, I kept picturing myself venturing into a shoe store one day, completely unaware of the amazing chain of events that God was about to put in motion. And I'm so very challenged. Would I have been obedient with this shoe salesman? I hope so. Oh, how I hope so.

Here's the story that hangs in the Billy Graham Library:

Edward Kimble and the Shoe Salesman

It was July 1, 1885 when Edward Kimble felt the tugging of the Spirit to share his faith with a young shoe salesman he knew. At first Kimble vacillated, unsure if he should talk to the man. But he finally mustered his courage and went into the shoe store. There Kimble found the salesman in the back room stocking shoes, and he began to share his faith with him. As a result, the young shoe salesman prayed and received Jesus Christ that day. That shoe salesman's name was Dwight L. Moody, and he became the greatest evangelists of his generation.But the story doesn't end there. Several years later a pastor and well-known author by the name of Frederick B. Meyer heard Moody preach. Meyer was so deeply stirred by Moody's preaching that he himself embarked on a far-reaching evangelistic ministry. Once when Meyer was preaching, a college student named Wilbur Chapman accepted Christ as a result of his presentation of the gospel. Chapman later employed a baseball player to help him prepare to conduct an evangelistic crusade. That ballplayer, who later became a powerful evangelist himself, was Billy Sunday.In 1924 a group of businessmen invited Billy Sunday to hold an evangelistic campaign in Charlotte, North Carolina, which resulted in many people coming to Christ. Out of that revival meeting a group of men formed a men's prayer group to pray for the world. They prayed for Charlotte to have another great revival. God sent another evangelist named Mordecai Hamm. Hamm went to Charlotte in 1934 to hold a crusade. Ham's crusade went well, even though it did not have many converts. On one of the last nights under the big tent one tall, lanky young man walked up the aisle to receive Christ. That man's name was Billy Graham.Talk about a chain of events! And it all started with an ordinary Christian named Edward Kimble, who reached D.L. Moody, who reached Wilbur Chapman, who reached Billy Sunday, who reached Mordecai Ham, who reached Billy Graham. Look at what God has done over these many years because of the faithfulness of one person.Just think of what God could do with you..."

tagging along...

2008-11-24T14:30:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by my dear friend, Stephanie, to post my 7th picture from my 7th folder. I only have pictures from the past year loaded on my computer, so chances of my getting a picture of the kids was a good one. I was so happy that it was a picture of all three of them. As I opened the picture, a smile spread across my face and into my heart. My sweet and sassy Izzy, my heart, who is most like me (oh, my heart...). Shy, loving, curious and sly Nicky, my soul. Becca, my spirit, who is fiercely independent and spunky. My three babies. My precious ones. My little blessings.

As I go into this holiday, I am trying to focus on my many, many blessings. Preparing for Thanksgiving by preparing my heart with gratitude and praise for the God that has blessed me in so many ways. I shared my homework from No Other Gods with my sweet and honest friend, Suzanne. It asked us to list the promises we seek from God and the obstacles that we need to overcome. I listed God's promises as freedom, abundant life, peace and joy. I listed my obstacles as...me. Me and me alone. Only my worries and fear separate me from now and God's full promises and blessings. When I shared my frustration with myself and the scriptures I was claiming to fight the battle within myself, my friend all but yelled at me. No, actually, I believe she yelled. But, with love. One of the very few people that could yell at me with love. She said..."God is speaking to you. He is giving you scriptures that speak to your heart when you read His word. You are communing and communicating with the LORD. Do you know how lucky you are? (voice pitch rising...). How many people long for that? (voice pitch rising a little more...). You keep waiting for the promises when the blessings are staring at you in the face!" Or something like that.

Wow. I ended up thanking her before she left that night. Again, God was reminding me that it was choice. It wasn't going to be easy to overcome years and years of flawed thinking, but it starts with now. It starts with a choice. And it never ends. And somewhere in the middle is patience and gentleness with myself and thankfulness for His faithfulness through the growth in the journey that God has me on. I want His will...not my own. I want to be obedient. I want to praise Him through the whole journey...with a grateful heart. When I look at this picture of my three beautiful children and I think of my wonderful husband and I think of my friends...tried and true few friends that love me no matter what...I am so thankful. And I give all the glory to God for taking this seriously flawed woman and loving her enough to take her on a journey of transformation and tiny little blessings...that I just need to take the time to look for and stop to remember from Whom they come.

I tag my oldest and dear friends, Kris and Jackie...post your 8th picture from your 8th folder. And have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving!

life goes on...

2008-11-18T09:28:00.000-08:00

I just returned from eating Thanksgiving lunch with Isabelle at her school. I have to say that I am ridiculously stuffed and impressed by the lunch at an Elementary School cafeteria. I am also a little concerned that she was chasing a boy on the playground when I went out to say good-bye. Seriously? Already? She is still loving kindergarten and her teacher. So much so, that she has asked if she could live with Ms. Little...and that she has thought about wanting to be home schooled, but she would miss Ms. Little too much. We have been blessed by Ms. Little...we couldn't have asked for a kinder, sweeter, firm and wonderful kindergarten teacher. Isabelle is getting better at sounding out the words she doesn't know and not getting as frustrated with herself. Patience with oneself would be a very valuable lesson, if she can learn it this young. I am just now learning that! Her headaches and tummy aches seem to have gotten a little better...although she still has them. At her 6 year check up, Dr. Anna asked us to keep track of them, but suggested it could be stress. My heart aches at the thought of my sweet 6 year old being stressed. So we keep track, but I pray. We practiced riding her bike without training wheels this weekend. She did very well...I was most impressed by her sheer determination to keep trying. We have determined that I am better at helping the kids learn to ride without training wheels...although it is mostly because I am shorter and closer to their level.

Becca is finally feeling better!! She never really let us do the nebulizer on her...I pray she doesn't end up with asthma because just trying this week was painful. She is still on antibiotics, but finished her steroids. She is back to being silly, funny and happy Becca again. Last week was a rough week...for mom too. Have you ever had a week where every child is going through something difficult and you are just praying to God, not just for patience, but to help you enjoy them? Maybe it's just me, but there are times I just want to enjoy them...not nag them, or scold them, or discipline them, or get frustrated with them...just enjoy them. And then I feel so guilty and like a bad mom for not enjoying them. It's just an ugly cycle.

Nicky was very excited to go to school today because they were doing a fire drill...and the Buda Fire Department were going to be there to help them. How cool is that! We signed him up for basketball to start in January. Then he will do soccer again in the Spring. Until all of that he is just very concerned with telling us everything he wants Santa to bring him. And I am ashamed that I have already used the line of "I have Santa's number and I will call him if you don't start listening and obeying!"

I don't know if it's just the age, but I feel that it is such a battle to teach the kids the value of things and to take care of them. I mean, we talk about how there are kids and families that don't have anything and that to just have a home and clothes is something we should be very thankful for...that everything we have comes from God and He is so faithful and good to meet our every need. We sponsor a child with World Vision and do Operation Christmas Child. But, when I tell Nicky that he needs to stop filling his pockets with his "magic crystal rocks" because I keep washing them in the washing machine, he tells me we can just buy a new one. What?? I tell them that God puts us in charge of our things to take care of them, so we need to clean up our toys and rooms and wouldn't you know that I find toys and clothes everywhere but where they should be and I hear Nicky tell Izzy that he makes the rules of his toys and she can't do his puzzle. Seriously? It just seems like at every turn, I am fighting a losing battle and failing my children miserably for the life skills they will need to be healthy adults.

The highlight of this time was Jonathan's birthday. I am privileged to be married to a man with the passion for birthdays of a 12 year old boy. My plan to surprise him failed, as he whined that no one cared about his birthday, so I had to tell him what we were doing. Sufficed to say, he had a very big day! I still get, "You have to be nice to me...it's my birthday week!" that will end with our date night on Saturday.

Well, I am behind in my bible study homework, my laundry, cleaning and organizing the kids' rooms and playroom, Christmas shopping, Thanksgiving planning, and quiet time. And I am sure there is something else I am forgetting! Life goes on...

the voice of truth...

2008-11-12T08:37:00.000-08:00

Well, I am having a hard time putting my thoughts together...there are so many and I am so tired. And while I feel a bit melancholy in spirit and pondering in thought, I will be brief and hopefully make some sense. I read the book Breathe this summer and was so fired up about it. Now, it is mid-November and once again my calendar is full, my husband is frustrated with my inability to say no, and I am not sure how it happened. I feel overwhelmed with how much we have going on, but I don't see another way around it...everything seems like a yes. So, I bought the book Boundaries. This is a book that has been brought up to me several time...finally, I thought....hmmm...maybe I should read it. I am only into the 2nd chapter, but it's supposed to answer the question of how can I be a loving Christ like person and set boundaries or say no to someone? How do I handle the feelings of guilt or fear? I am beginning to realize that my saying yes isn't always Christlike. Sometimes it's out of fear or out of pride. A fear of being left out or forgotten. A pride of being needed or being wanted. Perhaps even accepted or loved.

This also connects with the bible study that I am loving right now...No Other Gods. This week's homework was on having people as idols. I so do that. My security, my identity is found in my relationships and what I think others think of me. That makes me really sad. No wonder I have had so many unhealthy relationships and still struggle with my worth in them. I don't think other people struggle like I do. They all seem to have it figured out. They are comfortable with who they are and don't need anyone's approval. Perhaps that is me being prideful and negatively self-focused (I do have a tendency to do that, you know). I can't imagine what goes through my mind or what makes my hurt ache, makes others respond the same way. But, I am working on it. However, it's hard not to feel defective, broken, when you realize you have so many things to work on.

I read Philippians last night. I am trying to remember where my focus needs to be...on God. On a perfect God that loves me. He loves me so much that He gave me new life that should be free of shame and worry. I am trying to remember that I can have joy in all circumstances. And I am not there yet...I have not arrived, as Paul said. It is a process that we have to work through and keep our eyes focused on the One who will get us there. He invites us to make ourselves at home in His love. Wow...at home in His love...His perfect love. "Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life." Phil 4:6-7 (The Message).

So, while I never feel good enough for others, and my laundry is done but I will have to do it again tomorrow, and my baby girl is sick with the croup, and our schedule continues to get more and more out of control, I will choose. I will choose joy. I will choose to pray instead of worry. I will choose the love and acceptance that I have instead of striving and seeking for the ones that I think I need. I will choose the Voice of Truth in the midst of the noise. I will choose Him.

2008-11-07T17:12:00.000-08:00

crowe's nest farm...

2008-11-07T17:07:00.000-08:00

We all went on Izzy's field trip to Crowe's Nest Farm. It was very windy and dusty and I am still tired from it, but it was fun! Oh, and the kids liked it too...

becca's first haircut...

2008-11-07T17:02:00.000-08:00

or, otherwise known as, ding dong...the mullet's gone! She looks so grown up now that she doesn't have the crazy mullet hair thing going on. Our sweet friend, Jaclyn, cut all of the kids' hair. Not only that, but the kids loved playing with her precious kids.

trick or treat...

2008-11-07T16:52:00.000-08:00

I have been so bad about posting lately and frankly it just exhausted me to think about posting anything remotely personal or vulnerable. Let's just say that God is still refining me...and in addition to that, I am super busy with the life of a wife and mom, as the pictures will show (especially the picture of tired frazzled mom below!). Nicky was Martian Manhunter, Izzy was Batgirl (oh, um, Hot Pink Batgirl) and Becca was Supergirl. We went to our neighborhood pumkin patch, carved some pumpkins, went to Audrey's Halloween Birthday Party, went to our neighborhood seed stomp, went to our neighborhood Halloween Carnival, went to Izzy's kindergarten Fall Carnival, volunteerd at Nicky and Becca's Noah's Ark Carnival, went to Jonathan's work Halloween Trick or Treat funtastic event, trick or treating, I went to a women's encounter and my parents came in town. Whew...I am exhausted just thinking about it all.

give me something sweet to eat...

2008-11-07T16:48:00.000-08:00

PS...Jonathan was King Candy for his Candy Land themed Marketing Department...just in case you were concerned!

i have been chosen...

2008-10-31T11:00:00.000-07:00

I am still loving my bible study, No Other Gods by Kelly Minter. The Word that we are chosen, that we are God's children, that we are more precious than jewels, that we are the royal priesthood...have so spoken to my heart. We can stop seeking and searching for our identity when we realize that God has already found us. We were lost, but now are found. We were blind, but now can see...

This song (an old Watermark song) has been my song of the week...and is my anthem going into this weekend's women's encounter. I am praying for peace, freedom and obedience.

Drive to Humility

I have been chosen to be driven to humility.
To be wholly refined in Your Holy blaze of fire.
And even when I'm sturdy, I pray You'll keep my knees dirty.
May the heart of Your will be my only heart's desire

One thousand miles of road not taken
Sure I tremble, yet my faith will not be shaken
You're teaching me, You're in control
Sure the waves could knock me down but I say let 'em roll'

Cause I have been chosen to be driven to humility
To be wholly refined in Your holy blaze of fire
And even when I'm sturdy, I pray You'll keep my knees dirty
May the heart of Your will be my only heat's desire

I don't mean to boast about my tomorrows
But I'm resting in the man who knows my pain and all my sorrows...
Well you're kindness brought repentance
For the years of foolish pride
Sometimes You've got to knock me down
Just so I can see the light.

ok, God, i get it...

2008-10-24T08:07:00.000-07:00

I am reading several books at one time right now. I am reading Loving What Is by Byron Katie that a friend is letting me borrow. Warning: It is a bit kooky. And, yes, that is a profound literary criticism. The premise is rational, but I think she tends to lean a bit more to the eastern philosophy or actually just her philosophy. And her philosophy is a bit kooky. The basic premise is that we can change our thinking through a series of questions. Once we can acknowledge the truth behind our flawed human thinking we can accept reality with a sense a peace and understanding. It's thinking and loving with detachment. I have kept an open, yet prayed for a protected mind, while reading this. While taking it with a grain of salt, there are a few things that have stood out to me...

"If you begin by pointing the finger of blame outward, then the focus isn't on you. We're often quite sure about what other people need to do, how they should live, whom they should be with. We have 20/20 vision about other people, but not about ourselves. When you do this work, you see who you are by seeing who think other people are. Eventually you come to see that everything outside of you is a reflection of your own thinking. You are the storyteller, the projector of the story, and the world is the projected image of your thoughts...ask you yourself: is it true? Can you absolutely know it to be true? How do you react when you think this thought? Who would you be without the thought?"

As I have shared before, it has been very humbly to acknowledge my flawed and destructive thinking. And not just toward myself, but toward others. It's hard to look at the defects in myself. But, I am grateful for this lesson, because God is working on me to remove them. Or at least change them. He is, after all, the master at working all things for good.

I am also doing the bible study No Other Gods by Kelly Minter. It is about the functional gods that we can be worshipping in our lives without our even realizing it. I think we, as a society, are at an all time high with this. I don't know if we ever have had so many people seeking and obsessing over things other than God. Ok, we probably have (remember Babylon...the 60s?)...but, since things cycle around, it seems we are in the Renaissance cycle waiting for the Victorian Age. Food, Drugs, Alcohol, Porn, Sex are obviously the big ones. But, also, Money, Power, Status, Position, Image, Body Image, Acceptance, Pride, Shopping/Materialism, Relationships, Busyness, TV, Gaming, Denial...and the list can go on and on.

Kelly listed two definitions for idols that have not only opened my eyes, but have convicted me.

"Most of us think of an idol as a statue of wood, stone, or metal worshipped by pagan people...In biblical terms, it is something other than God that we set our heart on (Luke 12:29; 1 Cor 10:19), that motivates us (1 Cor 4:5), that masters and rules us (Ps 119:133; Eph 5:5) or that we trust, fear or serve (Isa. 42:17; Matt 6:24; Luke 12:4-5)...And idol can also be referred to as a 'false god or a 'functional god.'

"An idol is something within creation that is inflated to function as a substitute for God. All sorts of things are potential idols, depending only on our attitudes and actions [perhaps also our thinking?] toward them...Idolatry may not involve explicit denials of God's existence or character. It may well come in for the form of an over attachment to something that is, in itself, perfectly good...An idol can be a physical object, a property, a person, an activity, a role, an institution, a hope, an image, an idea, a pleasure, a hero - anything that can substitute for God."

"The evil in our desire typically does not lie in what we want, but that we want it too much."

Anyone feeling convicted? I know I did. Never before did I think of relationships, acceptance, or body image as idols before. I knew from my time in Alanon and Recovery that they were not healthy and I have been working on them. But, I sure did hear a stern word from God while working on this study. Like it says, in and of themselves, they are not bad. But when I have an over attachment to them, that is when they have become idols. How much time and energy have I spent thinking and obsessing over these things that have produced nothing by worry, fear and anxiety?

Kelly Minter says, "I remember that awful feeling of being under the power of something or someone...I think the only thing worse than being under the control of something to no fault of my own is to be under the control of something I've actually created. It's pain with extra sides of guilt and regret...Lack of inward freedom is one of the most agonizing experiences of human existence. The one redeeming aspect is that blessings can grow out of our exasperating struggles with giants who are stronger than we are. I have been thoroughly changed, mostly for the good, from such bouts with weakness and powerlessness, even though it seemed unimaginable at the time."

Well, welcome to Celebrate Recovery! That is basically the 1-8 steps of recovery...the process and work I have been doing for over 3 years. I am beginning to see a recurring pattern here for me. Do you think God is speaking to me? I mean, it's not just the Loving What Is book or the No Other Gods bible study, but a friend gave me the book, A Woman and Her God. I picked it up last night before Celebrate Recovery. God granted me 15 minutes before the meeting started for some peace and quiet. With the kids in bed, Jonathan at work, candles lit and a fire in the fireplace (yes, it is actually in the 50s in Texas...cold enough for a fire, if you ask me!), I praised Him for that quiet time. I prayed for our home, our women and our meeting. Then I read the first chapter of the book. God picked it out just perfectly and led me to read it as our devotional before our meeting.

"An unsatisfied soul is an accident waiting to happen. Consider the saying, 'Nature abhors a vacuum.' Human nature also abhors a vacuum. In other words, we avoid feeling empty and always find ways to fill it. God created that void so we would seek Him. We are not satisfied by simply accepting salvation and then ascending to heaven when the time comes. Instead, God wants us to have a relationship with Him during our lifetime. When we don't, we set ourselves up for disaster. If we don't find satisfaction with God, we will look for it somewhere else [this is a message dear to my heart and one I share with anyone interested in recovery]. When we do, we default to one of two things: subsistence living or substitute living.

Consider the word subsistence. One definition of the helpless is that they are poor and needy, 'subsisting on the alms of others.' The picture painted here is a beggar. If we subsist on the alms of others, our heart is just a vacuum; we're needy people because we were created that way. We need to be loved. We need to be affirmed. Those are not weaknesses. We were created with those needs, and we are like beggars when our soul is not satisfied by God. It's like we walk around all day with an empty cup, asking people to fill it up. We may go to our spouse, our children, our friends. We may even ask our coworkers, neighbors, and pastor, 'Can you fill my cup?' The problem is that we go to them seeking what only Christ was mean to provide. We can affirm one another, even fulfill one another, but it was God's design right from the beginning that He alone would satisfy our soul's desire. We were meant to thrive on the riches of His love."

The next part about substitute living is clinging to things other than the love of God...idols, anyone? Since we have already covered the idol talk...I will leave it here.

Does anyone else see the recurring theme of His word for me? OK, God, I get it! It's either really exciting or really scary when you know God so desperately wants you to get His message that He comes at you from every angle. I am choosing to be really excited...God is talking to me! He loves me so much that He is captivating my thoughts with everything I read and everyone I talk to. He loves me enough to change me. I pray that I will be obedient to His word and open to His work in me. I pray to be a different person at the end of this particular jounrey. I would like to be a shiny trophy for God...a reflection of His grace for His glory.

don't feed the animals...

2008-10-18T14:23:00.001-07:00

A good friend just sent this to me per our conversation about the battlefield of the mind...

Philippians 4:8-9

"Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you."

Joshua 1:8

"Study this Book of Instruction continually. Meditate on it day and night so you will be sure to obey everything written in it. Only then will you prosper and succeed in all you do."

The Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride , superiority, and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace , love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather:"Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

a change of perspective...

2008-10-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to remind myself that my thoughts produce my feelings. It's not the people or the world around me...it's my perception of them that produces the thoughts that produce my feelings. It has been very humbling to see and accept how flawed my thinking is. But, I am beginning to see how empowering this is...when I compare myself to others and allow myself to think that external factors are making me feel a certain way, then I am giving all power to them. Whereas, if I gently remind myself that it is MY thoughts...well, then I have the power of Christ in me to change my thinking. I no longer want to rely on my flawed human thinking...I want to think like Christ. I would like to see the world and the flawed humans in it through His eyes and with His perspective.

It's hard...if there ever was an understatement. It's work for me right now. Hard work. Daily Work. Sometimes even minute to minute work. I asked someone if it ever gets easier and I was assured that, yes, it does. It never stops...if I want to continue to mature, grow and change, then the work will never end. But, it should get easier. This person also defined trust and obey in a way that I never knew of before and has changed the way I think of them now. He said that the Greek root origin for obey means to "listen attentively." Wow...how inviting. How doable. I would like to listen attentively. He said that trust is the next step to faith. That faith is the core and center of everything...without it we are lost. But, trust is what we do with our faith. It is trusting God to take us to the next step and trust that He will take care of it and us. Trust is Faith in action...the best way to emulate faith is to walk in trust.

How desperately I want to trust God with everything. I think I fool myself into believing I do, but I so don't. My worries, fears, insecurities, flawed demand thinking and comparing are all symptoms of not trusting God with everything. I am still trying to find the balance in life...to be in the world, but not of it. To love like Christ, but with healthy boundaries with unhealthy people. To not have an easy life, but a simple life. Remember that book that I raved about this summer? Breathe: Creating Space for God in a Hectic Life? I was so inspired and determined to have that...to simplify. And before I knew it, I am looking at my calendar, feeling more than a little overwhelmed, wondering how I got here and not quite seeing how I can change it.

I have been working on boundaries, but realizing that it is hard for me. I think I am naturally an open, unguarded and trusting person...trying to set boundaries and seeing the need for some guardedness is putting me out of my comfort zone. I am trying to listen to my intuition that I have always ignored in the past. But, to be honest, I am feeling that I need to have more boundaries than less...trust less people than more. That most people have their own issues and are too busy looking at everyone else's to be bothered to see their own and hurting people, me, in the process. It saddens me to feel this way...but, I think God is showing me that the only One that I can truly and completely trust and depend on is Him. And that maybe He only gives us a couple of true friends at a time to help us through out journey of becoming more like Him.

One of my old and dear friends, Jackie, posted the below on their blog (It's a really good one...check it out at www.fuchsfamily.blogspot.com) and it spoke so much to me this morning. The quote from Charles Swindoll speaks of a sense of healthy detachment that is so much a part of recovery, but frankly, hard for me to achieve. Again with the balance...to be relational, but with a healthy detachment in order to keep God's perspective.

In my times with God I've been reading through Proverbs. You would be right to assume that I am searching for solid direction and wisdom this Fall (insert smiley face). Since the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and fools despise wisdom and instruction (see Proverbs 1) I want to be rolling with the first part of that Proverb. Here is a quote from Charles Swindoll's Living on the Ragged Edge that I came across. Thought I would once again share something that has helped give me a clearer understanding of how I should see my little world.

"I've thought about what the Scriptures are teaching on wisdom and I've come up with this : Wisdom is the God-given ability to see life with rare objectivity and to handle life with rare stability. When we operate in the sphere of the wisdom of God, when it is at work in our mind and in our life, we look at life through lenses of perception, and we respond to it in calm confidence. There's a remarkable absence of fear. We are not seized with panic. We can either lose our jobs or can be promoted in our work, and neither will derail us. Why? Because we see it with God-given objectivity. And we handle it in His wisdom.We can dip into an unexpected valley or we can soar to the pinnacle of prosperity, and we can cope with both extremes. His wisdom provides us the necessary objectivity and stability. That's the way life is when it is lived in the palm of His hand. This is not some dreamland fantasy. It is reality. It is the ability to live above the drag of human opinion and horizontal perspective. It is what happens within us when wisdom goes to work."

what the world needs now...is love

2008-10-14T01:03:00.001-07:00

I have been reading a lot lately. My bible, bible studies, books...I am no scholar and all I have to offer is my opinion and my heart...just like everyone else. I just read some articles about politics. Again, I am no scholar. But, I can tell you that the politics of the world, especially of our nation, are making me sick to my stomach right now. Everyone has an opinion...and in fact, I began to wonder why I was even reading the opinions of others when the only opinion on this election that counts for me...is mine. I was reading an article by Eve Ensler (feminist, activist and playwright who wrote The Vagina Monologues) against Sarah Palin. It was so harsh...so personally harsh. I don't know Sarah Palin...but, I have begun to wonder when people stopped being kind. At one time, surely, we were able to express an opinion, without being so downright...well, mean. I know that sounds a bit pithy, but it's true. I don't know...our opinions are about us and how we feel...granted usually how we feel about something external from us...but, still shouldn't we just focus on us rather than the external? How we feel versus what it wrong with someone else? There is nothing we can do to change the external...we can only change ourselves. Maybe these people that are being so unkind think that eventually enough people will listen to them, agree with them and then the external things will begin to change. Well, maybe. But, frankly I would have an easier time (and with a clearer conscience) changing my mind, opinions, thought or beliefs through love and kindness. Hate just makes my stomach turn over. And do people realize that when they try to win their argument and opinion with judgment and hate, every ounce of respect and credibility they had...just went out the window...along with their venomous hot air.

Eve Ensler has done a lot of good for violence against women and human rights...and apparently she really loves polar bears. But, all in all, she is an actress and playwright. Every opinion and voice has value, because there is a human created by God standing behind it. But why does it seem some people think theirs counts more than others? I understand that Angelina Jolie thinks Obama would be "nice" for families. And no, I have not bought any magazines or gone to people.com recently (I have given them up...it's a long story, but let's just say too many convictions about their negative impact on me). This was on the home page of the Yahoo News. Seriously?? Who Angelina Jolie thinks is a viable candidate is news worthy? Eve Ensler was able to write an article that blasted Sarah Palin and everything she stands for not just politically, but personally...and it's news? Why doesn't she thank her country, that was, yes, founded on faith in God and soldiers that died for her right to have her freedom of speech, for her opportunity to spout her harsh opinions? I don't watch "The View" that often, but I had it on when I was paying bills one morning. Again, it made me sick to my stomach. Poor Elisabeth was just being attacked left and right, not just for her minority beliefs on the show, but personally. They barely let her get a word in and belittle her when she does. And sadly, she is probably the most educated person about politics and the election than anyone else on that show. When did the opinions of people that make movies, plays, hit records or fancy pictures start to matter more than police officers, teachers, firefighters, doctors, moms, dads, soldiers on the front line? I know a lot of actors and such do some really nice things...but, frankly with as much as they have they should and could do a lot more. And just my personal opinion, if you choose to spend most of your time living in another country, I just don't think your opinion should matter that much.

Right after I read this article, I came to another one. This one made me smile from the inside out. It reminded of the book I read The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom. If you haven't read it before, you must. It is the amazing story of a Christian family hiding persecuted Jews during the Holocaust. They all ended up in a concentration camp and Corrie Ten Boom lived to tell about it. About how her faith kept her from hate. How her love for her true Redeemer and Healer allowed her to heal from the scars of the war and share her healing story of faith and love with others. It was the love she received from her Father that allowed her to love like she did. So much so that she even spent her time after the war helping, not just the Christians and Jews, but the very people that hated and persecuted them...she reached out, forgave and loved the very ones that destroyed her family. She spent the rest of her life using her story to show the love and kindness of God to others.

Why can't we just all get along?? But, seriously...what's that saying..."It's easier to catch bees with honey?" When did we stop being nice? Can't we stand for our beliefs without having to put the other person down for theirs? There is a saying in recovery..."Do you want to be right...or well?" I don't know how right we are if the only way we can prove our point is to make the other person wrong. And not just wrong...but small. Everyone has value...because God says so. I think it's time we start treating people as such. Words can hurt. Love can heal.

Here is the article:

In the beginning, there was a boy, a girl and an apple.
He was a teenager in a death camp in Nazi-controlled Germany. She was a bit younger, living free in the village, her family posing as Christians. Their eyes met through a barbed-wire fence and she wondered what she could do for this handsome young man.
She was carrying apples, and decided to throw one over the fence. He caught it and ran away toward the barracks. And so it began.
As they tell it, they returned the following day and she tossed an apple again. And each day after that, for months, the routine continued. She threw, he caught, and both scurried away.
They never knew one another's name, never uttered a single word, so fearful they would be spotted by a guard. Until one day he came to the fence and told her he would not be back.
"I won't see you anymore," she said. "Right, right. Don't come around anymore," he answered.
And so their brief and innocent tryst came to an end. Or so they thought.
Before he was shipped off to a death camp, before the girl with the apples appeared, Herman Rosenblat's life had already changed forever.
His family had been forced from their home into a ghetto. His father fell ill with typhus. They smuggled a doctor in, but there was little he could do to help. The man knew what was coming. He summoned his youngest son. "If you ever get out of this war," Rosenblat remembers him saying, "don't carry a grudge in your heart and tolerate everybody."
Two days later, the father was dead. Herman was just 12.
The family was moved again, this time to a ghetto where he shared a single room with his mother, three brothers, uncle, aunt and four cousins. He and his brothers got working papers and he got a factory job painting stretchers for the Germans.
Eventually, the ghetto was dissolved. As the Poles were ushered out, two lines formed. In one, those with working papers, including Rosenblat and his brothers. In the other, everyone else, including the boys' mother.
Rosenblat went over to his mother. "I want to be with you," he cried. She spoke harshly to him and one of his brothers pulled him away. His heart was broken.
"I was destroyed," Rosenblat remembers. It was the last time he would ever see her.
It was in Schlieben, Germany, that Rosenblat and the girl he later called his angel would meet. Roma Radziki worked on a nearby farm and the boy caught her eye. And bringing him food - apples, mostly, but bread, too - became part of her routine.
"Every day," she says, "every day I went."
Rosenblat says he would secretly eat the apples and never mentioned a word of it to anyone else for fear word would spread and he'd be punished or even killed. When Rosenblat learned he would be moved again, this time to Theresienstadt, in what is now the Czech Republic, he told the girl he would not return.
Not long after, the Russians rolled in on a tank and liberated Rosenblat's camp. The war was over. She went to nursing school in Israel. He went to London and learned to be an electrician.
Their daily ritual faded from their minds.
"I forgot," she says.
"I forgot about her, too," he recalls.
Rosenblat eventually moved to New York. He was running a television repair shop when a friend phoned him one Sunday afternoon and said he wanted to fix him up with a girl. Rosenblat was unenthusiastic: He didn't like blind dates, he told his friend. He didn't know what she would look like. But finally, he relented.
It went well enough. She was Polish and easygoing. Conversation flowed, and eventually talk turned to their wartime experiences. Rosenblat recited the litany of camps he had been in, and Radziki's ears perked up. She had been in Schlieben, too, hiding from the Nazis.
She spoke of a boy she would visit, of the apples she would bring, how he was sent away.
And then, the words that would change their lives forever: "That was me," he said.
Rosenblat knew he could never leave this woman again. He proposed marriage that very night. She thought he was crazy. Two months later she said yes.
In 1958, they were married at a synagogue in the Bronx, a world away from their sorrows, more than a decade after they had thought they were separated forever.
It all seems too remarkable to be believed. Rosenblat insists it is all true.
Even after their engagement, the couple kept the story mostly to themselves, telling only those closest to them. Herman says it's because they met at a point in his life he'd rather forget. But eventually, he said, he felt the need to share it with others.
Now, the Rosenblats' story has inspired a children's book, Angel Girl. And eventually, there are plans to turn it into a film, The Flower of the Fence. Herman expects to publish his memoirs next year.
Michael Berenbaum, a distinguished Holocaust scholar who has authored a dozen books, has read Rosenblatt's memoir and sees no reason to question it.
"I wasn't born then so I can't say I was an eyewitness. But it's credible," Berenbaum said. "Crazier things have happened."
Herman is now 79, and Roma is three years his junior; they celebrated their 50th anniversary this summer. He often tells their story to Jewish and other groups.
He believes the lesson is the very one his father imparted.
"Not to hate and to love, that's what I am lecturing about," he said. "Not to hold a grudge and to tolerate everybody, to love people, to be tolerant of people, no matter who they are or what they are."
The anger of the death camps, Herman says, has gone away. He forgave. And his life has been filled with love.

as time goes by...

2008-10-08T06:01:00.000-07:00

Well, my first born turn 6 years old today. She is my sensitive, emotional, sometimes-drama-queen, sweet girl. This year so far has been the most interesting and joyful. With the start of kindergarten we are both learning and growing up. I love that we have these mini-adult-like conversations about empathy and seeing people through God's eyes...loving kindness to those who aren't loving nor kind and how it can be hard but God commands us to do so..."you don't have to be friends with everyone, but you do have to be friendly"...making good choices when we are not around to guide you...you cannot change or control anyone else, you can only control your behavior..."right is always right no matter how few people are doing it, and wrong and wrong no matter how many people are doing it"...yes, it is possible to have more than one good girl friend at a time...just don't play with the boys on the playground if they are going to tackle you and yes, they are very silly...God's love and purpose for us and Christ's sacrifice. It's exhaustingly thrilling. She's understanding some of it, how much I am not sure because we do seem to have the same conversations every day, but I remind myself that we are in our 30's and we still can have a hard time doing all of these!

What joy and what fear to have to so much responsibility for our children. I really hope and pray that I don't screw them up too bad...I pray for God's protection from my human-ness and failures. Now you see how I have the tendency to worry and how I desperately need to give things to God...over and over it seems. I don't just need to lay things at the foot of the cross, I need to bury them, pour cement over them, topped by heavy boulders at the throne of grace and mercy.

My sweet and sassy girl, I pray for you to love Him and desire to know Him more each day. I pray that you will choose to follow the path He sets before you by faith all the days of your life. I pray that He will bless you and be well pleased with you. You are God's little princess and I hope you know how much you are loved.

Happy Birthday, Beautiful Girl! I love you!

On another note...I picked up a book at the store yesterday. It's called Youniquely Woman: Becoming Who God Designed You to Be by Kay Arthur, Emilie Barnes and Donna Otto. I have read only the first chapter, but it already seems Fab-u-lous! They each share their regrets and mistakes as young women and young mothers so that we can learn from theirs and choose to live life intentionally and choose the uncommon path...the path God set out for us.

"In these days of please-yourself-at-any-cost, living with intentionality might be called 'choosing an uncommon path.' Writer Fredrick Buechner once said, 'My assumption is that the story of any one of us is, in some measure, the story of all of us.' Our stories as Christan women -- daughters, wives, mothers, aunts, and grandmothers -- have common elements. In a broad sense, each life is like another. At different points in our lives, most of us have had similar hopes, goals, and dreams. All of us begin our journeys with aspirations and desires. But somewhere along the way the trails separate. The common woman moves into a common life. The uncommon woman, however, takes another path and becomes all that GOD intended her to be. 'The common begin, but the uncommon finish.' That's one of the thoughts I've repeated to myself through the years. And what is the reason paths separate? What causes one woman to accept an ordinary path into n ordinary life and another to end her story with great fulfillment and joy?
The path divider is courage.
Courageous choices at the crossroads of life separate uncommon life stories from everyday ones...
Yes, it takes courage to be intentional in your life.
It takes courage to choose an uncommon path.
It takes courage to stand up and stand out as a unique creation of God.
It takes courage to be the woman God created you to be as you live through each life season and seek to please God.
It takes courage not to compare yourself with women in movies, magazines and books.
It takes courage to swim against the strong current of popular culture.
It takes courage not to base your life on competition or defensiveness."

And this is just in the first chapter! Can you see why I am excited about it? "Increasing Measure. I understand this to mean that even up to the day before I die, I will accept the need for change and seek direction for that change, with the result that I am 'ever increasing' in those areas of life that matter most." I pray that God will grant me the courage to change the things in me that keep me from being the woman He desires me to be. For the biggest obstacle to my change...my joy...my freedom...is me.

got grace???

2008-10-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

"During a British conference on comparative religions, experts from around the world debated what, if any, belief was unique to the Christan faith. They began eliminating possibilities. Incarnation? Other religious had different versions of gods appearing in human form. Resurrection? Again, other religions had accounts of return from death. The debate went on for some time until C.S. Lewis wandered into the room. 'What's the rumpus about?' he asked, and heard in reply that his colleagues were discussing Christianity's unique contribution among world religions. Lewis responded, 'Oh, that's easy. It's grace.'"

"Guilt [exposing the longing for grace] was not my problem as I felt it. What I felt most was a glob of unworthiness that I could not tie down to any concrete sins I was guilty of. What I needed more than pardon was a sense that God accepted me, owned me, held me, affirmed me, and would never let go of me even if he was not too much impressed with what he had on his hands."

"I learned grace by being graced...Grace comes free of charge to people who do not deserve it and I m one of those people. I think back to who I was -- resentful, wound tight with anger, a single hardened link in a long chain of ungrace learned from family and church. Now I am trying in my own small way to pipe the tune of grace. I do so because I know, more surely than I know anything, that any pang of healing or forgiveness or goodness I have ever felt comes solely from the grace of God. I yearn for the church to become a nourishing culture of that grace." What's So Amazing About Grace by Phillip Yancey

Once again I was blessed to experience another amazing Shiloh. I just wish I could bring every woman to these events where we have beautiful worship and bold messages. I would love for every woman to come and feel loved on and learn about who they are and who they can be in Christ.

The subject of last night's teaching was "The Glory of Grace." However, it was not this sweet and mushy message like it sounds it would be...she taught out of Ezekiel 16. I just read this chapter for the Kay Arthur bible study we are doing. It was hard to read. Ezekiel was a prophet. Prophets were most often sent to convict...showing how God's people were not measuring up to His law. Ezekiel was sent to convict...but not on how they didn't measure up to His law, but to His grace. God is speaking to Israel...and calling her a prostitute. After everything He had done for her, she was turning her back to him and seeking everything else. He was her groom, He loved her, romanced her and provided for her...and Israel was unfaithful. Angela pointed out that this chapter doesn't just speak of God's anger...but, His heartbreak. How we break His heart when we sin...when we seek other idols -- anything we put before Him. He offered and called her to life...she was seeking everything of the world which leads to death. "An intimate look at the heart of our Father."

Angela said that God doesn't just want a relationship; He wants a romance. He is the groom...we are His bride. He doesn't want us to just fit Him in...He wants us to put Him first. He is jealous for us when we look to everything else in the world to satisfy and fulfill us. Angela posed the question, "What are we worshipping?" Alcohol, drugs, porn, pills, pride, tv, body image, acceptance...the list goes on and on...She ponders perhaps, we as Christians, have also been deceived. Perhaps we too are too of the world to be distinctive as Christians...to be set apart, as God intended and desires. That we are so saturated with secular views to even see how we are selling ourselves short and breaking His heart in the process.

She said that Christan missionaries in 3rd world countries that can be persecuted to the point of death think it's harder to be a Christian in the U.S. "We rarely find substantial differences between the moral behavior of Christians and non-Christians. We would love to report that Christians are living very distinct lives and impacting their community, but..." Dallas Morning News.

How convicting. And what a balance we need to seek and have. To be in the world but not of the world. To remember our sins so that we don't do them again, but to not burden ourselves with guilt and shame when we should stand in grace. What a gift. Grace. To receive what we don't deserve. To allow the Holy Spirit to speak to us and for us to be willing to do the work to change. Like she said before, "A healthy fear of God is caring more about what He thinks than what others think." Do my thoughts and actions reflect that? I still have so much work to do. And she said He wants us to work. He allows us opportunities to work..."an internal work for an eternal good."

I cannot change society...I am society. We are all society. We are a part of society. We make up society. So, when we blame society...who are we blaming? Us. You. Me. We are responsible...but for what? I can work on me. I cannot change the world...but, I can allow it to not change me. I can allow the Holy Spirit to work in me. I can allow God to work through me. Do I always put Him first? Do I care more about what others think than what He thinks? Do I worship idols of body image, acceptancee, pride? Do I want to stay this way forever? Whatever change I would like to see in the world...in society...my family...my children...begins with me.

The hope is that He still pursues us. Me. There is nothing we can do to make Him love us less. He is the Healer...the God of restoration...the Author of Salvation...and His mercy and grace never run out.

Refine Me, Jennifer Knapp

I come into this place burning to receive your peace
I come with my own chains. From wars I've fought for my own selfish gain.
You're my God and my father. I've excepted your son.
But my soul feels so empty now what have I become?

Lord come with your fires, burn my desires refine me. Lord, my will has deceived me please come and free me. refine me, refine me.

My heart can't see When I only look at me. My soul can hear.
When I only think of my own fears. They are gone in a moment you're forever the same.
Why did I look away from you. How can I speak your name?

Lord, come with your fire burn my desires refine me. Lord.
My will has deceived me please come and free me.
Come rescue this child for I long to be reconciled to you.
Refine me. All I can do Is lift my heart and soul to you. And pray oh I will pray...

love actually...

2008-09-30T09:52:00.000-07:00

"Love is not a feeling, Mr. Burns. It's an ability." Dan in Real Life.

FIREPROOF -- The Movie Preview

I have seen these previews on T.V. and I have been so impressed that networks would run commercials for a movie like this. Not only does it have Kirk Cameron (I so had the poster of him with the blue shirt and white jacket with his hand in the pocket on my wall in junior high!), but it is about something that our culture doesn't always get behind...fighting for your marriage. This movie is playing in select theaters and will only last as long as word of mouth will take it. My friend's sister saw it with her husband and they both said they wished they could call everyone they know to go see it. I hope Jonathan and I get the chance to see this and support something so beautiful... a marriage saved by God's grace.

Oprah had a show last week about why men cheat. She had a doctor that specializes in divorce on her show. He said that the main reason that men cheat is not sex or attraction -- it is appreciation. That another women makes them feel appreciated when they don't feel that way at home. And, couldn't that argument be made for women as well? It's heartbreaking. We all need appreciation...it's a basic human need to feel loved and appreciated. But, what's the balance between selfishness and a basic need? And how often do we take our spouse for granted? I know I do. My husband is a hard worker and a wonderful provider. He is the most intelligent, loyal and honest person I know. That's why I married him. But, how often do I tell him that? How often do I thank him? Sometimes we get so busy with life that we forget why we are here to live. And on those days that I don't do such a great job of letting him know; that does not give him the right or the freedom to seek it else where. Frankly, God tells us that our spouse, our children, our parents...no one can completely fulfill our every need. That is why we need Him. WE NEED HIM. I know several women who have fought for their marriages. Whether it be addiction or adultery, they have stayed and they have fought. Some people sit in judgement and think, "I would never put up with that." But, staying and fighting makes you courageous, not a coward. It would be easier to walk away than stay and work through it. I wish our society gave more credit where credit is due.

Oprah had a show yesterday about the drug epidemic in our nation. Whole families addicted to heroin. Their addiction started with prescription medication...the dirty little secret our nation is carrying around. These addicts are generally predisposed to addiction and don't know that when they start these pills, they are starting a journey that no one can end on their own. In this show, they said that the prescription pills had gotten so expensive on the street, that many people turned to heroin because it was cheaper and easier to come by. They are basically now using just to get by...to function. They are so mentally and physically addicted that they have to use every few hours or they start to go into detox. Detox without proper care could be lethal. It broke my heart to hear these people's stories of struggle. A journey from a nice home and job to stealing and living on the streets. And how desperately they are crying out for help. And how desperately they want everyone to know that they are not bad people...they did not want this or see this for themselves. What if our society saw with love and not with judgement? What if the stereotype for addicts changed? It's not just the homeless person asking for money on the corner anymore. It's educated people. It's your neighbor. It's the mom that comes to your playgroup. It's the dad that coaches little league. What if church became a place where alcoholics, addicts and adulators could come and be honest and not feel judged? Because they are coming for the same reason we all are...to receive the grace we don't deserve and to worship the One who gave it.

And what's so different from those addictions to the problems we all have? Pride, Control, Gossip, Lying, Drinking, Food, Porn, Sex, Perfection...They appear smaller and are easier to justify and hide...but, over time they are just as devastating. They eventually crumble under the strain of denial and hurt not just ourselves, but our children, our families, our communities and the body of Christ. I see people every day and I think, "They so need to come to Celebrate Recovery." Christ offers us the gift of freedom...it is for freedom that He set us free. But, we are walking around anchored to chains. God is not done with me yet...we are working on the freedom together.

I am doing this bible study about sex and purity. I realize our society is extremely tolerant. But, can it be blamed for all of our morality problems? We are people with our own minds...we can't always blame our choices on our culture. Does it make it harder? Yes. But, we were never called to an easy life. And just look, networks are promoting a Christian film. Facing the Giants was a huge success. Chronicles of Narnia couldn't have been any more fantastic. You would think that being in Celebrate Recovery that I would be so negative and hopeless for our nation. But, I get to see and hear success stories every week. I get the opportunity to see lives changed by God's power and grace. We can change things...person by person...little by little.I get to be included in God's work. He has given me so much hope...because through Him anything is possible. We just have to be willing to let Him work. We have to be willing to love. Not love just when it's easy. But, love when it's hard. Love the unlovable. I know He is challenging me in this area. I can't love this way on my own...but, I can when I look through His eyes.

Two verses are really speaking to me this week:

"Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

I pray that my heart will desire and take pleasure in the things that the Lord's does. Not for blessing, but to honor Him. For it to become my heart's first and natural desire.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7

I should love better and I can with the power of Christ. I have realized that I live in some type of fear all of time. What is worry if not fear? What is insecurity if not fear? God is calling me to change and out of my comfort zone...I need to let go of fear and live in love and power of Christ.

There is a youtube video that I so wish I could find and post on here. It's about a guy who is going through his day and he is getting so frustrated with the woman who cut him off on the road, the guy who is taking forever to order his coffee and is holding up the line, the other guy who he thought was rude. Then someone gives him these glasses. He put them on and suddenly he can see a subtitle under everyone..."just got divorced," "struggling with alcohol," "just lost his job." It poses the question of "What would we see if we saw through God's eyes?"

from tattoos to salvation...from fear to change....

2008-09-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

So, once again Izzy and I were walking to school this morning and found ourselves in a very profound conversation about faith, sin, salvation and honoring God. I tell you, I had no idea that these 15 minute walks in the morning would yield to such insight and sharing. What a blessing to have with my first born and sensitive sweet girl. It all started because of a tattoo. Yes, a tattoo. How often does a tattoo lead to discussion of faith and salvation? You just never know when God will give you the opportunity to share...if we just listen.

Well, Jonathan and I celebrate our 8 year anniversary today. 8 years. Who would have known when we moved here 3 years ago that our marriage would be where it is today? 3 years ago, our marriage was in a very fragile and delicate state. I knew that moving would present the opportunity to have hope for change. I didn't know that the future held for us. I could only put my trust, hope and faith in the Lord. I could only give him my heart, my husband and my marriage to work on. He provided a miracle. He provided complete healing, forgiveness and restoration to our marriage. I wouldn't change a thing. It was only through our challenges and struggles that He could bring us to where we are today. And He has not given up on us...He continues to work on us both individually and together as a family. We have come so far in these 3 years...by God's Grace. And to celebrate, we went out to a movie...and to get tattoos on Saturday. He got Rebecca's initial added to the rest of our family's initials and a cross above our family on his back. I got two wedding bands intertwined and three small hearts around it on my left wrist.

This morning, Isabelle asked me again what my tattoo meant. I was able to share with her what God did for our marriage and for our family. And now, ever time I look down, I am reminded of that. This led to our beautiful conversation about walking by faith, not by sight...to our amazing gift of salvation from our Savior. All I know is that her 5-almost-6-year-old's heart loves and knows Jesus. She understands that sins are the bad things we do and that Jesus died for those because of His love for us. She sees Him in the rainbows, flowers and butterflies He sends to us and knows that He lives in our Heart.

Nicholas also understands that God and Jesus are in His heart, but wonders how they can fit in there and why can't he see them? My sweet and curious little monkey. He so takes after Jonathan. Questions and more questions. Izzy is like a mini-me and Nicky is like a mini-Jonathan. At least Jonathan can relate to him and explain things to him in his analytical way. He is doing much better with school...he is having so much fun on Tues. and Thurs. that not only is he not crying, but he barely even says good-bye to me!

Becca is officially walking (and falling down) everywhere. She is also answering questions by nodding yes or no (with her whole body). It is so darn cute that I ask her questions all day long just to see her nod! She is definitely my wild child...easy-going, but with a mind and a spirit all her own. I just pray that God will make His presence known to each of them and that they will know Him, love Him and follow Him all the days of their lives....wherever He takes them. How exciting to think of who they will become!

God is just speaking and working in me lately. I am doing a Kay Arthur study called Return to the Garden. It's about s-e-x (yes, I am whispering that in my head). But, it's about so much more than that to me. This study has taken me in such a different direction than I had expected. It really has spoken to me about how much God loves us. About His covenant with us. With me. I have always had a hard time wrapping my head around being the Bride of Christ, but this study has really taken me to a place where it's coming together.

At Celebrate Recovery a while ago, Jonathan taught that often times the space between recognition for the need for change and the willingness to allow it to occur is often filled with fear. It resonated so much with me that I wrote it down in my journal. What's funny is that I read it just the other day and it just clicked. I never thought I was fearful...but, then I thought about how I worry so much. What is worry, but the fear of "what if"? What is worry, but thinking of the past or the future and ignoring the gift of the present? I so need to stand in the present and live in the moment. God has been working so hard with me, especially this past year. There have been times that I am frustrated for not being further along. That I am still stuck in worry...in insecurity. But, then I realized that maybe the barrier is...me. Perhaps what I am fearful of is the very thing of which I desire. To change. Because, even though I recognize the need and desire to change...change is scary...even for the better, it's different. What would I be like...who would I be...different? I know I need to take the big leap...but, I am not sure how. And what is change? Is it complete change and freedom from the things with which I struggle? Or is it baby steps and growth, recognition and progress, but never complete freedom? Something that God and I will always work on?

And I have another question...God's greatest desire and purpose for creating us was for relationship...relationship with Him and with others. So, please tell me, why are relationships so complicated? And sometimes, temporary? I have learned something from every relationship, but sometimes the lessons have been painful. And it seems it doesn't matter what stage of life you are in...high school, 20's, 30's, 40's...(sometimes it even seems like high school in your 20's, 30's and 40's!)...relationships are complicated. Is it because God is the only everlasting and never changing constant in our lives? That we are supposed to keep our eyes on the things above...of the things not seen and not on the world...on the temporary? And if so, why are human relationships so important to Him? I feel like He is telling me that they are important, but they shouldn't replace Him. I should not look to relationships here on earth to fulfill or meet needs of mine nor can I be that for someone else. But, then what exactly are they for? Hmm...

I will press on...secure in the knowledge that the work He is working in me is not complete yet.

my heart...on my sleeve...

2008-09-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

At Celebrate Recovery last week, we watched an amazing testimony. This young mom, who is now married and home schools her 3 children, was a child growing up in the foster care system after being taken away from her mom at the age of 6. At the age of 14, her mom's addiction had gotten so out of control that she moved in with her boyfriend. At the age of 17, she found out that her mom had been murdered by a user-friend and that her boyfriend had been cheating on her with her best friend. She felt like there was a God, but that she didn't feel that God knew there was a her. She decided that she had had enough and moved out. With no where to go, she went to the streets. Could you imagine? I have never been in a situation where the better option would be to live on the streets. No matter how hurt, how disappointed, have I ever felt so alone, so isolated, so unloved, that I thought my life would be better on the streets with no food, no home, no family, no security. Of course she endured all sorts of horrifying things on the streets and ended up an addict herself. However, after coming out of jail with a newborn, she had the opportunity to turn her life around. She went into a home that helped women like herself, got into recovery and started going to church. After several steps forward and a few steps backwards, she is now married, a mother, forgiven, redeemed and saved. She has beauty for ashes. And she shared her story, not only with her Celebrate Recovery Group, but on video for all to see. What is she doing for God's Kingdom? She is raising up a next generation of believers. She is sharing her heart, her pain, her victory, what God has done in her life with others. She is giving hope to so many without. She is giving glory to the only Father who will never let her down.

If I had a story like hers and God turned my life around, would I be willing to share it? The good, the bad, the ugly? I would hope so. My story is not hers. All of our stories are different and unique, but if God has done something fabulous in our lives...we should share it. I know God has called me to share my story. Not just in Celebrate Recovery, but to anyone who has struggled with feeling unworthy and insecure. With any wife who is living with an alcoholic or addict. With any mom that feels that she isn't good enough. With any woman who isn't perfect. Because that's O.K. We're not meant to be perfect in this lifetime and if we, as women, could all be a little more vulnerable...a little more authentic...a little more willing to show our weaknesses...we could learn to encourage each other and edify the Body of Christ...together.

I had the pleasure of folding laundry for an hour by myself yesterday while Becca was napping and Nicky was having some quiet time. I was watching Martian Child on HBO. I didn't get to finish it, but it was a quirky and heartwarming movie. It had John Cusack (ahhh...Say Anything is when our movie relationship began) as an adoptive father of a young boy who thinks he is from Mars. At one point the little boy takes pictures of John while he is sleeping. John asks him why he is doing that. The little boy tells him that he learning to be part of a family and to be human. John replies, aren't we all doing that or something to the affect. And isn't it true? Aren't we all just learning, growing, practicing, trying to figure it out?

It breaks my heart when women come to Celebrate Recovery and say that it is the only place they feel safe and free of judgement of their sins and struggles...their hurts, hang-ups and habits. These are Christian women. Shouldn't we feel safe and free of judgement in the church? With other women? Especially Christian women? There is no condemnation in Christ. So why do we, do I, feel that way so much of the time? I know that there is an enemy at work. And I also know that no one can make me feel a certain way. I guess what I am saying is, it is so much work on my part to overcome how I feel around a lot of women, that wouldn't it just be lovely if we could all just be nice, kind, loving and for pete's sake...all get along? Unified in the Body of Christ. And the saddest thing is that most women, most people for that matter, get it. It's the 5% that don't that make it so much work.

And I am working. I am working on myself. On caring less about what people think and caring more about what God thinks. About having confidence, because my confidence in Christ. But, I will be honest. That is work for me. And where I am right now is struggling with boundaries. How do I continue to share my heart and be vulnerable, as I know God has called me to be, but not get hurt? I always thought it was a good thing that no matter how many times I got hurt in the past, it didn't harden my heart or stop me from being vulnerable and wearing my heart on my sleeve. Now, however, I feel this need to be more guarded with most people. And this does not come natural to me. How do I remain vulnerable with boundaries? Open, but guarded? And is this O.K? I mean, the bible does say to guard our hearts for it is the well spring of life. Does this mean that we need to also guard our hearts from people?

I guess I am full of questions today...as I was walking home from walking Izzy to school this morning, I spent some time talking with God. I found myself asking Him for strength...to do everything in His strength, not my own. Asking Him to help me love like Him. To love my children and my husband like He does and for them to know it and feel it. To feel humbled and honored to serve them and to especially show my husband how much I appreciate him. When every day is the same, sometimes I tend to get into a rut. And they deserve more than a rut. To love others like Him...even the ones...especially the ones I feel the need to be guarded with. To lay His path before me, because I will follow Him. But, then I thought I am asking Him for so much. I shouldn't just ask, should I? So, I asked Him that. And I heard Him gently remind me that confusion does not come from Him. I guess He could sense that I have been struggling and feeling a bit confused lately (He's pretty amazing, isn't he?). I heard Him suggest that I needed to go back to what I know of Him to be true. That He is faithful, that He is good. That He is truth. And that He wants to fulfill me. He wants me to look to Him for fulfillment; not others, not my husband, my children or my friends. Just Him. When I worry about my children, I hear Him say, "They are mine. Give them to me and I will take care of them." Stop worrying, Jen. Just stop it!

I know our prayers with God should be just that...with God, not to Him. That it should be a conversation and a relationship, not just a wish list of things we want from Him. But, we should also ask to receive. And look to Him for complete fulfillment. Look to Him for our strength. This morning, I was struggling with if I am asking Him for things that will equip me to do His calling for my life, is that O.K? If I am asking for strength...for help...to know Him better...am I just being selfish? I think this is another example of the paradoxes of life. Finding the balance.

Balance. Boundaries. Worry. Confidence. All things that I am not that great at. But, I am trying to not to beat myself up. I am a work in progress. An imperfect human loved by a perfect God. At least my eyes are open. I am not walking around in denial thinking everyone else is the problem. I am working on the only part that I can...mine.

getting stuck...part 1...

2008-09-09T09:01:00.000-07:00

We had a wonderful Shiloh last night...a blessing of a women's community ministry that was birthed by the vision of one of our pastor's wives and friend, Stephanie. It is also taught by my dear friend, Angela, who has been given the wonderful gift of teaching. She is like our own personal Beth Moore, but better because I can call her my friend...and it's true! The music is led by my other dear friends, Janet and Marla (you will hear about Marla one day, probably touring with The David Crowder Band, if I had my say so...she sounds like a cross between Bethany Dillon, Lisa Loeb and Jewel). In the candlelight, the women look like precious jewels and sound like angels. And why shouldn't they? For we are, in God's eyes. There is so much that was shared that spoke directly to my heart. I have been meditating and reflecting on it ever since. I have such a desire to share the message with others and search deeper for what it means for me. I have a renewed thirst for the Lord. I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good...and I have been reminded of it yet again. I will probably not relay the message as eloquently or do it justice, but I will try...
Angela continued and elaborated on Beth Moore's teaching at her Living Proof Live Event in San Antonio last month. She spoke on Complete Victory in Christ. "The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance." (Psalm 16:5-6). God gave the promise to His chosen children, the Israelites, of the Promised Land after he faithfully delivered them from Egypt. Even after all of His miracles, faithfulness and promises, they still doubted and disobeyed. They were told to destroy their enemies in order to take possession of the land that was promised to them. If they obeyed, He would hand it over to them. But, they didn't do what He said. They inhabited the land and attempted to leave peaceably with their enemy that appeared to be so kind. They started worshiping idols when they felt God wasn't enough to help them. Why do we do this? Why do I do this? Over and over again, God shows up. He promises and He delivers. And yet, I find myself stuck...stuck in worry...stuck in the past...stuck in the future...just stuck. Hasn't He proved Himself to me time and again? So, why do I spend unnecessary time and energy worrying? Hasn't He brought me this far? I tend to worry a lot. I worry about my kids, my husband, our finances, my past, our future, what other people think. Angela said a few Shiloh's back that fearing God is caring more about what God thinks than what others think. Beth Moore said, "Quit trying to be someone else...God wants to show what the Holy Spirit looks like on the uniqueness of you." Wow. I am the only one with my exact, unique story. I might be the only one to share a unique message from God through my past, life experience, faith , gifting and relationship with Him. Because no one else's past, like experience, faith, gifting and relationship with Him is the same. And we are all needed in the Kingdom of God to share Him...to reflect Him...in the only unique way that we can.
We can have our Promised Land, but we have to go in and take it. It requires work on our part. We have to obey. Failure to obey gives the enemy a foothold. We have to give up our excuses and oftentimes our comfort zones. And that's why it's work. Christ called us to a simple life, but He never said it would be an easy life. Angela asked the question, "Why do we settle for less than what God has for us?" He has promised and desires for us our promised land. Yet, we let our enemy squat on it. We let him squat on our areas of past, life experience, faith, gifts and/or intimacy with God. And when we let him squat and have possession in those areas, we are not letting ourselves have Complete Victory in Christ. When we do not have Complete Victory, we are oppressed in some area; in some way. We are not fully experiencing the promises of God. If ordinary people are to become mighty warriors for God, we need to lay it all at the altar. Ordinary People. Mighty Warriors. Complete Victory. Doesn't that sound sweet?

getting victory...part 2...

2008-09-09T08:59:00.000-07:00

Not only do I think these pictures of Becca are adorable, but after Shiloh last night, I started to see them as a story. How often do I get stuck in something I got myself into (like, how in the world did she get herself into a little basket and a small shelf??) Sometimes I am frustrated and see immediately that I need to repent, give it to God and allow Him to work in me, change me and use it for His Kingdom and Glory. Other times (like Becca in the cabinet), I am just happy and oblivious that I am in a mess. A cycle of messes and struggle. This past year has been work for me. Work of getting out of a cycle of messes. Unhealthy relationships with others. Unhealthy relationship with myself. Worry. Hurt. Unforgiveness. Cycles that I have repeated and the past the I carried with me and allowed to define me. I was letting the enemy squat on all of my areas...my boundary lines..of past, life experience, gifts, faith and intimacy with God.
Angela described the cycle that so many of us find ourselves in (whether we realize it, acknowledge it or not). Through our bad choices, sin (no matter how big or how small), or rebellion we experience a loss of blessing. We then repent (where we will weep, but not change) and then we get to experience the deliverance that only God can bring. But, we will continue in this cycle until when we repent, we are truly broken...truly humbled and get out of the way and let God work in us to change us...transform us. What's in the gap in this cycle is obedience, walking in faith and a willing and humble heart. Brokenness. This is when we are the most beautiful to God, our Father. When He can trade our Ashes in for Beauty. When He can do it for the Glory of it All. Not by might, nor by power, but by His Spirit.
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come." (2 Corinthians 5:17). We can be a new person. We don't have to let our past define us. We don't have to be stuck in a cycle. We can changed. Transformed. Victorious. And we should be. We have the Spirit of Christ IN US. The same Holy Spirit that God poured out on Moses, on Gideon, on David, is the same one He has put in us. In me. That just blows my mind. And only God can use our cycles, our past, our life experience, our faith and our relationship with God for good and for His glory. If we take the risk to be real...to be vulnerable. To share our story...the good, the bad and the ugly...with others. We overcome the enemy by the Blood of the Lamb and through the Word of our Testimony. "But, we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord." (2 Corinthians 3:18). To take off our masks of perfection and share our hearts; reflecting the love and image of Christ, but in the way only we can do it...imperfectly. We will not attain this perfect image of Christ in this lifetime. But, we can grow in it each and every day. We are a work in progress...pressing on...with Him.
I came home last night and Jonathan wanted me to watch a couple of Celebrate Recovery testimonies that he found on line. One of them was a man that was a recovering addict, 3 years sober. He talked about how the church sometimes focuses on that we are sinners...we are all sinners. And we are. None better, none worse. We are all sinners. But, he said that he couldn't just define himself by his past and his sin anymore. Yes, he was a sinner. But, he wasn't just a sinner. He was a new creation in Christ. He also talked about how in the middle of his addiction, he thought he was just hurting himself and why couldn't people just leave him alone. As he worked his recovery, he started looking at all the people that were touched, affected and hurt by his addiction. He said it looked like a giant pyramid. But, the further away he grew from his addiction and the closer he grew to Christ, he saw that pyramid differently. It was a pyramid of hope and potential. Not just a pyramid of people hurt by his addiction, but people he could help with his recovery. By the word of our testimony...transformation...obedience. Complete Victory. God is Good. The conclusion of Shiloh was with Gideon and how He was commissioned by God Himself to take back the land. The battle was fought and he was victorious with weapons of light, clay jars, and trumpets because God is always victorious. She said, "Jesus is the Light, We are the Clay Jars, Our Testimonies are our Trumpets." We are also the light of the world, because Christ is in us. We are the fragile vessels in which His light can shine and reflect. We are fragile and we have cracks. Our cracks are from our past, our hurts and our struggles. But they are needed and necessary. How else would the light shine through?

just different...tidbits...

2008-09-05T06:49:00.000-07:00

So we have made it through the second week of school! Isabelle is still loving it. I see so much of myself in her. She may look like the spitting image of Jonathan, but she is a reflection of my heart. Needless to say, I pray for her tender and sensitive spirit every day. I loved school. I loved everything about it. And it is so exciting to see her excitement when she retells stories of her day..."Mommy, I did not have to move my apple!"...."Mommy, the chicken nuggets are so good!"..."Mommy, we chased the gingerbread man all over school!". To see her learning to read and her growing love for it. While she loves school, she gets nervous with change and is tired by this last day of the week. She has been in bed by 7:00 every night. And I hear her bound out of bed every morning to turn off her alarm at 6:30 and start getting ready...barely able to contain her excitement and energy. I am constantly asking her to whisper so she doesn't wake up her siblings.

As we walked to school this morning, she said, "Mommy, I miss you too much during the day. Can you home school me?" Thus began a very detailed discussion about homeschooling. I never knew that our walks to school in the mornings would produce such in depth and insightful conversations. It is fascinating. I explained to her how there is no right or wrong answer... just different ways of doing things. How each family needs to pray and make the best decision between them and God on how to educate their children. I told her that I knew that no one could love her as well as I could, but I did believe that there are others who are called and gifted to be excellent, nurturing and loving teachers. And, oh, how grateful I am for them! While it is my job to teach her everything she needs to know, I may not be the best one to teach her....well, let's say, algebra...for those of you that know me! I told her that she will learn the most important thing of all in school...how to make good and right decisions when she is not with her mom and dad. When it is just her and God...faced with a choice. I cannot be with her every minute as she grows...I think it's important to teach and equip our children to make the right choices when no one is around. It's like that quote...that breaks my heart every time I think of it, "A good parent raises their children to not need them when they grow up." How heartbreaking and humbling, but how true. She gets the opportunity to show Christ by her words and her actions every day to children, to teachers, to custodians...who may not know Him. What a privilege. I have the most important job in the world...I am raising Saints and Warriors for the Kingdom of God. I am raising them to follow God's will and path for their lives...not mine. I am privileged to be called to love and serve my children and family...so they can grow to love and serve in the future, in what ever calling they may have. Right now, Isabelle feels her calling is to be a "Artist, Teacher, Dance Teacher, Mommy." She will have three baby girls...no boys. Nicholas is fascinated with Police Officers. Becca, my wild child, will probably end up in a traveling circus somewhere.

Nicholas and Becca are going to our wonderful 2 day a week Mother's Day out where I do my Women's Bible Study. I am so blessed by Ms. Becky and Ms. Mitzi and their wonderful teachers that sacrifice and dedicate their lives to love and care for our children...to teach them their letters...and teach them about God. Nicholas is finally old enough to go to Chapel...he is so excited. He cannot wait to be Prayer Leader. However, my shy little guy is still a wreck when I drop him off in the morning. I never knew my cuddlebug clown at home would be such a shy, introverted child everywhere else. I am so glad that we have had the opportunity to see this side of him and know that he struggles with change and new people before he goes off to school.

Becca is officially walking. Everywhere. With her pacifier and blankie. All the time. We have got to buy her a second blankie. We have almost lost her blankie twice...and that's not a good situation. She has so much personality in such a little body. I am amazed by each of my children and so excited to see what God has in store for them.

I had a few amazing talks with my counselor (working on stress reduction), girlfriends and my amazing Celebrate Recovery Group. Did you know that there is no such thing as necessary worry? Concern for others is a form of compassion, but worry produces nothing productive. Worry is a thought process that leads to anxiety. We worry when we have no control to do anything. I have realized that I spend a lot of time and energy worrying...and I want to stop. I want to breathe and slow down. I want to simplify and be in the present. I want to walk and talk with God every moment of the day and see Him wherever I look...and whoever I look at. God has never set eyes on someone He doesn't love. We are all imperfect people loved by a perfect God. If it wasn't for His grace, forgiveness and Christ on the Cross, Heaven would be empty. None of us are good enough on our own. And none of us have all the answers, have it all together, or have it all figured out. I look at my mistakes or my hurts and I wouldn't change a thing. We can't go back to "normal" or to the way things were...but, we wouldn't want to. If we knew the outcome and what only God can do...work ALL things for good for those called according to His purpose...we would choose God's Will every time. It's a Perfect Will. When we forgive ourselves, we don't change our past, but we allow God to change our future. We are all in this together...yet, I rarely feel like we are One in the Body of Christ. We are all separated...usually by small hurtful things. Too separated to have healing. Forgiveness is all about letting go. It's like Tug of War. As long as both sides are pulling, it's a war. Once you let go, the war is over...even if the other side continues to pull. I can't...We can't...But...God Can.

becca boo...

2008-08-25T08:33:00.000-07:00

I finally got a picture of Becca walking...

school daze...

2008-08-25T08:32:00.000-07:00

Well, we made it! The first day of Kindergarten! I shed just a few tears as we left her. She was very excited and a little bit nervous. I am so excited for her! What a big step...and oh, what fun she will have! Her best friend, Emma, is in her class and I was able to get a quick pic of them in before Jonathan shooed me out. What do you mean I can't sit in the hallway and watch her all day?? Her little brother is quite sad and a little lost without his playmate, but I think he is also a little happy that he gets me to himself a little more than normal. Becca has been sick, so she is actually napping already and the house is unusually quiet right now. Her teacher, Ms. Little, seems very sweet and we have heard excellent things about her.

This picture of Izzy and her teacher, Ms. Little, was taken at Back to School Night. I had no idea how chaotic and rushed this night would be. I think this stressed me out more than the first day of school. I am trying to remember to stop...breathe...acknowledge my emotions...and then give them God. When I actually remember to stop and breathe, things go much better. But, I find that in the whirlwind of the moments, I get caught up in the pace of my surroundings and I forget to slow down and take it all in. But, a friend gently reminded me that I am practicing...not perfecting. Every time I step into the stressful, hurried pace of the world, I can take the opportunity to practice simplifying...boundaries...peace and joy...and not expect to be perfect at it.
On Friday and Saturday my girlfriends and I were able to go to San Antonio to the Living Proof Live Event with Beth Moore. I was so not excited for it...I just kept thinking of everything I had to do and frankly was down right cranky about it. So, I knew that meant that I really needed to go. It's like the gym or Celebrate Recovery...sometimes when you least want to be there, are the times when you most need to go. Because of my attitude, I knew that God wanted to speak something to me through it. And boy, did He! I told Jonathan that it was like Beth and I were having a private conversation in front of 10,000 people at the Alamadome. She spoke from Psalm 16 and told us of our Beautiful Inheritance and how desperately we need to get it into our thick heads that we ARE the heirs of God. What would are days look like...how would we feel...if every morning we woke up, looked into the mirror and said with boldness, "I am an heir of God." Sometimes that is so hard for me to get through my thick head and heart. Isn't it so easy to believe for others? Her message spoke to the most tender places in my heart. I am so blessed that God does not give up on me! I am still practicing...

rainy days...kickin it old school...

2008-08-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

It has been raining the last couple of days here in Austin...and it has been wonderful. Not only do we need the rain for our seriously dehydrated lawns and flowers, but it helps to lower our scorching temperatures to a high of 90 degrees. It also gives us a great excuse to slow down, stay home and kick it old school. By kicking it old school, I mean stay in our jammies, watch cartoons, play dress up, make forts, watch movies ("Because of Winn Dixie" is one of my favorites), make hot chocolate (of course with marshmallows), color and play pirates...all in all, replay the old days of our youth. I remember making up games, playing dress up, making forts, jumping over "alligators", reading books...using our imagination. I find that my kids do best (and I do too) when we have the time and the space to do these things. (If only I could get them to clean up consistently!). And hopefully we are creating memories. Isabelle and I watched "Nim's Island" the other night. It was wonderfully imaginative. We also watched "Kit Kittredge: An Amercian Girl" when it came up in theaters. It was excellent. She and I both loved it. So much so, that she has decided to forgo a birthday part to go to Dallas to the American Girl store and restaurant with "the girls" (Nana, me, Izzy and Becca). Jonathan and Nicky will have some boy time. Countdown to Kindergarten: 5 days. She starts on Monday. We have Back to School night on Thursday to meet her teacher, Ms. Little. Her best friend, Emma, is in her class. Izzy is so excited about that, but has very mixed emotions on starting school. I will keep you posted.
Nicky's input to our rainy day games is usually anything with Superheros. Although, when he heard "pirates" were coming, he jumped right into it...with his cape and "Clark Kent tie" that he borrowed from daddy. Nicky, who follows Jonathan around constantly when he is home, now wants cologne like daddy puts on on the morning. I am suggesting we start with some hair gel and leave it at that for a while. I can only take one child making huge growing steps at a time! He wants to play soccer again and will start his preschool again with his friends, Audrey and Luke, in a couple of weeks. I think he will have a really hard time with Izzy gone all day every day. But, Nicky and I will have some one on one time that we have sorely missed. I think it will also allow him time to grow closer to Becca. He plays with her a lot, but Izzy has always been his buddy. As Becca starts doing more, I think it will give them an opportunity to become buddies too.
As you can see, another way we are kickin it old school is by bringing back "The Mullet." Not only does Becca have a modified Mullet, but she has this cowlick that sticks up right in the back...and it's not even thick enough to hold a bow or clip or anything. I have thought about having her hair cut, but honestly, it's the only hair she has!! She has started walking. She still prefers to crawl, but she is taking more and more steps every day. She also loves to dance. She starts by bobbing her head back and forth and up and down. Then she will throw her body into it. If she really gets into it, she throws her arms up into the air and shakes her hands, like she's Praising the Lord! As you can see from the picture below, she is just getting going. It is really something to see. She is starting to take her baby babbling to an understandable level. She says "Dada", but not always just at Jonathan. Sometimes it sounds like she says "Izzy" and "What's that?". She says "Mama", and if I had the accent mark capability on my computer, there would be one on the second 'A'. Yes, she sounds like an Italian baby. I keep waiting for her to do a backwards wave with her little hand and say, "Ciao, bella."
I am almost done with the book, Breathe: Creating Space for God in a Hectic Life. I really wish every person would read this book. It has been inspiring. And so speaks to my heart. It has made me stop and listen and look for God more. It has made me realize it's O.K. to stop for a while. To create time and space to listen...to breathe. And we have to create it, because the world and people will just take our time and our focus away if we allow it. It has made me start prioritizing and start setting boundaries...a new thing for me. Between personal struggles and health struggles this year (anemia which lead to extreme fatigue and stress and hurry that led to IBS), this book seems to be bringing all of it together. Boundaries, Simplify, Single-Focus on God...When Christ called us to a life of following Him...He called us to a simple life. He never said it would be an easy life. Simple and easy don't always go together. Our choices to create simple life focused on Christ and His will for our life are rarely easy. I am so blessed to have my wonderful husband, kids and girlfriends that encourage me to do that. To live my life in a way that is a reflection of Christ and reveal an authentic heart that is full of gratitude for His forgiveness, mercy, grace and blessings.

breathe...

2008-08-04T12:55:00.000-07:00

Not only is this the title of the amazing book I am reading right now, but it's something I was able to do on our 2 week vacation to Colorado and what I am trying to do more often in my life. This book, Breathe: Creating Space for God in a Hectic Life, was given to me by my sister-in-law. It's wonderful and just what I need to be reading right now. It's the kind of book you just want everyone to read...so, everyone, please pick it up and read it! It talks about Sabbath Simplicity and incorporating and really working at making that a priority in your life...by keeping God in the center. Ignoring the noise of the world and the voices of others -- event those well-intentioned people -- to follow God's path for your life. To breathe...to renew...to focus on the One thing that brings hope to the hopeless and peace to the restless.

And I love how God works things out and His amazing and perfect timing. He met us on every excursion, journey and moment on our vacation. He met us in a beautiful rainbow. He met us on this incredible hike we did that ended with a magnificent waterfall. He met us in every dandelion the kids blew wishes on. He met us in the mountains...in the sunshine...in the deer that was 15 feet away from us...in the bear tracks we discovered. He met us with our family...invited us in and opened the door with those that do not know Him. He met us in the gym...yes, the gym. I had some amazing workouts to praise and worship music! He met us in the resort and covered us in His love, peace and protection.

While I still need a vacation from our vacation, I loved it! We were able to celebrate Becca's 1st Birthday there and share precious moments with our kids. I was able to finish the last 3 books in the Yadda Yadda Prayer Group series. We got to grow closer to the family that we don't see very often. And I am so blessed by that. I hope you enjoy the pictures...there are a lot of them. I may not post them regularly, but when I do, I sure do make up for it!

We will be spending the next 3 weeks getting ready for Kindergarten, starting dance, registering Nicky for soccer, wrapping up appointments (praise that I am beginning to getting better and finding answers), Beth Moore Conference, planning women's mini retreat, finishing bible study, cleaning, laundry, and trying to remember to...breathe.

Give Us Clean Hands by Chris Tomlin

We bow our hearts
We bend our knees
Oh Spirit come make us humble
We turn our eyes
From evil things
Oh Lord we cast down our idols

So give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another
Oh give us clean hands
and give us pure hearts
Let us not lift our souls to another

Oh God let this be a generation that seeks
Who seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob
Oh God let us be a generation that seeks
Who seeks Your face, Oh God of Jacob

becca's first birthday...

2008-08-04T12:53:00.000-07:00

adventures...

2008-08-04T12:51:00.000-07:00

Isabelle and her cousin Ben rock climbing.
Playing kickball with Grandma and family.
Nicky by our resort. See the rays of light?
Our resort.

family ties...

2008-08-04T12:49:00.000-07:00

My awesome sis-in-law, Jody. Wish we lived closer!
Cousins.
Bungee Trampoline...

the bonfire...

2008-08-04T12:45:00.000-07:00

Every night our resort had a bonfire for the kids (and big kids) to roast marshmallows or make smores. It was wonderful to put on a light jacket, sit by a fire with family and watch the kids create memories.

2008-08-04T12:44:00.000-07:00

the hike...and the waterfall

2008-08-04T12:39:00.000-07:00

2008-08-04T12:35:00.000-07:00

2008-08-04T12:32:00.000-07:00

2008-08-04T12:17:00.000-07:00

2008-08-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

life...is a battlefield...

2008-07-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

"You are looking at a freewill offering. No one can make you surrender your sufferings to God. Only you can decide how your fires will affect you. Will you be sanctified or scarred? Listen as He says to you, 'My precious child, I bore My scars so that you would not have to!' He has suffered enough for both of you...The key to wearing our new self, rather than allowing our robes of righteousness to hang in the closet, is found in Ephesians 4:23. Are you storing anything of the old self in the new mind? We are new creatures in Christ; but if we still think like the old creature, we will find it impossible to personify the new. Most of our wars are fought on the battlefield of the mind."

-- Beth Moore, A Woman's Heart: God's Dwelling Place

Wow. Conviction. Someone pointed out to me that maybe I still carried a lot of hurt from times past. I have been pondering that. And when I read this, it broke my heart that I may have let my fires scar me, not sanctify me. But, the more I have thought about it, the more I don't think I carry hurt from others, but from myself. I have long forgiven others, but forgiving myself for my part I have yet to do. For most of college and my early 20s, I was so far from who I am at my core and so far from who God created me to be. I guess it just seems like something hard to justify and forget. Why is it so hard? I know in my head that I am forgiven. It's my heart that needs to catch up. Beth (yes, I feel as though we are on first name basis) is so right. Most of our wars are fought on the battlefield of the mind. If I can't forgive and forget parts of my old self, how can I allow Christ to clothe me in the robe of righteousness that He so desperately wants to?

I have realized that I am such a hypocrite. I tell people all the time in Celebrate Recovery how they have new life in Christ. I speak of His miracles and His redemption. I believe it for others, but just not for myself. How do you get past this? I have to be honest, it's not for a lack of trying. I have been trying for months to move past this struggle into the redemption. And it seems like every time I get a bit closer, something pulls me back. Something tells me that I can't. It's for others...just not for me. Is this warfare? Or is this just a battle of my mind? Is my enemy like a lion that prowls or is it me?

I desire freedom, rest, restoration, redemption, sanctification and righteousness. Right now I feel so far away from that. Our pastor said something last Sunday that really resonated with me...or more like punched me in the stomach...Jesus desired His Father's desires before His own. I realize this is not a new revelation. But, I asked myself...how often do I do that? Truly do that. Oh, I always want to do and be in His will. But, how often do I truly DESIRE His desires before my own. If I am totally honest, my prayers are always for His will, but Lord, could you just let me know what that is so I can prepare and plan for it? I would love to become a person who desires God's desires before my own...that His desires would actually be the desire of my heart.

We had Shiloh this past Monday. I cannot tell you how much this women's ministry blesses me. Not only do my dear friends lead it, but it is amazingly and simply powerful. You know God's at work when everyone feels like the message was "just for them."

"Nothing would grieve me more than to get to heaven and see all that God wanted for me."

-- Angela Wheeler, Shiloh

When she said this, the hair on my arms stood up. She was talking about our promised lands. "Your promised land is the place where your theology merges with your reality."

-- Beth Moore, Believing God

Angela explained that this basically meant that our walks matched up with our talks. I remember this saying from high school. But she put it into a new and fresh perspective for me. She said there is a disconnect when God says we are conquerors, but we walk around in defeat. When God has given us gifts through the Spirit, yet we say and feel that we have nothing to offer. You can't be perfect, that would be exhausting and unattainable, but you can be real and authentic. She taught obedience before blessing...how many of us want the blessing and the promised land, but we don't want to do the work to get there.

Guilty again. I can honestly say that I am working hard to get there. But, I still keep waiting for this moment where someone will flick the light switch and something will just click, everything will fall into place and the battle in my mind will be over. I do wish it was like that...easy and in one moment. I think that perhaps part of the work is the acceptance of what He offers and believing it...not just for others, but for myself. But that's that hard part...because it's not something I actually can work at or perfect...it's something I need to surrender...to let go.

his ways are higher...

2008-06-25T11:37:00.001-07:00

I have too much to say and too little time and energy to say it...But, if you know me at all, you know I will try to anyway! :)

My second baby and my only baby boy turned 4 today! I am so blessed that he was our little unexpected gift from God in the form of a small, but scrappy, gentle, loving, silly, smart and curious little guy. Happy Birthday, God's little Superhero!

Please check out our Celebrate Recovery Blog!

http://celebraterecoveryplumcreek.blogspot.com/

This ministry and the amazing, courageous, godly people in it have done more for me, my growth, my healing and my spirit than I could ever do for it and for them. God called me to it, but I think He also called it to me. I am so blessed for the people He has brought into my life. For my CR group and my dear sisters in Christ, I love you and I thank you. I would not be where I am today and working on becoming the person I am meant to be, but for the grace of God and the heartfelt, healthy and wonderfully supportive and loving relationships He has given me. My girlfriends who know my heart so well, my kids who bring me so much joy and unconditional love and have done their best to teach me patience, and especially my husband, who may not always understand me, but who is always there as my best friend and accountability partner trying his best to do so.

"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you, always in every prayer of mine making request for you all with joy, for your fellowship in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." (Phil 1:3-6).

Please be in prayer for me and my family. Jonathan's company is in turmoil and the pivate investors are looking for a buyer. Regardless of what happens, change will come. He may be looking for a new job or in his same position working for a new company. At the same time, I have been having some health issues these past few months, on top of everything else! (just add them to the list of all of the other issues!) All minor so far, but a lot of different things. I have been to a lot of appointments and tests and still have more to go. With 3 kids during the summer, it has been hard to manage the appointments and even harder to manage not feeling myself.

The Lord provides and heals. His will is sovereign and perfect. His love knows no end. In Him, I put my faith.

"But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Josh. 24:2, 15).

"God Speaking" by Mandissa

Have you ever heard a love song
That set your spirit free
Have you ever watched a sunrise
And felt you could not breathe

What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking

Have you ever cried a tear that
You could not explain
Have you ever met a stranger
That already knew your name

What if it's Him
What if it's God speaking

Who knows how He'll get a hold of us
Get our attention to prove He is enough
He'll do and He'll use
Whatever He wants to
To tell us I love you

Have you ever lost a loved one
Who you thought should still be here
Do you know what it feels like
To be tangled up in fear

What if He's somehow involved
What if He's speaking through it all

His ways are higher
His ways are better

Though sometimes strange
What could be stranger
Than God in a manger

God is speaking
I love you

I pray that God speaks to you...

a little remedy for me please...

2008-06-06T20:15:00.000-07:00

Remedy by David Crowder Band

Here we are
Here we are
The broken and used
Mistreated, abused
Here we are

Here You are
Here You are
The beautiful one
Who came like a Son
Here You are

So we lift up our voices
We open our hands
To cling to the love
That we can’t comprehend

Oh, lift up your voices
And lift up your heads
To sing of the love
That has freed us from sin

He is the one
Who has saved us
He is the one
Who embraced us
He is the one who has come
And is coming again
He’s the remedy

Here we are
Here we are
Bandaged and bruised
Awaiting a cure
Here we are

Here You are
Here You are
Our beautiful King
Bringing relief
Here You are with us

So we lift up our voices
And open our hands
Let go of the things
That have kept us from Him

He is the one
Who has saved us
He is the one
Who forgave us
He is the one who has come
And is coming again
He’s the remedy

Oh, I can’t comprehend
I can’t take it all in
Never understand
Such perfect love come

For the broken and beat
For the wounded and weak
Oh, come fall at His feet

He’s the remedy
He’s the remedy

So sing, sing
You are the one
Who has saved us
You are the one
Who forgave us

You are the one who has come
And is coming again
To make it alright
Oh, to make it alright

You’re the remedy
Oh, in us
You’re the remedy

Let us be the remedy
Let us bring the remedy

i don't know...

2008-06-03T09:34:00.001-07:00

My mind is overflowing with thoughts and contradictions too overwhelming to put into words. With all of the questions darting around through my mind...the single answer that keeps rising up is...I don't know...I just don't know.

People amaze me and surprise me. In one day I can encounter people with amazing and godly gifts and talents that use them to edify and grow the Kingdom of God, people with Courage and Faith willing to step out and be authentic and vulnerable in order to grow in the Kingdom of God, and people that manipulate, judge and hurt those people that God calls His children and Heirs to His Kingdom. And yet, we are all one and the same because we are all God's children, cherished by the same Father who created us Fearfully and Wonderfully, loved dearly just because He wants to.

The bane of my existence right now is finding a way to feel worthy of that kind of love, to find fulfillment in the grace of that perfect love, accepting who I am and where I am, as I am, in this moment, knowing it's exactly who and where God wants me to be, and letting go of the perception of perfection of imperfect people. Something I have noticed is that I tend to put people up on a pedastal...think of them definitely higher and better than myself, even higher and better than they are. And I think of myself definitely less than others and probaby less than I am. Paralyzed by what people think...wanting to be better...to be more. Feeling "too much and not enough at the same time." How? Why? I don't know. I just don't know.

"What happened is that um, I kinda got this arcane glimpse of the universe and the best thing I can say about that is... I don't know."

-- Reality Bites

Lelaina: I just don’t understand why things just can’t go back to normal at the end of the half hour like on the Brady Bunch or something.
Troy: Well, ‘cause Mr. Brady died of AIDS. Things don’t turn out like that.
Lelaina: I was really gonna be something by the age of 23.
Troy: Honey, the only thing you have to be by the age of 23 is yourself.
Lelaina: I don’t know who that is anymore.
Troy: I do. And we all love her. I love her. She breaks my heart again and again but I love her.

-- Reality Bites

"Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will..."

-- Hope Floats

"Signora, between Austria and Italy, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks even before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew some day, the train would come."

-- Under The Tuscan Sun

"Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
Make me hear joy and gladness,
that the bones You have broken may
rejoice.
Hide your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities...
For you do not desire sacrifice, or else I
would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
And broken and contrite heart --
These, O God, You will not despise."

-- Psalm 51

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us...For we were saved in this hope, but hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But, if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance...And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

-- Romans 8

oh baby, it's a wild world...

2008-05-23T04:52:00.000-07:00

Do you remember the time of making mixed tapes? I smile as I write this, because I fondly remember receiving mixed tapes from girlfriends and boyfriends. I recall making them as well. Up late at night, in my bedroom, planning the perfect soundtrack for the landscape of my heart (somehow it always included a little old school Beastie Boys -- it totally fit in, I am sure), trying to hit the pause button at the perfect time on the cassette recorder to diminish the sound of changing out the tapes on the recording. Ah, that sound brings me some comfort as I look back on the years to see how much has changed and look forward to the change ahead. Okay, so perhaps I am feeling slightly nostalgic.

I have been introduced to some really good music through these tapes that my friends so lovingly made for me: Bread, Styx, The Notre Dame Fight Song, They Might Be Giants, Drivin' and Crying', Erasure, Cream, Spin Doctors, Cat Stevens, and the Soup Dragons. There is not a time that I hear one of these songs that I am not immediately transported back in time, recalling the friendship, the laughter, the tears and where God has brought us each today.

One of these tapes had the song, "Wild World" by Cat Stevens. I was about to move from Alabama to Germany the summer before my Junior year in High School and just had the best year of my life (that's how it always was right before you move, right?). But, seriously, there was something really special and pure about that short year spent in Alabama and the friendships I made. Germany is a whole other long story, but like Alabama, was such a unique experience with such unique friendships that I know those two places and the relationships that I had there totally shaped the person I am today. In fact, every place I have lived and the relationships I had along the way has brought me to where and who I am right now.

I think of this Cat Stevens song now as Isabelle is about to start Kindergarten. I know it's not this huge step into the big "Wild World", but it's her first step into it. How much I have been praying for protection and preparation. For God to just put wonderful friendships along her path and to put a desire to love Him and serve Him all of her days. I have been praying for Nicholas and Becca too. For the past year, God has been working on me. And not just for me, but for me to be able to change and pass this change onto my children, by bringing it into my mothering and my marriage. Lately, Jonathan and I both feel that God is preparing us for something. I'm not sure what it is, but I know this whole year has been leading up to it.

As someone so eloquently put it, I am trying to find my true authentic self and feel confident and trust myself enough to present it to the world and not be overly concerned with others think or feel about it. It's a lot harder than it sounds. Mostly, because every time I am feeling strong in who I am and voice my opinion or my "authentic self" there has always been someone to tear it down and belittle it and I end up feeling "not enough and too much at the same time." To let go of being overly concerned with what others think or feel about me is really hard when you have spent most of your life trying to please others. And there is the nagging question, deep down in the depths of my soul...what if no one sees, accepts or wants my "true self?"

And why is it there are people that feel the need or authority to deem your heart, your worth, your identity, not enough...or wrong...or doesn't fit into the ideal or standard of which they think you should be living? This goes back to the "demand thinking." That they shouldn't be acting that way or saying these hurtful things, because I say so. Because, actually, this makes me just as judgemental and putting my standard of behavior on them, right? Hmmmm....How do you find the balance of confidence, but not judgement? Of realizing, within yourself, that their behavior isn't acceptable or right, but not letting it hurt, anger or affect you? To set up boundaries with people that aren't healthy for you, but remain open with Christ like love? Like I said, it's a lot harder than it sounds. But, for the first time in my life, I am at a point where I really want to find and be true to my authentic self that God created me to be and let go of the standards and opinions of others, for truly the only standard and opinion that matters is that of my Heavenly Father.

"Wild World" by Cat Stevens

Now that I've lost everything to you
You say you wanna start something new
And it's breakin' my heart you're leavin'
Baby, I'm grievin'
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
But then a lot of nice things turn bad out there

[Chorus:]Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
Oh, baby, baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child, girl

You know I've seen a lot of what the world can do
And it's breakin' my heart in two
Because I never wanna see you a sad girl
Don't be a bad girl
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

[Chorus]

Baby, I love you
But if you wanna leave, take good care
I hope you make a lot of nice friends out there
But just remember there's a lot of bad and beware

[Chorus]

milestones...

2008-05-22T16:45:00.000-07:00

2008-05-22T16:43:00.000-07:00

We have had a busy time as of late. Dance Team Tryouts, Recital, End of PreSchool Activities, Birthday Parties, Kindergarten Registration (sigh), PreSchool Graduation (bigger sigh), Becca is crawling (it counts even if she is on one knee and up on one foot to push off, right?), Becca is cutting 4 top teeth all at once, Allergies, Financial Peace University (this budget thing is really putting a cramp on my needing new clothes!), Nicky is still struggling with major nighttime separation anxiety...actually separation anxiety all the time (is that even possible at almost 4?), Planning Nicky's Swim-Superman-Batman-Birthday Party, Getting ready for Swim Lessons, Bible Study, Vacation Bible Schools, Vacations and preparing for Kindergarten. And that's just the Summer. I don't think there is actually enough time for everything! Here are some pictures of Recital, the kids and Graduation.

boundaries...

2008-05-13T15:14:00.000-07:00

Isn't it amazing when God answers a specific prayer?? I have been praying for something specifically...not even a huge request in the long scheme of life's big picture...but, He heard and He answered. I have to be honest to say it makes me feel significant, visible and loved. And isn't that something we all need to feel from time to time? To feel significant...to feel as though we matter. To be seen and heard...especially by those we love. And to be loved...even when we are unlovable. Praise God!

I also have been praying for preparation and protection for Isabelle and our family as we begin this new journey in her life. For God to just surround us with people and friends that will encourage and lift us up. To place people and friends in our lives that will help set the example of the life we are trying to live. We watched Juno the other night...and although humorous, it scared me to death. The mind of a mother can be a very scary thing and it does not take much for it to go to scary places. I realize the importance of parents in a child's life, but I also realize the influence of the friends in their life. I was so blessed with the friends that God put in my path along my journey. I still am blessed with wonderful and amazing friendships. I pray for the same kind of friends for my children as they start their own journey in life. Good and Godly friendships that will help them keep their path straights and be extensions of how we live at home.

Because for every wonderful relationship I have had, I have had hurtful ones. Mostly by my own poor choices. If I could spare the hurt for Isabelle, for all of my children, I would. I know some hurt in life is inevitable, but it's just unfortunate. However, I am at a place in my life where all of the hurt is really producing positive change...and through change...blessings. Isn't that the point of hurt anyway? If we do nothing with it, then we went through the pain for nothing. When we should be taking our experiences and learning, growing, changing, healing and sharing the grace we received to give hope to others that may face the same hurts. To show people God through our change...to produce fruit.

The fact is there are hurtful people in the world. And not just in the world, but in our churches, in our communities, in our friendships and in our families. And while we need to offer understanding, compassion and Christ-like love, as most often they are hurtful people because they themselves are hurting, we also to need to establish healthy boundaries. Christ-like love does not translate into being a doormat...to accepting unacceptable behavior. This has been a very hard lesson learned for me. I am 31 years old and just now realize that I need to have boundaries with people, especially hurtful people. Especially hurtful people that don't recognize they are hurtful, see no need for them to change, find their problems are always other people's fault and take no responsibility or accountability for their part. The balance I am seeking is offering the compassion without having a relationship that is self-destructive for me.

The week was a good one. The recital was a success. Becca found that she loves to dance and clap to music...all night. Nicky discovered that once his big sister was done dancing that "this is not fun" anymore. I will post pictures later.

Choices Through Recovery:

Choice of attention - to pay attention to this and ignore that - is to the inner life what choice of action is to the outer. In both cases, a man is responsible for his choice and must accept the consequences.--W. H. AudenMany of us have said, "I can't help myself!" when we tried to stop our constant thinking about other people or their behavior. "I know it's not good for me, but what can I do when they keep acting that way?"Let us think of ourselves as living in a house with many windows. At each window is a different view, and within each view are many things to catch our attention -- perhaps there are some people, some traffic, some buildings, a horizon, and some trees. If we always go to the same window and focus on the same object, we are not using all our choices. We may have overlooked some things in our lives that need attention. There are many things we are totally powerless over. Our power exists in changing the focus of our attention.

tidbits...

2008-05-07T09:48:00.000-07:00

I am officially caught up with laundry!! And bless my heart...I even did my husband's!! In fact, everything is washed, folded, hung up and put away. If only all of these people in my family would quit getting their clothes dirty, I could revel in this peace for a little longer.

We have actually finished our budget and have even put it into practice and place. We will see how it goes.

The kids had their Family Fun Night on Monday. Isabelle had a performance with her class and she did great! Wow, she is growing up. She showed me her journal from class and every page is a drawing of her and Emma. What are they going to do next year with so many changes? I pray that their friendship continues and grows. They are such good friends. And I love her parents. Marla is one of my dearest (and sanest) friends. And Nicky's going to marry Audrey, Emma's younger sister, so it would honestly just make things a lot easier...

You know it's getting late in the night when even the kids are saying they are tired and want to go home. We made it home in bed by 9:30 pm. Even Becca stayed awake until the last possible second...and we all are still recovering.

Nicky refuses to sleep in his bed. He is going through some horrible fears of the dark and of werewolves, coyotes and basically anything scary that comes out at night. We even leave his nightstand lamp on and even that is no longer working. Jonathan came up with the great idea of putting those glow in dark stars on his ceiling. He even got him a lamp that puts the solar system and constellations all over the ceiling and walls. Nicholas was so amazed and excited. He and Izzy pretended they were astronauts and made a space station out of pillows and blankets and several lucky stuffed animals in his room. It was a great succes...the first night. We are back to the drawing board...and suffering from the lack of sleep in the process.

Isabelle has her recital this Saturday. It will be a busy weekend. Looking forward to things slowing down...I think that should be in 2026!

Becca is trying to crawl. Oh boy...And I believe she is cutting another tooth.

I will try to remember to be a good mom and bring my camera to the recital this weekend. It will be an even more amazing feat if I actually download them and post them to the blog...but, I will try.

all of this...and more

2008-04-29T14:22:00.000-07:00

Isabelle tried our for the Pre-Team Dance Team for 5-7 year olds this past Saturday and she made it! Well, I should say, they all automatically make it for this age group, but still...she is very excited! We went with our friends, The Rices, whose eldest daughter is Izzy's "long lost sister" (in fact, Isabelle informs me at least once a month that she is going to go live with Emma and Mrs. Marla!) to Culver's to celebrate with ice cream.

We moved on from there to our LIFE Group picnic at one of the local parks. We grilled hot dogs, watched the kids run around and play until dusk and even saw a couple of really big lizards. Isabelle and Emma were invited to a sleep over that night with 2 other girls that made the team. The both lasted the whole night -- no 12 am call asking to come pick her up. In fact, they were the last 2 to fall asleep! Mrs. Brandee let them make their own mini pizzas, make a "party" hat and flower pot craft, play the Wii and watch High School Musical. Mrs. Brandee is like so many other of my women friends who are so creative and talented...putting the rest of us slacker moms to shame!

Needless to say we suffered melt down after meltdown on Sunday after church due to lack of sleep, exhaustion and impatience...and the kids were pretty whiny too! :)

Our new washer and dryer come tomorrow! While I am excited to catch up on laundry once again (have I mentioned that I abhor laundry?), I will no longer have an excuse to not do it! My mom is flying in on Saturday to spend a week. My parents just returned from a 3 week Greek cruise (the nice life of retired living, eh?). Isabelle and Nicholas have a Family Fun Night for school Monday night and Isabelle has her dance recital Mother's Day weekend. Not only will we get some quality mom-daughter, Nana-kiddos time, but my Ma also seems to know just what to say and just what to do to help me out. Whether it's a pep talk or a hug or watching the kids or folding clothes (again, I abhor laundry), Ma always knows best. I hope and pray that I can be that and more for my kids when they grow up.

We are doing the Financial Peace University through our church. I would recommend it to everyone and anyone -- no matter where you are with your finances. Very practical and realistic advice on how to manage your money. I have to brag about my husband here for a second. I always want to call that out when I do it, because I probably don't give him the props that he deserves often enough. Organization, scheduling, order, managing money (putting up clothes or lifting the toilet seat...by why go on and on?) are not on the top of his priority list. He usually defers to me on those things. But, he is really trying. He knows that while he is content to be a free spirit and never make a list in his life, that having some structure and order keeps me sane. In fact, I am one of those neurotic list makers that actually adds something to the list if I did it and it wasn't orginally on there...just so I can check it off. Yes, it is a sickness. But, I can only work on one neurosis at a time. He is really trying to be supportive and help me figure out a way to find balance. What a wonderful husband.

A new concept was presented to me: Our outside circumstances or life situations do not cause our feelings. Our thoughts cause our feelings. Wow. I have been trying to get my mind around this for about a week now. In some situations, it makes perfect sense. If you are scared of heights and go up in a tall and open building, you may feel anxious and fearful. However, since everyone does not feel the same way about it...it was not the experience that caused you to feel anxious or fearful...it was your perception of the experience. It's just in how you processed your thoughts about it that lead to your feelings. Okay, I get that.

But, when I try to use it in a personal example, like when somebody says something that really hurt your feelings, it's harder to apply. According to this theory, they didn't hurt your feelings. In fact, people can't hurt your feelings. It is what you thought about what they said that lead to your hurt feelings. "That hurt my feelings because they said or acted in a way that wasn't acceptable to me." So, if you think about it that way, the hurt and the anger should go away. Okay, I have been trying, but I have to be honest...I still feel like they hurt my feelings!

It is a new concept and a whole new way of thinking for me. On one hand, it gives me hope that this will help battle and overcome my struggle with insecurities and anxiety. On the other, learning a whole new way of thinking seems very overwhelming.

I wonder if there is a theory about "PMS" (Post-Mommy Syndrome). Okay, I just made that up...but I think it's worthy of consideration. I think my hormones changed drastically after I had Isabelle, my first. And honestly, I think they have changed drastically after each child...and have never gone back to normal!! After each pregnancy, my hair has gotten less and less curly. After each pregnancy, I have become more tired, worried, impatient and emotional. After each pregnancy, I PMS worse and have worse cycles (sorry if that is TMI!). In fact, just the other day I told my husband that I was having a hard time with PMS this time. My wonderful, supportive husband responded lovingly and honestly that the whole family was having a hard time with my PMS! But, he also sent me this:

The Key that Unlocks the Door to Happiness
By Buddy T from the Big Book of AA

It seems almost too simple to be true, but acceptance -- accepting things exactly as they are -- can be the key that unlocks the door to happiness.It may be one of the most referenced passages in recovery literature. It's from Page 449 of Alcoholics Anonymous or as it is widely known:

And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes. For me, serenity began when I learned to distinguish between those things that I could change and those I could not. When I admitted that there were people, places, things, and situations over which I was totally powerless, those things began to lose their power over me. I learned that everyone has the right to make their own mistakes, and learn from them, without my interference, judgement, or assistance! The key to my serenity is acceptance. But "acceptance" does not mean that I have to like it, condone it, or even ignore it. What it does mean is I am powerless to do anything about it... and I have to accept that fact. Nor does it mean that I have to accept "unacceptable behavior."

Today I have choices. I no longer have to accept abuse in any form. I can choose to walk away, even if it means stepping out into the unknown. I no longer have to fear "change" or the unknown. I can merely accept it as part of the journey. I spent years trying to change things in my life over which I was powerless, but did not know it. I threatened, scolded, manipulated, coerced, pleaded, begged, pouted, bribed and generally tried everything I could to make the situation better -- only watch as things always got progressively worse. I spent so much time trying to change the things I could not change, it never once occurred to me to simply accept them as they were. Now when things in my life are not going the way I planned them, or downright bad things happen, I can remind myself that whatever is going on is not happening by accident. There's a reason for it and it is not always meant for me to know what that reason is.That change in attitude has been the key to happiness for me. I know I am not the only who has found that serenity.

baby steps...

2008-04-22T04:42:00.000-07:00

I looked at my calendar yesterday and noticed that there are only 6 weeks left of school. SIX weeks! That means summer will be here and then...kindergarten. I realize that kindergarten may not sound like such a big deal, but it seems like that way to me right now. I feel like it is going to be a big life change for not only my first born (Could I possibly have a child in kindergarten? When did that happen?), but for me.

Even Jonathan seems to be a little overwhelmed by the prospect. He was asking me the other day, "So she goes to school from 7:40 to 2:40?" Pause. "Every day?" Exactly.

I have no doubt that Isabelle is ready and will do great in kindergarten. I am expecting the usual transition issues, but I know she will end up loving it. However, my daughter seems to bounce back and forth between being excited to refusing to go. Oh dear. I love her, God is so not calling me to homeschooling.

Yesterday she kept following me around saying that she was going to go where ever I go. We had to make a run to Home Depot last night (all that catching up on laundry that the washer and dryer went out!) and on the way home she was asking why I lived away from Nana and Papa and if everyone that got married had to move away from their mommy and daddy and if so, she didn't want to get married. Jonathan informed her that she could live with us forever. Oh my heart.

I have read that being a good parent is raising your child to not need you when they grow up. What they neglect to add is how hard that is. I know I shouldn't be looking too far into the future, but it seems like we are taking the first steps into independence and our first big change. It is all very overwhelming to me right now.

Not to mention there seems to be some of what I refer to as "crazy moms" out there. I have encountered "crazy moms" even before the kindergarten world and it seems to get worse once they are actually in school. I am so not ready or at a place in my life where I can handle "crazy mom syndrome" in a healthy way right now. I am working on it and hope to make some progress before Izzy starts school to have more confidence and security in my identity in Christ that the "crazy mom syndrome" won't affect me so much...cause me to falter, doubt and not trust myself. To have complete righteous confidence in who God created me to be and the path He has set before me. To trust that and not waver from it.

I am really bad about "comparing every one's outsides to my insides" as they say in recovery. After 3 years you would think I would have stopped it. "Just Stop It!" But, I have to remind myself...progress, not perfection. It's just that I look at everyone else and they seem to have it all together...to "get it" while I still continue to struggle. In fact, it's an endless cycle...as the more "put together" someone else appears to be, the more I question myself. I forget, in the moment, to remind myself that I don't know "their insides" or to give it to God and remember what He says about me. I just end up feeling confused, insecure and inadequate.

And you know what really makes me angry? Are the woman, maybe even out of their own insecurity, that have such a hard time being "real and authentic" that they have to put on this "perfect appearance" (even though I have to remind myself there is no such thing as perfection in the world or even a healthy pursuit of perfection). In fact, in my recovery experience, the more "perfect" a person appears, the more problems they probably have. But, alas, I forget about this in the moment and the confident, striving, perfect woman leaves me feeling less than worthy and unsettled. I realize this is not their fault...this is my issue to deal with. I just wish we could all be authentic and vulnerable, so no one is left to ever feel unworthy. What a horrible feeling. And how many women feel like that. I know. I know from person experience and from the stories I hear every Thursday night at Celebrate Recovery.

I keep hearing God speak to me. I am reflecting on what He is revealing to me:

Simplifying will lead to Balance. Trusting in God and myself and Accepting how and who He made me will lead to healthy Boundaries and Righteous Confidence. Setting and establishing Realistic expectations for myself and from others will lead to Acceptance. What I am hoping for is Rest and Peace in the Grace of God.

So, I have the visual of the big picture...just how to get there keeps eluding me.

"You, O Lord, I put my trust;
Let me never be ashamed.
Deliver me in Your righteousness."
Psalm 31:1

give peace a chance...

2008-04-09T12:51:00.000-07:00

I came across this blog and it really resonated with me. I thought everyone would get something out of reading it. Who couldn't use a little piece of peace? Sometimes I get so busy with bible studies and ministries, that in all the good things, the peace I am seeking gets lost. This reminded me that it's in the simplest and most quiet times with Jesus where we encounter it. Embrace it.

Why is Quiet Time With Jesus So Important?
When Jesus rose from the grave and appeared in the midst of the disciples meeting behind locked doors, I imagine they were stunned- shocked- overjoyed.With great intentionality Jesus chose the words he would use to greet his beloved disciples. Of all the themes he could have chosen in the moment, he picked what they needed most. What was it?Joy?Hope?Love?While all of these would have certainly been appropriate, Jesus didn't touch on any of the above. He simply said over and over again, "Peace be with you!" According to John 20, it is the first thing He said. He said it again before breathing on them to receive the Holy Spirit. Then when addressing Thomas and his doubts, he said it again, "Peace be with you!"And isn't it interesting that each time Jesus is recorded as saying this, it ends with an exclamation point. This tells me that not only was Jesus intentional with saying this, He was also emphatic. He said it with great emphasis and urgency.Why Peace?And Why did Jesus say it with that particular phrasing "Peace be with you!"?I have a theory. The world is really good at conjuring up facades. Temporary moments of worldly happiness can appear joyful. The world takes hope and mistakes it for wishful thinking. And the world has made love a dime store word used to describe a feeling that can change with the wind.You see, the world can appear to offer joy, hope, and love. The world's offering of these is fleeting, temporary, and dangerously unstable... but it can put on a good show in the short term."I got that promotion- Joy!""I think we can afford this expensive house- hope!""He likes spending time with me- I think I'm in love!"However, jobs can be lost in an instant, houses can be foreclosed on, and feelings of love go as quickly as they come.So for a moment or two the world can offer fake joy, hope, and love.But it can not offer fake peace. It can offer peaceful settings and rituals to conjure up peaceful thoughts... but not true soul contentedness peace. The peace that flows despite circumstances can only be found through Jesus being with us. That's why Jesus phrased it the way he did, "Peace be with you!" In other words, you can walk through anything my sweet follower, if you realize that I am peace and I am with you."So, why is it so important to spend time with Jesus everyday? He will give you the exact instruction and comfort you will need to handle all He sees coming your way today. It is the perfect measure of His peace, packaged up just for you. You can stick it in your pocket and carry it with you throughout your day.Then with great expectation we can face the day and everything in it. Jesus has already whispered to us how to act and even more challenging how to react in every situation. So, instead of being a slave to our emotions and reacting based on feelings, we can remain victoriously peaceful no matter what.Last night we had dinner with a couple who were asking lots of questions about how Art and I handle all that is on our plate... 5 kids, a growing ministry, a restaurant business. We assured them that some days we handle it well but honestly other days it gets a little wacky.Then the husband paused and said, "yes, but through it all you just seem to have such peace."And with that I stuck my hand in my pocket and smiled.

i would fly far away...

2008-04-08T11:03:00.000-07:00

Remember the scene in Forrest Gump when he tries to help his childhood friend, Jenny (that's pronounced Jen-ny), from her abusive home? She goes running out to the corn fields and little Forrest goes running after her. She says, "If I were a bird, I would have wings and I would fly far...far away from here." In college (being that I went to The University of Alabama...yes, Forrest's Alma Mater), whenever we would get stressed, tired or overwhelmed, we would say that joking around, with the worst southern accent we could muster. Now, it takes on a whole new meaning. Ever have a time in your life when you wish you could just fly...far...far away from where you are?

"There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings." - Hodding Carter, Journalist.

Isabelle is growing up so fast. In fact, they all are. But, she starts kindergarten this Fall. I never thought I would be that mom that would have a hard time come kindergarten. But, you know what? I am so that mom. And I feel this unbelievable and overwhelming pressure to deal with my stuff and try to get myself together before that chapter in our lives starts. I feel God pressing this desire onto my heart...not just for me to experience the freedom of His grace, but to be able to pass that along to my children.

I had a great childhood and wonderful parents. And I still have stuff to hash out. I just want to know at the end of the day, that I did the best I could. That the roots of our family are set firmly in the foundation of God. That I am the person God created me to be and honored Him with my thoughts and actions. To bring Him glory, even out of the stuff I have when I finally release it to Him.

The message of Shiloh last night was amazing. Once again, I felt God speaking directly to me. Angela spoke about Sanctification and how it is not what we are or what we do, but who we are. It is not something we earn. Sanctification is peace and blessing that comes from putting our trust in Christ. We are God's treasured possession. We are holy because He says we are. The enemy can't take away our holiness, so he will just try to convince us that we don't have it. Pleasing God is not a means to holiness, but is the fruit of it. Oh, how I wish everyone could hear the message first hand, because I so don't do it justice.

I felt the hint of freedom -- God calling that out to me -- but then immediately the overwhelming sensation of having to start all over again. For someone who has spent her life working, earning and pleasing, I am now having to let that concept go. After 31 years, it feels comfortable to be there. Familiar. It's a little scary to think of who I will be and what my life will be like without it. I know that's sounds incredibly asinine. Why would I balk at freedom? Well, I am trying to figure it out. And I am willing to wrestle with God until the blessing.

"But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord." (2 Corin 3:18).

I feel God preparing us for something great. Something so much bigger than us. Only He can take what the enemy means for evil and make it glorious. When I voiced my frustration and brokenness about seeing so many hurting people around me, a friend reminded me that in order for there to be a revival, there must be something to be revived from. In order for there to be redemption and restoration, there must first be something, someone broken. In the meantime, we stand, right now, in the hope of His promises and His character. His redemption, restoration and revival.